All the Little Lights
Page 57
She looked over her shoulder at the door and then padded over to the window, lifting it up. She breathed out a white puff of air as I climbed past her and then closed the window.
She was already frowning, immediately seeing my hands. “What happened?”
“I went to the party,” I said.
“Are you okay?” she asked, gently looking over my hands. “Let’s get these cleaned up.”
Catherine led me to the bathroom, turning on tepid water and running it over the dirt and blood. She knelt down and then stood, holding a bottle of peroxide. “Ready?” I nodded, and she squirted the clear liquid onto my wounds. I sucked in a breath, watching as it turned light red and escaped down the drain. She bandaged my skin with what she had and then led me to the bed.
We sat down carefully, waiting after it squeaked to see if we’d woken anyone.
“Tell me,” Catherine said.
“Cruz Miller.”
“Oh,” she said, understanding in her eyes.
“I think he was there looking for a fight. Minka mouthed off, and he defended her when I told her to shut up.”
“About me?” she asked, her face crumbling. “This was about me.”
“It’s not your fault, Catherine,” I said with a frown. I knew she’d blame herself.
“You can’t even enjoy one party . . . on your birthday . . . because you get into a fight defending me.”
“I’d do it again.”
“You shouldn’t have to,” she said, standing. She paced back and forth, her long nightgown swaying between her legs. She stopped, looking at me, resolution on her face.
“Don’t say it. Don’t you dare say it to me right now,” I said. “I can deal with a lot of stuff being thrown at me, but not that.”
Her eyes glossed over. “I’m not good for you. It’s not fair what’s happening to you. You’re the star quarterback. Everyone would love you if it weren’t for me.”
“I only care about one person loving me.” I paused. “Catherine?” I rubbed the back of my neck. “You’re going to hear at school on Monday that I lost my shit. I kind of did. I don’t remember a lot of it. Cruz is pretty messed up.”
“What are you saying?”
“Everyone looked kind of scared of me when I left. Even Sam.”
She stared at me, not saying anything for several seconds. “You lost your temper? Like when you punch holes in doors?” I nodded. “I thought you didn’t do that anymore?”
I sighed. “I don’t know what happened. I snapped.”
She sat next to me, holding my hand, careful not to touch my knuckles. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“Can I stay?” I asked.
She nodded, lying down on the bed. I lay next to her, and she hooked her arm over my middle, resting her cheek against my chest. The gray piece of fabric fell off the bed, landing quietly on the floor, but Catherine didn’t seem to notice. Instead, she hung on to me tight until her breathing evened out and her entire body relaxed.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Catherine
On Monday, after the final bell rang, I gathered my things and headed to my locker. Cruz wasn’t at school, and Minka wouldn’t even look at me in the few classes we had together. It was like an alternate universe. The week before, we couldn’t walk down the hall without someone trying to get Elliott’s attention. Now he got the same curious or disgusted expressions usually reserved for me.
Elliott was quiet on the way to the Juniper, but he kept his hand in mine, occasionally squeezing it, I assumed when he had a thought he didn’t want to say out loud.
“Thank you for the ride home,” I said to Elliott as I pushed the passenger door open against the wind. “You okay?”
“Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. I’ll be back right after practice.”
I closed the door, and he held up his hand, his index and pinky pointing up, his thumb extended. I did the same before turning to walk toward the Juniper.
My hair blew against my face, helping to keep the cold from blasting my cheeks, but it wasn’t just the blast of freezing wind rushing my steps to the door. Elliott wouldn’t leave until I was inside, and he couldn’t be late for practice.
“Catherine?” Mama called as I crossed the threshold.
“I’m home,” I said, peeling off layers and hanging my coat, scarf, and knit cap on the hooks by the door.
The log for the day was empty, so I trudged into the kitchen and heaved my backpack onto the counter, unzipping it and pulling out five textbooks. It had been three days since Elliott’s run-in with Duke, and I was still worrying about it, making it difficult to concentrate in class. I hadn’t finished any of my assignments and hadn’t caught most of the notes. Staring at the stack of books made me feel tired.
