Baking and Babies

Page 48

 
She sighs loudly and I start talking faster before she walks away.
 
“I was a jerk before we got together, and yes, I said and did a lot of stupid shit online just to get people to laugh and buy that stupid cookbook. You changed everything, Molly. You and your crazy family made me want things I never thought I did before. I’ve never been so tied up in knots or so scared or crazy. You make me crazy, and it’s the best thing that’s every happened to me,” I tell her softly.
 
“I was so scared to tell you the truth because I know how much you hate that guy. I hate him too but you have to know I’m not him anymore, and it’s because of you. It kills me knowing I hurt you and it breaks my heart that I’m the reason for your tears. Please, forgive me, Molly. If you give me one more chance, I promise I’ll never make you cry again. I’ll spend every day showing you I’m not that same jerk who exploited women for a stupid cookbook. Give me a chance to earn your trust again. I love you. I’ve waited my whole life for someone like you. Stay with me, say you’ll forgive me, and I will do anything. Whatever it takes.”
 
I stop talking and hold my breath until she finally speaks.
 
“You’ll do anything?” she asks.
 
My heart beats faster with excitement even though I shouldn’t get my hopes up. There is no way she’ll forgive me this easily and I don’t blame her.
 
I nod my head quickly in response.
 
“Whatever I ask?” she questions.
 
I nod again and she pushes up on her tiptoes and whispers softly in my ear. When she’s finished, she pulls away and I drop my hands from her face with a soft groan.
 
“Really? Right now?”
 
She takes a few steps back and grabs the microphone from the table where Tyler left it, her eyes never leaving mine as she comes back to me and holds it out in front of her.
 
“I’m covered in meat grease and announced to everyone I know that I puked on a dick because I drank half a bottle of vodka to try and stop my heart from hurting,” she tells me, pointing towards the room full of people. “Right here, right now.”
 
With a sigh, I bring the microphone up to my mouth.
 
“Excuse me, could I have everyone’s attention, please?”
 
The low hum of conversation in the room immediately quiets down and all eyes turn to me. I glance at Molly to see if she might change her mind, but she just crosses her arm and waits for me to do what she asked.
 
I look back out at the crowd and smile nervously.
 
“So, um, hello everyone. My name is Marco and I just want to thank you all for coming and tell you I masturbate into my socks. Like, a lot.”
 
I laugh uncomfortably at the silence in the room, looking over at Molly again to see her pull a piece of salami out of the front of her dress and take a bite. She motions to me with the half-eaten slice to continue, the meat flopping around in her hand as I look back out at the crowded room.
 
“I like how the soft, fuzzy cotton of tube socks feels against my penis. I am a tube-sock-masturbator, and I’m not ashamed to leave crusty, jizz-filled socks under my bed for my mom to find,” I say in a rush, quickly pulling the microphone away from my mouth.
 
“WE LOVE YOU, MINIVAN!” Drew screams.
 
The guests immediately go back to their drinks and conversation, no longer shocked about anything that happens at this point.
 
Tossing the microphone on top of the table, I wrap my arms around Molly’s waist and pull her against my body. “Am I forgiven now?”
 
She presses her hands against my chest and looks up at me.
 
“Not yet, but that definitely earned you a few bonus points,” she tells me with a smile.
 
I can finally start breathing normally again and I lean my face down to hers, needing to feel her lips against mine to reassure myself that everything will be okay.
 
Her hand comes up between us and she presses it against my lips right before they touch hers.
 
“I really want to kiss you even thought I’m still kind of pissed at you, but I think I’m ready to throw up all the vodka now. Eating that meat was a bad idea,” she whispers, moving her hand from my mouth to hold it over her own.
 
“Oooooh, does Molly have the meat sweats now?” Charlotte laughs as her and Gavin walk up to us with their arms wrapped around each other.
 
“I think it’s the vodka sweats,” I tell her as Molly bends forward and puts her hands on her knees while I rub her back.
 
“Oh, that’s nothing. Try having the night sweats because you’re becoming a changeling,” Jenny announces, walking over with Drew while Claire and Carter and Liz and Jim follow.
 
“Jesus, Jenny, how many times do I have to tell you it’s called going through the change, not becoming a fucking changeling?” Claire tells her.
 
Drew shakes his head sadly and pats her back. “Sweetie, you don’t have to make up stories about menopause. It’s okay to admit you’ve been waking up with hot flashes because you’re having sex dreams about poop sex. You’re amongst family and no one will judge you. I’ve accepted your fetish, and I promise to take a dump on you the next time I’ve got one ready.”
 
Molly groans down by my knees and I feel her pain as my stomach rolls with the need to puke right along with her.
 
“I’m going to pretend I never heard those words come out of your mouth and just say I’m glad you girls finally got your shit together and came clean,” Liz says. “Do you have any idea how hard it’s been to keep a straight face the last few weeks? Jesus, Claire and I deserve a fucking medal.”
 
Molly’s head pops up and she looks quickly between her mother and her aunt. “You knew? This entire time you knew we were lying?”
 
Liz and Claire share a look and start laughing.
 
“Duh. Do we look like idiots?” Liz asks.
 
“Do you think maybe you should have clued me in on this information?” Jim complains.
 
Liz glares at him. “I was going to until I found out that stain on my living room carpet is actually meerkat jizz and not chip dip, like you swore it was.”
 
Jim groans and Drew starts laughing. “Fucking Tom Brady. That little guy sure did appreciate turtle porn, let me tell you. I’ve never seen so much spooge come out of such a tiny animal.”
 
Molly immediately turns her head and relieves herself of that pesky vodka, all over my shoes while Charlotte does the same down the front of Gavin’s tux.
 
“But seriously,” Liz continues, like the pukefest isn’t even happening. “I kind of just wanted to see how far you guys would take it before putting you out of your misery, but then you three girls started getting along like real sisters and that seemed more important than the shit-show you were putting on for us.”
 
I’m not sure who is more shocked right now since Charlotte, Ava, Molly and I all share the same jaw-dropping looks of surprise.
 
“So, Molly’s not pregnant?” Drew asks.
 
Liz shakes her head. “Nope.”
 
“But she had sex, right? You had sex?” Drew asks, turning to look at Molly, still bent over down by my knees.
 
“Uh, yes?” Molly replies uncertainly.
 
“WOOOHOOO, Molly had sex!” Drew cheers, punching his fists in the air.
 
A painful ‘oof’ comes out of him when Jim punches him in the stomach. When Drew recovers, he holds his hands up in front of her to stop Jim from hitting him again.
 
“I know, I know! She’s my niece, and it’s disgusting I’m happy, but…it’s sex, dude!” Drew explains. “Sex is awesome! But, she’s my niece and I should be pissed. But sex is awesome!”
 
Drew crosses his arms and shakes his head. “I hate being so conflicted.”
 
Liz grabs Charlotte and Ava, pulling them over to Molly as she finally stands back up and takes a deep breath to calm her churning stomach.
 
“I almost smothered the three of you when you were toddlers and couldn’t get along. Then, I tried to sell you on eBay when all three of you had your periods at the same time and almost killed each other,” Liz tells them. “Now that you’re adults, I’m not ashamed to admit I’ve done research on turning you into mail-order brides and shipping you off to another country to make you someone else’s problem. Can you girls finally admit you love each other and stop acting like assholes?”