All for This
Page 53
I stiffen. I’ve known since the beginning of this conversation that something was coming. “Hanna?”
She nods. “I didn’t want you getting hurt. I’d never seen you like this. I was afraid she was just some money-grubbing, celebrity-chasing…”
When Viv’s eyes meet mine, I can see I don’t have to explain. She knows now that Hanna isn’t any of those things. “What did you do?”
“I went to New Hope and informed her I was still in love with you.”
“So I hear.”
She chews on her bottom lip and shakes her head. “I told her she was standing in the way of a family. That if she would move aside, you would finally have the thing you want most. What you need most.”
“When?” My voice is hard.
Her face crumbles and she shakes her head. “I’m so sorry, Nate. I didn’t realize how good she is or how very much you love her.”
“When was this, Viv?”
She shrugs. “Back in August. Before I met you in London.”
Before the accident. Before she put on Max’s ring. Before I f**ked up.
“Fuck,” I mutter, dragging a hand through my hair. No wonder.
“She’s lucky,” she says to her wine. “I would have killed to have you look at me just once the way you look at her.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt? Years ago, before your marriage, before Hanna?” I wait for her to look at me, but she stays focused on her wine, looking for all the answers there.
“I thought you didn’t love me. I thought the problem was me, so I pushed you away. You don’t let people in. You know that? You and Janelle are so close, but you shut the rest of the world out. When I realized it wasn’t just me, I thought it was too late.”
“I never meant to shut you out.”
“You changed last summer. You smiled more. You’d been living like a zombie for years and suddenly you were awake. You were happier, and I thought we could make it work.” Finally, she brings her eyes to mine. “By the time I realized she was the reason, it was too late. Sure, I was still married, but mentally, I’d moved on with you.”
“Dammit, Viv. I never meant for you to dissolve your marriage for me.”
“I had to. If I was willing to leave him for you, I shouldn’t have been with him at all.” She takes a sip of her wine, and her sip turns to a long drink until the glass is nearly empty.
“Tell me what I can do.”
“Give me physical custody of Collin,” I reply without hesitation. “Let me take him to New Hope to live with me.”
She draws in a shaky breath. “I won’t have half the country between me and my son.”
“Don’t make me fight you, Viv. I’ve learned the hard way I need to fight for what I want—for who I love.”
“THE GOOD news,” Nix says as she scans the monitors beside the bed, “is that the medicine made the contractions stop.”
I stare at the monitors, unsure what they all mean but too scared that, if I look away, they’ll stop their beeping and wiggling and something terrible will happen to my babies.
“What’s the bad news?” I whisper.
Liz squeezes my hand.
When I called Nix, she told me to have Nate drive me to Labor and Delivery. I called Liz and had her bring me. I don’t think she’s taken a full breath since we arrived. She’s not the only one.
“The bad news,” Nix says, “is that you’re a centimeter dilated and you’re looking at bed rest for the remainder of your pregnancy.”
I dare to take my eyes off the monitors to look at Nix. “Bed rest? That’s it?”
Nix sighs. “Well, this will all be up to your perinatologist, so it’s just speculation on my part, but I imagine they’ll keep you here to monitor you for a couple of days. If the medicine appears to be working and keeping your contractions at bay, they’ll continue with it, put you on strict bed rest, and keep a careful eye on you. We want those babies to stay in there as long as they can.”
The room is tense with the words she’s not saying: the prognosis for twins born at twenty weeks’ gestation is not a good one.
Liz looks like she might lose it and start crying any minute. “Do you think this is because of her fall?”
“I don’t know,” Nix says. “But that’s highly unlikely. If that fall was going to create a problem, I imagine we would have seen it early on. Or we would have never known about the pregnancy.”
My eyes are back on the monitors, but I feel Nix’s hand on my shoulder.
“Try not to worry too much about why. Just rest. And get a hold of Nate. He’ll want to know.”
She shuts off the lights on her way out and leaves Liz and me in the glow of the light trickling in from the bathroom.
“Do you want me to call him?” Liz asks.
I shake my head, but I don’t mean no. I just mean that I don’t know. He’s in California to spend Christmas with Collin, and I don’t want to ruin that.
“He’s upset with me,” I finally admit. “I told him I thought Vivian pushed me down the stairs. And he told me she couldn’t have because she was in London.” I swallow. “In bed with him.”
Liz gasps and chokes a little, and when I turn my head to look at her, her face is red and splotchy and she’s crying.
