Wings of the Wicked
Page 70
“I’ll never leave your side.”
“I need you there. But I need you to be just my Guardian right now. Nothing more.”
“Anything for you.”
I looked over to where he sat, but he had vanished.
Just after six the next evening, I stared into the bathroom mirror. My phone sat untouched next to my hand on the counter, waiting for me to call Kate. I could pull this off tonight. Nobody would be paying attention to me. No one even cared.
There was a soft knock on the door.
“Come in,” I called.
Nana emerged with Bluebelle on her heels. The cat made an ugly meow as he darted through the door. Once in the bathroom, he gave an irritated shake and sauntered around, as if surveying his territory. He started toward me to rub against my leg, but I didn’t reach for him. I knew it would have been a better idea—and possibly less painful—to hug a cactus than to touch Bluebelle.
“How are you doing, honey?” Nana asked, her voice gentle and her gaze studying my face. “Since you’re likely not putting on that mascara just to go to bed, I’m assuming you’re still meeting your friends at the bowling alley.”
I pulled my blush compact and powder brush out of my makeup bag, holding the items hesitantly between my fingers. “Yeah. As long as it’s okay with you.”
Her eyes met mine in the mirror. “I’m glad you’re going. You need to get out and be yourself again.”
And that was just it. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was Ellie, but I was also Gabriel. How was I supposed to be myself when I was two completely different people in one body? “Everyone keeps telling me that.”
“That’s because they love you.”
Because they love me. “Nana, do you think Papa would ever have done something bad to protect you? Because he loved you?”
Her gaze in the mirror flashed with curiosity but turned sympathetic in the next moment. “Your grandfather would have done anything for me. And I would have done anything for him.”
I looked down at the powder brush still in my hand. Bluebelle rubbed his fat belly up against my leg. “Even if it was something wrong?”
When I looked back up, the suspicion had returned to her eyes. “Is there something you want to talk to me about, Ellie?”
“Not specifically,” I lied. I had to force myself not to spill my guts right then and there about everything I knew about my parents’ fates.
“I think it depends on the kind of wrong,” she said when I didn’t elaborate. “If he had to hurt someone else to protect me, then no. I wouldn’t want anyone to suffer for me.”
I swallowed. “But if he had hurt someone who isn’t around anymore to be affected by it, would you have forgiven him?”
“Are we still talking about Papa?”
I didn’t respond, but that was as clear a no to Nana as anything.
She sighed. “It sounds like you need to figure out if whatever happened was really so terrible. Some things we have to do because they’re necessary, and not because they’re anything we want to do. Life is difficult, and sometimes we must make difficult decisions to protect the ones we love.”
I stared at my reflection. Deep down, beneath everything in me that wanted to stay furious with Will, I knew my grandmother was right. I turned to my makeup again and began to dust blush over my cheeks. Nana smiled at me in the mirror.
“Thanks,” I said, and returned her smile weakly.
“Of course, baby. What time will you be home tonight? Don’t forget you have school tomorrow.”
“I’ll be back before nine.”
“Have a good time, then,” she said.
“Thanks, Nana.”
“And,” she started, making a thoughtful pause before continuing, “whatever happened … some paths are easier to take, but they may not always be the right ones. Why don’t you consider the alternative: What would have happened if this bad thing was never done? Some bad things may be the right things in the end. Maybe you can forgive him then.”
She winked at me before leaving the bathroom. I listened to her slow descent down the stairs, considering her words. I picked up my phone to call Kate.
Will emerged from the Grim and stood next to my car as I walked out the front door. He wore a dark green wool pullover that made the green of his eyes appear even more unnatural. I caught myself staring into them for longer than I should have.
“I don’t have to come if you don’t want me to,” he said as we climbed into my car.
“You’re my Guardian.” I started the engine, and the car rolled down the driveway. “You need to be wherever I am.”
He was silent for some time, staring out the windshield. “Do you want me to be here?”
“Not really,” I replied slowly, forcing the honest answer out of myself. “But I’m trying.”
He glanced at me sidelong, tilting his head just slightly. “I don’t want you to be unhappy. As soon as you get uncomfortable, let me know. I’ll get you out of there.”
I stifled a laugh. “It’s as if you’re expecting a fight at the bowling alley.”
“You know what I mean,” he said quietly.
I did know what he meant. There would be other kids there who weren’t my friends and didn’t care if they hurt my feelings by staring at me or talking about me. But I refused to let them bother me. I took a deep breath and mumbled, “Thanks.”
