Back to You
Page 22
“Night, Daddy. I love you.”
That his daughters loved him was the finest thing he had.
“I love you, too. Sweet dreams.”
Kelly was leaving Kensey’s room as he went in. They’d never had this unified parenting. It seemed to fill him up and yet he craved more and more.
The whole day had been a lesson.
He said his good-night, his love yous and gave several kisses and hugs. When he ended up out in the hall again, he wore a goofy smile.
Vaughan could have gone to his room. But he wasn’t sleepy. Tired, yes, sleepy¸ not at all.
Following the sound, he headed down to the kitchen where Kelly had just been checking the door to the garage.
“Just my nightly lockup.” She smiled and he wanted to kiss her so badly he licked his lips, trying to remember her taste.
“Are you going to bed right now? Want to hang out with me awhile?”
She watched him with careful eyes but everything was all right when she nodded. “Sure. I’ve got beer if you want. I’m having a glass of wine, but if I remember correctly, you like beer better.”
She grabbed a bottle of white wine she’d had chilling and a glass.
He followed her back upstairs, a beer between his fingertips. “You offered me wine last night.”
“I did. I wasn’t inclined to give you any other options then. I’m feeling nicer now.” She opened her bedroom door, looking back over her shoulder, saying softly, “Don’t ruin it.”
He’d ruined it eight years before. That hung between them. And, he supposed, it should have until he dealt with it. Being an adult sucked sometimes.
Then again. The scent of her hit him as they settled. This was her space. Soft bedding in blues and grays. The chairs they sat on in her room were a silvery purple. Framed pictures of the girls, some nature shots, a few of Kelly with friends dotted the walls and shelves.
The rugs on the floor were lush. Feminine. Not even a trace of Ross here.
Instead of starting slow, Vaughan found himself blurting out, “Did you really want to marry him?”
Kelly shrugged, tucking her feet beneath her. “Doesn’t matter now. It’s over.”
“You don’t even have his picture in here.”
“I had one of the two of us together on my dresser over there. I put it away when I gathered all his things to return to him. Why do you care so much?” Even with her gaze narrowed, the pretty sky blue of her eyes still made his heart beat faster.
“You know why.”
She flipped him off.
“What’s that for?”
“You come into my house with all this talk about how you want this or that. How you’re sorry for a lot. But you can’t even come out and say what you want so why should I give it to you? I don’t really care if you don’t like getting flipped off. Be honest or get the fuck out of my bedroom.”
This Kelly wasn’t one he knew how to get around. And...it made him want her even more. This Kelly was pissed off and wanted some groveling. Maybe a lot, given the gleam in her eye.
She deserved all she was asking for and more.
“I care because it makes me jealous. I don’t want you to love anyone else. Or marry anyone else. I don’t want my daughters to be raised by another man they call Dad.”
She lifted her glass and took a sip. “See? How hard was that?”
He frowned. “Hard! It’s not easy admitting stuff like that.”
One of her brows rose slowly. “Really? Gosh, I have no idea about such things.”
He sighed. “All I can say for totally sure is that I fucked up. Okay? I did and I know it and now I’m old enough to really see it. You never had any reason to doubt my commitment.”
“I’m about two seconds from throwing this wine in your face. So adjust your speech accordingly.”
Wow. He shifted, uncomfortable but also half-hard. “I never loved anyone else.” Even to that moment, it had only been Kelly.
“And yet, it didn’t stop you from letting a stranger give you a hand job after a show when you had me.”
And there it was.
But she wasn’t done. “You. Had. Me. I was there, Vaughan. Pregnant, exhausted but there because you asked me to be. And I wasn’t enough. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Madeline wasn’t enough. Kensey wasn’t enough. None of us was enough and I could see in your eyes that you wanted me to know it.”
Each word she gave him sliced deep. He wanted to turn away, wanted to deny and protest that she misunderstood. But she laid herself bare for him and it seemed like more betrayal to disrespect that with lies.
He’d begged Kelly to visit him on tour. Maddie was still a baby and Kensey was on the way. Restlessness had gripped him during that tour. Each day without her he’d begun to itch, feel weighted down by his family. The spiral of his behavior spun in wider and more erratic circles, more and more destructive until the moment his wife had walked around the corner and caught some random groupie with her hand down the front of his pants and her mouth on his neck.
And then he’d asked Kelly to join them. He’d never forget the look on her face.
He breathed out, trying to ignore the pain in his chest. “I did have you. Damn it, Kel, I miss you. I miss your being mine. I’m sorry I had no self-control. I’m sorry I was careless with what we had. I’m sorry I couldn’t see what I had until it was too late and then I was too stupid for years to realize how special it had been. I’m sorry I threw us away. Sorry I hurt you. God, so fucking sorry.”
