Baking and Babies

Page 29

 
Molly chuckles. “I’m sorry, I thought you just said writing porn.”
 
It’s like we’ve all started playing a game of freeze tag and the person who’s “it” is being a major asshole and refusing to unfreeze everyone. My sisters aren’t moving or blinking, my mouth is stuck in a blow-up doll “Oh” face, and I’m wondering how long a person can hold their own breath before passing out.
 
I’m pretty certain that I’m the asshole and I know I should say something—anything—to change the subject, but words are potatoes and four is a purple cat.
 
Molly realizes she’s the only one laughing and looks around the room at everyone’s shocked expressions.
 
“Um, Marco?” she asks softly.
 
“Ha ha, so, funny story,” Rosa pipes up and I finally breathe, taking back my wish to be an only child as long as she does something to fix this fucking situation.
 
“Marco here writes porn!” she announces. “Well, he likes to call them erotic stories, but whatever.”
 
So, I’ll just go ahead and die right about now.
 
“He’s quite good at it too,” Tessa adds, playing along with Rosa. “He writes fanfiction. Vampire Diaries fanfiction to be more specific. You should let her read the m/m one you did with Damon and Stefan.”
 
Tessa winks at me and I vow to make sure Valerie goes to her first day of preschool with a backpack filled with condom-covered bananas for show-and-tell.
 
I can see by the confused look on Molly’s face as she looks back and forth between my sisters, and I that she’s not sure if she should believe what they’re saying. I hope to God she doesn’t think I’d write a story like that. I mean, come on. Damon and Stefan are brothers, that’s just disgusting.
 
“Let’s talk about something else,” my mother suggests, folding her hands in her lap.
 
At least my mother loves me enough to stop this insanity before my sisters make it worse.
 
“Molly, has Marco ever told you about when he was thirteen and I found all of his socks stuck to the floor under his bed?” she asks Molly sweetly.
 
“I think we should talk about Molly and the awesome thing she’s doing for her sister,” I proclaim, stopping my mother before she goes off on a masturbation tangent.
 
Seriously, it’s like they get a sick thrill out of making me look like an asshole. A porn-writing, tube-sock-masturbating asshole.
 
“You must really love your sister,” Mom states. “Your Aunt Claire told me over lunch the other day that your family is very close.”
 
Molly nods. “I do, and we are. They drive me crazy, but I’d do anything for them. Clearly, since I’m lying to all of them just to make sure my sister gets to marry the man she’s been in love with since she was a little girl.”
 
The pounding of little feet echoes out in the hallway and a dark-haired ball of energy flies into the room and dives onto Tessa’s lap.
 
“Aren’t you supposed to be taking a nap, little girl?” Tessa asks Valerie as she wraps her arms around her daughter’s waist and pulls her back against her chest.
 
“Naps are dumb,” Valerie announces. “Who are you?”
 
She points at Molly and then squirms out of Tessa’s hold to march over and stand in front of her.
 
“I’m Molly,” she greets her with a smile.
 
“My name’s Vagerie.”
 
Everyone laughs when she says her name wrong and mom shoots Tessa a questioning look.
 
“Why is my granddaughter calling herself Vagerie?”
 
We hear a laugh from the doorway and I let out a sigh of relief when I see my brother-in-law standing there.
 
“Sorry, that’s my fault,” Danny explains. “Tessa told me we need to start using proper words for body parts whenever Val asks about them, and her new favorite word is vagina.”
 
Valerie nods excitedly, moving right up to Molly until she’s pressing her little body against Molly’s knees.
 
“I have a vagerie and are you the Molly that Mommy says Uncle wants to hump?”
 
I immediately cough and choke at the same time and my mother reaches over and pats me on the back.
 
“It’s okay, hump means pee, but I don’t think people are ‘opposed to pee on each other,” Valerie informs her before turning her head towards me. “Uncle, you aren’t gonna pee on her, are you?”
 
Jumping up from the couch, I grab Valerie’s hand and pull her towards the doorway.
 
“Come on, Val, let’s go run with scissors and light some matches.” I ignore the laughter coming from all four women in the room. “When we’re done, I’ll pour you a bowl of sugar and give you some Red Bull to wash it down.”
 
“YAAAAAAY I love sugar!” Valerie cheers as we walk passed Danny and I call him a traitor for laughing with everyone else.
 
“Make sure she gives you another lesson on how to properly dress a banana,” my mother calls after me. “You wouldn’t even know how to take care of a pretend baby, let alone a real one.”
 
I walk faster with Valerie, knowing it’s probably not wise to leave Molly alone with those people for any length of time, but I have to get out of that room before I lose my shit.
 
“My cat licks his butt hole. Can you lick your butt hole, Uncle? Mommy says everyone has nipples, but I think she’s lying. My Barbie’s don’t have nipples. Do you have nipples?” Valerie rambles as we make our way to the spare bedroom.
 
Kids are so weird.
 
Chapter 15
 
– Ganja Grandma –
 
Molly
 
Leaning against the door frame of my parent’s living room, I watch my uncles and Marco all huddled together, deep in conversation. It’s so crazy how well he fits in with my family that it’s hard to believe he hasn’t been around them more than a handful of times. I’m trying to not let it get to me that we haven’t had more than a few minutes alone since this insanity started, but I only have myself to blame. Marco asked me out on a date and I chose dinner with his family instead of going somewhere alone. It was nice to witness someone else’s family be embarrassing instead of my own, but I should have consulted one of my sisters before immediately deciding on a family dinner for our first real date.
 
“How you feeling, honey? You up for tonight?” my mom asks, coming up next to me.
 
“Feeling great and I can’t wait for tonight,” I tell her, even though I’d rather have a root canal than participate in the activities my mother and aunts have planned.
 
Tonight is Charlotte’s bachelorette party, and while I’ll be busy watching everyone get white-girl-wasted and make bad choices as I sip on fucking apple juice, the guys are going to hang out here. Gavin decided he’d rather have a more relaxed bachelor party, much to Uncle Drew’s dismay, especially since mom made the whole “No Strippers in the House” rule after my dad’s bachelor party. Obviously I wasn’t born yet, but I’ve heard the stories. Aunt Claire warned all of us kids years ago to never mention my mom’s favorite couch and how she dragged it out into the front yard and lit it on fire, screaming about “stripper juice stains” for the whole neighborhood to hear.
 
“What if we put plastic on the furniture?” Uncle Drew asks, leaning out of the huddle to shout to my mother.
 
“What if I light your balls on fire?” she replies.
 
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” he mutters, going back to the guys.
 
“So, what’s this big announcement you have for us?” I ask my mom.
 
We were originally all supposed to meet at Charlotte and Gavin’s place and go from there, but my mom called everyone this morning and said she had something to tell us and wanted everyone to come here first.
 
“It’s a surprise. Something needs to be set up first so it shouldn’t be too much longer,” she tells me. “Oh, Grandma Madelyn decided to join us tonight, so prepare yourself.”