With All My Soul
Page 26
No choice. Em unbuckled her seat belt, and her hand trembled with the motion. We cant afford to put it off any longer.
I unbuckled my own belt, one hand on the door handle. If its too much for youif she gets upset and you cant control the syphoningjust let me know, and well get you out of there. She had been through so much already, and my heart ached at the thought of what lay ahead for her and for Traci. A decision no woman should ever have to make. A choice no human could ever anticipate.
Another devastating decision neither of them would be facing if theyd never met me.
I was a disease, infecting everyone I came into contact with, and the rot spread too fast to be contained. I went around with my scalpel, excising the infected bits of tissueoperating on lives and memories I didnt have the right to slice upbut the only way to truly stop the infection was to cut off the source.
To excise me.
Id been struggling to clean up my own mess for so long that I could no longer tell if continuing to fight made me brave or selfish.
Thanks. Ill be fine, though. Em opened her door and got out of the car, and when I stood, still trying to gather my thoughts, I was surprised for the dozenth time by the fact that I could almost see over her head. In her own body, Emma had been taller than I was.
Traci answered the door on the second knock, and the first thing I noticed when she let us in were the bags beneath her eyes. Shed looked tired at Emmas funeral, but Id attributed that to the stress of losing, then burying, her sister. But now, I couldnt deny that it was more than that.
It was the pregnancy.
Traci, Emmas middle sister, was pregnant with my murderers child. And, like nearly everything else that had gone wrong over the past few months, that was my fault. Mr. Beck had been looking for me when hed found her.
Hey, Kaylee. Its good to see you. Traci pulled me into a hug with too-thin arms, and I had to stop myself from blurting out how sorry I was for what she was going through, and how Id do anything for a cosmic do-over. For the chance to take it all back.
Instead I swallowed apologies she wouldnt understand and returned her hug. Thanks. I was careful not to squeeze her too hard. She hardly had any belly yet, and she looked like shed blow over in a light breeze. This is Harmony Hudson, Nashs mom. And this is my cousin Emily. They came to...help. Moral support.
Nice to meet you. Traci shook Harmonys hand, then motioned for us to come in. Then she turned to shake her sisters hand without a single sign of recognition. Kaylee can show you Emmas room. Take whatever you want to remember Emma by. Mom, Cara, and I have already been through it all and taken what we wanted. What meansthe most to us.
Ems eyes watered. Traci didnt notice.
How are you? I said, instead of leading everyone to Ems room. Traci was leaning against the doorframe. I was afraid she might fall.
Um...Im having a rough first trimester. She let go of the doorframe and sank onto the arm of the couch. Emma told you about...the baby?
Actually, Id told Em about the baby, weeks before Traci had even known she was pregnant.
When Mr. Beck had come to Emmas house looking for me and my best friend, hed found Traci instead. What hed done to Ems sister might not have been rape by any human legal definition, but I couldnt think of it any other way. Mr. Beck was an incubus. Hed made Traci want to sleep with him. She didnt know it, but shed had no choice.
If her baby was a boyan incubusthe pregnancy would probably kill her. All signs were pointing toward that already. And if the pregnancy didnt kill her, the childs birth almost certainly would.
We hadnt really come so I could take something to remember Em by. Wed come to help Traci.
Is there anything I can do? I asked. Harmony looked like she had plenty of suggestions, but I knew she wanted to wait until Tracid had something to drink.
No, thanks, hon. Im fine. Just tired.
Do you want something to drink? Emma asked a second before I would have. I could use a soda, if you have any. She knew they had some. All her mother ever drank was Dr. Pepper. Pretending to be unfamiliar with her own house must have been killing her.
Sure. Traci stood. Just give me a minute.
You dont look like you feel good, Harmony said, right on cue. If you dont mind, I can get everyone a drink while the girls go through Emmas things.
Traci only hesitated for a second. Then she sighed and sank onto the couch again. Thatd be great. Thanks.
Harmony disappeared into the kitchen while Em and I headed to her room and Traci stayed on the couch.
She looks sick, Em whispered to me in the hall.
I nodded. Were going to help her. But Tracis health would come with a price only she could pay.
Emmas room was a mess. There were open cardboard boxes on the floor, photos missing from the walls, and clothes draped over the back of Ems desk chair. Her bed was unmade, too, but that had nothing to do with her death. The bed probably looked just like it had when shed woken up after her last night in it.
