Baking and Babies

Page 47

 
Charlotte’s eyes get so wide I’m surprised they don’t pop out of her head. Sweat drips down from her forehead and she quickly presses her other hand on top of the first one, holding them both as hard as she can against her mouth.
 
“Honestly, Molly, if you want soup that bad just ask the caterer, there’s no need to yell,” Gavin complains while he continues consoling his wife.
 
As soon as Gavin says the word soup, Charlotte’s body jerks with a heave and she presses her hands harder against her face to keep the vomit in.
 
“I know I should go up there and do something, but it’s like I’m watching a bus full of people slam into a brick wall,” Ava mumbles. “It’s horrifying and mesmerizing at the same time.”
 
Molly holds the microphone against her mouth and leans in close to Charlotte.
 
“Say it, out loud,” Molly growls.
 
“Who is Edward, from Twilight?!” Drew shouts excitedly.
 
“Oh, I get it now. This is like a wedding version of Jeopardy. Soup and meat, soup and meat…” Jenny says, scratching her head as she thinks. “Oh, I know! What are astrophysicists?!”
 
Drew looks at her in confusion and she rolls her eyes.
 
“You know, like chocolate and oysters and other stuff that makes people horny,” Jenny explains.
 
“Say it, or I will!” Molly yells at Charlotte.
 
“Fine!” Charlotte shouts back, dropping her hands from her face and turning to look at Gavin.
 
“Molly was never pregnant. It was me the whole time, and I’m sorry for lying to you, but I was afraid you wouldn’t want to marry me and I love you so much, and I didn’t want to lose you and I just wanted us to have the perfect wedding, and I know you probably hate me now and Molly hates me and my parents hate me, and I just threw up in front of everyone I know and I’m sorry I made Molly do this for me, but it’s not my fault your boyfriend lied to you about writing porn and WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS SALAMI SMELL LIKE ROTTEN ASS?!” Charlotte screams at the end of her rambling explanation.
 
“Pumpkin Roll Punany, bro!” Tyler shouts, pounding his fist against his heart and then pointing at me with a wink and a big smile.
 
“Cheers, mother fuckers!” Molly yells as she leans back from Charlotte. “Gilmore, OUT!”
 
With that, Molly throws her arm out in front of her and drops the microphone as it screeches with more feedback, thumping loudly through the speakers when it hits the floor.
 
Everyone mumbles a confused “cheers” in response, but they don’t get a chance to drink when all of a sudden a loud, banshee-like scream comes out of Charlotte’s mouth as she jumps up from her chair and lunges at Molly.
 
Ava and I fly up from our chairs as Charlotte quickly grabs the tray of antipasto salad, jerking it in Molly’s direction as she charges her. Huge piles of salami and thinly sliced ham soar through the air and smack against the front of Molly’s dress.
 
“Let’s see how YOU like the meat sweats!” Charlotte screams as Molly reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out a fist-full of ham.
 
“I happen to LOVE the meat sweats! Too bad we don’t have any ground meat so I could shove it in your fat ass granny panties and you can see what it will be like to have a slimy, meaty vagina in a few months!” Molly screams back.
 
“I think I’m going to puke now,” Gavin mutters, pressing his hands to his stomach.
 
The parents and aunts and uncles all jump up from their table and join Ava and I in a race around the bridal table as Molly and Charlotte scream in unison and start whipping lunch meat at each other’s faces.
 
“EAT THE SLIMY HAM, YOU SLUTTY PREGNANT DICK!” Molly yells, snatching a clump of meat from the table and shoving it against Charlotte’s mouth with one hand while she grabs a handful of Charlotte’s veil and holds her head still with the other.
 
“YOU EAT IT, YOU PENIS-PUKING-PORN-WRITER-FUCKER-WHORE-FACE!” Charlotte screams back, jerking her face from side to side as Molly keeps trying to shove ham in her mouth.
 
Ava and I get to Molly first and we both wrap our arms around her, pulling her away from Charlotte as she kicks and screams and curses. Liz and Jim do the same to Charlotte, and we all manage to separate the girls as they continue to fling cold cuts at each other while we drag them apart.
 
Tyler quickly grabs the microphone from the floor where Molly dropped it, tapping on it a few times before addressing the crowd.
 
“And that concludes the dinner theater portion of the reception! How about we give these guys a hand for their amazing and artistic portrayal of a white trash family?!” Tyler says, clapping his hand against the microphone as the room slowly joins in. “Help yourself to the open bar and stay tuned for the next show in forty-five minutes. The famous author, Alfanso D. will be cooking up some tasty babies as a special treat for everyone!”
 
He sets down the microphone and the confused guests start getting up from their tables to head to the bar where hopefully there’s enough booze to make all of them black-out.
 
“You take care of this one, I’m going to help Mom and Dad,” Ava tells me, shoving Molly into my arms. “Fix her, or I will use the box of toothpicks in my grandfather’s pocket to filet your dick like a trout and shove it down your throat.”
 
My dick tries to claw its way up inside my body in fear when Ava gives me the two-finger warning, point at her eyes and then my crotch area before walking away.
 
Taking a deep breath, I turn Molly around to face me and quietly begin pulling pieces of ham and salami out of her hair.
 
“I ruined my sister’s wedding and you ruined my heart,” she whispers sadly.
 
Glancing behind her, I see Gavin down on his knees talking to Charlotte’s stomach with a huge smile on his face while the rest of her family laughs and jokes with each other around them.
 
“Only one of those things is true,” I tell her quietly as I peal off a slice of ham stuck to her shoulder and toss it to the floor. Gently turning her body around, I point to her family a few feet away.
 
“I can’t believe I’m going to be a dad!” Gavin says happily, placing another kiss to Charlotte’s stomach before jumping to his feet and pulling her in for a hug.
 
Charlotte nestles her face into the side of his neck and mumbles an apology.
 
“I’m sorry I lied to you. I should have told you the truth, I was just so scared of losing you. I’m such an idiot…” she trails off.
 
“You’re both idiots,” Claire tells them, glaring at Gavin. “How in the hell did you not realize your fiancé was pregnant when you live together?”
 
Gavin shrugs. “I mean, I knew she was acting different, but you always told me if I didn’t have anything nice to say that I shouldn’t say anything at all. What kind of a man would I be if I told the woman I love that I thought her ass was getting a little big?”
 
Charlotte starts crying and Gavin quickly backpedals. “I didn’t mean it like that! You have a GREAT ass!”
 
Drew steps forward and nods enthusiastically. “It’s true, you do. Tom Brady always grabs the gherkin when he looks at your ass.”
 
Molly turns away from them and I press my hands to her cheeks, tilting her face up to me.
 
“You have no idea how sorry I am.”
 
She sniffles, swiping angrily at a tear on her cheek. I hate myself for making her cry, but at least she’s not running away, refusing to listen. Judging by what just happened, I’m pretty sure she polished off more vodka than everyone in this room combined and who knows if she’ll even understand or remember what I’m about to say, but I know it’s the only chance I have to explain and I’m taking it whether she passes out or throws up.
 
Giving up on the meat since there seems to be a hell of a lot stuck to her and down the front of her dress, I grab her face and tilt it up so I can see her eyes.
 
“I’m sorry for lying to you,” I whisper. “It killed me to keep it from you, and I swear on my mother and sister’s lives that I’ve tried to tell you so many times the last few weeks. I’m sorry I’m such an asshole and kept putting it off because I was so afraid of losing you.”