“My brother dated a girl once that my mom didn’t like. Didn’t last very long.” Tess placed a mug of hot chocolate in front of me, sipping her own.
“Who says Mama doesn’t like Elliott? Did she tell you that?”
Tess shrugged. “She said Duke freaked out in front of Elliott. She feels bad, but maybe it’s for the best.”
I sighed. “Thank you for the drink, but not today, Tess.”
“Not today? You’ve got to end this now. You’re going to break his heart. You know you’re not going with him, and he’s not staying here.”
“I don’t know,” I snapped. I let out a breath, trying to rein in my temper.
“It’s not your fault,” Tess said. “It’s normal to want to belong, so it makes sense that you’d want both—Elliott and the Juniper.”
“Who says I want both?” I asked. “The Juniper is a necessary evil, not a want. Elliott is a want, and I was doing just fine until Duke nearly ruined everything. I can still do this. I’ll figure something out. I always do.”
“It sucks, but you know what you have here is too important, and you’re screwing it up.”
I closed my eyes. “I don’t know anything. Neither do you.”
“I know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong. You can’t have both. Eventually, you’re going to have to choose.”
“I can have both as long as he’s here. When he leaves, I’ll . . . I’ll let him go, but for now, just let me enjoy it. For once, just let me be happy.”
“He makes you happy?”
“You know he does.”
“So you did choose.”
“It’s not much of a choice, Tess. Please. I have a lot on my plate right now. Just . . . go home.”
“The choice is to be loyal to your mama or run off with a boy who’s going to leave. To anyone else, it would be a clear choice. I can’t believe you.” I sighed and stood, but Tess grabbed my arm. “I came by Friday night. You weren’t here. Mavis said you went to his game. You’ve been taking off work an awful lot.”
I pulled away. “I’m allowed to take off once in a while. I’ve worked seven days a week for two years, Tess.”
“I guess. So . . . how was it? The game? Did you have fun?”
“Not as much as I’d hoped.”
Tess looked at me, her eyes narrowing. “The game? Why not?”
The wind outside rattled the windows, the draft making the curtains sway gently.
She was already frowning, immediately seeing my hands. “What happened?”
“I went to the party,” I said.
“Are you okay?” she asked, gently looking over my hands. “Let’s get these cleaned up.”
Catherine led me to the bathroom, turning on tepid water and running it over the dirt and blood. She knelt down and then stood, holding a bottle of peroxide. “Ready?” I nodded, and she squirted the clear liquid onto my wounds. I sucked in a breath, watching as it turned light red and escaped down the drain. She bandaged my skin with what she had and then led me to the bed.
We sat down carefully, waiting after it squeaked to see if we’d woken anyone.
“Tell me,” Catherine said.
“Cruz Miller.”
“Oh,” she said, understanding in her eyes.
“I think he was there looking for a fight. Minka mouthed off, and he defended her when I told her to shut up.”
“About me?” she asked, her face crumbling. “This was about me.”
“It’s not your fault, Catherine,” I said with a frown. I knew she’d blame herself.
“You can’t even enjoy one party . . . on your birthday . . . because you get into a fight defending me.”
“I’d do it again.”
“You shouldn’t have to,” she said, standing. She paced back and forth, her long nightgown swaying between her legs. She stopped, looking at me, resolution on her face.
“Don’t say it. Don’t you dare say it to me right now,” I said. “I can deal with a lot of stuff being thrown at me, but not that.”
Her eyes glossed over. “I’m not good for you. It’s not fair what’s happening to you. You’re the star quarterback. Everyone would love you if it weren’t for me.”
“I only care about one person loving me.” I paused. “Catherine?” I rubbed the back of my neck. “You’re going to hear at school on Monday that I lost my shit. I kind of did. I don’t remember a lot of it. Cruz is pretty messed up.”
“What are you saying?”
“Everyone looked kind of scared of me when I left. Even Sam.”
She stared at me, not saying anything for several seconds. “You lost your temper? Like when you punch holes in doors?” I nodded. “I thought you didn’t do that anymore?”
