White Trash Love Song
Page 23
Finally, an older gentleman who looked like someone’s grandpa came in and took a seat in a wingback chair. He wore a button-down shirt with a gray-and-maroon sweater vest and dark gray slacks.
“Welcome, everyone. For those of you that are new to the group, my name is Dr. Rodgers, but I like to keep it friendly, so you can call me Phil.”
My skin began to crawl at the mention of his name. I peeled one of the pieces of medical tape from my bandage and scratched my nails over one of my cuts.
“This is an anger management group. We are going to discuss healthy ways to deal with anger, but first, let’s introduce ourselves, shall we?” He smiled wide as his eyes danced around the group.
“I’m Jake,” said a boy who looked about eighteen or nineteen, shrugging his overgrown brown hair from his eyes.
“Would you like to share something about yourself with the group, Jake?”
“Yeah. This group is f**king pointless.”
Dr. Rodgers nodded and folded his hands on his lap. “Du-ally noted, Jake.”
“My name is Annie. I’m fifteen and I don’t belong here,” a young girl with shoulder-length blond hair said. Her voice reminded me of a cartoon character’s and she looked like one of those overly popular girls from school. She didn’t look as if she belonged here at all.
“Excellent, Annie. Stick around and participate and we will see how it fits for you.”
She rolled her eyes as the doctor spoke, and I hated how blatantly disrespectful she was to him.
“I’m Joel and I know I need this group.” The room erupted in laughter at the boy in his early twenties with his hair buzzed to the scalp. He looked as if he belonged in an army barracks somewhere and not in a nuthouse.
“Don’t we all know it, Joel.” The doctor chuckled and it reminded me of Santa Claus.
All eyes turned to me and I stiffened as I tried not to meet their gazes. “My name is Sarah.”
“Nice to meet you, Sarah.” The doctor smiled.
“Nice to meet you, too, Dr. Rodgers.”
“Please, call me Phil.”
Bile rose in my throat and I dragged my nail over one of my cuts again, focusing on that pain as opposed to that in my chest.
“I’d rather not.” I ground my teeth together as I spoke, trying not to let my voice shake.
His eyes drifted down to my bandage, which now had a fresh spot of red around the corner. “You can call me whatever you like.” His smile was back in place but I knew he had seen what I had done. “Would you like to share something about yourself?”
I glanced around at all the faces as they waited patiently for me to say something. “I . . . like to sing.”
“Perfect. You are the only one who had something positive to say. That’s very good, Sarah.”
I gave him a halfhearted smile and he focused his attention on the group as a whole. I relaxed in my seat.
AFTER A SLEEPLESS night I was sent to meet with a therapist. I was asked a million questions but most had to be repeated as I slipped inside my head and began tapping out the beat to one of my songs. I wished I had finished my song with E. I wished I had done so many things, but ending up in a place like this felt unavoidable. I still couldn’t see a way out.
“I’d like to get you started on a few prescriptions, but to be honest with you, Sarah, the true healing will come from therapy.”
“Can you tell me how my boyfriend is doing?” Even after all he had done, I couldn’t help but worry about him. If I could force my heart to forget him, I would. But I knew that would only come with time.
She flipped through the papers on her desk as she read over them. “Can you tell me the events that lead to your stay with us?”
“I already told that other lady.” I rolled my eyes and the therapist took off her glasses and sat them on her desk as she relaxed in her chair. I didn’t like that she was talking to me as if I were a child.
“I have her notes, but I’d like to hear it from you.”
“You have her notes?” I pushed up from my oversize chair, feeling betrayed.
“Sarah, we are all here to help you. We can’t do that if you won’t open up and trust us.”
“I did open up, once, but apparently I trusted too soon. I want to go home.” I folded my arms over my chest and the doctor pressed her lips together in a tight line as her gaze fell to my bloodied bandage.
“Where is home?”
“I don’t know. I need to talk to Derek. I need to make sure he is okay. He could be dead for all I know, and none of you will tell me anything.”
“Derek was released this morning. He was bruised and needed a few stitches, but nothing was broken.”
I sat back down in my seat as the wind was knocked out of me. “I want to see him. I want him to come visit me.” I peeled the remainder of the paint from my thumbnail. I needed to show him what he did, what all of his lying and cheating had done to the person he was supposed to love.
“He flew to Texas to be with his family. I’m sorry, Sarah. I wanted to bring him in on one of our sessions but he didn’t want to participate.”
It felt like a shotgun blast to the chest. He had left me? After what he had done and the things he had said, he left me?
He didn’t even care enough to find out if I was okay?
