All I Want
Page 54
My phone rings in my hand as I inch out of my parking space, startling me. I slam my foot on the brake and watch Mia’s name flash across the screen.
“Hey,” I answer, easing on the gas and pulling out of the parking lot.
She sniffs into the phone. “Oh, God. Are you okay? You sound okay. Are you in shock right now? Do you need me to come over?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I ask, switching to speaker-phone so I can concentrate on the road in front of me. “Are you in the middle of some pregnancy hormone overload or something?”
I hear commotion in the background, recognizing Nolan’s voice. “Nolan, not right now. In a minute, baby.” A door closes, followed by a few more sniffles from Mia. “God, sweetie, I can be over there in five minutes if you need me to. Your mom might be able to watch Nolan for me today and we can just hang out. I’m sure she won’t mind.”
I’m thoroughly confused, glancing down at the phone in my cup holder with what I’m certain is my most baffled expression. “You’ve lost me, Mia. Am I supposed to be upset about something?”
“How are you so strong right now? I’ve been crying all morning, just thinking about what this is probably doing to you. I know you love him, Tessa. Everybody does. Why are you okay with this?”
The strangest feeling washes over me, stealing my breath, and I wrap my hands around the wheel until my palms ache. “Mia?” I whisper, hearing the sheer terror coat my throat, thickening my voice until I’m practically choking on that single word.
“Oh, God,” she pleads, gasping through the phone. “You don’t know, do you?”
Several things happen at once as I concentrate on continuing to breathe. Mia’s voice becomes distant, unrecognizable, as I let the car come to a complete stop in the middle of the road. Drivers blare their horns as they speed by me, but I’m numb, too numb to care, or move, or do anything besides listen to my lungs struggle for air. A quick gasp, followed by another. Not enough air. Another breath in, deeper this time, but still not enough. White spots blur my vision, and the sweat beads up on my body, pooling between my breasts. Mia’s words circle over and over again, in my head.
He said he did it for you. He doesn’t want to hurt you anymore.
My nails claw at the material of my shirt, then up around my neck, gripping, digging into my skin. I gag on a breath and my stomach rolls, lurching me forward against the wheel. I barely get the door open before the bile rises in my throat, burning my esophagus like acid on concrete.
Vomit splatters on the asphalt as I hold onto the door, using all the strength I have left in me to keep myself in the car. My body shakes with another violent spasm, ejecting the contents of my stomach. I wipe the back of my hand along my mouth when I think it’s over, settling back into my seat and pulling the door closed.
The loss sinks in, settling deep inside my soul. Rooting itself there like a splinter.
Luke left me. He left. How could he…
No. I refuse to accept this. This isn’t how today was supposed to play out. This isn’t how my life is supposed to go. He’s mine, and I’m his, and it’s enough. What he can give me is enough. This shit isn’t over. It’ll never be over.
“Tessa? Tessa, are you there?”
I look down at the phone, hearing Mia’s voice as clear as if she were sitting right here next to me.
The driver behind me lays on his horn, his voice getting drowned out by the blaring noise. As soon as I hear him yell the word “bitch” in between two long beeps, I react.
I roll my window down, stick my head out, and glare back in his direction. “Hey, douchebag! Pull the dildo out of your ass, and go the fuck around me!”
“Move your car!”
“Suck my dick!”
“What is going on?” Mia asks through the phone I’ve neglected.
I flip the limp-dick off as he pulls around me, making sure everyone on this Goddamned street sees it, in case anyone else wants to ask me so politely to move before I’m ready.
“Tessa?”
“Nothing,” I choke out, a whimper catching in my throat. I grab a day-old water bottle off the floor behind the passenger seat and take a swig, spitting it out my window after washing my mouth.
“Do you need me to come get you? Or meet you somewhere?”
I step my foot onto the gas pedal and continue moving in the original direction I was headed. “No. Is Ben at the precinct? I need to find out where Luke is.”
“Yeah, last time I checked.”
“All right. I gotta go.”
“Tessa, wait,” Mia pleads, her voice wavering a bit. “I don’t think he wants you to find him.”
I grip the wheel harder, digging my teeth into my lip until I taste blood.
“I’m sorry,” she says softly. “I’m so sorry.”
I disconnect the call before she can hear my sobs.
