Becoming Calder
Page 28
I moved closer to him and stood up on my tiptoes to kiss his mouth as my hand continued to slide over him just under the surface.
"I love the way you feel," I murmured, breaking from his lips. "So different from me."
"I love the way you feel," he said, smiling and bringing his hands up to cup my br**sts. He rubbed his thumbs over my ni**les and we both watched as they hardened under his touch.
"Mmm," I sighed.
Calder jerked and swelled in my hand. "I want you again," he said, looking in my eyes, his voice sounding thick.
"Yes," I nodded, closing my own as the pleasure from his touch sent an electric spark straight between my legs.
"Are you . . . sore? I don't—"
I shook my head, stopping his words. "No, I'm not sore." I was sore, but the truth was, I wanted to be even more so. I wanted to feel Calder between my legs every time I took a step for the next two months. I wanted it as a reminder of what my sacrifice was for—why it would all be worth it in the end. In the end, Calder and I could do what we were doing anytime we wanted, without fear, without shame, without having to plan and conspire, and sneak out windows and down trails in the dead of night. Although for now, I wasn't complaining. For now, I'd take him any way I could, however I could, as many times as I could. He was mine for tonight.
Calder scooped me up and carried me out of the water as I laughed. He lay me back down on the blanket and moved between my legs. We were wet and the slight breeze chilled me, but then his warm skin was on mine and I sighed out in comfort. Calder kissed me, his mouth warm and wet and delicious. After a few minutes, we were both moaning and moving against each other, trying to get closer. How was it that Calder made my body feel heavy and full, yet too empty both at the same time? Within minutes, I was desperate to have him inside me. Was this normal? Was it normal Calder filled me with so much heady desperation? I had no way to know—no comparison—no one I could ask other than Hailey who hadn't even been comfortable talking about it. But it felt too good not to let myself enjoy it. It felt too necessary not to lose myself in the sensations Calder brought. Would the gods have created our bodies to experience so much pleasure if they didn't mean for us to? I didn't think so. I couldn't imagine the gods were that cruel, not when we were expressing our love for each other this way. And I did—I loved him. I loved him to the depths of my soul.
I felt the soft tip of Calder's shaft at my opening and I spread my legs wider to accommodate his narrow hips. He pushed inside me and we both moaned. He threaded his fingers through mine and brought both of my arms up and over my head and put his mouth on mine, licking my tongue with his own as he thrust leisurely inside me.
He took his mouth from mine and whispered, "I'm going to take it slow this time. We're going to burn every stroke, every touch, and every kiss into our skin so when we're back together, it will only then just be cooling. While we're apart, we'll still be keeping each other warm." He smiled against my mouth and I breathed out a laugh.
"Mmm," I murmured.
I loved the way he was holding my arms hostage as he stroked into me. I was being held down, but it made me feel safe and protected, because it made me realize I trusted this man with everything in me. I trusted him with my body and my heart. I trusted him with my life. I felt precious, loved.
The pleasure built as Calder leaned his head to the side and I heard and felt his breath right at my ear as his body glided slowly in and out of me, and the hard muscles of his chest rubbed against my br**sts. I brought my legs up around his h*ps and although I still felt tender inside, he glided in and out smoothly. I felt little bolts of pleasure each time his pelvis connected with mine.
"I love this. I love you, the feel of you, the smell of you, just you," Calder panted. I smiled. I loved how words started pouring out of him sometimes when we were physically intimate. It was another way he lost control and I loved it. I pressed up into him and sighed out blissfully.
Calder brought his mouth to mine, pressing the backs of my hands down into the blanket and kissed me deeply, our tongues swirling and dancing together. I submitted entirely, and although his movements were slow and languid, the intensity built inside me until I fell over the edge, crying out into the night as bright white pleasure streaked through me, causing me to arch up off the blanket, my abdomen meeting Calder's and my br**sts pressing into his chest.