I was halfway across Emmas room when I realized shed stopped in the doorway. You okay? I called over my shoulder.
I unbuckled my own belt, one hand on the door handle. If its too much for youif she gets upset and you cant control the syphoningjust let me know, and well get you out of there. She had been through so much already, and my heart ached at the thought of what lay ahead for her and for Traci. A decision no woman should ever have to make. A choice no human could ever anticipate.
Another devastating decision neither of them would be facing if theyd never met me.
I was a disease, infecting everyone I came into contact with, and the rot spread too fast to be contained. I went around with my scalpel, excising the infected bits of tissueoperating on lives and memories I didnt have the right to slice upbut the only way to truly stop the infection was to cut off the source.
To excise me.
Id been struggling to clean up my own mess for so long that I could no longer tell if continuing to fight made me brave or selfish.
Thanks. Ill be fine, though. Em opened her door and got out of the car, and when I stood, still trying to gather my thoughts, I was surprised for the dozenth time by the fact that I could almost see over her head. In her own body, Emma had been taller than I was.
Traci answered the door on the second knock, and the first thing I noticed when she let us in were the bags beneath her eyes. Shed looked tired at Emmas funeral, but Id attributed that to the stress of losing, then burying, her sister. But now, I couldnt deny that it was more than that.
It was the pregnancy.
Traci, Emmas middle sister, was pregnant with my murderers child. And, like nearly everything else that had gone wrong over the past few months, that was my fault. Mr. Beck had been looking for me when hed found her.
Hey, Kaylee. Its good to see you. Traci pulled me into a hug with too-thin arms, and I had to stop myself from blurting out how sorry I was for what she was going through, and how Id do anything for a cosmic do-over. For the chance to take it all back.
Instead I swallowed apologies she wouldnt understand and returned her hug. Thanks. I was careful not to squeeze her too hard. She hardly had any belly yet, and she looked like shed blow over in a light breeze. This is Harmony Hudson, Nashs mom. And this is my cousin Emily. They came to...help. Moral support.
Nice to meet you. Traci shook Harmonys hand, then motioned for us to come in. Then she turned to shake her sisters hand without a single sign of recognition. Kaylee can show you Emmas room. Take whatever you want to remember Emma by. Mom, Cara, and I have already been through it all and taken what we wanted. What meansthe most to us.
Ems eyes watered. Traci didnt notice.
How are you? I said, instead of leading everyone to Ems room. Traci was leaning against the doorframe. I was afraid she might fall.
Um...Im having a rough first trimester. She let go of the doorframe and sank onto the arm of the couch. Emma told you about...the baby?
Actually, Id told Em about the baby, weeks before Traci had even known she was pregnant.
When Mr. Beck had come to Emmas house looking for me and my best friend, hed found Traci instead. What hed done to Ems sister might not have been rape by any human legal definition, but I couldnt think of it any other way. Mr. Beck was an incubus. Hed made Traci want to sleep with him. She didnt know it, but shed had no choice.
If her baby was a boyan incubusthe pregnancy would probably kill her. All signs were pointing toward that already. And if the pregnancy didnt kill her, the childs birth almost certainly would.
We hadnt really come so I could take something to remember Em by. Wed come to help Traci.
Is there anything I can do? I asked. Harmony looked like she had plenty of suggestions, but I knew she wanted to wait until Tracid had something to drink.
No, thanks, hon. Im fine. Just tired.
Do you want something to drink? Emma asked a second before I would have. I could use a soda, if you have any. She knew they had some. All her mother ever drank was Dr. Pepper. Pretending to be unfamiliar with her own house must have been killing her.
Sure. Traci stood. Just give me a minute.
You dont look like you feel good, Harmony said, right on cue. If you dont mind, I can get everyone a drink while the girls go through Emmas things.
Traci only hesitated for a second. Then she sighed and sank onto the couch again. Thatd be great. Thanks.
Harmony disappeared into the kitchen while Em and I headed to her room and Traci stayed on the couch.
She looks sick, Em whispered to me in the hall.
I nodded. Were going to help her. But Tracis health would come with a price only she could pay.
Emmas room was a mess. There were open cardboard boxes on the floor, photos missing from the walls, and clothes draped over the back of Ems desk chair. Her bed was unmade, too, but that had nothing to do with her death. The bed probably looked just like it had when shed woken up after her last night in it.
I was halfway across Emmas room when I realized shed stopped in the doorway. You okay? I called over my shoulder.
