Willing Sacrifice

Page 67

Jon’s wife had hesitated, then delivered the message that even the kindness in her voice couldn’t soften. “She asked that you not contact her. For the foreseeable future, she said she needs to go back to the way things were. If she wants to talk to you, she’ll let you know.”
That weight in his chest became a fucking anvil. He took his shower, sat at his crappy kitchen table, stared out into the yard that was pretty much just bare patches and mowed weeds. Then he wrote up his resignation. He’d said he’d be the one who backed off if the shit hit the fan, right? This was her job, her world. He could make a new world elsewhere, give her the space she needed. And maybe, in time, she’d…
Or maybe not. When all was said and done, he was just a limo driver and a guy who used to be a SEAL. Damn it, he wasn’t giving up on her. But all night, when he’d barely slept, he kept seeing her dead eyes, felt her rigid body beneath his hands. He’d done that to her. What right did he have to shove himself in her face right now?
He could have used the resignation as a way to see her, but whatever he decided to do or not do, he knew it was too soon. Instead, he drove out to Matt’s house early Saturday morning. He didn’t know how Dana and Marcie had spun it, but he understood enough about the Dom/sub thing now, and how deep it ran for them, to know they’d likely told the complete truth to explain the bruises, Marcie’s ankle. But honesty didn’t always make things better. He’d never lied to Janet about anything, but they’d ended up here anyway, right?
He could have come by Matt’s house Monday morning before the K&A CEO left for work, but a soldier didn’t dodge his commanding officer, putting off the ass chewing. When he pulled up in the driveway, Matt was sitting in a chair on the side lawn, next to a cup of coffee and the remains of his breakfast. Max didn’t see Savannah, but maybe they took turns with the baby’s morning routine, letting the other sleep in on weekends. That’s what married people did, nice things for each other like that. The way it was supposed to be, right?
Angelica was on a blanket at Matt’s feet, playing with some toys. She looked up as he crossed the lawn to them. Matt folded his paper, set it to the side, fixed his gaze on him. No smile of welcome, just those measuring hawk eyes.
Oh yeah. They knew.
Max cleared his throat, extended the envelope. “I’m sorry to disturb your breakfast, sir, but I thought it might be best to get this done first thing. I’m resigning, effective immediately. I brought Wade up to speed on things these past couple days, and I’ll be available to him for anything he needs. I know you’ll decide who you want in the position, but I figure he’s the best to step into my shoes until you do that. He’s a good man though. He can handle the job.”
Matt put the envelope on top of the paper. Still said nothing. Max forced himself not to squirm.
“Sir. If, at any time, I’d ever thought my presence would endanger a member of your family, I never would have accepted your job offer. I know I should have foreseen it, anticipated it. There’s nothing that excuses that lack of judgment, but I wanted you to know it was never an intentional decision.”
“I know that, Max.”
If someone told Max that Matt Kensington had the ability to laser a man’s torso into three pieces with the look he was giving him now, he’d well believe it.
“I’m going, but I need to ask if you’ve heard from Janet. If she’s okay.”
Angelica cooed, shook her rattle at Max, but he couldn’t summon a smile. Matt took his eye off Max long enough to lean forward, close his fingers gently on the top of the rattle and engage in a playful tug-of-war with her. She beamed at her father, giggled.
Something hard and ugly twisted in Max’s chest. He needed to go. He’d find some work in the Baton Rouge area. Amanda’s facility was on that side of the outskirts of New Orleans, so the commute back and forth wouldn’t be bad. And he was going to take Janet’s advice, see if he could integrate more people into her life. Maybe he’d get a nice two-bedroom apartment, talk to Gayle about having Jenny come up and stay with him a couple weeks after her baby came. He could help with the kid, show Jenny a good time around New Orleans and maybe prevent what everyone figured was pretty inevitable, that she didn’t have the strength to deal with what her husband was. It wasn’t for everyone. But maybe Max could tip the balance, make the impossible seem possible to her.
“Please, sir. I don’t have a right to know, I get that, but please make sure Janet’s okay. I know you will anyway, but I’m worried this maybe opened up some bad memories for her. She might need someone close to her for a while, and she’s not letting me…I’m afraid she won’t let me be that person.”
