You Say It First
Page 58
She glanced down at her notes. “I have to call everyone. I don’t know if Atsuko ever got going on her costume. I hope so. Oh, you haven’t mailed the dress to Nova yet, have you? Not that she couldn’t bring it back with her. Of course she could. But it would be easier if it never left in the first place.” She started scribbling names. “Okay, Atsuko, Silver, Violet, Wynn. Natalie, because she said she finished the masks. I should probably call Carol, too. She’s always said she’s more than happy to help if I’m in a bind. Oh, and Alan. He’ll want to be here.”
She looked up. “Did I tell you he’s moving to LA? Permanently? He’s met someone, which is just so great.”
She drew in a breath. “I know I’m talking too much but I’m excited. This is the best. Tim’s okay and there’s going to be an alien wedding.” She started to laugh. “And how often does a girl get to say a sentence like that?”
Nick remained silent. He wasn’t excited or pleased or anything she would have expected. Finally she couldn’t stand it anymore. She placed her hands on the desk. “What?”
He looked away, then back at her. “I’ll help with the wedding.”
What? Of course he would help. He’d been a part of this from the beginning. He was—
She realized what was missing from his expression. The humor and affection she’d started taking for granted. The connection they had together. He hadn’t looked happy to see her when she’d run in to tell him the news. He hadn’t pulled her close or kissed her. He hadn’t done anything.
“And then?” she asked, her voice quiet.
“And then we’re done. I can’t be with you anymore. The risk is too high. I’m sorry. I didn’t get the commission. I don’t know if I’m staying in town or not, but either way, we can’t be together.”
She heard the words and knew what he meant. He wasn’t willing to take a chance. Not on them or on her. They were breaking up. They weren’t going to be together, hang out, laugh, make love. He was moving on.
The flash of pain was so hot and so bright she thought it might blind her. He couldn’t do this, couldn’t mean it. She loved him. She needed him and he needed her. They were good together. How could he walk away from that? How could he not know what was happening between them?
Passion consumes. She remembered his words. However foolish she thought them, he believed. She’d fallen in love with him and he was moving on.
She wanted to scream he was wrong. She wanted to beg. She wanted to run. Only she couldn’t. Nova and Joel were depending on her and that mattered more than what was happening with Nick. That mattered more than anything. She forced herself to breathe deeply, then willed herself to be strong.
“Fine,” she said crisply, ignoring the ache in her heart. “If that’s what you want. However, I would appreciate your commitment that you won’t run off right in the middle of things. If I can’t depend on you to be there for the wedding, then tell me now. I’ll find someone else to help. Making everything right for Nova and Joel is my priority. The rest of it can wait.”
“I’ll be there.”
For the wedding. Just not for her.
* * *
CAROL SAT NEXT to Pallas on the sofa. Pallas wrapped her arms around her midsection, as if that would hold in the pain. She’d spent the past fifteen minutes crying and would have sworn there weren’t any tears left, yet more filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks.
Her friend was patient—waiting for her to calm down enough to speak. Carol would wait for as long as necessary. When Pallas had called, asking if she could come over, Carol hadn’t hesitated. Pallas knew she could always depend on her friends. They would be there for her—no matter what. In time, that would be enough—just not today.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice tight and thick with tears. “I’m a mess.”
Carol hugged her. “Don’t you dare apologize. Ever. I’m here for whatever you need. If it’s zebras, you just have to ask.”
The light humor distracted Pallas long enough for her to catch her breath. She had to get control. There was so much work to be done for Nova’s wedding. That was what was important to her. Not Nick and his idiocy. Only telling herself that didn’t help.
“Nick and I broke up,” she managed as she wiped tears from her face.
Carol continued to hold her.
“You’re not surprised?”
“I’m going to be surprised if you tell me he was stupid enough to dump you. Otherwise, I had a feeling the tears were about a man. You’re not usually a crier.”
“I know, right?” Pallas rested her head on Carol’s shoulder. “He broke up with me and I don’t know why.”