“It’s okay,” I say. “I don’t blame him.”
She nods. “I didn’t want you getting hurt. I’d never seen you like this. I was afraid she was just some money-grubbing, celebrity-chasing…”
When Viv’s eyes meet mine, I can see I don’t have to explain. She knows now that Hanna isn’t any of those things. “What did you do?”
“I went to New Hope and informed her I was still in love with you.”
“So I hear.”
She chews on her bottom lip and shakes her head. “I told her she was standing in the way of a family. That if she would move aside, you would finally have the thing you want most. What you need most.”
“When?” My voice is hard.
Her face crumbles and she shakes her head. “I’m so sorry, Nate. I didn’t realize how good she is or how very much you love her.”
“When was this, Viv?”
She shrugs. “Back in August. Before I met you in London.”
Before the accident. Before she put on Max’s ring. Before I f**ked up.
“Fuck,” I mutter, dragging a hand through my hair. No wonder.
“She’s lucky,” she says to her wine. “I would have killed to have you look at me just once the way you look at her.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt? Years ago, before your marriage, before Hanna?” I wait for her to look at me, but she stays focused on her wine, looking for all the answers there.
“I thought you didn’t love me. I thought the problem was me, so I pushed you away. You don’t let people in. You know that? You and Janelle are so close, but you shut the rest of the world out. When I realized it wasn’t just me, I thought it was too late.”
“I never meant to shut you out.”
“You changed last summer. You smiled more. You’d been living like a zombie for years and suddenly you were awake. You were happier, and I thought we could make it work.” Finally, she brings her eyes to mine. “By the time I realized she was the reason, it was too late. Sure, I was still married, but mentally, I’d moved on with you.”
“Dammit, Viv. I never meant for you to dissolve your marriage for me.”
“I had to. If I was willing to leave him for you, I shouldn’t have been with him at all.” She takes a sip of her wine, and her sip turns to a long drink until the glass is nearly empty.
“Tell me what I can do.”
“Give me physical custody of Collin,” I reply without hesitation. “Let me take him to New Hope to live with me.”
She draws in a shaky breath. “I won’t have half the country between me and my son.”
“Don’t make me fight you, Viv. I’ve learned the hard way I need to fight for what I want—for who I love.”
“THE GOOD news,” Nix says as she scans the monitors beside the bed, “is that the medicine made the contractions stop.”
I stare at the monitors, unsure what they all mean but too scared that, if I look away, they’ll stop their beeping and wiggling and something terrible will happen to my babies.
“What’s the bad news?” I whisper.
Liz squeezes my hand.
When I called Nix, she told me to have Nate drive me to Labor and Delivery. I called Liz and had her bring me. I don’t think she’s taken a full breath since we arrived. She’s not the only one.
“The bad news,” Nix says, “is that you’re a centimeter dilated and you’re looking at bed rest for the remainder of your pregnancy.”
I dare to take my eyes off the monitors to look at Nix. “Bed rest? That’s it?”
Nix sighs. “Well, this will all be up to your perinatologist, so it’s just speculation on my part, but I imagine they’ll keep you here to monitor you for a couple of days. If the medicine appears to be working and keeping your contractions at bay, they’ll continue with it, put you on strict bed rest, and keep a careful eye on you. We want those babies to stay in there as long as they can.”
The room is tense with the words she’s not saying: the prognosis for twins born at twenty weeks’ gestation is not a good one.
Liz looks like she might lose it and start crying any minute. “Do you think this is because of her fall?”
“I don’t know,” Nix says. “But that’s highly unlikely. If that fall was going to create a problem, I imagine we would have seen it early on. Or we would have never known about the pregnancy.”
My eyes are back on the monitors, but I feel Nix’s hand on my shoulder.
“Try not to worry too much about why. Just rest. And get a hold of Nate. He’ll want to know.”
She shuts off the lights on her way out and leaves Liz and me in the glow of the light trickling in from the bathroom.
“Do you want me to call him?” Liz asks.
I shake my head, but I don’t mean no. I just mean that I don’t know. He’s in California to spend Christmas with Collin, and I don’t want to ruin that.
“He’s upset with me,” I finally admit. “I told him I thought Vivian pushed me down the stairs. And he told me she couldn’t have because she was in London.” I swallow. “In bed with him.”
Liz gasps and chokes a little, and when I turn my head to look at her, her face is red and splotchy and she’s crying.
“It’s okay,” I say. “I don’t blame him.”