37
ERIC
ERIC WALKER, LET’S go.” The guard unlocked the gate to my cell and took a step back. I nodded to him as I walked through, feeling the pressure in my chest ease slightly. “Time for your arraignment.”
I followed behind the guard as we made our way to the small courthouse that was in the same building as the little jail. I didn’t care what the judge had to say. I had given up years ago and was just living on borrowed time. That was more clear to me now than ever.
It was nice getting out of the cramped space, and I hoped I wouldn’t have to spend much more time in there without knowing how Sarah was doing.
I had been thinking about the moment when I could see her again and if I should. What I had done was selfish, but I had never meant to hurt her. I only wanted to make her happy. The look on Donna’s face as they placed me in handcuffs also haunted my memories.
I’d managed to kill two birds with one stone.
I BARELY REGISTERED anything the judge said. All I could think about was Sarah. No one would tell me anything and I was dying with each passing second, not knowing if she was safe. I was ordered to do community service, and since Derek declined to press charges, the punishment was just a slap on the wrist. I guess I was lucky, but a part of me had almost wanted them to lay the hammer down, to make me pay for all that I’d done. To everyone.
I was taken back to the small holding cell as the paperwork was processed, and I would soon get to walk. My skin was beginning to crawl with anticipation and fear. I didn’t know where I would go from here.
I didn’t know what to expect when the guard opened the gate and motioned for me to exit the cell. He led me down a narrow corridor and through several sets of doors. Donna stood on the other side, and I wanted to wrap my arms around her. It was so good to see a familiar face. She smiled sadly and looked to the guard before her gaze dropped to her hands.
“I took care of what I could for you.”
I took a step forward but she held up a hand to stop me as she inhaled audibly. “I know why you did it.”
“He deserved it after what he did to her.” I closed my eyes as I struggled not to let my anger show.
Donna shook her head. “You can’t blame yourself for her choices. She knew what kind of person he was and she chose to deny it. You can’t save her from herself, E. She needs to do that herself.” Donna’s eyes locked on mine. She was sad but confident in her words. “I didn’t tell you about my past to make you feel guilty. I told you because you were my friend and I cared about you.”
“Were?”
“I will always care about you, E. More than you will ever know. But I won’t be second choice.”
“I choose you.”
She laughed quietly as her teeth dragged over her lower lip. “You know what I love about you? You try so hard to fight against everything inside of you and to do the right thing, but you can’t change what is in your heart. It was always her for you and it didn’t matter who or what stood in the way of that.” Donna’s face was somber now.
“There was a time you told me that you loved everything about me.”
“Yeah . . .” She stared down at her shoes.
I nodded and ran my hand through my hair. I was completely alone now, but it was for the best. I wouldn’t hurt anyone else.
“Is she . . .” I couldn’t even say the words. I was a coward. If I was responsible for her death, I couldn’t go on.
“She is going to be okay. She is getting the help she needs. It seems she was given the pills by some stranger on the street.” Donna raised her eyebrows, knowing damn well the pills were mine.
I nodded, unable to look her in the eye. I knew I shouldn’t be asking her about Sarah, and I knew that all of this was my fault. I could have gone to a doctor to refill my prescription, but our schedule never kept me in one place long enough to keep an appointment, and I didn’t like reliving my past with each new doctor I saw.
“They are keeping her for a few days just to make sure she is okay. They contacted her family and they are coming to take care of her.”
“Her family? No. She can’t see them.” I felt as if I were going to be sick.
“It’s too late.”
“What happens now?” I hung my head as the sharp, familiar pain of one of my headaches took over, but I didn’t want any relief. I deserved to suffer.
“I’m going to go back home and work out some of my own problems. It’s time to stop running away.” Her eyes danced over me one last time before she turned and pushed through the door behind her.
“Let’s go. We need to outprocess and then you will be free to go.”
I PUSHED OUT of the front door, the sunlight blinding me as I walked toward the curb on the other side of the parking lot. A bus ran every half hour. The air was warm and pleasant. Under any other circumstance I would have been smiling, but as the bus pulled up in front of me, I couldn’t find a reason to smile.
I stepped inside and paid the fair before taking an empty seat near the back. I stared out of the window as we pulled away from the curb. I thought it would feel good to be free again, but I would never truly be free. I was carrying the weight of my past on my shoulders and I was tired.
I needed to do something to make all of this right. I could never make it up to my brother, but with Sarah I still had a chance.
I rode the bus north until it didn’t go any farther. I got out, glancing around the unfamiliar street.
“Can you tell me where the closest hospital is?” I asked an elderly woman who sat on the bench in front of me, waiting for the next bus to come.
