A Love Letter to Whiskey
Page 33
“We were both vulnerable, it was a heavy moment. Shit happens.”
“Shit hap—” he didn’t even finish the sentence, just threw his hands up, raking them through his light brown strands before clasping them to rest on his head. He let them fall again, hands hitting his thighs. “What are you even saying right now? Do you hear yourself? Do you see yourself? You’re shaking, B.”
He went to reach for me and I backed away, my lower back hitting the counter. “I see just fine, thank you. Well enough to see that whatever happened the other night clearly didn’t stop you from shacking up with Tina yesterday.” I met his eyes then and watched the argument drain from them.
“What? Tina?”
“It’s fine, Jamie. I saw you two together, but it’s okay. What happened with us… it didn’t mean anything to me either,” I lied. “So we’re cool. Like I said, shit happens.” I kept plating the tacos, done with the conversation, done with him.
“Wow.” Jamie shook his head before sliding closer, invading my space. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but if this is really how you feel, I’m glad your twisted little mind made this shit up to make you feel better about it.”
With that, he pushed off the counter and walked away. I watched every move, every flex of every muscle in his back until he disappeared inside his room, slamming the door behind him.
“Jesus, what’s wrong with him?” Shayla asked.
Ethan looked at me, brows bent, asking me the same question. I just shrugged.
“Guess he doesn’t like tacos.”
Shayla laughed and Ethan offered her a forced smile, but his eyes found mine again and I felt the accusation in that gaze. I ignored it, finishing their tacos and hand delivering them along with two bottles of water. Then, I made my own plate, sat down next to them, and talked campaign plans.
It was almost five when I made my way back to my own dorm, mind heavy with Jamie’s words as I walked. I’d been so set on seeming indifferent to what had happened between us, but now I wasn’t sure that what I’d seen had really been what I thought. But if it wasn’t, then why didn’t he ever text me back? Why didn’t he call? Why didn’t he do something, anything to reassure me that what happened between us had been real?
I’d never been so fucked up mentally in my life. Nothing made sense, and for reasons I couldn’t explain, the first person I wanted to talk to about it was my dad. I wanted a man’s opinion. But as I pulled out my phone and brought up his contact, I paused, heart breaking as I realized he wasn’t a man — not a real one. A real man wouldn’t do what he’d done to my mother. A real man would have owned up to his mistakes, would have asked for forgiveness, would have given the explanation he owed to his daughter.
I felt sick again as I tapped out of my dad’s contact, pulling up Ethan’s, instead. My fingers were typing out the text message excuse about how I didn’t feel well enough to go to the fire pit party when a familiar voice squealed my name. I glanced up, and then I almost dropped my phone. There were two large suitcases propped up next to my dorm room door and a long pair of tan legs I’d know anywhere stood right beside them.
“Surprise, bitch!”
Jenna.
I’D NEVER SIPPED whiskey from a flask so angrily.
Jenna was filling up her cup from the keg, going on about one of her professors whom she swore was hell bent on failing her, and I was trying to get my shit together. My best friend had flown across the country to surprise me and my brain decided to fill itself with Jamie, instead. It was annoying. I didn’t want to think about him, and every time I tried not to, it became more and more impossible to accomplish.
He’d yet to show to the party, and I had a feeling it was because he knew I was here. I’d had no choice but to come, especially after Jenna showed up, but I was still uneasy from what had happened earlier.
I didn’t know what possibility bothered me more — that he would go out somewhere else tonight or stay inside because of me, or that he would show up and I’d have to be around him and Jenna and Ethan all at once.
I took another shot.
“So yeah, I’m pretty sure he wants to bang, but he’s pissed that he wants to bang me so he’s making my life a living hell,” she finished, sucking the froth from her new beer.
“So basically you’re going to have sex with your teacher.”
She shrugged, steering us toward one of the fire pits. “Probably.”
We both laughed, and I tried for the fiftieth time to relax and have fun. Jenna was blown away by the fact that Alder was a wet campus and we could just have a kegger out by the fire pits on the edge of campus. We still had to register it as an event, and there were limitations, but it was pretty awesome. Still, I wasn’t in the mood for beer that night. I needed something stronger.
Hence, the flask.
I tipped it to my lips once more and sucked a breath through my teeth as the whiskey burned its way down. I hadn’t even sprung for a nice bottle, just opted for good ol’ Jack Daniels. One day I swore I’d have an entire cabinet dedicated to high-end whiskey, just so I’d always have some ready for an occasion such as this.
“You’ve been quiet,” Jenna observed. “Everything okay?”
I forced a smile. “Of course. My best friend is here!”
“But?”
Dropping the act, I dropped onto one of the benches by the far fire pit and Jenna took the seat next to me. It was one of the last chilly nights we’d have in San Diego and the fire was a welcome warmth. “I’m so sorry, Jenna. I really am excited you’re here. I’m just…” I debated telling her, spilling everything right then and there. The truth is I wanted to tell someone, but it wasn’t the right time. “Tired. I’ve been helping Ethan with all this campaign stuff and it’s just kind of exhausting.”
“Ah,” Jenna mused, her eyes scanning the gathering crowd until she spotted Ethan. He and Shayla were now camped out at the keg we’d just been at, filling cups and handing them out, clearly not taking the night off like they’d said they would. “Pretty impressive that he’s running for Vice President. He seems like a good guy.”
“He is,” I agreed, my voice like sandpaper rubbing together. Ethan was an incredible guy, and when he found out what I’d done, I’d lose him. My stomach rolled, and I clutched the flask tighter.