When I opened my eyes, Calder was gazing down at me, eyes heavy-lidded with passion, lips just slightly parted. I watched him as his lids fluttered closed and his expression became strained with barely controlled lust. Then his strokes sped up and he thrust into me several more times before he pulled out of me—the hot, sticky substance pouring out onto my belly again—his face looking almost pained, but beautifully so. He dropped his head into the crook of my neck, groaned, and then let go of one of my hands and took his shaft in his hand as he rubbed the head of it on my belly, sighing.
I let go of his other hand and brought my arms around his back, drawing my fingernails up his arms. He leaned up and smiled at me, his eyes still sleepy-looking and kissed my lips sweetly.
"You're the most beautiful man in the whole wide world," I said.
Calder grinned, nuzzling the skin at my neck.
"Just wait until we get out in the big community. You'll see what a troll I really am. There's not a lot of competition here."
I laughed as Calder rolled off me and gathered me to him. We were both still slightly damp from the water, and now we were sticky and sweaty again, but I didn't care. I'd lay with him in the mess of us all night long.
I leaned up and put my chin on his chest and shook my head. "Uh, uh. I remember very little about the big society, but what I do know is you're not a troll anywhere."
Calder smiled and stroked my hair. I bit my lip and looked out to the spring.
"What?" he asked.
"Well, what about clothes and stuff? People don't wear what we wear here."
"Yes, I know. I see what people arrive here wearing. We'll figure all that stuff out. It's why we need a little time."
I nodded, biting my lip. "Are you afraid?"
Calder was quiet for a minute, staring up at the sky. "Sometimes. But mostly I'm filled with excitement for the future for the first time in my life." He looked down at me. "We've always lived with this great flood hanging over our heads, and, I don't know, it's hard to imagine a day when I don't use that as the compass for the way I spend each and every day. But I want that. I want to know what that feels like. I want to know what it's like to live without constantly thinking about dying."
"Even if dying's supposed to be glorious."
Calder nodded. "Yes. And maybe it is. But," he ran a hand through his hair, looking back up at the sky, "there are glorious things right here on earth, too, and I think they're meant to be enjoyed. We weren't created not to notice them . . . our hearts weren't made to not take joy in the things we've been given right here."
I snuggled into him, his skin warming me, and pulled half the blanket over my shoulders. I was so sleepy. "So you believe the great flood . . . it isn't true?" I yawned. I still didn't know exactly what I thought.
"I don't know," Calder said very quietly. "I used to believe in Hector so strongly. But he isn't the man, the leader, I always saw him as. He's not a man I want to follow any longer. And so if the floods do come, I'll take my chances with the rest of the people Hector considers sinners. I'm certainly among them in his mind anyway."
I nodded, growing sleepier, so warm and happy with Calder's arms around me.
"All I know for sure," I heard him whisper, "is that you belong to me and I'm going to protect you. I'm going to make a life for us. Somehow."
And I believed him.
The next thing I knew, Calder was shaking me gently. "Wake up, Eden, we have to get back."
I blinked and looked around, sitting up as Calder moved away from me. I oriented myself, suddenly realizing I'd be saying goodbye to him for quite some time. I stood. My breath hitched. I felt tears forming, and my chest ached. I hadn't known this pain before. "I'm going to miss you so much," I whispered.
Calder had picked up the blanket, but stopped folding it at my words. He set it down on the ground and moved toward me, wrapping me in his arms. He was already dressed and I was still nude. He hugged me to him tightly, his chin resting on the top of my head. "I love you so much, Morning Glory. Every single day we're apart, I'm going to be planning our life. It will get me through, and you remember that, too, when it gets hard. When wedding plans are going on around you, when you see Hector treating me like a dog, you remember I am planning our life and doing everything I can to make that happen. And I swear to you, we will leave here."
I nodded my head. "Okay."
Calder tilted my chin up with his finger and gazed into my eyes. "My brave girl," he smiled, "I won't worry about you because you are so strong. I'll know you're fine."
