Ashes to Ashes
Page 5
Lil and I make our way upstairs. Eddie’s already there, pointing his flashlight up another set of stairs, probably leading to the attic.
We come to a bedroom and linger in the doorway. Unmade bed, closet doors wide open, clothes tossed about. Strangest of all, the entire floor is covered with hundreds of books open to random pages.
“This has to be her aunt’s room,” Lillia whispers.
Suddenly there’s a hand on my arm. “The house is empty,” Eddie says, pulling me back toward the staircase. “We’re getting out of here. Move it!”
“Wait, Kat! Come look at this!”
I shake Eddie off and follow the sound of Lillia’s voice into another bedroom.
It’s the only one that’s been completely emptied out. There’s a dresser, a stripped bed, an empty bookshelf, and a bare closet. I walk to the window and look down at the spot where Lillia and I threw rocks to get Mary’s attention when we came to visit her once in the middle of the night. That was the first time she told us about Reeve and what he’d done to her.
“She must have packed up her things.” Lillia shakes her head. She can’t believe it either. “I guess she really did leave without saying good-bye.”
* * *
On our way out, Eddie pulls the back door shut and makes sure it’s locked. Then he drives off. Lillia and I get back into her car. We should leave too, but we don’t. Not right away.
“The last time I saw Mary, she was happy,” I say. “Singing and dancing about you shutting Reeve down that night we both slept over. You know, she never showed up at Ren’s party on New Year’s. Maybe by that time she’d already peaced out. She got what she came for; she left on a high note.”
“Maybe . . .” With a sigh Lillia turns on her car and heads to my house.
“Or, you know what? Things have been so crazy with Rennie’s death. Maybe Mary came to say good-bye when we were both at the funeral.” I fiddle with my seat belt. “Or it could be that something happened with her aunt. Like a family intervention and she didn’t have time to come find us. Whatever it is, I bet she’ll call us soon.”
I can come up with a million excuses. The problem is that I don’t buy a single one.
Chapter Five
MARY
FROM THE PEAK OF THE lighthouse roof, Jar Island looks small, like a play town with play people. That’s where I’m perched, a seagull waiting out a storm. I’m as close to the sky as I’ve ever been, and everything is tiny. A man walking his poodle, a car driving up Main Street, a child crying for his mother. I’m too far away to care. What does it matter? What does any of it matter?
Before, I would have been afraid to be up so high. Now I’m not afraid. I’m not even sad. I’m nothing.
It’s funny how my whole life, I never wanted to leave Jar Island, and now in death I can’t. I remember when I first came back here, waking up on the ferry once it had reached Jar Island. Or had I ever left? There was that time, after the first few days of school, when I’d had it with Reeve. I wanted to be back with my mom and dad. I packed up my suitcase and came down to the docks, ready to leave but unable to go. I didn’t know why then, but now I do.
For some terrible reason I’m trapped here. I’ve been trapped here, maybe since the day I killed myself.
What I want to know is why. Why am I still here? Rennie got to leave. Is she in heaven? Or did she go straight to hell? Hopefully my dad is in heaven. He was a good dad. He deserves to be there. I wish I were with him.
It starts to snow. I’m not wearing a coat. I’ve got no socks, no shoes. Just me in a simple white dress. If I close my eyes, I can almost feel the cold wind whipping around me, I can almost feel the chill of the winter sea spray. Almost.
All those months of pretending, playacting like I was alive, like I was somebody. Only I didn’t know it was pretend. I thought it was real. It felt real.
My friendship with Lillia and Kat, that was real. In their eyes I was alive. I never had friends like them before. It was the only time in my whole life when I felt a part of something.
They made me real. For a little while anyway.
If I let go of them, maybe then I can finally move on. To heaven, to hell, to wherever. So long as it’s not Jar Island.
