Before I Wake
Page 10
What about your classes? Are you having any trouble getting caught up? Did the school set you up with a tutor while you were out?
Theyd tried. But my father had insisted that he could help me with anything I didnt understand. The tutor finally accepted that as the truthafter my father hit him with a heavy dose of verbal Influence, his natural gift as a male bean sidhe.
Im not that far behind, I said with a shrug.
Well, if you decide you do want a tutor or need help scheduling any makeup exams, just let me know.
Im fine. Really, I insisted, but Ms. Hirsch only frowned like she didnt believe me. And why should she? What sixteen year old is fine four weeks after being stabbed by her math teacher?
Certainly not this one But that had less to do with what Mr. Beck had done to me than the thought of facing another mob like the one in the hall that morning. Beck was dead and gone, but the vultures were still alive and circling.
Im sure it must be very difficult being back here for you, Ms. Hirsch said, and I realized shed heard about the incident in the hall. I suspect youre dealing with a lot of unwanted attention today.
Yeah.
How do you feel youre coping with that?
I was trying to cope by fleeing school grounds during my free perioduntil Id been dragged into the counselors office. All I can really do is ignore them, right?
She nodded slowly. People, especially teenagers, are curious by nature, they dont always think about how their curiosity affects others. Peers may ask you directly or indirectly about what happened to you. But you have every right to tell them you dont want to talk about it with them. You should never feel guilty about that.
I didnt feel guilty. I didnt feelmuch of anything, except for the needa truly escalating driveto get as far away from school and my peers as possible.
I should have been a wreck. People were obviously waiting for me to fall apart at the seams and spill my emotional guts all over the floor, and some small part of me wished I could. I wished things were still simple enough that a good cry could purge all the bad stuff and give me a fresh start. But Id never felt less like crying, and I was all out of fresh starts. My mother had given me the only one I was allowed when I was three.
Im fine. Really, I said, and her frown deepened.
Kaylee, its perfectly normal to be upset for a very long time after something like what youve been through. It could be months before you start to feel anything like normal and that is perfectly okay.
Normal? Seriously?
So, what, theres a timeline for how long it should take me to get over being stabbed by my math teacher? Someonereally wrote that? How convenient! Does it happen to mention how long I should be upset about the fact that I had to kill him? Because honestly, with no guidelines in place, I might be tempted to linger in mourning for, like, a solid week. Is that too long?
Ms. Hirsch blinked. Then she pulled open a drawer and took a pamphlet from inside and slid it across the desk to me. This is the contact information for a group of survivors of violent crimes. I think it would be worth your time to
No, thank you. I pushed the pamphlet back toward her. She was only trying to help. I knew that. But I also knew that through no fault of her own, she was in way over her head. And honestly, shed probably been there all year, considering how many students and teachers Eastlake had lost under unexplained circumstances since the school year started. I really have to go, I said, picking up my backpack.
Ms. Hirsch exhaled slowly, then met my gaze again. Kaylee, this office is a safe space. She spread her arms to take in all four walls, then folded them on top of her desk, rumpling the pamphlet. You can say anything you need to say in here, and what you tell me is completely confidential. Im sure you have family and friends you can talk to, but sometimes it helps to talk to someone completely uninvolved. I want you to know that I can be that person for you. If things get too overwhelming at any point during the school day, I want you to come down here. We can talk. Or you can just sit in here and take a break. She placed her hands palms down on the desktop and her gaze intensified. Safe space. Please remember that.
Thanks. Thats good to know. I threw my backpack over my shoulder and practically ran out the door and through both sets of offices. In the bathroom, I had to take refuge in a stall, waiting for the small mid-third-period crowd to go back to class so I could blink out of the school without anyone seeing me disappear. While I waited, two sophomores whose names I couldnt remember chatted in front of the mirrors, like they had nowhere better to be. As soon as they started talking, I realized they hadnt seen me come in. If there was ever a time to use my new instantaneous method of transportation, this was it. But their conversation froze me in place.
I shouldnt have listened. But I couldnt help it.
The cops think he tried toyou know. And she fought back.
How do you know that?
My mom works in dispatch.
Well, I dont believe it. Mr. Beck could have had anyone he wanted, so why go after Kaylee Cavanaugh? And even if he did, its not like she would have said no. Shes a closet slut. She was with Scott Carter the day he was arrested, remember? Cheating on her boyfriend with his best friendher own sisters boyfriend.
