All the Little Lights
Page 45
“Yeah?” Madison said, batting her long lashes.
I covered my eyes with my hand and groaned. “It’s also Elliott’s birthday. I’m awful. No wonder he was so hurt.”
“You’re right! You have to go. You have to.”
I nodded.
“You’re in the wrong seat,” Minka barked.
Madison looked up, instantly annoyed. “Are you a toddler? You can’t wait five seconds while I finish my conversation with my friend?”
Minka’s eyes targeted me. “Your friend?” she said, unconvinced.
Madison stood up, meeting Minka’s gaze. “What of it?”
Minka sat, giving me one last glance before cowering in her seat. I wanted to high-five Madison but settled for an appreciative grin. She winked at me and then walked to her desk in the back.
“Please turn your textbooks to page one seventy-three,” Mr. Simons said. “The study guide will be online tonight, and the test is Friday. Don’t forget the paper on disuse muscle atrophy is due Monday.”
Besides the paper for Mr. Simons, I had homework in three other classes, plus work at the Juniper and the game. I wasn’t sure I could fit it all in, but Elliott needed me.
I turned to Madison, waiting until she looked at me, to give her a thumbs-up and mouth, I’m in. She clapped her hands together a few times without sound, and I turned around, smiling. It would be a delicate balance, having friends and keeping the Juniper private, but for the first time, I felt it was possible.
Chapter Eighteen
Elliott
The brakes of the Chrysler whined as it came to a stop in front of the Calhoun mansion. Catherine was sitting next to me on the bench seat, seeming content with her hand in mine. Most teenagers felt stress their senior year, but for college applications, SAT scores, and ordering caps and gowns on time. Catherine was trapped deep inside something darker. All I wanted to do was save her or even just make it easier somehow—more bearable—but she wouldn’t let me in. She’d been handling it all on her own for so long, I wasn’t sure she knew how to let someone else help.
But I had to try.
“I’m going to warn you now. This weekend is driving practice number two,” I said, squeezing her hand.
The beginnings of a smile turned her mouth upward. “Really?”
“You’re turning eighteen in a few months, and you’ve only driven once.”
Catherine peered over at Mr. Calhoun’s Buick. It had sat next to the house in the same spot since the day I’d left—the day Mr. Calhoun was taken away in an ambulance and never came home. Grass had grown up around his car and died away for two summers, and two of the tires were flat.
“I don’t know why you’re so adamant for me to drive. I don’t have a car,” Catherine said.
“I was thinking more about taking turns driving when we start traveling. We only need one car for that.”
“Traveling?”
“After graduation. Remember? We talked about it before your first driving lesson. I thought we’d agreed? That it was set in stone?” It bothered me that she had to ask.
“I know, but you’re probably going to college, and I haven’t seen you with your camera in a long time.”
I gestured to the back, and she turned, seeing my camera bag on the seat.
“You’re still taking pictures?” she asked.
“Tons.”
“So you’re like a ninja paparazzi? That’s kind of creepy.”
“I photograph more things than just you,” I said with a smirk.
“Like what?”
“Football practice, the guys on the athletics bus, leaves, trees, insects, empty benches, my aunt cooking . . . whatever catches my eye.”
“Good to know I’m not the only one you stalk.”
“You’re still my favorite subject.”
“Maybe you can take photography in college? Not that you’re not already good, but if you love it so much, you should.”
The smile that was on my face melted away. I wasn’t sure if I was going to college or not. “Coach said some scouts will be at the Yukon game. The entire team is pissed at me for leaving. It’s going to get dirty. Of all games for the scouts to watch.”
“I told Maddy I’d ride with her.”
I checked for some sign that she was joking. “Are you messing with me?”
“No! I wouldn’t do that.”
A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Catherine couldn’t do anything about the hell they’d inevitably put me through on the field, but knowing she was out there cheering me on would help me fight through it. “You’re really going to ride with Maddy? Do you know my aunt and uncle can’t go?”
“Maddy mentioned it.”
“So you’re going.”
“It’s your birthday. I’m going.”
A wide grin stretched across my face. “You remembered that?”
