With All My Soul
Page 95
Levi? Tods hands tightened around mine. What does he have to do with this?
Hes going to tell you that Im gone
No. No, Kaylee... The pain in his eyes echoed deep inside me, and I had to swallow the lump in my throat to continue.
Hes going to tell you that I came to his office tonightbetween picking up that vial and going out for cherry limeadesand that I asked him to take my soul and turn it in.
Kaylee, no. I wont let him. Hell have to go through me to get to you.
My chest ached like someone was prying my ribs open, one at a time, to get at what was left of my poor, shredded heart. You wont remember this, Tod. I held his gaze. I wouldnt let him look away and deny what I was saying, because this was too important. This part meant everything. You wont remember that hes coming for me, but later, when he tells you that Im gone, youll believe him when he says this was my idea, because subconsciously youll remember me telling you this. Youll know this is truly what I wanted, and youll help the others understand.
No, I wont. Tears stood in his eyes, but he blinked them away, clutching my hand. I cant help them understand what I dont understand. Why are you doing this, Kaylee?
This is the only way. I wiped moisture from my own eyes and sniffed back more tears. Weve tried everything else, and nothing worked. Maybe we could have actually turned the hellions against one another if wed had time, but we dont have time. Avaris going to kill my dad in a matter of hours, and hes not going to stop coming after everyone I love until he has me. Or until theres no possibility of him ever getting me. I squeezed his hand and refused to let myself tear up again. This has to stop. I have to make this stop before someone else gets hurt.
There has to be another way. You promised me, Kay. His anguished, accusing gaze ripped through me with every bit as much force and pain as Becks dagger had. You said forever.
I know. I closed my eyes, fighting for composure, then made myself meet his gaze again. It feels like Ive done nothing but break promises to you lately, and Im so sorry about that, but this one cant be avoided. Im counting on you, Tod. Another sniffle, and I blinked back more moisture from my eyes. My dad and Nash and Em...theyre not going to understand this. I need you to help them. I need you to make them understand that this was my choice, and that I did it to protect them. Dont let them blame themselves. Make sure they understand that Im gone and Im at peace. That the best thing they can possibly do for me is remember me every now and then while they move on with their lives.
Every now and then... Tod shook his head. I cant go five minutes without thinking about you, Kaylee. What makes you think that deatheven true deathwill change that?
His words sent a selfish bolt of joy through me and I buried it before he saw, but I couldnt help being relieved by the thought that he would remember me for at least part of forever.
Besides, your dads not even here. What makes you think Avari will just pat him on the head and send him home when he finds out youre out of reach? Hell still torture your dad. He doesnt need a reason. Hell do it because hes evil.
Im not going to leave him there. I wont leave any of them. That part of my plan is still in progress, but I swear I wont go until my dad, your mom, and Uncle Brendon are back home. That was the hard part. The part I was still figuring out.
How? Did you develop some superpower Im not aware of? His voice was threaded with anger now, and I was almost relieved by that. Anger was much easier to deal with than pain, though there was still plenty of that, too. They wouldnt want you to do this. None of them would.
This isnt about what they want for me. This is about what I want for them. Its already settled. I just need you to truly understand that this is what I want, so youll remember that, even after youve forgotten everything I actually said.
I wont forget. He pulled his hands from mine and stood, feverishly glancing around the room with wide eyes, his forehead furrowed. Ill write it down. Where the hell are my pens and paper?
You dont have any. Which was among the reasons Id never done homework in his room. Tod. Please. I stood and pulled him toward me, and he came reluctantly, the anguished blues in his irises pulsing in time with his heartbeat.
You cant expect me to just accept this, Kaylee. You cant possibly think Im just going to sit here for the next half hour and wait for Levi to come and steal your soul and take you away from me forever.
Fine. I shrugged, hiding my own heartbreak. Dont wait for it. Dont let it happen. Fight him for me, when he comes. I pulled him even closer and stood on my toes to whisper into his ear while my arms slid around his neck. But until then, lets pretend this is actually going to happen. Lets pretend that we dont know how much longer we have until youll fall asleep, and lets pretend I dont want to spend whatever time we have left like this. In anger and denial. Lets pretend we have to say goodbye. My eyes watered, and that time I couldnt stop the tears from falling. How do you want to say goodbye, Tod?