Theyd tried. But my father had insisted that he could help me with anything I didnt understand. The tutor finally accepted that as the truthafter my father hit him with a heavy dose of verbal Influence, his natural gift as a male bean sidhe.
Im not that far behind, I said with a shrug.
Well, if you decide you do want a tutor or need help scheduling any makeup exams, just let me know.
Im fine. Really, I insisted, but Ms. Hirsch only frowned like she didnt believe me. And why should she? What sixteen year old is fine four weeks after being stabbed by her math teacher?
Certainly not this one But that had less to do with what Mr. Beck had done to me than the thought of facing another mob like the one in the hall that morning. Beck was dead and gone, but the vultures were still alive and circling.
Im sure it must be very difficult being back here for you, Ms. Hirsch said, and I realized shed heard about the incident in the hall. I suspect youre dealing with a lot of unwanted attention today.
Yeah.
How do you feel youre coping with that?
I was trying to cope by fleeing school grounds during my free perioduntil Id been dragged into the counselors office. All I can really do is ignore them, right?
She nodded slowly. People, especially teenagers, are curious by nature, they dont always think about how their curiosity affects others. Peers may ask you directly or indirectly about what happened to you. But you have every right to tell them you dont want to talk about it with them. You should never feel guilty about that.
I didnt feel guilty. I didnt feelmuch of anything, except for the needa truly escalating driveto get as far away from school and my peers as possible.
I should have been a wreck. People were obviously waiting for me to fall apart at the seams and spill my emotional guts all over the floor, and some small part of me wished I could. I wished things were still simple enough that a good cry could purge all the bad stuff and give me a fresh start. But Id never felt less like crying, and I was all out of fresh starts. My mother had given me the only one I was allowed when I was three.
Im fine. Really, I said, and her frown deepened.
Kaylee, its perfectly normal to be upset for a very long time after something like what youve been through. It could be months before you start to feel anything like normal and that is perfectly okay.
Normal? Seriously?
So, what, theres a timeline for how long it should take me to get over being stabbed by my math teacher? Someonereally wrote that? How convenient! Does it happen to mention how long I should be upset about the fact that I had to kill him? Because honestly, with no guidelines in place, I might be tempted to linger in mourning for, like, a solid week. Is that too long?
Ms. Hirsch blinked. Then she pulled open a drawer and took a pamphlet from inside and slid it across the desk to me. This is the contact information for a group of survivors of violent crimes. I think it would be worth your time to
No, thank you. I pushed the pamphlet back toward her. She was only trying to help. I knew that. But I also knew that through no fault of her own, she was in way over her head. And honestly, shed probably been there all year, considering how many students and teachers Eastlake had lost under unexplained circumstances since the school year started. I really have to go, I said, picking up my backpack.
Ms. Hirsch exhaled slowly, then met my gaze again. Kaylee, this office is a safe space. She spread her arms to take in all four walls, then folded them on top of her desk, rumpling the pamphlet. You can say anything you need to say in here, and what you tell me is completely confidential. Im sure you have family and friends you can talk to, but sometimes it helps to talk to someone completely uninvolved. I want you to know that I can be that person for you. If things get too overwhelming at any point during the school day, I want you to come down here. We can talk. Or you can just sit in here and take a break. She placed her hands palms down on the desktop and her gaze intensified. Safe space. Please remember that.
Thanks. Thats good to know. I threw my backpack over my shoulder and practically ran out the door and through both sets of offices. In the bathroom, I had to take refuge in a stall, waiting for the small mid-third-period crowd to go back to class so I could blink out of the school without anyone seeing me disappear. While I waited, two sophomores whose names I couldnt remember chatted in front of the mirrors, like they had nowhere better to be. As soon as they started talking, I realized they hadnt seen me come in. If there was ever a time to use my new instantaneous method of transportation, this was it. But their conversation froze me in place.
I shouldnt have listened. But I couldnt help it.
The cops think he tried toyou know. And she fought back.
How do you know that?
My mom works in dispatch.
Well, I dont believe it. Mr. Beck could have had anyone he wanted, so why go after Kaylee Cavanaugh? And even if he did, its not like she would have said no. Shes a closet slut. She was with Scott Carter the day he was arrested, remember? Cheating on her boyfriend with his best friendher own sisters boyfriend.
