Wildest Dreams
Page 142
“About what keeps you from a sound sleep,” he answered patiently, knowing I was stalling.
I studied his beloved face.
We hadn’t talked about this. Any of it. There wasn’t time. Much was happening, we were travelling everywhere, I had a lot on my mind and I had Frey back, all was well, I didn’t want to relive it, any of it and Frey had let this be.
But now I saw he was biding his time.
“What parts do you want to know?” I queried.
“All of them,” he replied.
I held his eyes. Then I sighed.
Then I whispered, “I thought you were dead.”
“I know,” he whispered back.
I kept whispering. “I thought I said terrible, ugly words to you before you died.”
He kept whispering too when he repeated, “I know.”
“Frey,” I breathed, not really wanting to go on.
“Finnie,” he gave me a squeeze, not wanting me to keep it bottled in.
I looked at the pillow beside his head then my eyes went back to his.
“I took lives,” I said softly.
“You did, wee one, and I am glad of it for if you hadn’t you might not be lying, naked, astride me.”
This was true.
“I…” I faltered then confessed the worst of it, “after I killed Phobin I not only rubbed Broderick’s nose in it, I rubbed his nose in his defeat.”
Frey grinned at me.
Yes, grinned.
Then he burst out laughing, pressing his head back into the pillows and everything before he rolled me so he was on top.
And after he did this he was still laughing.
“Frey!” I snapped, his laughter died to chuckles and he focused on me.
“I wish I was there to see that,” he said through his dying mirth.
“It was not my crowning moment,” I retorted sharply.
“Let us see, my wee one, he killed your father, Alyssa, and nearly killed Thad and me. You lived over a month thinking I was dead and drowning in sorrow and guilt for the last thing you did was shriek at me. He imprisoned your mother, was the architect of a number of faceless soldier’s deaths –”
“All right, all right,” I cut him off, “I get it but hello? Frey? Remember awhile back when I lectured thousands of people about mercy? And, there I was, getting in Broderick’s face about –”
He lifted a hand to my jaw, thumb to my lips and he pressed lightly.
Then he said softly, “You will note it was not me who stood up when Viola was being pelted with ice missiles and demanded mercy for her and it was not me because her actions meant I stood to lose you. With Broderick, you thought you had actually lost me and you knew you again lost a father. I think succeeding in four short days in bringing him low and setting the rebellion into disarray, you can excuse yourself for gloating.”
Well.
I had to admit, he had a point.
I decided not to respond.
Frey knew why and grinned.
Then his grin faded, his hand slid to my neck and he said quietly, “We must speak of what I did to you.”
I shook my head. “No,” I replied. “All’s well that ends well and, thank God, it’s ended well so no, Frey, we never have to speak of it.”
“You say this, Finnie, because you still hold the pain of guilt, all that time you thought I was lost. That dark shadow runs deep in you, my wee one. I see it at times, drifting across your eyes when you look at me.”
“Frey –”
“But had we not been attacked in the middle of that episode, you would have been entitled to an explanation, wife, and you still are.”
I tried to waylay him by explaining, “I know that it’s, uh… law, um… here, in this world, for the man to decide if birth control is used or not and if the woman doesn’t adhere to his, uh… decision she can be sentenced to serve the realm.” Frey stared at me and I finished. “Uh… I told Aurora everything that night after Father… after we put Father… when his boat…” I sucked in breath. “Well, that night Mother drank two bottles of wine all by herself and I fell asleep while she did it and so did she and you had to carry both of us to bed, I told her what happened and she explained it to me.”
“This is not the same in your world,” he guessed.
Women who did or did not take birth control against their male partner’s wishes serving a term of nine months sentenced to do light work in castles, hospitals or orphanages?
Uh… crazy!
“No,” I confirmed. “It’s the woman’s choice unless she’s married and then they decide together and until they do… well, she just takes it, mostly. I don’t know, I’ve, uh… never been married until, well… now.”
Carefully, Frey stated, “You hid taking it from me.”
I blinked in confusion before, equally carefully, I replied, “No, honey, I didn’t. I don’t know why you’d think that but I guess you just were never around when I took it.”
He nodded before he reminded me gently, “All right, Finnie, but we discussed it with you approaching the subject within twenty-four hours of my return to you after I was at sea.”
“I know, Frey, because we were set to have sex within twenty-four hours after your return to me and, at that time, I thought I was going home and I didn’t want to do it pregnant or with a newborn who’d never see his or her father again.”
He studied me for long moments.
Then he muttered, “I misinterpreted this,” but as he did, he held my eyes.
I smiled at him and said softly, “I gathered that.”
His eyes dropped to my mouth then his hand shifted up so his thumb could stroke my cheekbone as his eyes lifted back to mine.
Then he whispered, “I was in love with you when I ordered the elves to bind you to me.”
My body stiffened slightly under his and I shook my head and whispered, “Frey –”
“It is true I didn’t know it,” he interrupted me. “All I knew was when Nillen told me you were set to leave, I couldn’t abide that. Nillen warned me there would be consequences but I decided I would accept whatever they were as long as I knew you could never leave me.” His face dipped closer and his voice dipped lower when he went on, “You already had a hold on my heart, Finnie. You must believe I would not have done what I did if that wasn’t true.”
“You barely knew me,” I pointed out quietly.
“I knew you were beautiful. I knew you smelled good. I knew you filled out a gown very nicely. I knew you could cook. I knew your cheeks got pink and your eyes lit when you were excited. I knew in just weeks you made friends, you chattered brightly, you were interested in me, you smiled easily, you laughed readily, you would come to my defense when you thought I faced danger, you responded to my touch and,” he grinned, “you did that wildly.”
