Why Not Tonight
Page 61
“When I found out I was pregnant, he wanted me to have an abortion. I was shocked and devastated. You were the symbol of our love—how could he want me to get rid of you?” Tears filled her eyes. “We fought and he said he never wanted to see me again. Not knowing what else to do, I called my mom and she came and got me.”
Ronan tried to make sense of her story. She was nothing like he’d pictured. Pippa had been a regular teenager who got caught up with a man so far out of her league as to be from another planet. She didn’t seem jaded or manipulative. Just sad.
“My parents were wonderful,” she continued. “They said they’d help me with my baby or help me find a couple to adopt you. I decided to keep you and raise you myself.”
She twisted her fingers together. “I was barely twenty and so scared, and having a baby isn’t easy. My mom was still working and there were so many hours I was alone. I wanted to go back to college and hang out with my friends.” She bit her lower lip. “I’m sorry. I know that sounds selfish.”
“No,” he said, his voice thick and low. “It sounds like you were twenty and trying to raise a kid on your own.”
“I hope you believe that. I couldn’t just give you away, so I called Elaine.”
Ronan stiffened. “Not Ceallach.”
Her mouth twisted. “He’d already made his feelings clear. I knew he wouldn’t take my call. But your mom was different. Obviously I’d never met her, but he talked about her all the time, about how wonderful she was. I felt as if she was someone I could trust. Looking back, I realize how naive I was and how fortunate you are to have been raised by her. When I told her who I was, she didn’t hang up. She listened, and when I told her about you, about how overwhelmed I was, she told me to come to Fool’s Gold, to meet with her. She wanted to see you.”
Ronan couldn’t believe it. How had Elaine done that? How had she been so generous? Where was the anger at what her husband had done?
“I flew out with you the next day. When I got to the house, I was so scared. But your father wasn’t there. I’m not sure where your brothers were, but it was just the three of us. She took you from my arms. I remember how she held you and smiled.” Pippa looked at him. “That was it. She looked at you, and then she said she would take you and raise you as her own. She told me about her youngest. A baby only a few weeks older. She said she would tell everyone you were fraternal twins. She arranged the paperwork and that was it.”
“I always thought Ceallach made her do it,” he admitted, still trying to absorb all he’d been told.
“I never saw him,” Pippa told him. “I don’t know how she explained you or what was said. I just handed you over and left.” Her smile was shaky. “She and I keep in touch. Not often, but every year or so I get an update. It’s nice to know how well you’re doing.”
She reached in her handbag and pulled out a large envelope, then handed it to him. “My contact information is in there, along with my family’s medical history. We’re a pretty ordinary, healthy bunch. My parents are still alive and would love to meet you, if you’re interested.”
She hesitated. “I’m married. My husband is a radiologist and I’m a stay-at-home mom. I volunteer at a women’s shelter and the local library. Nothing very exciting. My husband knows. I never told my kids, although I think they’d find it kind of exciting to know they have an older brother.”
She leaned toward him. “I want to be clear that I don’t think of myself as your mother. That’s who Elaine is. But I do think of you a lot and I wanted you to know that.
“I guess that’s all. I’m going to drive back to the airport. I have a flight leaving later tonight.” She smiled. “There is a very big science project due in a few days, and if I’m not there things will go awry, believe me.”
Everything about the moment was surreal. He didn’t know what to think or how to react or what he was supposed to say.
“Why now?” he asked. “Why show up now?”
“I thought you knew.” She sounded surprised. “I’m here because Elaine called me and asked me to get in touch with you as soon as possible. We agreed that speaking on the phone wouldn’t be right, so I flew out first thing.”
That made no sense. None of it. Not her or the fact that he now knew about the rest of his family. Not how she looked or the life she lived or that she’d shown up with no warning.
He rose. “I have to go.” He got halfway to the door before returning to the table and taking the envelope. “Thank you for telling me all of this. I’ll be in touch. I just need...”
She smiled. “You need time. I understand, Ronan. It was good to see you.”