I nodded, resolve filling me. "I will be fine. I'll be strong and I will wait for that dumb call from Xander telling me to meet you right here."
Calder chuckled and pulled me back toward him. "It is a dumb bird call. Humor him though. He's pretty proud of it."
I grinned against his chest and we held each other for another minute, until I pulled away, and began pulling my clothes back on.
After I was dressed and the blanket was put back in the bag, I almost swung it over my shoulder, but thought better of it and set it down behind me between the rocks where the sketchpad was still kept. There was no reason to carry it with me back up the tree and across the roof. I turned back to Calder and smiled at him. "I'll see you here soon, very soon," I whispered.
"Yes," he said, "very soon." He took my face in his hands and kissed my lips softly and then rubbed his nose along mine tenderly. I kissed him one last time and turned to leave. I ducked through the opening in the rocks and hiked up the trail, knowing Calder would be behind me in a few minutes. I wondered if he'd leave the unlit candles where they were or take them back with him. I pictured somebody stumbling upon our little spring years and years from now, when we were long gone, and wondering what had gone on there, what it all meant. I couldn't help smiling to myself. Only he and I knew the story. It was only ours.
I climbed the tree easily and then tiptoed softly across the roof back to my window that I had left open just a crack. I pushed it up slowly, pausing when it creaked softly. When I didn't hear another sound, I opened it all the way and climbed through. Two minutes later, I was changed and in my bed.
The next morning, the only clues the beautiful night at the spring with Calder hadn't been a dream, were the delicious smell of him still on my skin and the glorious ache between my legs.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Calder
The morning after I made love to Eden at our spring, I sat down next to Xander in the community dining hall.
"Kicked out of the dogs' quarters? That's a low blow," Xander said, spooning scrambled eggs into his mouth.
I laughed a humorless laugh. "I don't know just yet. It's not like he let me eat up at the main lodge anyway."
Xander nodded, eyeing me and then looking back down at his empty plate. I knew him, he was trying to decide whether to go back for thirds.
"You look tired," I said, biting into a piece of buttered bread.
"Yeah, I can't imagine why. Maybe because I tossed and turned all night in the sick tent, waiting to get caught for posing as you."
I chewed, looking down. I had been kidding, but I hadn't realized Xander would be so nervous he wouldn't sleep at all. I had been selfish. Once I swallowed, I looked back at Xander. "I'm sorry, and thank you. I owe you."
Xander smirked. "Yeah, you owe me for about a hundred lifetimes. I've been keeping tally. You'll still be paying your debt to me in Elysium."
I grinned. "Happily."
Xander laughed, and then drained the rest of his orange juice. "Was it worth the risk?"
I pictured Eden's pale skin glowing in the moonlight, her eyes filled with love and passion and trust.
"I'd risk my life to relive last night," I said truthfully.
Xander studied me, a slow smile taking over his face. "Okay, then." His eyes made a slow survey of the mostly empty room and then came back to me. "I hope you didn't get her pregnant."
I felt heat rise in my face. "I know better," I said. We were both quiet for a minute.
"So," I finally said, smiling around my food, "let's get these plans underway so I can relive last night."
Xander was quiet for a minute as he looked off behind me. When he looked back at my face, he looked tense and I sobered, watching him.
"Gods, Calder," Xander said tensely, "this isn't only about you and Eden. I have my own dreams, too, you know. Life isn't all about you."
I set my cup down, frowning. "I know that," I said. I studied him for a few beats. "Hey, I'm sorry, I've been selfish. This is about you, too. I'd want to get out of here whether Eden existed or not. And I know you have your own dreams. I'd want you with me regardless of the circumstances. I'm sorry if I gave you any other impression."
Xander exhaled, making eye contact with me. He ran a hand through his hair and it flopped back down on his forehead. "I know. Damn this place." He shook his head. "I know. I'm just tired."
"Listen, Xander, we'd be doing this together anyway. Unfortunately, we're on a time limit because Eden's birthday is looming, so we have to do it sooner than I'd like. I'm sorry for that."