“You’re a Scorpio. I’m an Aquarius. It means we’re terrible for each other. I’m sure I memorized that entire summer, but especially that.”
I stared at her in awe, shaking my head and then cupping her face, planting a soft kiss on her lips. I leaned forward, touching her forehead to mine. She had to love me. She had to. I closed my eyes. “Promise me something.”
“What?” she asked.
“Please let this be something that lasts. Not like our parents. Not something trivial. I don’t want to be the high school boyfriend you tell your friends about when you’re an adult.”
“You give me too much credit, assuming I’ll have friends.”
“You’ll have friends. Lots of friends. People who adore you like I do.”
She lifted her chin and rose up on the balls of her feet to kiss me one last time before she pulled on the handle. It stuck, so I reached across and pushed on it hard enough that it opened.
I gently held her arm, stopping her before she stepped out onto the curb. The Chrysler was our space, a place where outside forces couldn’t touch. I felt more connected with her there and brave enough to tell her whatever was on my mind. “I love you, Catherine.”
Her eyes sparkled. “I love you, too.”
The door closed, and I watched her walk through the gate and up the steps. She paused before going in, turning to wave at me.
Chapter Nineteen
Catherine
I stood on the porch and waved to Elliott. It wasn’t yet four o’clock, but already the sun was low in the sky. I didn’t want to go in, so I waved at him for too long. I didn’t want him to worry more than he already was, but there I stood, blatantly delaying the moment of walking into the Juniper.
The days were shorter, and dark things happened at the Juniper at night. The guests were up more, walking the halls, unable to sleep, whispering to one another about plans to keep the bed and breakfast going, to keep me there. As the days passed, they were only more restless, worried about the Juniper’s future and worried what would happen if I tried to leave.
I watched Elliott wave back at me, waiting until I was safely inside, because he didn’t know my frightening reality. If I told him what I’d gone through and was going through now, he would believe me. If I told him, he would keep me safe, but I wasn’t sure I could do the same for him. The truth would only trap him like it had me. He couldn’t tell; he couldn’t fight it. He would be reduced to watching helplessly on the sidelines, just as he was doing now. Telling him would change nothing.
I covered my eyes with my hand and groaned. “It’s also Elliott’s birthday. I’m awful. No wonder he was so hurt.”
“You’re right! You have to go. You have to.”
I nodded.
“You’re in the wrong seat,” Minka barked.
Madison looked up, instantly annoyed. “Are you a toddler? You can’t wait five seconds while I finish my conversation with my friend?”
Minka’s eyes targeted me. “Your friend?” she said, unconvinced.
Madison stood up, meeting Minka’s gaze. “What of it?”
Minka sat, giving me one last glance before cowering in her seat. I wanted to high-five Madison but settled for an appreciative grin. She winked at me and then walked to her desk in the back.
“Please turn your textbooks to page one seventy-three,” Mr. Simons said. “The study guide will be online tonight, and the test is Friday. Don’t forget the paper on disuse muscle atrophy is due Monday.”
Besides the paper for Mr. Simons, I had homework in three other classes, plus work at the Juniper and the game. I wasn’t sure I could fit it all in, but Elliott needed me.
I turned to Madison, waiting until she looked at me, to give her a thumbs-up and mouth, I’m in. She clapped her hands together a few times without sound, and I turned around, smiling. It would be a delicate balance, having friends and keeping the Juniper private, but for the first time, I felt it was possible.
Chapter Eighteen
Elliott
The brakes of the Chrysler whined as it came to a stop in front of the Calhoun mansion. Catherine was sitting next to me on the bench seat, seeming content with her hand in mine. Most teenagers felt stress their senior year, but for college applications, SAT scores, and ordering caps and gowns on time. Catherine was trapped deep inside something darker. All I wanted to do was save her or even just make it easier somehow—more bearable—but she wouldn’t let me in. She’d been handling it all on her own for so long, I wasn’t sure she knew how to let someone else help.
But I had to try.
“I’m going to warn you now. This weekend is driving practice number two,” I said, squeezing her hand.
The beginnings of a smile turned her mouth upward. “Really?”
“You’re turning eighteen in a few months, and you’ve only driven once.”
