With All My Soul
Page 68
And I fully support that right. Here. I pushed away from my desk and handed him the carton of fried rice Id brought from the kitchen, with a fork sticking up straight from the center. I didnt know whether or not he could use chopsticks, but I knew Tod could not. At all. You should eat.
Thanks. He took the carton and glanced at me, but then turned back to Sabine. I headed for the hall to give him space, but when he spoke, I stopped, one hand on the doorknob. What if she dies?
I let go of the door and turned around. Shes not going to die.
But what if she does? What if she dies without ever waking up, and I dont get the chance to tell her...all the things I need to say? All the things she needs to hear? He exhaled slowly, and I could practically see his optimism die. Ive wasted so much time. And so many words. What if I dont get the chance to make it right?
He was looking at me now, as if I might have the answer. As if I had to have the answer. Do you love her?
Yeah. Im sorry, but I dont think I ever really stopped. I just didnt realize it until she came back and made me remember...everything we had. But that doesnt mean I didnt love you, too....
I actually laughed, just a little, over the irony. I couldnt help it. You dont have to apologize to me for loving your girlfriend, Nash. In fact, dont ever apologize for loving someone. Just make sure that when she wakes upand she will wake upyou tell her what you just told me.
The door squeaked open at my back, and Tod stepped into the room. Wed both been making an effort to stay corporeal when we werent alone, for everyone elses benefit. Any change? he asked with a concerned glance in Sabines direction.
Nothing yet. Nash cleared his throat nervously, and I realized what he was about to say just a second too late to prevent it. While youre here, I...um...I just wanted to say Im sorry.
Tod crossed both arms over his short-sleeved tee. What did you do now?
Nothing. Nothing recent, anyway.
Then what are you sorry for?
Crap, crap, crap! Id wanted to warn Tod that Id broken my promise....
Everything. Im sorry for everything. Nash shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground for a second. When he looked up, I could see him struggling to hide the conflicting emotions stirring in his irises. You should have told me what really happened. I could have handled it. But thats not the point. He took another deep breath, and I saw Tods posture slowly start to relax, though he didnt uncross his arms. What Im trying to say is that what you did for me means something. It means everything. And Im so damnsorry for wasting it.
Tod blinked. Then he turned to me, his irises as still as Id ever seen them. You told him?
Im sorry. It just kind of...came out. But, Tod, he needed to know. He deserves to know.
Why didnt you tell me? Nash said, and Tod turned back to him, struggling to keep a lid on what he was feeling. Locking us both out.
Because I didnt want it to be like this. I didnt want you to think you owed me something. I didnt want you to feel like you had to live your life like I would have lived mine. I wanted you to live your own way.
My way is stupid, Tod. Stupid and reckless.
I know. The reaper finally cracked a small smile. I knew that going into it. But stupid and reckless can be outgrowndeath cant. Tod shoved that single, errant curl back from his forehead, and suddenly he looked serious again. Youre smart enough to be someone important. To do something good. But you werent going to do any of that from a hole in the ground. He shrugged. When you died, I realized that the most important thing I could ever do with my life was to make sure youd keep living yours.
You are so full of shit, Nash said. Then he threw his arms around his brother, and their long overdue fraternal hug blurred beneath my tearsthe first happy ones Id shed in ages.
* * *
Well, youve had a busy day. Tod sank onto the couch next to me with two glasses of soda and handed me one of them.
Thanks. I took a drink, then made myself meet his gaze. Im sorry I told your secret. I was going to tell you as soon as you got back, but then Sabine was hurt, and there just hasnt been much of a break since then. I sipped from the glass he gave me, then held it, letting condensation drip down my fingers.
Tod shrugged, and I noticed a mischievous tilt in the corners of his beautiful mouth. I planned to tell him eventually anyway, but according to the official Big Mouth code of honor, you now owe me a new secret. He took my glass and set it on the coffee table next to his, then took my cold, damp hand in his warm one. Thats the only way to restore the balance of information in this relationship.
You already know everything worth knowing about me.
His fingers threaded with mine and he leaned so close I could feel his breath on my ear. You dont have to tell me a new secret. His intimate whisper echoed through me in all the best places. You have to help me make one.