Carol swore. “That makes no sense. I’ve seen you together. You’re great and I know he totally adores you. What was he thinking?”
“I have no idea.” She swallowed a sob. “Why do I care so much?”
“You’re in love with him.”
“I know.”
Pallas straightened. Carol shifted back so she could reach the pot of tea she’d brewed, then poured them each a mug.
“Start at the beginning,” her friend told her.
“You mean I was born in the summer of...” Her voice trailed off. “Sorry. I just can’t take it all in.”
She took the offered mug of tea and sipped the warm liquid. The familiar scent of orange and black tea offered a small measure of comfort.
“Nick told me before we got together that he doesn’t believe in relationships. He thinks they cause too much emotional damage.” She made air quotes with one hand. “Passion consumes. It’s his thing. He doesn’t get too close or too involved. He was supposed to be leaving for Dubai, so I knew it wasn’t forever. I told myself that was fine. He and I would have some fun and that was all. But then it became something more—at least for me.”
A wave of pain washed over her. They’d been so good together. How could he not see that?
She wrapped both hands around her mug. “When I was little, I always felt I had to earn attention from my mom. I was never good enough. Love had to be earned and I wasn’t very good at getting it right. I always felt less than. It was different for Cade—he didn’t have the same rules. He didn’t have to try to fit in.”
Carol shook her head. “I’ve seen how your mom acts. I hope you’re not blaming yourself.”
“I’m not. I was the kid—the rules came from her. But recently my grandfather told me some stuff that changes things. He said that my dad was more interested in the bank than his wife. Mom never had his attention, which is really sad. Maybe she was doing the best she could. Maybe she was trying to get me to try harder because she felt she hadn’t tried hard enough. I don’t know.”
She drew in a breath. “Either way, I always figured it was about the rules and how I wasn’t doing well following them. I was always so careful not to expect anything, except with my friends.” She managed a slight smile. “You have always been there for me.”
“I am pretty great,” Carol teased gently.
Pallas smiled. “You are.” Her smile faded. “Then Gerald left me the business. I had no idea he was going to and I was totally freaked because I hadn’t earned it. He just loved me. Then Nick came along and we were so good together. I started to realize my feelings. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to pressure him. I loved him without expecting anything in return. And it felt great. Until he dumped me.”
She looked up. “Did I tell you he’s moving to LA? Permanently? He’s met someone, which is just so great.”
She drew in a breath. “I know I’m talking too much but I’m excited. This is the best. Tim’s okay and there’s going to be an alien wedding.” She started to laugh. “And how often does a girl get to say a sentence like that?”
Nick remained silent. He wasn’t excited or pleased or anything she would have expected. Finally she couldn’t stand it anymore. She placed her hands on the desk. “What?”
He looked away, then back at her. “I’ll help with the wedding.”
What? Of course he would help. He’d been a part of this from the beginning. He was—
She realized what was missing from his expression. The humor and affection she’d started taking for granted. The connection they had together. He hadn’t looked happy to see her when she’d run in to tell him the news. He hadn’t pulled her close or kissed her. He hadn’t done anything.
“And then?” she asked, her voice quiet.
“And then we’re done. I can’t be with you anymore. The risk is too high. I’m sorry. I didn’t get the commission. I don’t know if I’m staying in town or not, but either way, we can’t be together.”
She heard the words and knew what he meant. He wasn’t willing to take a chance. Not on them or on her. They were breaking up. They weren’t going to be together, hang out, laugh, make love. He was moving on.
The flash of pain was so hot and so bright she thought it might blind her. He couldn’t do this, couldn’t mean it. She loved him. She needed him and he needed her. They were good together. How could he walk away from that? How could he not know what was happening between them?
Passion consumes. She remembered his words. However foolish she thought them, he believed. She’d fallen in love with him and he was moving on.
She wanted to scream he was wrong. She wanted to beg. She wanted to run. Only she couldn’t. Nova and Joel were depending on her and that mattered more than what was happening with Nick. That mattered more than anything. She forced herself to breathe deeply, then willed herself to be strong.