I studied his beloved face.
We hadn’t talked about this. Any of it. There wasn’t time. Much was happening, we were travelling everywhere, I had a lot on my mind and I had Frey back, all was well, I didn’t want to relive it, any of it and Frey had let this be.
But now I saw he was biding his time.
“What parts do you want to know?” I queried.
“All of them,” he replied.
I held his eyes. Then I sighed.
Then I whispered, “I thought you were dead.”
“I know,” he whispered back.
I kept whispering. “I thought I said terrible, ugly words to you before you died.”
He kept whispering too when he repeated, “I know.”
“Frey,” I breathed, not really wanting to go on.
“Finnie,” he gave me a squeeze, not wanting me to keep it bottled in.
I looked at the pillow beside his head then my eyes went back to his.
“I took lives,” I said softly.
“You did, wee one, and I am glad of it for if you hadn’t you might not be lying, naked, astride me.”
This was true.
“I…” I faltered then confessed the worst of it, “after I killed Phobin I not only rubbed Broderick’s nose in it, I rubbed his nose in his defeat.”
Frey grinned at me.
Yes, grinned.
Then he burst out laughing, pressing his head back into the pillows and everything before he rolled me so he was on top.
And after he did this he was still laughing.
“Frey!” I snapped, his laughter died to chuckles and he focused on me.
“I wish I was there to see that,” he said through his dying mirth.
“It was not my crowning moment,” I retorted sharply.
“Let us see, my wee one, he killed your father, Alyssa, and nearly killed Thad and me. You lived over a month thinking I was dead and drowning in sorrow and guilt for the last thing you did was shriek at me. He imprisoned your mother, was the architect of a number of faceless soldier’s deaths –”
“All right, all right,” I cut him off, “I get it but hello? Frey? Remember awhile back when I lectured thousands of people about mercy? And, there I was, getting in Broderick’s face about –”
He lifted a hand to my jaw, thumb to my lips and he pressed lightly.
Then he said softly, “You will note it was not me who stood up when Viola was being pelted with ice missiles and demanded mercy for her and it was not me because her actions meant I stood to lose you. With Broderick, you thought you had actually lost me and you knew you again lost a father. I think succeeding in four short days in bringing him low and setting the rebellion into disarray, you can excuse yourself for gloating.”
Well.
I had to admit, he had a point.
I decided not to respond.
Frey knew why and grinned.
Then his grin faded, his hand slid to my neck and he said quietly, “We must speak of what I did to you.”
I shook my head. “No,” I replied. “All’s well that ends well and, thank God, it’s ended well so no, Frey, we never have to speak of it.”
“You say this, Finnie, because you still hold the pain of guilt, all that time you thought I was lost. That dark shadow runs deep in you, my wee one. I see it at times, drifting across your eyes when you look at me.”
“Frey –”
“But had we not been attacked in the middle of that episode, you would have been entitled to an explanation, wife, and you still are.”
I tried to waylay him by explaining, “I know that it’s, uh… law, um… here, in this world, for the man to decide if birth control is used or not and if the woman doesn’t adhere to his, uh… decision she can be sentenced to serve the realm.” Frey stared at me and I finished. “Uh… I told Aurora everything that night after Father… after we put Father… when his boat…” I sucked in breath. “Well, that night Mother drank two bottles of wine all by herself and I fell asleep while she did it and so did she and you had to carry both of us to bed, I told her what happened and she explained it to me.”
“This is not the same in your world,” he guessed.
Women who did or did not take birth control against their male partner’s wishes serving a term of nine months sentenced to do light work in castles, hospitals or orphanages?
Uh… crazy!
“No,” I confirmed. “It’s the woman’s choice unless she’s married and then they decide together and until they do… well, she just takes it, mostly. I don’t know, I’ve, uh… never been married until, well… now.”
Carefully, Frey stated, “You hid taking it from me.”
I blinked in confusion before, equally carefully, I replied, “No, honey, I didn’t. I don’t know why you’d think that but I guess you just were never around when I took it.”
He nodded before he reminded me gently, “All right, Finnie, but we discussed it with you approaching the subject within twenty-four hours of my return to you after I was at sea.”
“I know, Frey, because we were set to have sex within twenty-four hours after your return to me and, at that time, I thought I was going home and I didn’t want to do it pregnant or with a newborn who’d never see his or her father again.”
He studied me for long moments.
Then he muttered, “I misinterpreted this,” but as he did, he held my eyes.
I smiled at him and said softly, “I gathered that.”
His eyes dropped to my mouth then his hand shifted up so his thumb could stroke my cheekbone as his eyes lifted back to mine.
Then he whispered, “I was in love with you when I ordered the elves to bind you to me.”
My body stiffened slightly under his and I shook my head and whispered, “Frey –”
“It is true I didn’t know it,” he interrupted me. “All I knew was when Nillen told me you were set to leave, I couldn’t abide that. Nillen warned me there would be consequences but I decided I would accept whatever they were as long as I knew you could never leave me.” His face dipped closer and his voice dipped lower when he went on, “You already had a hold on my heart, Finnie. You must believe I would not have done what I did if that wasn’t true.”
“You barely knew me,” I pointed out quietly.
“I knew you were beautiful. I knew you smelled good. I knew you filled out a gown very nicely. I knew you could cook. I knew your cheeks got pink and your eyes lit when you were excited. I knew in just weeks you made friends, you chattered brightly, you were interested in me, you smiled easily, you laughed readily, you would come to my defense when you thought I faced danger, you responded to my touch and,” he grinned, “you did that wildly.”
