Without You

Page 109

Will used his hand to shut the door. “He ruined what, Lex? Please talk to me, baby. Please tell me what you’re thinking.”
I knew the only way Will would let me go was if I told him he was scaring me. In my heart, I knew Will would never hurt me, but I wasn’t ready to talk about this with him.
I looked him in the eyes. “You’re scaring me.”
Will immediately dropped his hand from the door and took a few steps back. The look in his eyes and on his face gutted me. I never wanted him to think I was afraid of him.
“Lex, I would never…” His eyes began to fill with tears.
I wanted to tell him that I didn’t mean what I’d just said. I went to say something, but he turned and picked up his truck keys. He came back to the door and reached around me to leave the clubhouse. I stood there, not knowing what to do. I’d just hurt the only person I ever loved.
He began walking to his truck.
Say something, Alex.
“Will! Will, please wait,” I said as I began running to him.
He jumped into his truck. “The last thing I’d ever want to do is scare you.”
I shook my head. “No, no, Will. I just didn’t want—”
“I get it, Lex. You need time. I’ll leave you alone for a bit.”
I started crying harder. “Will…I didn’t mean that.”
“I saw it in your eyes.” He threw his truck into drive and started driving off.
I stood there, alone.
I’m all alone.
I don’t like being alone.
“Will…”
“Motherfucker!” I shouted.
Luke and Colt laughed.
Colt said, “Don’t take it out on the fence, dude.”
I threw the fence pullers and cursed again. “Fuck this shit.”
“Y’all want to call it a day? The barn dance is tonight. I’d like to head home to shower and get ready,” Colt said with a smile.
“Why are you so happy?” Luke asked.
Colt shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I just want to dance and have a little bit of fun.”
Luke turned to me. “Have you talked to Alex yet?”
I shook my head.
Colt let out a sigh. “Will, Alex cried her eyes out the other day when she came home. What happened? My parents tried to get her to talk to them, but she wouldn’t.”
“She pushed me away again. I tried to get her to talk to me, and she told me…she told me…” My voice cracked.
Colt and Luke both stood there, waiting for me to finish.
“She told you what?” Luke asked.
I looked down to the ground. “She told me I was scaring her.”
“What?” Colt and Luke both said.
“What in the hell were you doing?” Colt asked.
I looked into his eyes. “I put my hand on the door, so she couldn’t open it and leave. I was asking her to please talk to me, and that was when she…she, um…she said I was scaring her.”
“Will, you need to understand that she probably didn’t mean it like that,” Luke said.
I snapped my head over to look at Luke. “How in the hell could I have misread that? She said I was scaring her, Luke. Her eyes were filled with something I’d never seen before. She was afraid I was going to hurt her. She said that he ruined it. I asked her what she meant, and she just freaked.”
Colt pushed his hands through his hair and then sighed. “She must have been talking about Blake. Do you think maybe she just said you were scaring her because she didn’t want to talk about Blake?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. All I know is, the girl I love is afraid to be touched by me.”
Colt shook his head. “No, Will, I don’t think that’s it. Listen, I went and talked to Janet. I wanted to talk to someone who had been through something like what Alex had. Janet told me she felt dirty for months, like she was unworthy of anyone’s love. Just because Blake didn’t rape Alex doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel the same way. He touched her, and by the comment he made to us…” Colt balled up his fists and took a deep breath. “By the comment he made, I’m going to guess he managed to get his hands down her pants. If he touched her, that could make Alex feel the same way.”
Luke said, “That makes sense, Will. She said he ruined it. You and Lex have only been with each other. You have a perfect and, for lack of a better word, clean relationship. You’ve only been with each other. By another guy touching her, she’s probably worried about how that makes you feel.”