Chapter Six
LILLIA
SATURDAY NIGHT THERE’S A CANDLELIGHT vigil for Rennie in the courtyard outside the school. It’s freezing, and the wind is blowing so hard people’s candles keep going out, so they cut it short. Kat comes, but she leaves early.
After, Paige goes around telling everybody to come over to her place, that she cleaned out the gallery and found the leftover liquor and beer from Rennie’s party. She says she wants to get rid of it. She says, “We can cry and drink and tell Rennie stories. Everyone can just camp out afterward and sleep there.”
I’ve already slept over twice this week because Paige doesn’t like to be alone on the nights when her boyfriend has to get back to his restaurant on the mainland. She makes me stay up all night with her, and it’s a roller-coaster ride of her laughing one minute and then sobbing the next. But that’s not the hard part. The hard part is sleeping in Ren’s bed, because when I wake up, I still expect to see her there next to me.
When I get to the apartment, everyone’s already there. Ash is sitting in Derek’s lap in the armchair; PJ is lying on the floor with his hat over his face; a few girls from the squad are in the kitchen. Alex sits on the radiator flipping through a photo album. Reeve is next to Paige on the couch. She has a big shoe box in her lap, and she’s passing around trinkets she’s kept, like the tiny white dress Rennie was christened in. I can tell she’s already drunk. Reeve barely looks at the stuff, just quick cursory glances. I go to the kitchen and fix Paige a turkey sandwich, because I’m sure she hasn’t had anything to eat. From the couch I feel Reeve’s eyes on me, but when I look up, he’s already looking away.
I put the sandwich on a plate and bring it to Paige. “Try to eat a little.”
Paige kisses me on the cheek. Her breath smells like whiskey and something sour. “You’re my angel,” she says, setting the plate down on the coffee table. “I planned on getting some snacks and things for you kids today, but when I went to the store, I felt everybody’s judging eyes on me, so I left.”
Frowning, Alex asks, “What do you mean?”
“All these Jar Island parents are convinced that I’m a terrible mother,” she spits out. “They think Rennie got into that accident because she was drinking and driving. I have the police report. That had nothing to do with it. It was some kind of malfunction with the Jeep.”
We come to a bedroom and linger in the doorway. Unmade bed, closet doors wide open, clothes tossed about. Strangest of all, the entire floor is covered with hundreds of books open to random pages.
“This has to be her aunt’s room,” Lillia whispers.
Suddenly there’s a hand on my arm. “The house is empty,” Eddie says, pulling me back toward the staircase. “We’re getting out of here. Move it!”
“Wait, Kat! Come look at this!”
I shake Eddie off and follow the sound of Lillia’s voice into another bedroom.
It’s the only one that’s been completely emptied out. There’s a dresser, a stripped bed, an empty bookshelf, and a bare closet. I walk to the window and look down at the spot where Lillia and I threw rocks to get Mary’s attention when we came to visit her once in the middle of the night. That was the first time she told us about Reeve and what he’d done to her.
“She must have packed up her things.” Lillia shakes her head. She can’t believe it either. “I guess she really did leave without saying good-bye.”
* * *
On our way out, Eddie pulls the back door shut and makes sure it’s locked. Then he drives off. Lillia and I get back into her car. We should leave too, but we don’t. Not right away.
“The last time I saw Mary, she was happy,” I say. “Singing and dancing about you shutting Reeve down that night we both slept over. You know, she never showed up at Ren’s party on New Year’s. Maybe by that time she’d already peaced out. She got what she came for; she left on a high note.”
“Maybe . . .” With a sigh Lillia turns on her car and heads to my house.
“Or, you know what? Things have been so crazy with Rennie’s death. Maybe Mary came to say good-bye when we were both at the funeral.” I fiddle with my seat belt. “Or it could be that something happened with her aunt. Like a family intervention and she didn’t have time to come find us. Whatever it is, I bet she’ll call us soon.”
I can come up with a million excuses. The problem is that I don’t buy a single one.