Catherine peered over at Mr. Calhoun’s Buick. It had sat next to the house in the same spot since the day I’d left—the day Mr. Calhoun was taken away in an ambulance and never came home. Grass had grown up around his car and died away for two summers, and two of the tires were flat.
“I don’t know why you’re so adamant for me to drive. I don’t have a car,” Catherine said.
“I was thinking more about taking turns driving when we start traveling. We only need one car for that.”
“Traveling?”
“After graduation. Remember? We talked about it before your first driving lesson. I thought we’d agreed? That it was set in stone?” It bothered me that she had to ask.
“I know, but you’re probably going to college, and I haven’t seen you with your camera in a long time.”
I gestured to the back, and she turned, seeing my camera bag on the seat.
“You’re still taking pictures?” she asked.
“Tons.”
“So you’re like a ninja paparazzi? That’s kind of creepy.”
“I photograph more things than just you,” I said with a smirk.
“Like what?”
“Football practice, the guys on the athletics bus, leaves, trees, insects, empty benches, my aunt cooking . . . whatever catches my eye.”
“Good to know I’m not the only one you stalk.”
“You’re still my favorite subject.”
“Maybe you can take photography in college? Not that you’re not already good, but if you love it so much, you should.”
The smile that was on my face melted away. I wasn’t sure if I was going to college or not. “Coach said some scouts will be at the Yukon game. The entire team is pissed at me for leaving. It’s going to get dirty. Of all games for the scouts to watch.”
“I told Maddy I’d ride with her.”
I checked for some sign that she was joking. “Are you messing with me?”
“No! I wouldn’t do that.”
A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Catherine couldn’t do anything about the hell they’d inevitably put me through on the field, but knowing she was out there cheering me on would help me fight through it. “You’re really going to ride with Maddy? Do you know my aunt and uncle can’t go?”
“Maddy mentioned it.”
“So you’re going.”
“It’s your birthday. I’m going.”
A wide grin stretched across my face. “You remembered that?”
“You’re a Scorpio. I’m an Aquarius. It means we’re terrible for each other. I’m sure I memorized that entire summer, but especially that.”
I stared at her in awe, shaking my head and then cupping her face, planting a soft kiss on her lips. I leaned forward, touching her forehead to mine. She had to love me. She had to. I closed my eyes. “Promise me something.”
“What?” she asked.
“Please let this be something that lasts. Not like our parents. Not something trivial. I don’t want to be the high school boyfriend you tell your friends about when you’re an adult.”
“You give me too much credit, assuming I’ll have friends.”
“You’ll have friends. Lots of friends. People who adore you like I do.”
She lifted her chin and rose up on the balls of her feet to kiss me one last time before she pulled on the handle. It stuck, so I reached across and pushed on it hard enough that it opened.
I gently held her arm, stopping her before she stepped out onto the curb. The Chrysler was our space, a place where outside forces couldn’t touch. I felt more connected with her there and brave enough to tell her whatever was on my mind. “I love you, Catherine.”
Her eyes sparkled. “I love you, too.”
The door closed, and I watched her walk through the gate and up the steps. She paused before going in, turning to wave at me.
Chapter Nineteen
Catherine
I stood on the porch and waved to Elliott. It wasn’t yet four o’clock, but already the sun was low in the sky. I didn’t want to go in, so I waved at him for too long. I didn’t want him to worry more than he already was, but there I stood, blatantly delaying the moment of walking into the Juniper.
The days were shorter, and dark things happened at the Juniper at night. The guests were up more, walking the halls, unable to sleep, whispering to one another about plans to keep the bed and breakfast going, to keep me there. As the days passed, they were only more restless, worried about the Juniper’s future and worried what would happen if I tried to leave.
I watched Elliott wave back at me, waiting until I was safely inside, because he didn’t know my frightening reality. If I told him what I’d gone through and was going through now, he would believe me. If I told him, he would keep me safe, but I wasn’t sure I could do the same for him. The truth would only trap him like it had me. He couldn’t tell; he couldn’t fight it. He would be reduced to watching helplessly on the sidelines, just as he was doing now. Telling him would change nothing.
