With All My Soul
Page 85
I cant, Em whispered, tears in her brown eyes. Im pretty useless, too....
I took her hand and squeezed it, but Nash didnt seem to hear her.
Ive never felt so worthless in my entire life, and every time I try to do something about that, one of you cuts me off at the kneecaps. Im pissed at you all for standing in my way. For letting my mom suffer in the Netherworld when I could be helping get her back. Im pissed at her for going to the Netherworld in the first place. Im pissed at Avari for...relentless existence and nefarious consistency. So Ive made a decision.
Tods pale brow arched high over one blue eye. I think were all listening.
Nash ignored him with obvious effort. You guys have a choice. Either you can include me in all aspects of the planning and execution of any and all rescue efforts or Im going my own way. I still know people, you know, he added, when Tod looked skeptical. No one I really want to see again, now that Im clean, but I can find Mom on my own if I have to.
His eye contact with me was steady and determined. He meant it, and the thought that he might actually rekindle old unhealthy relationships because I wouldnt let him take risks alongside me made me...it made me sick to my stomach with fear for him.
I can get myself to the Netherworld, Nash continued. And I can get both of us back out again. All three of usIm not leaving Brendon there, either. So whats it going to be? Are you going to let me contribute to the group effort, or are you going to shut me out again for my own protection?
Everyone looked at me, not because I was in charge, but because Id messed up, and she who messes up, cleans up.
Im sorry, I said, not just to Nash but to the whole room. Hes right, and Im so sorry, Nash. I never meant to cut you out of...anything. Everything. And I shouldnt have summoned Ira again without telling anyone what I was up to.
Or at all... Em said, and I nodded in acknowledgment, avoiding Tods gaze because I wasnt ready to see whatever I might find in it.
Of course we want you to stay. I did meet Nashs gaze, because I owed him that much, at the very least. And of course youre included in everything. I didnt mean to be taking liberties that arent available to everyone else. I meant to be taking risks. So no one else would have to. I couldnt live with myself if any of you got hurt again. Youve all been through so much because of me. Our parents are still missing because of their connection to me. I just... I was looking for a way to fix that without getting anyone else hurt. Im sorry.
Promise, Nash said, and his voice cracked on that one word. Promise you wont do it again.That you wont put yourself at risk like that again with no one to back you up.
I looked at him.
I looked hard and deep, and he let me see what he was feeling. He let his eyes swirl so I could understand, and guilt overwhelmed me like heat in the middle of a Texas summer. Relentless. Overpowering. Too much to think through.
He was mad about everything hed listed. That was all true. But the truest partthe core of an anger that had many heads, like a hydrawas the thought that I could have died in one horrible moment of my own recklessness. I could have diedagainand hed never know how it happened, or why, or even what happened to my body.
Fear. The root of his anger was fear of losing me, not as his girlfriendthat part of our lives was over, and he loved Sabine; we could all see thatbut as his friend. As his more-than-a-friend. As a confidante. As one of the people whod been with him through life, and death, and addiction, and relapse, and countless moments of imminent threat from untold forms of evil.
And now he wanted to know that Id never do it again. That Id never put him through the fear of losing me again.
Dont make her do it, Nash. Tods voice was so soft and deep I had to concentrate to understand what I was hearing. She will if you ask her to, but Im asking you not to make her promise something she cant keep. Thats not a promise any of us could keep. Like it or not, were not going to get our parents back without putting ourselves in danger, and Kaylee knows that. She knew it before any of the rest of us came to that conclusion.
But that wasnt true. Tod had known before Id ever met him. Before Id met Avari or Invidia or Belphegore. Before I even knew I wasnt human. Hed known what you have to be willing to sacrifice for the people you love long before Id truly understood the meaning of the words risk and sacrifice.
Hed known since the moment hed given up his life so Nash could live.
What Kaylee doesnt understand is that shes not alone in this. Tod stepped forward and held his hand out to me, and I reached for it like a plant reaches for the sun. Like I couldnt bloom without him there to shine on me. He pulled me up, then he pulled me close, and when he looked into my eyes, I couldnt look away.
What Kaylee needs to understand is that we all feel just like she does. Like if we make the sacrifice or take the risk, the others wont have to. Ira, Avari, and all the rest of them, they want each of us to believe that because they know well make that sacrifice if we think thats the only way to save the people we love. But its a lie. This is too big for any one of us alone. We can only do this as a teamif we have one anothers backs.