Hes going to tell you that Im gone
No. No, Kaylee... The pain in his eyes echoed deep inside me, and I had to swallow the lump in my throat to continue.
Hes going to tell you that I came to his office tonightbetween picking up that vial and going out for cherry limeadesand that I asked him to take my soul and turn it in.
Kaylee, no. I wont let him. Hell have to go through me to get to you.
My chest ached like someone was prying my ribs open, one at a time, to get at what was left of my poor, shredded heart. You wont remember this, Tod. I held his gaze. I wouldnt let him look away and deny what I was saying, because this was too important. This part meant everything. You wont remember that hes coming for me, but later, when he tells you that Im gone, youll believe him when he says this was my idea, because subconsciously youll remember me telling you this. Youll know this is truly what I wanted, and youll help the others understand.
No, I wont. Tears stood in his eyes, but he blinked them away, clutching my hand. I cant help them understand what I dont understand. Why are you doing this, Kaylee?
This is the only way. I wiped moisture from my own eyes and sniffed back more tears. Weve tried everything else, and nothing worked. Maybe we could have actually turned the hellions against one another if wed had time, but we dont have time. Avaris going to kill my dad in a matter of hours, and hes not going to stop coming after everyone I love until he has me. Or until theres no possibility of him ever getting me. I squeezed his hand and refused to let myself tear up again. This has to stop. I have to make this stop before someone else gets hurt.
There has to be another way. You promised me, Kay. His anguished, accusing gaze ripped through me with every bit as much force and pain as Becks dagger had. You said forever.
I know. I closed my eyes, fighting for composure, then made myself meet his gaze again. It feels like Ive done nothing but break promises to you lately, and Im so sorry about that, but this one cant be avoided. Im counting on you, Tod. Another sniffle, and I blinked back more moisture from my eyes. My dad and Nash and Em...theyre not going to understand this. I need you to help them. I need you to make them understand that this was my choice, and that I did it to protect them. Dont let them blame themselves. Make sure they understand that Im gone and Im at peace. That the best thing they can possibly do for me is remember me every now and then while they move on with their lives.
Every now and then... Tod shook his head. I cant go five minutes without thinking about you, Kaylee. What makes you think that deatheven true deathwill change that?
His words sent a selfish bolt of joy through me and I buried it before he saw, but I couldnt help being relieved by the thought that he would remember me for at least part of forever.
Besides, your dads not even here. What makes you think Avari will just pat him on the head and send him home when he finds out youre out of reach? Hell still torture your dad. He doesnt need a reason. Hell do it because hes evil.
Im not going to leave him there. I wont leave any of them. That part of my plan is still in progress, but I swear I wont go until my dad, your mom, and Uncle Brendon are back home. That was the hard part. The part I was still figuring out.
How? Did you develop some superpower Im not aware of? His voice was threaded with anger now, and I was almost relieved by that. Anger was much easier to deal with than pain, though there was still plenty of that, too. They wouldnt want you to do this. None of them would.
This isnt about what they want for me. This is about what I want for them. Its already settled. I just need you to truly understand that this is what I want, so youll remember that, even after youve forgotten everything I actually said.
I wont forget. He pulled his hands from mine and stood, feverishly glancing around the room with wide eyes, his forehead furrowed. Ill write it down. Where the hell are my pens and paper?
You dont have any. Which was among the reasons Id never done homework in his room. Tod. Please. I stood and pulled him toward me, and he came reluctantly, the anguished blues in his irises pulsing in time with his heartbeat.
You cant expect me to just accept this, Kaylee. You cant possibly think Im just going to sit here for the next half hour and wait for Levi to come and steal your soul and take you away from me forever.
Fine. I shrugged, hiding my own heartbreak. Dont wait for it. Dont let it happen. Fight him for me, when he comes. I pulled him even closer and stood on my toes to whisper into his ear while my arms slid around his neck. But until then, lets pretend this is actually going to happen. Lets pretend that we dont know how much longer we have until youll fall asleep, and lets pretend I dont want to spend whatever time we have left like this. In anger and denial. Lets pretend we have to say goodbye. My eyes watered, and that time I couldnt stop the tears from falling. How do you want to say goodbye, Tod?