“Fine,” she said crisply, ignoring the ache in her heart. “If that’s what you want. However, I would appreciate your commitment that you won’t run off right in the middle of things. If I can’t depend on you to be there for the wedding, then tell me now. I’ll find someone else to help. Making everything right for Nova and Joel is my priority. The rest of it can wait.”
“I’ll be there.”
For the wedding. Just not for her.
* * *
CAROL SAT NEXT to Pallas on the sofa. Pallas wrapped her arms around her midsection, as if that would hold in the pain. She’d spent the past fifteen minutes crying and would have sworn there weren’t any tears left, yet more filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks.
Her friend was patient—waiting for her to calm down enough to speak. Carol would wait for as long as necessary. When Pallas had called, asking if she could come over, Carol hadn’t hesitated. Pallas knew she could always depend on her friends. They would be there for her—no matter what. In time, that would be enough—just not today.
“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice tight and thick with tears. “I’m a mess.”
Carol hugged her. “Don’t you dare apologize. Ever. I’m here for whatever you need. If it’s zebras, you just have to ask.”
The light humor distracted Pallas long enough for her to catch her breath. She had to get control. There was so much work to be done for Nova’s wedding. That was what was important to her. Not Nick and his idiocy. Only telling herself that didn’t help.
“Nick and I broke up,” she managed as she wiped tears from her face.
Carol continued to hold her.
“You’re not surprised?”
“I’m going to be surprised if you tell me he was stupid enough to dump you. Otherwise, I had a feeling the tears were about a man. You’re not usually a crier.”
“I know, right?” Pallas rested her head on Carol’s shoulder. “He broke up with me and I don’t know why.”
Carol swore. “That makes no sense. I’ve seen you together. You’re great and I know he totally adores you. What was he thinking?”
“I have no idea.” She swallowed a sob. “Why do I care so much?”
“You’re in love with him.”
“I know.”
Pallas straightened. Carol shifted back so she could reach the pot of tea she’d brewed, then poured them each a mug.
“Start at the beginning,” her friend told her.
“You mean I was born in the summer of...” Her voice trailed off. “Sorry. I just can’t take it all in.”
She took the offered mug of tea and sipped the warm liquid. The familiar scent of orange and black tea offered a small measure of comfort.
“Nick told me before we got together that he doesn’t believe in relationships. He thinks they cause too much emotional damage.” She made air quotes with one hand. “Passion consumes. It’s his thing. He doesn’t get too close or too involved. He was supposed to be leaving for Dubai, so I knew it wasn’t forever. I told myself that was fine. He and I would have some fun and that was all. But then it became something more—at least for me.”
A wave of pain washed over her. They’d been so good together. How could he not see that?
She wrapped both hands around her mug. “When I was little, I always felt I had to earn attention from my mom. I was never good enough. Love had to be earned and I wasn’t very good at getting it right. I always felt less than. It was different for Cade—he didn’t have the same rules. He didn’t have to try to fit in.”
Carol shook her head. “I’ve seen how your mom acts. I hope you’re not blaming yourself.”
“I’m not. I was the kid—the rules came from her. But recently my grandfather told me some stuff that changes things. He said that my dad was more interested in the bank than his wife. Mom never had his attention, which is really sad. Maybe she was doing the best she could. Maybe she was trying to get me to try harder because she felt she hadn’t tried hard enough. I don’t know.”
She drew in a breath. “Either way, I always figured it was about the rules and how I wasn’t doing well following them. I was always so careful not to expect anything, except with my friends.” She managed a slight smile. “You have always been there for me.”
“I am pretty great,” Carol teased gently.
Pallas smiled. “You are.” Her smile faded. “Then Gerald left me the business. I had no idea he was going to and I was totally freaked because I hadn’t earned it. He just loved me. Then Nick came along and we were so good together. I started to realize my feelings. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to pressure him. I loved him without expecting anything in return. And it felt great. Until he dumped me.”