“Shit hap—” he didn’t even finish the sentence, just threw his hands up, raking them through his light brown strands before clasping them to rest on his head. He let them fall again, hands hitting his thighs. “What are you even saying right now? Do you hear yourself? Do you see yourself? You’re shaking, B.”
He went to reach for me and I backed away, my lower back hitting the counter. “I see just fine, thank you. Well enough to see that whatever happened the other night clearly didn’t stop you from shacking up with Tina yesterday.” I met his eyes then and watched the argument drain from them.
“What? Tina?”
“It’s fine, Jamie. I saw you two together, but it’s okay. What happened with us… it didn’t mean anything to me either,” I lied. “So we’re cool. Like I said, shit happens.” I kept plating the tacos, done with the conversation, done with him.
“Wow.” Jamie shook his head before sliding closer, invading my space. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but if this is really how you feel, I’m glad your twisted little mind made this shit up to make you feel better about it.”
With that, he pushed off the counter and walked away. I watched every move, every flex of every muscle in his back until he disappeared inside his room, slamming the door behind him.
“Jesus, what’s wrong with him?” Shayla asked.
Ethan looked at me, brows bent, asking me the same question. I just shrugged.
“Guess he doesn’t like tacos.”
Shayla laughed and Ethan offered her a forced smile, but his eyes found mine again and I felt the accusation in that gaze. I ignored it, finishing their tacos and hand delivering them along with two bottles of water. Then, I made my own plate, sat down next to them, and talked campaign plans.
It was almost five when I made my way back to my own dorm, mind heavy with Jamie’s words as I walked. I’d been so set on seeming indifferent to what had happened between us, but now I wasn’t sure that what I’d seen had really been what I thought. But if it wasn’t, then why didn’t he ever text me back? Why didn’t he call? Why didn’t he do something, anything to reassure me that what happened between us had been real?
I’d never been so fucked up mentally in my life. Nothing made sense, and for reasons I couldn’t explain, the first person I wanted to talk to about it was my dad. I wanted a man’s opinion. But as I pulled out my phone and brought up his contact, I paused, heart breaking as I realized he wasn’t a man — not a real one. A real man wouldn’t do what he’d done to my mother. A real man would have owned up to his mistakes, would have asked for forgiveness, would have given the explanation he owed to his daughter.
I felt sick again as I tapped out of my dad’s contact, pulling up Ethan’s, instead. My fingers were typing out the text message excuse about how I didn’t feel well enough to go to the fire pit party when a familiar voice squealed my name. I glanced up, and then I almost dropped my phone. There were two large suitcases propped up next to my dorm room door and a long pair of tan legs I’d know anywhere stood right beside them.
“Surprise, bitch!”
Jenna.
I’D NEVER SIPPED whiskey from a flask so angrily.
Jenna was filling up her cup from the keg, going on about one of her professors whom she swore was hell bent on failing her, and I was trying to get my shit together. My best friend had flown across the country to surprise me and my brain decided to fill itself with Jamie, instead. It was annoying. I didn’t want to think about him, and every time I tried not to, it became more and more impossible to accomplish.
He’d yet to show to the party, and I had a feeling it was because he knew I was here. I’d had no choice but to come, especially after Jenna showed up, but I was still uneasy from what had happened earlier.
I didn’t know what possibility bothered me more — that he would go out somewhere else tonight or stay inside because of me, or that he would show up and I’d have to be around him and Jenna and Ethan all at once.
I took another shot.
“So yeah, I’m pretty sure he wants to bang, but he’s pissed that he wants to bang me so he’s making my life a living hell,” she finished, sucking the froth from her new beer.
“So basically you’re going to have sex with your teacher.”
She shrugged, steering us toward one of the fire pits. “Probably.”
We both laughed, and I tried for the fiftieth time to relax and have fun. Jenna was blown away by the fact that Alder was a wet campus and we could just have a kegger out by the fire pits on the edge of campus. We still had to register it as an event, and there were limitations, but it was pretty awesome. Still, I wasn’t in the mood for beer that night. I needed something stronger.
Hence, the flask.
I tipped it to my lips once more and sucked a breath through my teeth as the whiskey burned its way down. I hadn’t even sprung for a nice bottle, just opted for good ol’ Jack Daniels. One day I swore I’d have an entire cabinet dedicated to high-end whiskey, just so I’d always have some ready for an occasion such as this.
“You’ve been quiet,” Jenna observed. “Everything okay?”
I forced a smile. “Of course. My best friend is here!”
“But?”
Dropping the act, I dropped onto one of the benches by the far fire pit and Jenna took the seat next to me. It was one of the last chilly nights we’d have in San Diego and the fire was a welcome warmth. “I’m so sorry, Jenna. I really am excited you’re here. I’m just…” I debated telling her, spilling everything right then and there. The truth is I wanted to tell someone, but it wasn’t the right time. “Tired. I’ve been helping Ethan with all this campaign stuff and it’s just kind of exhausting.”
“Ah,” Jenna mused, her eyes scanning the gathering crowd until she spotted Ethan. He and Shayla were now camped out at the keg we’d just been at, filling cups and handing them out, clearly not taking the night off like they’d said they would. “Pretty impressive that he’s running for Vice President. He seems like a good guy.”
“He is,” I agreed, my voice like sandpaper rubbing together. Ethan was an incredible guy, and when he found out what I’d done, I’d lose him. My stomach rolled, and I clutched the flask tighter.