He nodded and then left. He drove directly to his house, then sat in the truck in his driveway and wondered what on earth he was supposed to do now.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
NATALIE COULDN’T BELIEVE she’d missed it all. Ronan’s birth mother showing up, the conversation, everything. She’d been in her gallery office the entire time and hadn’t heard a thing. It was totally unfair.
On the bright side, speculating about what had happened was a great distraction from her broken heart. She was curious and concerned and hopeful and confused all at once. There was also the fact that getting information from Mathias and Nick was next to impossible. They told her facts. She wanted to know how Ronan had felt.
Twenty-four hours after the unexpected visit, Natalie was doing everything she could not to drive up the mountain and talk to Ronan. After their last disastrous encounter, she knew she just didn’t have the strength to face him one-on-one. It was hard enough to go to the office every day and do her job. There she got to pretend she wasn’t devastated, wasn’t missing him with every breath, wasn’t feeling as sad and crushed as shattered glass.
She’d told him she loved him and it hadn’t been enough. While in her head she could admit that his healing or not healing wasn’t about her and that she was wrong to think that just by falling in love with him, everything would be fine. Only that was how she wanted it to be. Her heart ached for him and demanded to know why her love wasn’t enough.
She knew that what he wrestled with had nothing to do with her—that his issues had existed long before her. The fact that she had finally figured out that she loved him was great, but not life changing for anyone but her. He had to get through his past on his own.
But she still needed to see him, be held by him. She was desperate to inhale the scent of his skin, watch him move, touch him and hear his voice. She missed everything about him.
Worse, she knew he was dealing with so much all on his own. She wanted to be there for him, to help him through it, to just listen while he went around and around with the new information his birth mother had given him. Only she and Ronan weren’t talking, at least not as far as she knew. She’d told him she loved him and he’d walked away. That wasn’t exactly an invitation for more time together.
So she stayed home. She grabbed her keys three times, then dropped them back in her bag. Once she got as far as her car before turning around and retreating to her apartment. If Ronan wanted her or needed her, he knew exactly where to find her. She wasn’t going to push herself on him. What he was going through was too important.
Ronan tried to make sense of her story. She was nothing like he’d pictured. Pippa had been a regular teenager who got caught up with a man so far out of her league as to be from another planet. She didn’t seem jaded or manipulative. Just sad.
“My parents were wonderful,” she continued. “They said they’d help me with my baby or help me find a couple to adopt you. I decided to keep you and raise you myself.”
She twisted her fingers together. “I was barely twenty and so scared, and having a baby isn’t easy. My mom was still working and there were so many hours I was alone. I wanted to go back to college and hang out with my friends.” She bit her lower lip. “I’m sorry. I know that sounds selfish.”
“No,” he said, his voice thick and low. “It sounds like you were twenty and trying to raise a kid on your own.”
“I hope you believe that. I couldn’t just give you away, so I called Elaine.”
Ronan stiffened. “Not Ceallach.”
Her mouth twisted. “He’d already made his feelings clear. I knew he wouldn’t take my call. But your mom was different. Obviously I’d never met her, but he talked about her all the time, about how wonderful she was. I felt as if she was someone I could trust. Looking back, I realize how naive I was and how fortunate you are to have been raised by her. When I told her who I was, she didn’t hang up. She listened, and when I told her about you, about how overwhelmed I was, she told me to come to Fool’s Gold, to meet with her. She wanted to see you.”
Ronan couldn’t believe it. How had Elaine done that? How had she been so generous? Where was the anger at what her husband had done?
“I flew out with you the next day. When I got to the house, I was so scared. But your father wasn’t there. I’m not sure where your brothers were, but it was just the three of us. She took you from my arms. I remember how she held you and smiled.” Pippa looked at him. “That was it. She looked at you, and then she said she would take you and raise you as her own. She told me about her youngest. A baby only a few weeks older. She said she would tell everyone you were fraternal twins. She arranged the paperwork and that was it.”