"I love the way you feel," I murmured, breaking from his lips. "So different from me."
"I love the way you feel," he said, smiling and bringing his hands up to cup my br**sts. He rubbed his thumbs over my ni**les and we both watched as they hardened under his touch.
"Mmm," I sighed.
Calder jerked and swelled in my hand. "I want you again," he said, looking in my eyes, his voice sounding thick.
"Yes," I nodded, closing my own as the pleasure from his touch sent an electric spark straight between my legs.
"Are you . . . sore? I don't—"
I shook my head, stopping his words. "No, I'm not sore." I was sore, but the truth was, I wanted to be even more so. I wanted to feel Calder between my legs every time I took a step for the next two months. I wanted it as a reminder of what my sacrifice was for—why it would all be worth it in the end. In the end, Calder and I could do what we were doing anytime we wanted, without fear, without shame, without having to plan and conspire, and sneak out windows and down trails in the dead of night. Although for now, I wasn't complaining. For now, I'd take him any way I could, however I could, as many times as I could. He was mine for tonight.
Calder scooped me up and carried me out of the water as I laughed. He lay me back down on the blanket and moved between my legs. We were wet and the slight breeze chilled me, but then his warm skin was on mine and I sighed out in comfort. Calder kissed me, his mouth warm and wet and delicious. After a few minutes, we were both moaning and moving against each other, trying to get closer. How was it that Calder made my body feel heavy and full, yet too empty both at the same time? Within minutes, I was desperate to have him inside me. Was this normal? Was it normal Calder filled me with so much heady desperation? I had no way to know—no comparison—no one I could ask other than Hailey who hadn't even been comfortable talking about it. But it felt too good not to let myself enjoy it. It felt too necessary not to lose myself in the sensations Calder brought. Would the gods have created our bodies to experience so much pleasure if they didn't mean for us to? I didn't think so. I couldn't imagine the gods were that cruel, not when we were expressing our love for each other this way. And I did—I loved him. I loved him to the depths of my soul.
I felt the soft tip of Calder's shaft at my opening and I spread my legs wider to accommodate his narrow hips. He pushed inside me and we both moaned. He threaded his fingers through mine and brought both of my arms up and over my head and put his mouth on mine, licking my tongue with his own as he thrust leisurely inside me.
He took his mouth from mine and whispered, "I'm going to take it slow this time. We're going to burn every stroke, every touch, and every kiss into our skin so when we're back together, it will only then just be cooling. While we're apart, we'll still be keeping each other warm." He smiled against my mouth and I breathed out a laugh.
"Mmm," I murmured.
I loved the way he was holding my arms hostage as he stroked into me. I was being held down, but it made me feel safe and protected, because it made me realize I trusted this man with everything in me. I trusted him with my body and my heart. I trusted him with my life. I felt precious, loved.
The pleasure built as Calder leaned his head to the side and I heard and felt his breath right at my ear as his body glided slowly in and out of me, and the hard muscles of his chest rubbed against my br**sts. I brought my legs up around his h*ps and although I still felt tender inside, he glided in and out smoothly. I felt little bolts of pleasure each time his pelvis connected with mine.
"I love this. I love you, the feel of you, the smell of you, just you," Calder panted. I smiled. I loved how words started pouring out of him sometimes when we were physically intimate. It was another way he lost control and I loved it. I pressed up into him and sighed out blissfully.
Calder brought his mouth to mine, pressing the backs of my hands down into the blanket and kissed me deeply, our tongues swirling and dancing together. I submitted entirely, and although his movements were slow and languid, the intensity built inside me until I fell over the edge, crying out into the night as bright white pleasure streaked through me, causing me to arch up off the blanket, my abdomen meeting Calder's and my br**sts pressing into his chest.