38
SARAH
I TRIED TO ESCAPE from my thoughts, but it was useless. A knock came at the door to my room and I turned to see a nurse standing in the open space.
“You have a visitor.”
I pushed up from my bed, terrified and hopeful in the same moment. The nurse stepped aside to reveal a woman who looked like the mirror image of myself, only younger. I blinked, unable to believe what I was seeing.
“Jenny?” I pushed to my feet and my vision blurred. I wanted to run toward her, embrace her, but I stopped. I hadn’t spoken to her in years and she had every right to hate me. But then she took a step forward and then lunged toward me, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me against her.
“I’m so sorry, Jenny. I’m so sorry,” I whispered over and over as she buried her face in the crook of my neck. “I shouldn’t have left you there with him. I’ll never forgive myself.” I pulled back to look her in the eye.
She grabbed my hands and squeezed them tightly as tears streamed down her cheeks. “No. Don’t do this. I was safe. I went and lived with Aunt Carla.”
Relief washed over me as I realized she had never had to endure what I went through. I had been carrying around the guilt of what could have happened for years, and it had slowly been killing me.
“Why didn’t you go to her house, Sarah? Why didn’t you ever come find me?”
“I couldn’t look you in the eye after . . . after what had happened. I was afraid everyone blamed me . . . afraid of what had happened after I’d left you . . . I couldn’t face it.”
“No one blamed you. Not even Mom. She was devastated by what happened.”
“What?” Jenny knew? And she told Mom? And Mom was . . . devastated? Maybe her indifference to my pain had just been . . . blindness?
All of these years I thought I carried the burden of this secret alone.
“When you didn’t come meet me at school, I knew you had finally left. I ran back in and told my teacher to call Mom at work. I didn’t understand. I was too young back then, but I knew you ran away because of Phil. I tried to explain it to Mom. She wasn’t sure what had happened, but she knew it had to be more than you just disliking him.” She paused and met my gaze. “She confronted him and he denied ever doing anything to you, but she knew he couldn’t be trusted to be around me without knowing the whole story. She took me to Carla’s and we never went back. She tried to have Phil arrested, but without you there wasn’t any proof, and all I knew was that he scared you and was always trying to be alone with you when Mom wasn’t around.”
I took a few steps back and sank down on the edge of the bed as my thoughts raced with all of this new information. Everyone knew. I could have told my mother . . .and she would have believed me. Jenny had been safe all this time.
“Welcome, everyone. For those of you that are new to the group, my name is Dr. Rodgers, but I like to keep it friendly, so you can call me Phil.”
My skin began to crawl at the mention of his name. I peeled one of the pieces of medical tape from my bandage and scratched my nails over one of my cuts.
“This is an anger management group. We are going to discuss healthy ways to deal with anger, but first, let’s introduce ourselves, shall we?” He smiled wide as his eyes danced around the group.
“I’m Jake,” said a boy who looked about eighteen or nineteen, shrugging his overgrown brown hair from his eyes.
“Would you like to share something about yourself with the group, Jake?”
“Yeah. This group is f**king pointless.”
Dr. Rodgers nodded and folded his hands on his lap. “Du-ally noted, Jake.”
“My name is Annie. I’m fifteen and I don’t belong here,” a young girl with shoulder-length blond hair said. Her voice reminded me of a cartoon character’s and she looked like one of those overly popular girls from school. She didn’t look as if she belonged here at all.
“Excellent, Annie. Stick around and participate and we will see how it fits for you.”
She rolled her eyes as the doctor spoke, and I hated how blatantly disrespectful she was to him.
“I’m Joel and I know I need this group.” The room erupted in laughter at the boy in his early twenties with his hair buzzed to the scalp. He looked as if he belonged in an army barracks somewhere and not in a nuthouse.
“Don’t we all know it, Joel.” The doctor chuckled and it reminded me of Santa Claus.
All eyes turned to me and I stiffened as I tried not to meet their gazes. “My name is Sarah.”
“Nice to meet you, Sarah.” The doctor smiled.
“Nice to meet you, too, Dr. Rodgers.”
“Please, call me Phil.”
Bile rose in my throat and I dragged my nail over one of my cuts again, focusing on that pain as opposed to that in my chest.
“I’d rather not.” I ground my teeth together as I spoke, trying not to let my voice shake.
His eyes drifted down to my bandage, which now had a fresh spot of red around the corner. “You can call me whatever you like.” His smile was back in place but I knew he had seen what I had done. “Would you like to share something about yourself?”
I glanced around at all the faces as they waited patiently for me to say something. “I . . . like to sing.”
