Animal Dreams
Page 120
This was the truth, dead center. I remembered her up there huddled among the Mason jars and bright cracker boxes. I stared at the freshly laundered pink sweater lying with outstretched arms and thought about how small Hallie had been at one time. Miss Colder and Miss Dann were just then displaying an ancient-looking picture book, but there was a roaring in my ears and I lost track of what they were saying. I believe it was the physical manifestation of unbearable grief. But you learn in these situations that all griefs are bearable. Loyd was standing on one side of me, and Emelina on the other, and whenever I thought I might fall or just cease to exist, the pressure of their shoulders held me there.
I could hear people's words, but my vision was jarred by showers of blue sparks. Or the world went out of focus. And at other times I could see but couldn't hear. Dona Althea clumped forward with her cane and set down a miniature, perfectly made peacock pinata. It perched there on the pile of childhood things, its small eyes glittering and its tail feathers perfectly trimmed. It was an exquisite piece of art that could have made it into Mr. Rideheart's gallery, but it was for Hallie. I tried to listen to what she was saying. She said, "I made one like this for both of you girls, for your cumpleanos when you were ten."
To my surprise, this was also true. I remembered every toy, every birthday party, each one of these fifty mothers who'd been standing at the edges of my childhood, ready to make whatever contribution was needed at the time.
"Gracias, Abuelita," I said softly to Dona Althea as she clumped away.
She didn't look at me, but she heard me say it and she didn't deny that she was my relative. Her small head crowned with its great white braid nodded a little. No hugs or confessions of love. We were all a little stiff, I understood that. Family constellations are fixed things. They don't change just because you've learned the names of the stars.
Uda Dell went last. "I brought this bouquet of zinnias because every spring Hallie helped me dig my zinnia bed." She laid down the homely, particolored bouquet, and added, "I crocheted that afghan, too."
"You did?"
She looked at me, surprised. "Right after your mommy died. Well, I don't guess you'd remember."
"This blanket got us through a lot of tough times," I said. I was feeling a little more steady on my feet. I folded in the corners and drew it all up into a bundle against my chest. About everything Hallie and I had ever done was with us there in the Domingos orchard. Everything we'd been I was now.
"Thank you," I said, to everybody.
I turned my back and headed alone with my bundle up the Old Pony Road to Doc Homer's house.
Chapter 27
HOMERO
27 Human Remains
There are women in every room of this house, he thinks: Mrs. Quintana upstairs, and now there is Codi, standing in the kitchen with her baby. Her arms and chest clutch the black wool bundle and it weighs her down like something old, made of stone. The weight makes him want to turn away. He thinks, This is the fossil record of our lives.
"I'm going to bury this. Do you want to help me?" She looks up at him and tears stream down. The grief on her face is fresh as pollen.
"You already buried it."
"No, no, no!" she screams, and slams the screen door behind her. He follows her down the path but she doesn't go down to the riverbed this time, she turns and goes right around the house into the backyard. When he catches up, a little breathless, she is standing with her boots on the ground like rooted stalks. Standing beside the old plot where Hallie used to grow a garden. A few old artichoke bushes have gone thistly and wild around its perimeter. Codi drops the knotted bundle and goes to the tool shed to retrieve a shovel. She comes back and digs hard into the ground. It hasn't been disturbed for many years.
"Are you sure this is a good place?" he asks.
Without speaking, she steps on the shovel and its tip bites into the sandy soil again and again, lifting, digging, and lifting out a deep, square hole.
"You might want to have a garden here again someday. When this house is yours."
The shovel stops suddenly. "Did you know I'm staying?" She looks at him.
He looks back, waiting.
"I told Loyd about the baby. Yesterday I took him down there to the riverbed where you showed me. I can remember every minute of that night. You gave me some pills, didn't you? You really did want to help." She looks up at the sky, using gravity and the small, twin dams of her eyelids to hold in tears. "So Loyd knows about that now. He's sad. I didn't think about that part-that he would be sad. I was thinking the baby was just mine."
I could hear people's words, but my vision was jarred by showers of blue sparks. Or the world went out of focus. And at other times I could see but couldn't hear. Dona Althea clumped forward with her cane and set down a miniature, perfectly made peacock pinata. It perched there on the pile of childhood things, its small eyes glittering and its tail feathers perfectly trimmed. It was an exquisite piece of art that could have made it into Mr. Rideheart's gallery, but it was for Hallie. I tried to listen to what she was saying. She said, "I made one like this for both of you girls, for your cumpleanos when you were ten."
To my surprise, this was also true. I remembered every toy, every birthday party, each one of these fifty mothers who'd been standing at the edges of my childhood, ready to make whatever contribution was needed at the time.
"Gracias, Abuelita," I said softly to Dona Althea as she clumped away.
She didn't look at me, but she heard me say it and she didn't deny that she was my relative. Her small head crowned with its great white braid nodded a little. No hugs or confessions of love. We were all a little stiff, I understood that. Family constellations are fixed things. They don't change just because you've learned the names of the stars.
Uda Dell went last. "I brought this bouquet of zinnias because every spring Hallie helped me dig my zinnia bed." She laid down the homely, particolored bouquet, and added, "I crocheted that afghan, too."
"You did?"
She looked at me, surprised. "Right after your mommy died. Well, I don't guess you'd remember."
"This blanket got us through a lot of tough times," I said. I was feeling a little more steady on my feet. I folded in the corners and drew it all up into a bundle against my chest. About everything Hallie and I had ever done was with us there in the Domingos orchard. Everything we'd been I was now.
"Thank you," I said, to everybody.
I turned my back and headed alone with my bundle up the Old Pony Road to Doc Homer's house.
Chapter 27
HOMERO
27 Human Remains
There are women in every room of this house, he thinks: Mrs. Quintana upstairs, and now there is Codi, standing in the kitchen with her baby. Her arms and chest clutch the black wool bundle and it weighs her down like something old, made of stone. The weight makes him want to turn away. He thinks, This is the fossil record of our lives.
"I'm going to bury this. Do you want to help me?" She looks up at him and tears stream down. The grief on her face is fresh as pollen.
"You already buried it."
"No, no, no!" she screams, and slams the screen door behind her. He follows her down the path but she doesn't go down to the riverbed this time, she turns and goes right around the house into the backyard. When he catches up, a little breathless, she is standing with her boots on the ground like rooted stalks. Standing beside the old plot where Hallie used to grow a garden. A few old artichoke bushes have gone thistly and wild around its perimeter. Codi drops the knotted bundle and goes to the tool shed to retrieve a shovel. She comes back and digs hard into the ground. It hasn't been disturbed for many years.
"Are you sure this is a good place?" he asks.
Without speaking, she steps on the shovel and its tip bites into the sandy soil again and again, lifting, digging, and lifting out a deep, square hole.
"You might want to have a garden here again someday. When this house is yours."
The shovel stops suddenly. "Did you know I'm staying?" She looks at him.
He looks back, waiting.
"I told Loyd about the baby. Yesterday I took him down there to the riverbed where you showed me. I can remember every minute of that night. You gave me some pills, didn't you? You really did want to help." She looks up at the sky, using gravity and the small, twin dams of her eyelids to hold in tears. "So Loyd knows about that now. He's sad. I didn't think about that part-that he would be sad. I was thinking the baby was just mine."