Chapter Five
MARY
FROM THE PEAK OF THE lighthouse roof, Jar Island looks small, like a play town with play people. That’s where I’m perched, a seagull waiting out a storm. I’m as close to the sky as I’ve ever been, and everything is tiny. A man walking his poodle, a car driving up Main Street, a child crying for his mother. I’m too far away to care. What does it matter? What does any of it matter?
Before, I would have been afraid to be up so high. Now I’m not afraid. I’m not even sad. I’m nothing.
It’s funny how my whole life, I never wanted to leave Jar Island, and now in death I can’t. I remember when I first came back here, waking up on the ferry once it had reached Jar Island. Or had I ever left? There was that time, after the first few days of school, when I’d had it with Reeve. I wanted to be back with my mom and dad. I packed up my suitcase and came down to the docks, ready to leave but unable to go. I didn’t know why then, but now I do.
For some terrible reason I’m trapped here. I’ve been trapped here, maybe since the day I killed myself.
What I want to know is why. Why am I still here? Rennie got to leave. Is she in heaven? Or did she go straight to hell? Hopefully my dad is in heaven. He was a good dad. He deserves to be there. I wish I were with him.
It starts to snow. I’m not wearing a coat. I’ve got no socks, no shoes. Just me in a simple white dress. If I close my eyes, I can almost feel the cold wind whipping around me, I can almost feel the chill of the winter sea spray. Almost.
All those months of pretending, playacting like I was alive, like I was somebody. Only I didn’t know it was pretend. I thought it was real. It felt real.
My friendship with Lillia and Kat, that was real. In their eyes I was alive. I never had friends like them before. It was the only time in my whole life when I felt a part of something.
They made me real. For a little while anyway.
If I let go of them, maybe then I can finally move on. To heaven, to hell, to wherever. So long as it’s not Jar Island.
Chapter Six
LILLIA
SATURDAY NIGHT THERE’S A CANDLELIGHT vigil for Rennie in the courtyard outside the school. It’s freezing, and the wind is blowing so hard people’s candles keep going out, so they cut it short. Kat comes, but she leaves early.
After, Paige goes around telling everybody to come over to her place, that she cleaned out the gallery and found the leftover liquor and beer from Rennie’s party. She says she wants to get rid of it. She says, “We can cry and drink and tell Rennie stories. Everyone can just camp out afterward and sleep there.”
I’ve already slept over twice this week because Paige doesn’t like to be alone on the nights when her boyfriend has to get back to his restaurant on the mainland. She makes me stay up all night with her, and it’s a roller-coaster ride of her laughing one minute and then sobbing the next. But that’s not the hard part. The hard part is sleeping in Ren’s bed, because when I wake up, I still expect to see her there next to me.
When I get to the apartment, everyone’s already there. Ash is sitting in Derek’s lap in the armchair; PJ is lying on the floor with his hat over his face; a few girls from the squad are in the kitchen. Alex sits on the radiator flipping through a photo album. Reeve is next to Paige on the couch. She has a big shoe box in her lap, and she’s passing around trinkets she’s kept, like the tiny white dress Rennie was christened in. I can tell she’s already drunk. Reeve barely looks at the stuff, just quick cursory glances. I go to the kitchen and fix Paige a turkey sandwich, because I’m sure she hasn’t had anything to eat. From the couch I feel Reeve’s eyes on me, but when I look up, he’s already looking away.
I put the sandwich on a plate and bring it to Paige. “Try to eat a little.”
Paige kisses me on the cheek. Her breath smells like whiskey and something sour. “You’re my angel,” she says, setting the plate down on the coffee table. “I planned on getting some snacks and things for you kids today, but when I went to the store, I felt everybody’s judging eyes on me, so I left.”
Frowning, Alex asks, “What do you mean?”
“All these Jar Island parents are convinced that I’m a terrible mother,” she spits out. “They think Rennie got into that accident because she was drinking and driving. I have the police report. That had nothing to do with it. It was some kind of malfunction with the Jeep.”