“Perfect. You are the only one who had something positive to say. That’s very good, Sarah.”
I gave him a halfhearted smile and he focused his attention on the group as a whole. I relaxed in my seat.
AFTER A SLEEPLESS night I was sent to meet with a therapist. I was asked a million questions but most had to be repeated as I slipped inside my head and began tapping out the beat to one of my songs. I wished I had finished my song with E. I wished I had done so many things, but ending up in a place like this felt unavoidable. I still couldn’t see a way out.
“I’d like to get you started on a few prescriptions, but to be honest with you, Sarah, the true healing will come from therapy.”
“Can you tell me how my boyfriend is doing?” Even after all he had done, I couldn’t help but worry about him. If I could force my heart to forget him, I would. But I knew that would only come with time.
She flipped through the papers on her desk as she read over them. “Can you tell me the events that lead to your stay with us?”
“I already told that other lady.” I rolled my eyes and the therapist took off her glasses and sat them on her desk as she relaxed in her chair. I didn’t like that she was talking to me as if I were a child.
“I have her notes, but I’d like to hear it from you.”
“You have her notes?” I pushed up from my oversize chair, feeling betrayed.
“Sarah, we are all here to help you. We can’t do that if you won’t open up and trust us.”
“I did open up, once, but apparently I trusted too soon. I want to go home.” I folded my arms over my chest and the doctor pressed her lips together in a tight line as her gaze fell to my bloodied bandage.
“Where is home?”
“I don’t know. I need to talk to Derek. I need to make sure he is okay. He could be dead for all I know, and none of you will tell me anything.”
“Derek was released this morning. He was bruised and needed a few stitches, but nothing was broken.”
I sat back down in my seat as the wind was knocked out of me. “I want to see him. I want him to come visit me.” I peeled the remainder of the paint from my thumbnail. I needed to show him what he did, what all of his lying and cheating had done to the person he was supposed to love.
“He flew to Texas to be with his family. I’m sorry, Sarah. I wanted to bring him in on one of our sessions but he didn’t want to participate.”
It felt like a shotgun blast to the chest. He had left me? After what he had done and the things he had said, he left me?
He didn’t even care enough to find out if I was okay?
37
ERIC
ERIC WALKER, LET’S go.” The guard unlocked the gate to my cell and took a step back. I nodded to him as I walked through, feeling the pressure in my chest ease slightly. “Time for your arraignment.”
I followed behind the guard as we made our way to the small courthouse that was in the same building as the little jail. I didn’t care what the judge had to say. I had given up years ago and was just living on borrowed time. That was more clear to me now than ever.
It was nice getting out of the cramped space, and I hoped I wouldn’t have to spend much more time in there without knowing how Sarah was doing.
I had been thinking about the moment when I could see her again and if I should. What I had done was selfish, but I had never meant to hurt her. I only wanted to make her happy. The look on Donna’s face as they placed me in handcuffs also haunted my memories.
I’d managed to kill two birds with one stone.
I BARELY REGISTERED anything the judge said. All I could think about was Sarah. No one would tell me anything and I was dying with each passing second, not knowing if she was safe. I was ordered to do community service, and since Derek declined to press charges, the punishment was just a slap on the wrist. I guess I was lucky, but a part of me had almost wanted them to lay the hammer down, to make me pay for all that I’d done. To everyone.
I was taken back to the small holding cell as the paperwork was processed, and I would soon get to walk. My skin was beginning to crawl with anticipation and fear. I didn’t know where I would go from here.
I didn’t know what to expect when the guard opened the gate and motioned for me to exit the cell. He led me down a narrow corridor and through several sets of doors. Donna stood on the other side, and I wanted to wrap my arms around her. It was so good to see a familiar face. She smiled sadly and looked to the guard before her gaze dropped to her hands.
“I took care of what I could for you.”
I took a step forward but she held up a hand to stop me as she inhaled audibly. “I know why you did it.”
“He deserved it after what he did to her.” I closed my eyes as I struggled not to let my anger show.
Donna shook her head. “You can’t blame yourself for her choices. She knew what kind of person he was and she chose to deny it. You can’t save her from herself, E. She needs to do that herself.” Donna’s eyes locked on mine. She was sad but confident in her words. “I didn’t tell you about my past to make you feel guilty. I told you because you were my friend and I cared about you.”
“Were?”
“I will always care about you, E. More than you will ever know. But I won’t be second choice.”
“I choose you.”
She laughed quietly as her teeth dragged over her lower lip. “You know what I love about you? You try so hard to fight against everything inside of you and to do the right thing, but you can’t change what is in your heart. It was always her for you and it didn’t matter who or what stood in the way of that.” Donna’s face was somber now.
