With All My Soul
Page 8
Now bury the hatchet in this stupid little family feud, or Im going to bury one in you both!
For a moment, we all stared at her. I should have been accustomed to her lack of a verbal filter and apparent determination to discuss my private life in front of the entire world, but every now and then she still shocked me.
Well? She glanced from one brother to the other, but before either of them decided to make the first move, Emma looked up, her jaw set in a determined line, though she wasnt looking at anyone in particularin fact, she seemed to be looking inward.
Ill do it. Ill be Belphegores carrot.
For a second I could only stare at Emma as what she was saying sank in. Then I shook my head, horrified by the thought. When Id said we would be the bait, I hadnt meant Emma. More than any of us, she deserved a little peace.
No, Em, you dont have to do that. Youve been through so much already. This is the last thing you need right now.
She twisted on the couch to face me, tucking one leg beneath her, and again I was thrown off by how odd it was to look into Lydias face and see Emmas eyes. Hear Emmas voice. Your plan is good, Kaylee, she said. Its smart, and its bold, and it could work. But it wont work if youre not willing to accept help. To let the rest of us take the risks youve been taking on your own.
No, Kaylees right. Ill do it. Tod shrugged. I prefer to think of myself as a pretty accurate judge of my own gifts, but in the right slant of light, that could be seen as vanity, and
Im the natural choice, Em insisted.
Youre the least vain person I know
Just listen, my best friend said, and I did, because that was the least I owed her. I never thought about it until I died and woke up with a strangers face, but who we are is very much influenced by what we look like. By our own self-images. Think about the crazy things people will do to change the way they look. Dangerous diets. Obsessive workouts. Unnecessary surgeries. And what theyre really trying to change is who they are. Or at least how they see themselves. As if changing what they look like can actually do that. It cant. But for the first time, I understand that mind-set. Its like my name.
Your name? Nash looked just as confused as I felt.
Yeah. We went through several baby books and at least a dozen baby-naming websites looking for a new name for me, but no matter what we triedno matter what names I thought I likedI couldnt remember to answer to them. Because they werent me. I didnt associate those names with who I am. Just like I dont associate this bodythis facewith who I am. Every time I look in the mirror, Im surprised. Theres this moment ofdisorientation when I have to remind myself that Im seeing my own reflection. And I know I should be grateful. Sophie was right about that. Im still alive, and thats the most important thing, and I should be grateful to Tod and Kaylee for directing my soul, and to Lydia for giving me her body. Not that she had any choice in the matter.
Em sniffled and a tear fell from each of her eyes to roll slowly down her cheeks. But I cant help it. Every time I look in the mirror, Im disappointed.
Because youre not pretty anymore? Sabine said, and Id never wanted worse to smack her.
Okay, except for that time I did smack her.
What? the mara said, like she actually didnt understand her gaffe. Its true. Lydias not pretty, and Ems used to being pretty. That cant be easy. I may not go through a lot of trouble in the morning, but that doesnt mean Id be happy to wake up tomorrow with nothing to fill out my bra, you know? She gestured toward my nearly flat chest, and that time my palm itched to connect with her face.
Shes right. Em frowned and glanced at me apologetically. Not about your boobs. Theyre fine.
Way better than fine, Tod leaned over to whisper, and I buried my face in my hands, both embarrassed and relieved to realize that Nash was the only one in the room whod refrained from commenting on the sad state of my personal assets.
But Sabine knows what Im saying, Em said, mercifully diverting attention from me and my subpar endowment. I liked who I was. What I looked like. I liked having curves, and I liked my hair, and loved having clear skin without having to mess with it. I liked seeing my eyes in my own face. Im never going to have that again, and I hate it. So yeah, Im vain. As it turns out, Im really vain. If Sabines willing to help manipulate that with a little strategic fear amplification, I know I could reel Belphegore in.
She closed her eyes for a second, then met my gaze. And, frankly, I plan to enjoy the hell out of it. The bitch broke my neck, Kaylee. Its her fault I diednot yours. And Im not going to let any of you tell me I cant play a big part in bringing her down. I deserve this. Shes going to get what she deserves, too.
Chapter Three
How was the reception? I set a glass of sweet tea on the end table next to my father, then carefully lifted his leg from the coffee table and slid a pillow beneath it.
Kaylee, you really dont have to wait on me. Im fine. He scruffed the fur between Styxs small, pointed ears, and she snuggled closer. The cutest part about their recent bonding was that my dad thought Styx was hungry for attention. I suspected the truth had more to do with her determination to protect him at all costs.