That his daughters loved him was the finest thing he had.
“I love you, too. Sweet dreams.”
Kelly was leaving Kensey’s room as he went in. They’d never had this unified parenting. It seemed to fill him up and yet he craved more and more.
The whole day had been a lesson.
He said his good-night, his love yous and gave several kisses and hugs. When he ended up out in the hall again, he wore a goofy smile.
Vaughan could have gone to his room. But he wasn’t sleepy. Tired, yes, sleepy¸ not at all.
Following the sound, he headed down to the kitchen where Kelly had just been checking the door to the garage.
“Just my nightly lockup.” She smiled and he wanted to kiss her so badly he licked his lips, trying to remember her taste.
“Are you going to bed right now? Want to hang out with me awhile?”
She watched him with careful eyes but everything was all right when she nodded. “Sure. I’ve got beer if you want. I’m having a glass of wine, but if I remember correctly, you like beer better.”
She grabbed a bottle of white wine she’d had chilling and a glass.
He followed her back upstairs, a beer between his fingertips. “You offered me wine last night.”
“I did. I wasn’t inclined to give you any other options then. I’m feeling nicer now.” She opened her bedroom door, looking back over her shoulder, saying softly, “Don’t ruin it.”
He’d ruined it eight years before. That hung between them. And, he supposed, it should have until he dealt with it. Being an adult sucked sometimes.
Then again. The scent of her hit him as they settled. This was her space. Soft bedding in blues and grays. The chairs they sat on in her room were a silvery purple. Framed pictures of the girls, some nature shots, a few of Kelly with friends dotted the walls and shelves.
The rugs on the floor were lush. Feminine. Not even a trace of Ross here.
Instead of starting slow, Vaughan found himself blurting out, “Did you really want to marry him?”
Kelly shrugged, tucking her feet beneath her. “Doesn’t matter now. It’s over.”
“You don’t even have his picture in here.”
“I had one of the two of us together on my dresser over there. I put it away when I gathered all his things to return to him. Why do you care so much?” Even with her gaze narrowed, the pretty sky blue of her eyes still made his heart beat faster.
“You know why.”
She flipped him off.
“What’s that for?”
“You come into my house with all this talk about how you want this or that. How you’re sorry for a lot. But you can’t even come out and say what you want so why should I give it to you? I don’t really care if you don’t like getting flipped off. Be honest or get the fuck out of my bedroom.”
This Kelly wasn’t one he knew how to get around. And...it made him want her even more. This Kelly was pissed off and wanted some groveling. Maybe a lot, given the gleam in her eye.
She deserved all she was asking for and more.
“I care because it makes me jealous. I don’t want you to love anyone else. Or marry anyone else. I don’t want my daughters to be raised by another man they call Dad.”
She lifted her glass and took a sip. “See? How hard was that?”
He frowned. “Hard! It’s not easy admitting stuff like that.”
One of her brows rose slowly. “Really? Gosh, I have no idea about such things.”
He sighed. “All I can say for totally sure is that I fucked up. Okay? I did and I know it and now I’m old enough to really see it. You never had any reason to doubt my commitment.”
“I’m about two seconds from throwing this wine in your face. So adjust your speech accordingly.”
Wow. He shifted, uncomfortable but also half-hard. “I never loved anyone else.” Even to that moment, it had only been Kelly.
“And yet, it didn’t stop you from letting a stranger give you a hand job after a show when you had me.”
And there it was.
But she wasn’t done. “You. Had. Me. I was there, Vaughan. Pregnant, exhausted but there because you asked me to be. And I wasn’t enough. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Madeline wasn’t enough. Kensey wasn’t enough. None of us was enough and I could see in your eyes that you wanted me to know it.”
Each word she gave him sliced deep. He wanted to turn away, wanted to deny and protest that she misunderstood. But she laid herself bare for him and it seemed like more betrayal to disrespect that with lies.
He’d begged Kelly to visit him on tour. Maddie was still a baby and Kensey was on the way. Restlessness had gripped him during that tour. Each day without her he’d begun to itch, feel weighted down by his family. The spiral of his behavior spun in wider and more erratic circles, more and more destructive until the moment his wife had walked around the corner and caught some random groupie with her hand down the front of his pants and her mouth on his neck.
And then he’d asked Kelly to join them. He’d never forget the look on her face.
He breathed out, trying to ignore the pain in his chest. “I did have you. Damn it, Kel, I miss you. I miss your being mine. I’m sorry I had no self-control. I’m sorry I was careless with what we had. I’m sorry I couldn’t see what I had until it was too late and then I was too stupid for years to realize how special it had been. I’m sorry I threw us away. Sorry I hurt you. God, so fucking sorry.”