My eyes widened. Here? Now? I frowned, trying to ignore the cravings that just being so close to him awoke in me. Just because we can be invisible and inaudible doesnt mean
Thanks. He took the carton and glanced at me, but then turned back to Sabine. I headed for the hall to give him space, but when he spoke, I stopped, one hand on the doorknob. What if she dies?
I let go of the door and turned around. Shes not going to die.
But what if she does? What if she dies without ever waking up, and I dont get the chance to tell her...all the things I need to say? All the things she needs to hear? He exhaled slowly, and I could practically see his optimism die. Ive wasted so much time. And so many words. What if I dont get the chance to make it right?
He was looking at me now, as if I might have the answer. As if I had to have the answer. Do you love her?
Yeah. Im sorry, but I dont think I ever really stopped. I just didnt realize it until she came back and made me remember...everything we had. But that doesnt mean I didnt love you, too....
I actually laughed, just a little, over the irony. I couldnt help it. You dont have to apologize to me for loving your girlfriend, Nash. In fact, dont ever apologize for loving someone. Just make sure that when she wakes upand she will wake upyou tell her what you just told me.
The door squeaked open at my back, and Tod stepped into the room. Wed both been making an effort to stay corporeal when we werent alone, for everyone elses benefit. Any change? he asked with a concerned glance in Sabines direction.
Nothing yet. Nash cleared his throat nervously, and I realized what he was about to say just a second too late to prevent it. While youre here, I...um...I just wanted to say Im sorry.
Tod crossed both arms over his short-sleeved tee. What did you do now?
Nothing. Nothing recent, anyway.
Then what are you sorry for?
Crap, crap, crap! Id wanted to warn Tod that Id broken my promise....
Everything. Im sorry for everything. Nash shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground for a second. When he looked up, I could see him struggling to hide the conflicting emotions stirring in his irises. You should have told me what really happened. I could have handled it. But thats not the point. He took another deep breath, and I saw Tods posture slowly start to relax, though he didnt uncross his arms. What Im trying to say is that what you did for me means something. It means everything. And Im so damnsorry for wasting it.
Tod blinked. Then he turned to me, his irises as still as Id ever seen them. You told him?
Im sorry. It just kind of...came out. But, Tod, he needed to know. He deserves to know.
Why didnt you tell me? Nash said, and Tod turned back to him, struggling to keep a lid on what he was feeling. Locking us both out.
Because I didnt want it to be like this. I didnt want you to think you owed me something. I didnt want you to feel like you had to live your life like I would have lived mine. I wanted you to live your own way.
My way is stupid, Tod. Stupid and reckless.
I know. The reaper finally cracked a small smile. I knew that going into it. But stupid and reckless can be outgrowndeath cant. Tod shoved that single, errant curl back from his forehead, and suddenly he looked serious again. Youre smart enough to be someone important. To do something good. But you werent going to do any of that from a hole in the ground. He shrugged. When you died, I realized that the most important thing I could ever do with my life was to make sure youd keep living yours.
You are so full of shit, Nash said. Then he threw his arms around his brother, and their long overdue fraternal hug blurred beneath my tearsthe first happy ones Id shed in ages.
* * *
Well, youve had a busy day. Tod sank onto the couch next to me with two glasses of soda and handed me one of them.
Thanks. I took a drink, then made myself meet his gaze. Im sorry I told your secret. I was going to tell you as soon as you got back, but then Sabine was hurt, and there just hasnt been much of a break since then. I sipped from the glass he gave me, then held it, letting condensation drip down my fingers.
Tod shrugged, and I noticed a mischievous tilt in the corners of his beautiful mouth. I planned to tell him eventually anyway, but according to the official Big Mouth code of honor, you now owe me a new secret. He took my glass and set it on the coffee table next to his, then took my cold, damp hand in his warm one. Thats the only way to restore the balance of information in this relationship.
You already know everything worth knowing about me.
His fingers threaded with mine and he leaned so close I could feel his breath on my ear. You dont have to tell me a new secret. His intimate whisper echoed through me in all the best places. You have to help me make one.
My eyes widened. Here? Now? I frowned, trying to ignore the cravings that just being so close to him awoke in me. Just because we can be invisible and inaudible doesnt mean