***
Speeding into the parking lot of the police precinct probably isn’t the best idea I’ve ever had, but right now, a ticket is the last thing on my mind.
I spot Ben immediately, standing at his patrol car near the far end of the lot.
“Where is he?” I ask, throwing the door open before the car comes to a complete stop. Ben looks up, turning his body toward me, and takes a few steps in my direction with wide eyes. I slam the door shut, blinking the tears out of my eyes before I move to get to my brother.
“Where. Is. He?” I repeat.
Ben shakes his head, looking at me with concern. There’s a deep crease in his forehead, and he has heavy, worry-filled eyes. “He’s gone, Tessa. He took another job.”
I jab a finger into the center of his chest. “I know that. What I’m asking you is where the fuck did he go?” Looking up into Ben’s eyes, I see the sadness there hidden behind his tough exterior, as he wraps his big hand around my wrist, holding me ever so gently.
He shakes his head, and his lips part slightly to speak, but he doesn’t give me any words.
“You’re going to tell me where he is, right now. Right fucking now, Ben!”
“No, I’m not.”
His defiance knocks the wind out of me.
He knows. He knows, and he isn’t going to tell me? How could he keep this from me?
I resort to begging. I’ll do anything at this point.
“Ben,” I faintly whisper, as my heart struggles to keep beating. “Please. Please just tell me where he is. I can’t… I love him. Please.” I cry harder, fisting his shirt. “Please.”
His eyes fall into a heavy blink, but the accustomed shake of his head comes again before the grayest eyes I’ve ever seen regard me. “He’s gone. I’m sorry, Tessa. I know this hurts, but he doesn’t want you to come after him.”
I no longer have any strength left in me to keep my head raised, so I drop it against his chest with a heavy thud. His arms wrap around me in an embrace, but I don’t feel the comfort he’s trying to give me.
I don’t feel anything.
The tears roll down my cheeks, wetting my neck, a continual stream of agony leaving my body.
“I’ll wait for him,” I say to myself, to Ben, to Luke, if there’s some chance he can hear me. I press the side of my face against Ben’s uniform. “You said you’d wait for Mia. You said you’d still be waiting. I can do that. I can wait. He’ll come back. He has to come back.”
“Hey,” I answer, easing on the gas and pulling out of the parking lot.
She sniffs into the phone. “Oh, God. Are you okay? You sound okay. Are you in shock right now? Do you need me to come over?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” I ask, switching to speaker-phone so I can concentrate on the road in front of me. “Are you in the middle of some pregnancy hormone overload or something?”
I hear commotion in the background, recognizing Nolan’s voice. “Nolan, not right now. In a minute, baby.” A door closes, followed by a few more sniffles from Mia. “God, sweetie, I can be over there in five minutes if you need me to. Your mom might be able to watch Nolan for me today and we can just hang out. I’m sure she won’t mind.”
I’m thoroughly confused, glancing down at the phone in my cup holder with what I’m certain is my most baffled expression. “You’ve lost me, Mia. Am I supposed to be upset about something?”
“How are you so strong right now? I’ve been crying all morning, just thinking about what this is probably doing to you. I know you love him, Tessa. Everybody does. Why are you okay with this?”
The strangest feeling washes over me, stealing my breath, and I wrap my hands around the wheel until my palms ache. “Mia?” I whisper, hearing the sheer terror coat my throat, thickening my voice until I’m practically choking on that single word.
“Oh, God,” she pleads, gasping through the phone. “You don’t know, do you?”
Several things happen at once as I concentrate on continuing to breathe. Mia’s voice becomes distant, unrecognizable, as I let the car come to a complete stop in the middle of the road. Drivers blare their horns as they speed by me, but I’m numb, too numb to care, or move, or do anything besides listen to my lungs struggle for air. A quick gasp, followed by another. Not enough air. Another breath in, deeper this time, but still not enough. White spots blur my vision, and the sweat beads up on my body, pooling between my breasts. Mia’s words circle over and over again, in my head.
He said he did it for you. He doesn’t want to hurt you anymore.
My nails claw at the material of my shirt, then up around my neck, gripping, digging into my skin. I gag on a breath and my stomach rolls, lurching me forward against the wheel. I barely get the door open before the bile rises in my throat, burning my esophagus like acid on concrete.
