Baking and Babies

Page 28

 
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll distract everyone so you can sneak a few beers if you promise you won’t let your grandfather skull-fuck me,” he negotiates alcohol for protection like he’s been a part of this family for years.
 
I hold up my hand, putting my fingers in the same formation as Uncle Drew did earlier.
 
“Shocker Honor, I promise I will never let my grandfather skull-fuck you with a toothpick.”
 
Chapter 14
 
– I Have a Vagerie –
 
Marco
 
I can’t believe I agreed to this. What the hell was I thinking? Oh, I know. I was thinking that I’d do whatever Molly asked of me after she protected me from imminent skull-fuckage at her graduation party the other day. I was so happy to have my brain non-fucked with a toothpick that I told her I wanted to take her on a date. As much as I like her family now that they’ve decided not to kill me, I wanted to do something with her away from their prying eyes where we didn’t have to watch what we say about this whole pregnancy business. I made the mistake of telling her we could go wherever she wanted.
 
“Your mom likes this brand of wine, right?” Molly asks as we walk up the steps of my mother’s front porch.
 
Yep, Sunday dinner. Molly decided our first official date should be Sunday dinner with my family. I am so screwed.
 
“My mom likes anything with the name wine in it,” I joke. “Don’t worry about the wine. You should really be more concerned with my mother hitting you with a wooden spoon because I didn’t knock you up? while at the same time complaining I almost killed her when she thought I did knock you up.”
 
After the graduation party ended, I drove Molly back to Seduction and Snacks so she could get her car, and I told her all about how I had to come clean with my mom and sisters about what’s going on.
 
“I still can’t believe she goes to the same salon as my Aunt Claire,” Molly mutters. “And that the two of them went baby shopping and my aunt never said a word to me about it.”
 
Opening the door and motioning for her to go in ahead of me, I call for my mom as soon as we get inside.
 
Three sets of feet pound against the floor like a herd of elephants as my mom, Tessa, and Rosa all come racing out of the kitchen and down the hall.
 
Mom goes right up to Molly and pulls her in for a tight hug, kissing both of her cheeks before pulling back to look her up and down.
 
“You’re prettier than your pictures on The Facebook,” she exclaims with an approving smile.
 
“It’s just Facebook, Mom,” Rosa tells her. “Hi, I’m Rosa.”
 
Mom moves out of the way so Rosa and Molly can meet.
 
“You know I don’t understand that interwebs thing,” Mom complains. “And you still haven’t fixed the remote so I can send those text message things and—”
 
“Molly, this is my other sister, Tessa!” I interrupt, hoping Molly doesn’t remember what I said in the car on the way to meet her family when I mentioned how Alfanso D.’s mother probably tries to send text messages from the television remote.
 
My sisters take turns giving Molly hugs as well and my mother ushers all of us into the living room.
 
“I thought we could have a nice little chat while the lasagna is baking,” she says, taking a seat on the couch.
 
“Wow, you have so many books,” Molly exclaims, walking over to the bookshelf and glancing at all the titles.
 
“I usually prefer autobiographies, but my daughters keep buying me romance novels,” Mom tells her as Molly walks the length of the built-in bookshelf along the back wall. “I really enjoyed that Fifty Hues of Black. It was quite spicy.”
 
My sisters laugh and I try not to let this information ruin my appetite.
 
“Mom, it’s called…you know what? Never mind, I’m just glad you enjoy them,” Tessa laughs.
 
“Oh, my God. I can’t believe you have a copy of this,” Molly states.
 
I watch in horror as she pulls Seduction and Sugar off the shelf and turns around, holding it up.
 
Oh, fuck. Please let these crazy women remember that Molly doesn’t know I’m the author yet. Please, for the love of God. I promise I’ll go to church more than just on Christmas and Easter. I promise not to masturbate more than two…make that four, times a week. I will let Grandpa George skull-fuck me AND give me a minivan and I’ll say ten Hail Mary’s for saying the word ‘skull-fuck’ in this prayer.
 
“Wow, you even have a signed copy,” Molly muses as she flips open the front cover.
 
Thank fuck I wrote that dedication in Italian because I knew it would make my mother forgive me for writing a dirty cookbook.
 
“What does it say?” she asks.
 
“It says, ‘Thank you for loving this cookbook and for your kind email telling me I’m the most decent, dedicated and delightful man you’ve ever known.’” I quickly tell her before my mother can open her mouth.
 
My sisters both cover their mouths to hide their laughter and my mother gives me the stink eye. She was not happy when I told her she needed to keep quiet about this until I had a chance to tell her myself.
 
“Well, that’s…nice. And unexpected,” Molly mutters, turning around to slide the cookbook back on the shelf. “I’ve had a few exchanges with the author on Facebook and he’s a real piece of work.”
 
She turns back around and my mother pats the spot on the couch. Molly sits down and when I move to take the spot next to her, my mother quickly slides up against Molly, forcing me to sit on the other side of my mother. I plop down with a sigh as my sisters both sit down across from us on the love seat.
 
“Marco, did I tell you that guy asked me out on a date on Facebook?” Molly asks with a laugh.
 
“You don’t say?” I reply, glaring over at Rosa while she beams at me.
 
“I happened to be on the author’s page the other day and saw your comment to him,” Rosa tells her. “He really does sound like a momma’s boy. Nice job on the cutting the cord comment.”
 
If I glare at my sister any harder, I’m going to pop a blood vessel in my forehead.
 
Molly laughs and rests her elbow on the arm of the couch. “Thanks, I was pretty proud of that one. Of course the guy had to go and apologize and be all nice. I’m sure it was just a publicity stunt. Now I don’t know what to think about the whole date thing.”
 
“I think you should go,” Tessa pipes up.
 
“Um, hello?” I mutter in irritation, waving my hand in the air. “Person she’s already dating, sitting right here.”
 
Sure, we haven’t been on an official date yet and we haven’t had a chance to talk about being exclusive, but I think fake knocking her up and being a fake baby daddy gives me the right to call this thing between us whatever I want.
 
“You and that Alfanso D. sound a lot alike,” Rosa muses. “I bet if Molly agrees to go out with him, she’d probably find out you’re almost like the same person.”
 
Why couldn’t I have been an only child?
 
“I think I have enough on my plate right now, so I think I’ll stick to just dating your brother,” Molly laughs, looking behind my mother’s head to give me a wink.
 
“Marco tells me you just graduated from the school where he teaches,” my mother states, pulling Molly’s eyes from mine. “I hope my son was a good teacher.”
 
Mom gives me a dirty look, a nice little warning that she will kick my ass if she hears anything bad about me, quickly turning and smiling at Molly like she didn’t just silently threaten to end my life.
 
“He was a very good teacher, one of the best,” Molly tells her.
 
I’m too busy patting myself on the back to predict the next words out of my mother’s mouth.
 
“I wish he’d spend more time focusing on teaching instead of writing that porn,” she complains.
 
If we were in a bar, I’m pretty sure you’d be able to hear the screech of a needle sliding across a record as the entire place goes silent.