I took her hand and squeezed it, but Nash didnt seem to hear her.
Ive never felt so worthless in my entire life, and every time I try to do something about that, one of you cuts me off at the kneecaps. Im pissed at you all for standing in my way. For letting my mom suffer in the Netherworld when I could be helping get her back. Im pissed at her for going to the Netherworld in the first place. Im pissed at Avari for...relentless existence and nefarious consistency. So Ive made a decision.
Tods pale brow arched high over one blue eye. I think were all listening.
Nash ignored him with obvious effort. You guys have a choice. Either you can include me in all aspects of the planning and execution of any and all rescue efforts or Im going my own way. I still know people, you know, he added, when Tod looked skeptical. No one I really want to see again, now that Im clean, but I can find Mom on my own if I have to.
His eye contact with me was steady and determined. He meant it, and the thought that he might actually rekindle old unhealthy relationships because I wouldnt let him take risks alongside me made me...it made me sick to my stomach with fear for him.
I can get myself to the Netherworld, Nash continued. And I can get both of us back out again. All three of usIm not leaving Brendon there, either. So whats it going to be? Are you going to let me contribute to the group effort, or are you going to shut me out again for my own protection?
Everyone looked at me, not because I was in charge, but because Id messed up, and she who messes up, cleans up.
Im sorry, I said, not just to Nash but to the whole room. Hes right, and Im so sorry, Nash. I never meant to cut you out of...anything. Everything. And I shouldnt have summoned Ira again without telling anyone what I was up to.
Or at all... Em said, and I nodded in acknowledgment, avoiding Tods gaze because I wasnt ready to see whatever I might find in it.
Of course we want you to stay. I did meet Nashs gaze, because I owed him that much, at the very least. And of course youre included in everything. I didnt mean to be taking liberties that arent available to everyone else. I meant to be taking risks. So no one else would have to. I couldnt live with myself if any of you got hurt again. Youve all been through so much because of me. Our parents are still missing because of their connection to me. I just... I was looking for a way to fix that without getting anyone else hurt. Im sorry.
Promise, Nash said, and his voice cracked on that one word. Promise you wont do it again.That you wont put yourself at risk like that again with no one to back you up.
I looked at him.
I looked hard and deep, and he let me see what he was feeling. He let his eyes swirl so I could understand, and guilt overwhelmed me like heat in the middle of a Texas summer. Relentless. Overpowering. Too much to think through.
He was mad about everything hed listed. That was all true. But the truest partthe core of an anger that had many heads, like a hydrawas the thought that I could have died in one horrible moment of my own recklessness. I could have diedagainand hed never know how it happened, or why, or even what happened to my body.
Fear. The root of his anger was fear of losing me, not as his girlfriendthat part of our lives was over, and he loved Sabine; we could all see thatbut as his friend. As his more-than-a-friend. As a confidante. As one of the people whod been with him through life, and death, and addiction, and relapse, and countless moments of imminent threat from untold forms of evil.
And now he wanted to know that Id never do it again. That Id never put him through the fear of losing me again.
Dont make her do it, Nash. Tods voice was so soft and deep I had to concentrate to understand what I was hearing. She will if you ask her to, but Im asking you not to make her promise something she cant keep. Thats not a promise any of us could keep. Like it or not, were not going to get our parents back without putting ourselves in danger, and Kaylee knows that. She knew it before any of the rest of us came to that conclusion.
But that wasnt true. Tod had known before Id ever met him. Before Id met Avari or Invidia or Belphegore. Before I even knew I wasnt human. Hed known what you have to be willing to sacrifice for the people you love long before Id truly understood the meaning of the words risk and sacrifice.
Hed known since the moment hed given up his life so Nash could live.
What Kaylee doesnt understand is that shes not alone in this. Tod stepped forward and held his hand out to me, and I reached for it like a plant reaches for the sun. Like I couldnt bloom without him there to shine on me. He pulled me up, then he pulled me close, and when he looked into my eyes, I couldnt look away.
What Kaylee needs to understand is that we all feel just like she does. Like if we make the sacrifice or take the risk, the others wont have to. Ira, Avari, and all the rest of them, they want each of us to believe that because they know well make that sacrifice if we think thats the only way to save the people we love. But its a lie. This is too big for any one of us alone. We can only do this as a teamif we have one anothers backs.
