Before I Wake
Page 13
Everything that came naturally to everyone else would be a constant effort for me. So much to remember. So much to hide. So much to lose.
Suddenly keeping up with appearances didnt seem worth the work.
You wont have to pretend forever, Tod said. One more year of high school, and then you can do whatever you want. Universities dont hold students captive, so you could pop on and off campus at will, if you want to go to college. Or we could justhang out.
Forever? The very concept of foreverof time without endwas too daunting to truly contemplate. Doing nothing for a millennia of spare timeeven nothing with Toddidnt seem possible. Surely Id lose my mind.
What about you? What do you want? In all the conversations wed had in the past monthspilling secrets, doubts, wants, and hopesit had never occurred to me to ask that.
I have what I want. His hand squeezed mine again, but it felt like he was squeezing my heart. Theres plenty of time to figure the rest out. Hopefully itll go something like this .
He leaned in for another kiss, and it took every single bit of willpower I had to pull away from him, when what I really wanted to do was climb into his lap, and bury my hands in his hair, and make a private spectacle of us both. Id never had an urge so strong, and the reasons to resist were suddenly frighteningly vague.
Oh, yeah. Work. And school.
I thought you had souls to reap I whispered, staring into the desire swirling in his eyes, wondering if he could see mine reflected back at him.
Theyll wait.
Im trying to do the mature thing here. I groaned when he pulled me close again.
Im not.
Why do I always have to be the one who says stop? I demanded, my voice little more than a moan.
You dont. In fact, at this point Im considering a petition to have that word stricken from the English language. His grin was almost lazy, the gleam in his eyes an effortless challenge. If I did, would you sign?
No fair. If there was a pen in my hand right now, Id sign whatever you put in front of me.
Good thing Im not a hellion.
He was kidding, but thinking about Avari accomplished what Id lacked the willpower to do on my own. Playtime was over.
I better get back. But Ill see you at lunch?
Yeah, but I might be late. I want to check in at work after my shift and see if anyone else has spotted Thane.
Okay. I gave him another quick kiss, then blinked out of the hospital and into a bathroom in the food court across the street from school, where I picked up a bag full of burgers and fries. Then, just forfun, I blinked into Emmas third-period art class, careful that no one else could see or hear me, and leaned over her shoulder.
Lunch is on me.
Em yelped, and when she jumped, she accidentally painted a long yellow line across the canvas shed been working on. Everyone looked up, and Em apologized, mumbling something about a bee buzzing around her head, then glared at me before turning back to her painting. Not funny, she breathed, like she was talking to herself.
Sorry, I said. But it was kind of funny, and laughing felt good, even if no one else could share the moment of levity with me. I understood then why Tod had stayed near his family after he died. The living bring out what life remains in the dead. I was drawn to my friends and family, and when I couldnt be with them, the worldmy entire afterlifefelt so much emptier in their absence.
I blinked into the empty quad and sat at the picnic table Em and I had shared with Nash and Sabine until the week Id died, and since no one was watching, I concentrated on pulling myself onto the physical plane right there in the open. Then I munched on fries from my bag until the bell rang.
Unfortunately, Id failed to factor my new infamy into my lunch plans.
The first few people who entered the quad with lunch trays glanced at me, then sat at their own tables and stared while they ate. The gawking wasnt polite, but it wasnt truly invasive, either, so I could deal. Then the quad started to fill up and more people stared, upping the ante with a little obvious gossip. But before long, people I actually had classes withthe ones whod known who I was before Beck stabbed mestarted asking if they could join me.
Most of them sat without waiting for an answer.
To their credit, they were outwardly polite. Most asked how I was feeling and several offered to help with my makeup work. One idiot even asked me to the prom. I could only stutter in response.
When my table filled up before Em and Jayson arrived, I started to panic again. I was sick of questions, and stares, and friends who hadnt been my friends before. I wanted nothing to do with any of it. I just wanted to disappear.
And as soon as I had that thought, it started to happen. I could feel itI could feel myself slipping out of the physical planeand it took all of my concentration to remain visible. I propped my elbows on the table and buried my face in my hands, chanting to myself silently.
I want to be here. I want to be here. Iwanttobehere. But that wasnt true, and it didnt help.
Unfortunately, the rest of the table mistook my concentration for pain and everyone started asking me if I was okay. If there was something they could get me. Someone even tried to pull my hands away from my face to make sure I was still conscious. Evidently Id stopped breathing.