“I always thought Ceallach made her do it,” he admitted, still trying to absorb all he’d been told.
“I never saw him,” Pippa told him. “I don’t know how she explained you or what was said. I just handed you over and left.” Her smile was shaky. “She and I keep in touch. Not often, but every year or so I get an update. It’s nice to know how well you’re doing.”
She reached in her handbag and pulled out a large envelope, then handed it to him. “My contact information is in there, along with my family’s medical history. We’re a pretty ordinary, healthy bunch. My parents are still alive and would love to meet you, if you’re interested.”
She hesitated. “I’m married. My husband is a radiologist and I’m a stay-at-home mom. I volunteer at a women’s shelter and the local library. Nothing very exciting. My husband knows. I never told my kids, although I think they’d find it kind of exciting to know they have an older brother.”
She leaned toward him. “I want to be clear that I don’t think of myself as your mother. That’s who Elaine is. But I do think of you a lot and I wanted you to know that.
“I guess that’s all. I’m going to drive back to the airport. I have a flight leaving later tonight.” She smiled. “There is a very big science project due in a few days, and if I’m not there things will go awry, believe me.”
Everything about the moment was surreal. He didn’t know what to think or how to react or what he was supposed to say.
“Why now?” he asked. “Why show up now?”
“I thought you knew.” She sounded surprised. “I’m here because Elaine called me and asked me to get in touch with you as soon as possible. We agreed that speaking on the phone wouldn’t be right, so I flew out first thing.”
That made no sense. None of it. Not her or the fact that he now knew about the rest of his family. Not how she looked or the life she lived or that she’d shown up with no warning.
He rose. “I have to go.” He got halfway to the door before returning to the table and taking the envelope. “Thank you for telling me all of this. I’ll be in touch. I just need...”
She smiled. “You need time. I understand, Ronan. It was good to see you.”
He nodded and then left. He drove directly to his house, then sat in the truck in his driveway and wondered what on earth he was supposed to do now.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
NATALIE COULDN’T BELIEVE she’d missed it all. Ronan’s birth mother showing up, the conversation, everything. She’d been in her gallery office the entire time and hadn’t heard a thing. It was totally unfair.
On the bright side, speculating about what had happened was a great distraction from her broken heart. She was curious and concerned and hopeful and confused all at once. There was also the fact that getting information from Mathias and Nick was next to impossible. They told her facts. She wanted to know how Ronan had felt.
Twenty-four hours after the unexpected visit, Natalie was doing everything she could not to drive up the mountain and talk to Ronan. After their last disastrous encounter, she knew she just didn’t have the strength to face him one-on-one. It was hard enough to go to the office every day and do her job. There she got to pretend she wasn’t devastated, wasn’t missing him with every breath, wasn’t feeling as sad and crushed as shattered glass.
She’d told him she loved him and it hadn’t been enough. While in her head she could admit that his healing or not healing wasn’t about her and that she was wrong to think that just by falling in love with him, everything would be fine. Only that was how she wanted it to be. Her heart ached for him and demanded to know why her love wasn’t enough.
She knew that what he wrestled with had nothing to do with her—that his issues had existed long before her. The fact that she had finally figured out that she loved him was great, but not life changing for anyone but her. He had to get through his past on his own.
But she still needed to see him, be held by him. She was desperate to inhale the scent of his skin, watch him move, touch him and hear his voice. She missed everything about him.
Worse, she knew he was dealing with so much all on his own. She wanted to be there for him, to help him through it, to just listen while he went around and around with the new information his birth mother had given him. Only she and Ronan weren’t talking, at least not as far as she knew. She’d told him she loved him and he’d walked away. That wasn’t exactly an invitation for more time together.
So she stayed home. She grabbed her keys three times, then dropped them back in her bag. Once she got as far as her car before turning around and retreating to her apartment. If Ronan wanted her or needed her, he knew exactly where to find her. She wasn’t going to push herself on him. What he was going through was too important.