For a moment, we all stared at her. I should have been accustomed to her lack of a verbal filter and apparent determination to discuss my private life in front of the entire world, but every now and then she still shocked me.
Well? She glanced from one brother to the other, but before either of them decided to make the first move, Emma looked up, her jaw set in a determined line, though she wasnt looking at anyone in particularin fact, she seemed to be looking inward.
Ill do it. Ill be Belphegores carrot.
For a second I could only stare at Emma as what she was saying sank in. Then I shook my head, horrified by the thought. When Id said we would be the bait, I hadnt meant Emma. More than any of us, she deserved a little peace.
No, Em, you dont have to do that. Youve been through so much already. This is the last thing you need right now.
She twisted on the couch to face me, tucking one leg beneath her, and again I was thrown off by how odd it was to look into Lydias face and see Emmas eyes. Hear Emmas voice. Your plan is good, Kaylee, she said. Its smart, and its bold, and it could work. But it wont work if youre not willing to accept help. To let the rest of us take the risks youve been taking on your own.
No, Kaylees right. Ill do it. Tod shrugged. I prefer to think of myself as a pretty accurate judge of my own gifts, but in the right slant of light, that could be seen as vanity, and
Im the natural choice, Em insisted.
Youre the least vain person I know
Just listen, my best friend said, and I did, because that was the least I owed her. I never thought about it until I died and woke up with a strangers face, but who we are is very much influenced by what we look like. By our own self-images. Think about the crazy things people will do to change the way they look. Dangerous diets. Obsessive workouts. Unnecessary surgeries. And what theyre really trying to change is who they are. Or at least how they see themselves. As if changing what they look like can actually do that. It cant. But for the first time, I understand that mind-set. Its like my name.
Your name? Nash looked just as confused as I felt.
Yeah. We went through several baby books and at least a dozen baby-naming websites looking for a new name for me, but no matter what we triedno matter what names I thought I likedI couldnt remember to answer to them. Because they werent me. I didnt associate those names with who I am. Just like I dont associate this bodythis facewith who I am. Every time I look in the mirror, Im surprised. Theres this moment ofdisorientation when I have to remind myself that Im seeing my own reflection. And I know I should be grateful. Sophie was right about that. Im still alive, and thats the most important thing, and I should be grateful to Tod and Kaylee for directing my soul, and to Lydia for giving me her body. Not that she had any choice in the matter.
Em sniffled and a tear fell from each of her eyes to roll slowly down her cheeks. But I cant help it. Every time I look in the mirror, Im disappointed.
Because youre not pretty anymore? Sabine said, and Id never wanted worse to smack her.
Okay, except for that time I did smack her.
What? the mara said, like she actually didnt understand her gaffe. Its true. Lydias not pretty, and Ems used to being pretty. That cant be easy. I may not go through a lot of trouble in the morning, but that doesnt mean Id be happy to wake up tomorrow with nothing to fill out my bra, you know? She gestured toward my nearly flat chest, and that time my palm itched to connect with her face.
Shes right. Em frowned and glanced at me apologetically. Not about your boobs. Theyre fine.
Way better than fine, Tod leaned over to whisper, and I buried my face in my hands, both embarrassed and relieved to realize that Nash was the only one in the room whod refrained from commenting on the sad state of my personal assets.
But Sabine knows what Im saying, Em said, mercifully diverting attention from me and my subpar endowment. I liked who I was. What I looked like. I liked having curves, and I liked my hair, and loved having clear skin without having to mess with it. I liked seeing my eyes in my own face. Im never going to have that again, and I hate it. So yeah, Im vain. As it turns out, Im really vain. If Sabines willing to help manipulate that with a little strategic fear amplification, I know I could reel Belphegore in.
She closed her eyes for a second, then met my gaze. And, frankly, I plan to enjoy the hell out of it. The bitch broke my neck, Kaylee. Its her fault I diednot yours. And Im not going to let any of you tell me I cant play a big part in bringing her down. I deserve this. Shes going to get what she deserves, too.
Chapter Three
How was the reception? I set a glass of sweet tea on the end table next to my father, then carefully lifted his leg from the coffee table and slid a pillow beneath it.
Kaylee, you really dont have to wait on me. Im fine. He scruffed the fur between Styxs small, pointed ears, and she snuggled closer. The cutest part about their recent bonding was that my dad thought Styx was hungry for attention. I suspected the truth had more to do with her determination to protect him at all costs.