“I need you there. But I need you to be just my Guardian right now. Nothing more.”
“Anything for you.”
I looked over to where he sat, but he had vanished.
Just after six the next evening, I stared into the bathroom mirror. My phone sat untouched next to my hand on the counter, waiting for me to call Kate. I could pull this off tonight. Nobody would be paying attention to me. No one even cared.
There was a soft knock on the door.
“Come in,” I called.
Nana emerged with Bluebelle on her heels. The cat made an ugly meow as he darted through the door. Once in the bathroom, he gave an irritated shake and sauntered around, as if surveying his territory. He started toward me to rub against my leg, but I didn’t reach for him. I knew it would have been a better idea—and possibly less painful—to hug a cactus than to touch Bluebelle.
“How are you doing, honey?” Nana asked, her voice gentle and her gaze studying my face. “Since you’re likely not putting on that mascara just to go to bed, I’m assuming you’re still meeting your friends at the bowling alley.”
I pulled my blush compact and powder brush out of my makeup bag, holding the items hesitantly between my fingers. “Yeah. As long as it’s okay with you.”
Her eyes met mine in the mirror. “I’m glad you’re going. You need to get out and be yourself again.”
And that was just it. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was Ellie, but I was also Gabriel. How was I supposed to be myself when I was two completely different people in one body? “Everyone keeps telling me that.”
“That’s because they love you.”
Because they love me. “Nana, do you think Papa would ever have done something bad to protect you? Because he loved you?”
Her gaze in the mirror flashed with curiosity but turned sympathetic in the next moment. “Your grandfather would have done anything for me. And I would have done anything for him.”
I looked down at the powder brush still in my hand. Bluebelle rubbed his fat belly up against my leg. “Even if it was something wrong?”
When I looked back up, the suspicion had returned to her eyes. “Is there something you want to talk to me about, Ellie?”
“Not specifically,” I lied. I had to force myself not to spill my guts right then and there about everything I knew about my parents’ fates.
“I think it depends on the kind of wrong,” she said when I didn’t elaborate. “If he had to hurt someone else to protect me, then no. I wouldn’t want anyone to suffer for me.”
I swallowed. “But if he had hurt someone who isn’t around anymore to be affected by it, would you have forgiven him?”
“Are we still talking about Papa?”
I didn’t respond, but that was as clear a no to Nana as anything.
She sighed. “It sounds like you need to figure out if whatever happened was really so terrible. Some things we have to do because they’re necessary, and not because they’re anything we want to do. Life is difficult, and sometimes we must make difficult decisions to protect the ones we love.”
I stared at my reflection. Deep down, beneath everything in me that wanted to stay furious with Will, I knew my grandmother was right. I turned to my makeup again and began to dust blush over my cheeks. Nana smiled at me in the mirror.
“Thanks,” I said, and returned her smile weakly.
“Of course, baby. What time will you be home tonight? Don’t forget you have school tomorrow.”
“I’ll be back before nine.”
“Have a good time, then,” she said.
“Thanks, Nana.”
“And,” she started, making a thoughtful pause before continuing, “whatever happened … some paths are easier to take, but they may not always be the right ones. Why don’t you consider the alternative: What would have happened if this bad thing was never done? Some bad things may be the right things in the end. Maybe you can forgive him then.”
She winked at me before leaving the bathroom. I listened to her slow descent down the stairs, considering her words. I picked up my phone to call Kate.
Will emerged from the Grim and stood next to my car as I walked out the front door. He wore a dark green wool pullover that made the green of his eyes appear even more unnatural. I caught myself staring into them for longer than I should have.
“I don’t have to come if you don’t want me to,” he said as we climbed into my car.
“You’re my Guardian.” I started the engine, and the car rolled down the driveway. “You need to be wherever I am.”
He was silent for some time, staring out the windshield. “Do you want me to be here?”
“Not really,” I replied slowly, forcing the honest answer out of myself. “But I’m trying.”
He glanced at me sidelong, tilting his head just slightly. “I don’t want you to be unhappy. As soon as you get uncomfortable, let me know. I’ll get you out of there.”
I stifled a laugh. “It’s as if you’re expecting a fight at the bowling alley.”
“You know what I mean,” he said quietly.
I did know what he meant. There would be other kids there who weren’t my friends and didn’t care if they hurt my feelings by staring at me or talking about me. But I refused to let them bother me. I took a deep breath and mumbled, “Thanks.”