When I opened my eyes, Calder was gazing down at me, eyes heavy-lidded with passion, lips just slightly parted. I watched him as his lids fluttered closed and his expression became strained with barely controlled lust. Then his strokes sped up and he thrust into me several more times before he pulled out of me—the hot, sticky substance pouring out onto my belly again—his face looking almost pained, but beautifully so. He dropped his head into the crook of my neck, groaned, and then let go of one of my hands and took his shaft in his hand as he rubbed the head of it on my belly, sighing.
I let go of his other hand and brought my arms around his back, drawing my fingernails up his arms. He leaned up and smiled at me, his eyes still sleepy-looking and kissed my lips sweetly.
"You're the most beautiful man in the whole wide world," I said.
Calder grinned, nuzzling the skin at my neck.
"Just wait until we get out in the big community. You'll see what a troll I really am. There's not a lot of competition here."
I laughed as Calder rolled off me and gathered me to him. We were both still slightly damp from the water, and now we were sticky and sweaty again, but I didn't care. I'd lay with him in the mess of us all night long.
I leaned up and put my chin on his chest and shook my head. "Uh, uh. I remember very little about the big society, but what I do know is you're not a troll anywhere."
Calder smiled and stroked my hair. I bit my lip and looked out to the spring.
"What?" he asked.
"Well, what about clothes and stuff? People don't wear what we wear here."
"Yes, I know. I see what people arrive here wearing. We'll figure all that stuff out. It's why we need a little time."
I nodded, biting my lip. "Are you afraid?"
Calder was quiet for a minute, staring up at the sky. "Sometimes. But mostly I'm filled with excitement for the future for the first time in my life." He looked down at me. "We've always lived with this great flood hanging over our heads, and, I don't know, it's hard to imagine a day when I don't use that as the compass for the way I spend each and every day. But I want that. I want to know what that feels like. I want to know what it's like to live without constantly thinking about dying."
"Even if dying's supposed to be glorious."
Calder nodded. "Yes. And maybe it is. But," he ran a hand through his hair, looking back up at the sky, "there are glorious things right here on earth, too, and I think they're meant to be enjoyed. We weren't created not to notice them . . . our hearts weren't made to not take joy in the things we've been given right here."
I snuggled into him, his skin warming me, and pulled half the blanket over my shoulders. I was so sleepy. "So you believe the great flood . . . it isn't true?" I yawned. I still didn't know exactly what I thought.
"I don't know," Calder said very quietly. "I used to believe in Hector so strongly. But he isn't the man, the leader, I always saw him as. He's not a man I want to follow any longer. And so if the floods do come, I'll take my chances with the rest of the people Hector considers sinners. I'm certainly among them in his mind anyway."
I nodded, growing sleepier, so warm and happy with Calder's arms around me.
"All I know for sure," I heard him whisper, "is that you belong to me and I'm going to protect you. I'm going to make a life for us. Somehow."
And I believed him.
The next thing I knew, Calder was shaking me gently. "Wake up, Eden, we have to get back."
I blinked and looked around, sitting up as Calder moved away from me. I oriented myself, suddenly realizing I'd be saying goodbye to him for quite some time. I stood. My breath hitched. I felt tears forming, and my chest ached. I hadn't known this pain before. "I'm going to miss you so much," I whispered.
Calder had picked up the blanket, but stopped folding it at my words. He set it down on the ground and moved toward me, wrapping me in his arms. He was already dressed and I was still nude. He hugged me to him tightly, his chin resting on the top of my head. "I love you so much, Morning Glory. Every single day we're apart, I'm going to be planning our life. It will get me through, and you remember that, too, when it gets hard. When wedding plans are going on around you, when you see Hector treating me like a dog, you remember I am planning our life and doing everything I can to make that happen. And I swear to you, we will leave here."
I nodded my head. "Okay."
Calder tilted my chin up with his finger and gazed into my eyes. "My brave girl," he smiled, "I won't worry about you because you are so strong. I'll know you're fine."
I nodded, resolve filling me. "I will be fine. I'll be strong and I will wait for that dumb call from Xander telling me to meet you right here."