“There was a time you told me that you loved everything about me.”
“Yeah . . .” She stared down at her shoes.
I nodded and ran my hand through my hair. I was completely alone now, but it was for the best. I wouldn’t hurt anyone else.
“Is she . . .” I couldn’t even say the words. I was a coward. If I was responsible for her death, I couldn’t go on.
“She is going to be okay. She is getting the help she needs. It seems she was given the pills by some stranger on the street.” Donna raised her eyebrows, knowing damn well the pills were mine.
I nodded, unable to look her in the eye. I knew I shouldn’t be asking her about Sarah, and I knew that all of this was my fault. I could have gone to a doctor to refill my prescription, but our schedule never kept me in one place long enough to keep an appointment, and I didn’t like reliving my past with each new doctor I saw.
“They are keeping her for a few days just to make sure she is okay. They contacted her family and they are coming to take care of her.”
“Her family? No. She can’t see them.” I felt as if I were going to be sick.
“It’s too late.”
“What happens now?” I hung my head as the sharp, familiar pain of one of my headaches took over, but I didn’t want any relief. I deserved to suffer.
“I’m going to go back home and work out some of my own problems. It’s time to stop running away.” Her eyes danced over me one last time before she turned and pushed through the door behind her.
“Let’s go. We need to outprocess and then you will be free to go.”
I PUSHED OUT of the front door, the sunlight blinding me as I walked toward the curb on the other side of the parking lot. A bus ran every half hour. The air was warm and pleasant. Under any other circumstance I would have been smiling, but as the bus pulled up in front of me, I couldn’t find a reason to smile.
I stepped inside and paid the fair before taking an empty seat near the back. I stared out of the window as we pulled away from the curb. I thought it would feel good to be free again, but I would never truly be free. I was carrying the weight of my past on my shoulders and I was tired.
I needed to do something to make all of this right. I could never make it up to my brother, but with Sarah I still had a chance.
I rode the bus north until it didn’t go any farther. I got out, glancing around the unfamiliar street.
“Can you tell me where the closest hospital is?” I asked an elderly woman who sat on the bench in front of me, waiting for the next bus to come.
38
SARAH
I TRIED TO ESCAPE from my thoughts, but it was useless. A knock came at the door to my room and I turned to see a nurse standing in the open space.
“You have a visitor.”
I pushed up from my bed, terrified and hopeful in the same moment. The nurse stepped aside to reveal a woman who looked like the mirror image of myself, only younger. I blinked, unable to believe what I was seeing.
“Jenny?” I pushed to my feet and my vision blurred. I wanted to run toward her, embrace her, but I stopped. I hadn’t spoken to her in years and she had every right to hate me. But then she took a step forward and then lunged toward me, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me against her.
“I’m so sorry, Jenny. I’m so sorry,” I whispered over and over as she buried her face in the crook of my neck. “I shouldn’t have left you there with him. I’ll never forgive myself.” I pulled back to look her in the eye.
She grabbed my hands and squeezed them tightly as tears streamed down her cheeks. “No. Don’t do this. I was safe. I went and lived with Aunt Carla.”
Relief washed over me as I realized she had never had to endure what I went through. I had been carrying around the guilt of what could have happened for years, and it had slowly been killing me.
“Why didn’t you go to her house, Sarah? Why didn’t you ever come find me?”
“I couldn’t look you in the eye after . . . after what had happened. I was afraid everyone blamed me . . . afraid of what had happened after I’d left you . . . I couldn’t face it.”
“No one blamed you. Not even Mom. She was devastated by what happened.”
“What?” Jenny knew? And she told Mom? And Mom was . . . devastated? Maybe her indifference to my pain had just been . . . blindness?
All of these years I thought I carried the burden of this secret alone.
“When you didn’t come meet me at school, I knew you had finally left. I ran back in and told my teacher to call Mom at work. I didn’t understand. I was too young back then, but I knew you ran away because of Phil. I tried to explain it to Mom. She wasn’t sure what had happened, but she knew it had to be more than you just disliking him.” She paused and met my gaze. “She confronted him and he denied ever doing anything to you, but she knew he couldn’t be trusted to be around me without knowing the whole story. She took me to Carla’s and we never went back. She tried to have Phil arrested, but without you there wasn’t any proof, and all I knew was that he scared you and was always trying to be alone with you when Mom wasn’t around.”
I took a few steps back and sank down on the edge of the bed as my thoughts raced with all of this new information. Everyone knew. I could have told my mother . . .and she would have believed me. Jenny had been safe all this time.