Suddenly keeping up with appearances didnt seem worth the work.
You wont have to pretend forever, Tod said. One more year of high school, and then you can do whatever you want. Universities dont hold students captive, so you could pop on and off campus at will, if you want to go to college. Or we could justhang out.
Forever? The very concept of foreverof time without endwas too daunting to truly contemplate. Doing nothing for a millennia of spare timeeven nothing with Toddidnt seem possible. Surely Id lose my mind.
What about you? What do you want? In all the conversations wed had in the past monthspilling secrets, doubts, wants, and hopesit had never occurred to me to ask that.
I have what I want. His hand squeezed mine again, but it felt like he was squeezing my heart. Theres plenty of time to figure the rest out. Hopefully itll go something like this .
He leaned in for another kiss, and it took every single bit of willpower I had to pull away from him, when what I really wanted to do was climb into his lap, and bury my hands in his hair, and make a private spectacle of us both. Id never had an urge so strong, and the reasons to resist were suddenly frighteningly vague.
Oh, yeah. Work. And school.
I thought you had souls to reap I whispered, staring into the desire swirling in his eyes, wondering if he could see mine reflected back at him.
Theyll wait.
Im trying to do the mature thing here. I groaned when he pulled me close again.
Im not.
Why do I always have to be the one who says stop? I demanded, my voice little more than a moan.
You dont. In fact, at this point Im considering a petition to have that word stricken from the English language. His grin was almost lazy, the gleam in his eyes an effortless challenge. If I did, would you sign?
No fair. If there was a pen in my hand right now, Id sign whatever you put in front of me.
Good thing Im not a hellion.
He was kidding, but thinking about Avari accomplished what Id lacked the willpower to do on my own. Playtime was over.
I better get back. But Ill see you at lunch?
Yeah, but I might be late. I want to check in at work after my shift and see if anyone else has spotted Thane.
Okay. I gave him another quick kiss, then blinked out of the hospital and into a bathroom in the food court across the street from school, where I picked up a bag full of burgers and fries. Then, just forfun, I blinked into Emmas third-period art class, careful that no one else could see or hear me, and leaned over her shoulder.
Lunch is on me.
Em yelped, and when she jumped, she accidentally painted a long yellow line across the canvas shed been working on. Everyone looked up, and Em apologized, mumbling something about a bee buzzing around her head, then glared at me before turning back to her painting. Not funny, she breathed, like she was talking to herself.
Sorry, I said. But it was kind of funny, and laughing felt good, even if no one else could share the moment of levity with me. I understood then why Tod had stayed near his family after he died. The living bring out what life remains in the dead. I was drawn to my friends and family, and when I couldnt be with them, the worldmy entire afterlifefelt so much emptier in their absence.
I blinked into the empty quad and sat at the picnic table Em and I had shared with Nash and Sabine until the week Id died, and since no one was watching, I concentrated on pulling myself onto the physical plane right there in the open. Then I munched on fries from my bag until the bell rang.
Unfortunately, Id failed to factor my new infamy into my lunch plans.
The first few people who entered the quad with lunch trays glanced at me, then sat at their own tables and stared while they ate. The gawking wasnt polite, but it wasnt truly invasive, either, so I could deal. Then the quad started to fill up and more people stared, upping the ante with a little obvious gossip. But before long, people I actually had classes withthe ones whod known who I was before Beck stabbed mestarted asking if they could join me.
Most of them sat without waiting for an answer.
To their credit, they were outwardly polite. Most asked how I was feeling and several offered to help with my makeup work. One idiot even asked me to the prom. I could only stutter in response.
When my table filled up before Em and Jayson arrived, I started to panic again. I was sick of questions, and stares, and friends who hadnt been my friends before. I wanted nothing to do with any of it. I just wanted to disappear.
And as soon as I had that thought, it started to happen. I could feel itI could feel myself slipping out of the physical planeand it took all of my concentration to remain visible. I propped my elbows on the table and buried my face in my hands, chanting to myself silently.
I want to be here. I want to be here. Iwanttobehere. But that wasnt true, and it didnt help.
Unfortunately, the rest of the table mistook my concentration for pain and everyone started asking me if I was okay. If there was something they could get me. Someone even tried to pull my hands away from my face to make sure I was still conscious. Evidently Id stopped breathing.