Vomit splatters on the asphalt as I hold onto the door, using all the strength I have left in me to keep myself in the car. My body shakes with another violent spasm, ejecting the contents of my stomach. I wipe the back of my hand along my mouth when I think it’s over, settling back into my seat and pulling the door closed.
The loss sinks in, settling deep inside my soul. Rooting itself there like a splinter.
Luke left me. He left. How could he…
No. I refuse to accept this. This isn’t how today was supposed to play out. This isn’t how my life is supposed to go. He’s mine, and I’m his, and it’s enough. What he can give me is enough. This shit isn’t over. It’ll never be over.
“Tessa? Tessa, are you there?”
I look down at the phone, hearing Mia’s voice as clear as if she were sitting right here next to me.
The driver behind me lays on his horn, his voice getting drowned out by the blaring noise. As soon as I hear him yell the word “bitch” in between two long beeps, I react.
I roll my window down, stick my head out, and glare back in his direction. “Hey, douchebag! Pull the dildo out of your ass, and go the fuck around me!”
“Move your car!”
“Suck my dick!”
“What is going on?” Mia asks through the phone I’ve neglected.
I flip the limp-dick off as he pulls around me, making sure everyone on this Goddamned street sees it, in case anyone else wants to ask me so politely to move before I’m ready.
“Tessa?”
“Nothing,” I choke out, a whimper catching in my throat. I grab a day-old water bottle off the floor behind the passenger seat and take a swig, spitting it out my window after washing my mouth.
“Do you need me to come get you? Or meet you somewhere?”
I step my foot onto the gas pedal and continue moving in the original direction I was headed. “No. Is Ben at the precinct? I need to find out where Luke is.”
“Yeah, last time I checked.”
“All right. I gotta go.”
“Tessa, wait,” Mia pleads, her voice wavering a bit. “I don’t think he wants you to find him.”
I grip the wheel harder, digging my teeth into my lip until I taste blood.
“I’m sorry,” she says softly. “I’m so sorry.”
I disconnect the call before she can hear my sobs.
***
Speeding into the parking lot of the police precinct probably isn’t the best idea I’ve ever had, but right now, a ticket is the last thing on my mind.
I spot Ben immediately, standing at his patrol car near the far end of the lot.
“Where is he?” I ask, throwing the door open before the car comes to a complete stop. Ben looks up, turning his body toward me, and takes a few steps in my direction with wide eyes. I slam the door shut, blinking the tears out of my eyes before I move to get to my brother.
“Where. Is. He?” I repeat.
Ben shakes his head, looking at me with concern. There’s a deep crease in his forehead, and he has heavy, worry-filled eyes. “He’s gone, Tessa. He took another job.”
I jab a finger into the center of his chest. “I know that. What I’m asking you is where the fuck did he go?” Looking up into Ben’s eyes, I see the sadness there hidden behind his tough exterior, as he wraps his big hand around my wrist, holding me ever so gently.
He shakes his head, and his lips part slightly to speak, but he doesn’t give me any words.
“You’re going to tell me where he is, right now. Right fucking now, Ben!”
“No, I’m not.”
His defiance knocks the wind out of me.
He knows. He knows, and he isn’t going to tell me? How could he keep this from me?
I resort to begging. I’ll do anything at this point.
“Ben,” I faintly whisper, as my heart struggles to keep beating. “Please. Please just tell me where he is. I can’t… I love him. Please.” I cry harder, fisting his shirt. “Please.”
His eyes fall into a heavy blink, but the accustomed shake of his head comes again before the grayest eyes I’ve ever seen regard me. “He’s gone. I’m sorry, Tessa. I know this hurts, but he doesn’t want you to come after him.”
I no longer have any strength left in me to keep my head raised, so I drop it against his chest with a heavy thud. His arms wrap around me in an embrace, but I don’t feel the comfort he’s trying to give me.
I don’t feel anything.
The tears roll down my cheeks, wetting my neck, a continual stream of agony leaving my body.
“I’ll wait for him,” I say to myself, to Ben, to Luke, if there’s some chance he can hear me. I press the side of my face against Ben’s uniform. “You said you’d wait for Mia. You said you’d still be waiting. I can do that. I can wait. He’ll come back. He has to come back.”