It ached like a fucking wound to say it out loud. He wanted to sleep beside her, hold her through the nightmares. Share break time with her, make her smile. Bring that warm flush to her cheeks when he called her Mistress. Give her foot massages that made her moan in that soft, amusing, arousing way…
“Thank you for everything, sir.”
He pivoted, a fucking rash burning in his lungs. He’d managed five strides when Matt spoke.
“I spoke to her last night, Max.”
Max stopped and turned, heart in his throat. Matt still had the same look, but he was talking about her, so that was fine.
“She indicated that you had no control over their participation—hers, Dana’s and Marcie’s. Knowing all three of the women in question as we do, we were well aware of that. But she asked, as a personal favor—the second one she’s requested from me in all our years together—that there be no repercussions against you, that you keep your job. She also called and spoke to Peter and Ben, making clear what Dana and Marcie, respectively, also made clear to them. That you are not to be blamed for the situation.”
“With all due respect, that’s bullshit, sir. And I don’t hide behind women.”
“You’d need to hide behind your SEAL team if I relayed that second comment to them.” Though the comment was dry, nothing about Matt’s visage suggested humor. “But I agree with your first one. You understand there are consequences to your actions that no friend, foe or family member can exonerate. Which I expect explains this.” He put his hand on the resignation, and his gaze sharpened, such that Max almost did feel the laser cut of it across his sore ribs. “You understand our code. That no matter what was outside of your control, three women I consider mine to protect, two of whom also belong to men of my family, were put at serious risk because of your situation.”
“Yes sir.”
“That, should anything about this matter ever come to light, they are accomplices to murder.”
He’d cop to the death of every one of those bodies under oath to take the full heat of that, but that wasn’t Matt’s point. Max nodded again, swallowing hard.
Matt inclined his head. “I accept your resignation. For now.”
Max blinked. “Excuse me, sir?”
“If you accept the consequences of your actions, then you accept responsibility for healing what you’ve injured. My trust, the trust of my team. Janet’s heart. You’re used to situations where you go on missions, and then you come back home, two totally different theaters. When you were pursuing Dino, you weren’t in that kind of vacuum. You built relationships. Dana, Marcie and Janet all came into that situation because that is what happens when you create a family. They would no more allow you to face what you faced alone than you would have allowed them to do so if they faced something similar.”
That same nail, being hammered into his head once again. Hadn’t Janet as much as said that to him? This isn’t a mission environment. This is your life.
“So I understand the guilt you are carrying,” Matt continued, “likely far better than they do. You know it was your fault that they were there. However, the answer is not abandoning your family. We know what lengths you’ll go to avenge them. Show me what you’ll do to keep them, heal them. Now, come shake my daughter’s rattle to prove to her that she utterly captivates every person who sees her. I only have a few more weeks to spoil her. Then she’ll be walking and she’ll have to learn about rules and manners.”
Max dutifully came back across the grass. When he squatted by the blanket, he managed a stiff smile as Angelica looked at him with her mother’s liquid blue eyes. But the dark hair, the determination in her delicate features, that was Matt. She was going to be a scary heartbreaker. He touched her small hand, and she ended up being the one who shook the rattle at him, which made her burst into another fit of baby laughter that couldn’t help but make him smile a little more naturally, despite the ache it increased in his chest.
He looked down at the design of the baby quilt. There was embroidery on every other panel, a mouse and rabbit dancing together in a field of flowers on one, taking a nap together in another, and so forth. Between each panel was a quilted blue square. With all the horrible things he’d seen, it always bemused him that such things existed in the same dimension, let alone on the same planet. He wondered how long Janet had felt like that after Jorge. Probably quite awhile. And he’d driven that schism back into her world again.
“I don’t know how to break through, sir,” he said miserably. “She’s shut me out. It’s like an ice wall. I could go beat on her door, force her see me, but I know that’s not going to break it.” She’d just stand behind that wall of ice and stare at him, tell him to go away. “I know it’s only been a day, but I know what my gut tells me. Something’s really wrong, something that time’s not going to help.” Or at least, by the time it got resolved, she’d have him completely cut out of her life. If he wasn’t a selfish bastard, he’d accept it, accept she was maybe better off without him, but he couldn’t let go of her. He just couldn’t.
“I’ve been around SEALs for a while, Max. First through my father’s acquaintances, and then you. The one thing I know is you don’t give up. You figure out how to win, and there’s no strategy you leave unturned. So figure it out. If you can’t break the ice, melt it.”