Calder chuckled and pulled me back toward him. "It is a dumb bird call. Humor him though. He's pretty proud of it."
I grinned against his chest and we held each other for another minute, until I pulled away, and began pulling my clothes back on.
After I was dressed and the blanket was put back in the bag, I almost swung it over my shoulder, but thought better of it and set it down behind me between the rocks where the sketchpad was still kept. There was no reason to carry it with me back up the tree and across the roof. I turned back to Calder and smiled at him. "I'll see you here soon, very soon," I whispered.
"Yes," he said, "very soon." He took my face in his hands and kissed my lips softly and then rubbed his nose along mine tenderly. I kissed him one last time and turned to leave. I ducked through the opening in the rocks and hiked up the trail, knowing Calder would be behind me in a few minutes. I wondered if he'd leave the unlit candles where they were or take them back with him. I pictured somebody stumbling upon our little spring years and years from now, when we were long gone, and wondering what had gone on there, what it all meant. I couldn't help smiling to myself. Only he and I knew the story. It was only ours.
I climbed the tree easily and then tiptoed softly across the roof back to my window that I had left open just a crack. I pushed it up slowly, pausing when it creaked softly. When I didn't hear another sound, I opened it all the way and climbed through. Two minutes later, I was changed and in my bed.
The next morning, the only clues the beautiful night at the spring with Calder hadn't been a dream, were the delicious smell of him still on my skin and the glorious ache between my legs.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Calder
The morning after I made love to Eden at our spring, I sat down next to Xander in the community dining hall.
"Kicked out of the dogs' quarters? That's a low blow," Xander said, spooning scrambled eggs into his mouth.
I laughed a humorless laugh. "I don't know just yet. It's not like he let me eat up at the main lodge anyway."
Xander nodded, eyeing me and then looking back down at his empty plate. I knew him, he was trying to decide whether to go back for thirds.
"You look tired," I said, biting into a piece of buttered bread.
"Yeah, I can't imagine why. Maybe because I tossed and turned all night in the sick tent, waiting to get caught for posing as you."
I chewed, looking down. I had been kidding, but I hadn't realized Xander would be so nervous he wouldn't sleep at all. I had been selfish. Once I swallowed, I looked back at Xander. "I'm sorry, and thank you. I owe you."
Xander smirked. "Yeah, you owe me for about a hundred lifetimes. I've been keeping tally. You'll still be paying your debt to me in Elysium."
I grinned. "Happily."
Xander laughed, and then drained the rest of his orange juice. "Was it worth the risk?"
I pictured Eden's pale skin glowing in the moonlight, her eyes filled with love and passion and trust.
"I'd risk my life to relive last night," I said truthfully.
Xander studied me, a slow smile taking over his face. "Okay, then." His eyes made a slow survey of the mostly empty room and then came back to me. "I hope you didn't get her pregnant."
I felt heat rise in my face. "I know better," I said. We were both quiet for a minute.
"So," I finally said, smiling around my food, "let's get these plans underway so I can relive last night."
Xander was quiet for a minute as he looked off behind me. When he looked back at my face, he looked tense and I sobered, watching him.
"Gods, Calder," Xander said tensely, "this isn't only about you and Eden. I have my own dreams, too, you know. Life isn't all about you."
I set my cup down, frowning. "I know that," I said. I studied him for a few beats. "Hey, I'm sorry, I've been selfish. This is about you, too. I'd want to get out of here whether Eden existed or not. And I know you have your own dreams. I'd want you with me regardless of the circumstances. I'm sorry if I gave you any other impression."
Xander exhaled, making eye contact with me. He ran a hand through his hair and it flopped back down on his forehead. "I know. Damn this place." He shook his head. "I know. I'm just tired."
"Listen, Xander, we'd be doing this together anyway. Unfortunately, we're on a time limit because Eden's birthday is looming, so we have to do it sooner than I'd like. I'm sorry for that."