I sighed. “I don’t know what happened. I snapped.”
She sat next to me, holding my hand, careful not to touch my knuckles. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“Can I stay?” I asked.
She nodded, lying down on the bed. I lay next to her, and she hooked her arm over my middle, resting her cheek against my chest. The gray piece of fabric fell off the bed, landing quietly on the floor, but Catherine didn’t seem to notice. Instead, she hung on to me tight until her breathing evened out and her entire body relaxed.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Catherine
On Monday, after the final bell rang, I gathered my things and headed to my locker. Cruz wasn’t at school, and Minka wouldn’t even look at me in the few classes we had together. It was like an alternate universe. The week before, we couldn’t walk down the hall without someone trying to get Elliott’s attention. Now he got the same curious or disgusted expressions usually reserved for me.
Elliott was quiet on the way to the Juniper, but he kept his hand in mine, occasionally squeezing it, I assumed when he had a thought he didn’t want to say out loud.
“Thank you for the ride home,” I said to Elliott as I pushed the passenger door open against the wind. “You okay?”
“Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. I’ll be back right after practice.”
I closed the door, and he held up his hand, his index and pinky pointing up, his thumb extended. I did the same before turning to walk toward the Juniper.
My hair blew against my face, helping to keep the cold from blasting my cheeks, but it wasn’t just the blast of freezing wind rushing my steps to the door. Elliott wouldn’t leave until I was inside, and he couldn’t be late for practice.
“Catherine?” Mama called as I crossed the threshold.
“I’m home,” I said, peeling off layers and hanging my coat, scarf, and knit cap on the hooks by the door.
The log for the day was empty, so I trudged into the kitchen and heaved my backpack onto the counter, unzipping it and pulling out five textbooks. It had been three days since Elliott’s run-in with Duke, and I was still worrying about it, making it difficult to concentrate in class. I hadn’t finished any of my assignments and hadn’t caught most of the notes. Staring at the stack of books made me feel tired.
“My brother dated a girl once that my mom didn’t like. Didn’t last very long.” Tess placed a mug of hot chocolate in front of me, sipping her own.
“Who says Mama doesn’t like Elliott? Did she tell you that?”
Tess shrugged. “She said Duke freaked out in front of Elliott. She feels bad, but maybe it’s for the best.”
I sighed. “Thank you for the drink, but not today, Tess.”
“Not today? You’ve got to end this now. You’re going to break his heart. You know you’re not going with him, and he’s not staying here.”
“I don’t know,” I snapped. I let out a breath, trying to rein in my temper.
“It’s not your fault,” Tess said. “It’s normal to want to belong, so it makes sense that you’d want both—Elliott and the Juniper.”
“Who says I want both?” I asked. “The Juniper is a necessary evil, not a want. Elliott is a want, and I was doing just fine until Duke nearly ruined everything. I can still do this. I’ll figure something out. I always do.”
“It sucks, but you know what you have here is too important, and you’re screwing it up.”
I closed my eyes. “I don’t know anything. Neither do you.”
“I know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong. You can’t have both. Eventually, you’re going to have to choose.”
“I can have both as long as he’s here. When he leaves, I’ll . . . I’ll let him go, but for now, just let me enjoy it. For once, just let me be happy.”
“He makes you happy?”
“You know he does.”
“So you did choose.”
“It’s not much of a choice, Tess. Please. I have a lot on my plate right now. Just . . . go home.”
“The choice is to be loyal to your mama or run off with a boy who’s going to leave. To anyone else, it would be a clear choice. I can’t believe you.” I sighed and stood, but Tess grabbed my arm. “I came by Friday night. You weren’t here. Mavis said you went to his game. You’ve been taking off work an awful lot.”
I pulled away. “I’m allowed to take off once in a while. I’ve worked seven days a week for two years, Tess.”
“I guess. So . . . how was it? The game? Did you have fun?”
“Not as much as I’d hoped.”
Tess looked at me, her eyes narrowing. “The game? Why not?”
The wind outside rattled the windows, the draft making the curtains sway gently.
