Before I Wake
Page 56
I nodded, but I felt like there was still blood on my hands, and no matter how hard I scrubbed, theyd never come clean.
Tods gaze met mine again, and his irises swirled with a single tight burst of color, then went still as he got control over them. Do you want me to? His focus shifted to my shirt again, and I realized that it would have to come off. I can step outside if you want.
Stay, I said, and his irises swirled again. Stay with me, please. I dont want to be alone.
Tods gaze met mine. Youll never be alone again, Kaylee.
My hands shook as I pushed the first button through the hole, and that burst of color was back in his eyes. The second button slid free and Tods gaze never left mine, but he was breathing harder. It took me a moment to realize I was breathing again, too. And that my inhalations had matched the rhythm of his.
His gaze burned into mine, like he could see past my eyes into parts of me no one had ever seen, and I knew I was seeing the same in him. No one else had ever seen him so vulnerable before, like if I pushed him away, he might crumble into pieces that could never be put together again. Yet there was strength, too. He was strong beneath that fragile need, and I knew that I could never fall with him next to me. If I tripped, he would catch me. If I lost my balance, he would find it.
I wanted to be those things for him, too. His strength. His balance.
I found the third button and flinched. It was sticky and cold with drying blood. I didnt want to touch it.
Do you want me to get it? Tod asked, and that complicated mix of strength and vulnerability echoed in his voice, deeper than it should have been, like his question meant more than what his words actually asked.
I nodded. Take it off. Get rid of it. Please.
He reached for me, and his gaze held mine until the last possible moment before his focus shifted to his fingers on my shirt. To the button, as he slid it through the hole, then moved on to the next. His fingers brushed my skin as he worked his way lower, and I sucked in a deep breath. My eyes closed again, and I let my head fall back against the shelf above the tank.
I didnt realize he was finished until he whispered, Lean forward. So I did, and his hands slid over my shoulders, pushing the material down slowly until I could pull my arms from the short sleeves.
Then my shirt was gone, and so were his hands. I opened my eyes just as he turned the hot water on again and rinsed the rag beneath it. He wrung the cloth out, then took my hand in his warm, damp one. Stand up.
I stood, and he knelt in front of me. The cloth was scratchy on my skin, and each stroke was torturously short and deliciously hot as he worked his way across my stomach. When he was finished, he laid the rag across the tub again and his hands found myhips. He kissed the dimple above my navel, and his hair brushed my stomach, so soft I had to touch it.
His grip on my hips tightened and he exhaled against my stomach. Every time I see you, I want to touch you, and Im still a little stunned every time you let me.
Why? I whispered. If anything, I was the lucky one.
Because this feels too good to be true, so I keep expecting something to ruin it. When I saw you covered in blood, I thought it was happening again, the way it was supposed to last time. I thought Thane got to you.
Im fine. Physically, anyway.
Not much scares me anymore, but Im terrified of losing you, Kaylee. His lips skimmed my stomach again, and I closed my eyes as my hands curled in his hair. I dont want to let you go long enough for that to happen.
Then dont. Nothing else feels right, I confessed. I couldnt tell anyone else what I was telling him, because no one else would understand. They were worried enough about me already. Everything that isnt us is pain, and blood, and death. Or nothing at all. Everything that doesnt hurt is justemptiness. It closes in on me when Im alone, and I hate it, but I cant fight it. Food doesnt taste right. Music sounds flat and tinny. Colors look dull and faded. Why? Whats wrong with me?
Nothing. It wont be like this forever, Kaylee, he promised, his lips brushing my skin with each word, his breath hot on my stomach. Your body and your mind are still adjusting to the afterlife. You have to give your senses time to readjust.
You feel good. I lifted his chin and his gaze met mine again. Why are you the only thing in the world that feels good right now?
I dont know. He stood, and his hands trailed slowly up my sides. But Im not gonna question it.
I know why, I said as his lips met mine and he reminded me that he tasted as good as he felt. My hands slid beneath his shirt and my mouth fed from his. When he kissed his way along my jaw, I let my head fall back. Its because I love you, I whispered, and I could feel his heartbeat speed up. Id never actually told him. Id been scared to, because it was too fast, and too crazy, and
I love you, too, he said, his lips brushing my ear. Eternity isnt long enough.
My heartbeat raced to match his, and I pushed him back just enough that I could see his eyes. I want to feel something good. Something real. Something that isnt bitter, or cold, or ugly. I stood on my toes to whisper the rest in his ear. I want to feel alive again, Tod. Make me feel alive.
Tods gaze met mine again, and his irises swirled with a single tight burst of color, then went still as he got control over them. Do you want me to? His focus shifted to my shirt again, and I realized that it would have to come off. I can step outside if you want.
Stay, I said, and his irises swirled again. Stay with me, please. I dont want to be alone.
Tods gaze met mine. Youll never be alone again, Kaylee.
My hands shook as I pushed the first button through the hole, and that burst of color was back in his eyes. The second button slid free and Tods gaze never left mine, but he was breathing harder. It took me a moment to realize I was breathing again, too. And that my inhalations had matched the rhythm of his.
His gaze burned into mine, like he could see past my eyes into parts of me no one had ever seen, and I knew I was seeing the same in him. No one else had ever seen him so vulnerable before, like if I pushed him away, he might crumble into pieces that could never be put together again. Yet there was strength, too. He was strong beneath that fragile need, and I knew that I could never fall with him next to me. If I tripped, he would catch me. If I lost my balance, he would find it.
I wanted to be those things for him, too. His strength. His balance.
I found the third button and flinched. It was sticky and cold with drying blood. I didnt want to touch it.
Do you want me to get it? Tod asked, and that complicated mix of strength and vulnerability echoed in his voice, deeper than it should have been, like his question meant more than what his words actually asked.
I nodded. Take it off. Get rid of it. Please.
He reached for me, and his gaze held mine until the last possible moment before his focus shifted to his fingers on my shirt. To the button, as he slid it through the hole, then moved on to the next. His fingers brushed my skin as he worked his way lower, and I sucked in a deep breath. My eyes closed again, and I let my head fall back against the shelf above the tank.
I didnt realize he was finished until he whispered, Lean forward. So I did, and his hands slid over my shoulders, pushing the material down slowly until I could pull my arms from the short sleeves.
Then my shirt was gone, and so were his hands. I opened my eyes just as he turned the hot water on again and rinsed the rag beneath it. He wrung the cloth out, then took my hand in his warm, damp one. Stand up.
I stood, and he knelt in front of me. The cloth was scratchy on my skin, and each stroke was torturously short and deliciously hot as he worked his way across my stomach. When he was finished, he laid the rag across the tub again and his hands found myhips. He kissed the dimple above my navel, and his hair brushed my stomach, so soft I had to touch it.
His grip on my hips tightened and he exhaled against my stomach. Every time I see you, I want to touch you, and Im still a little stunned every time you let me.
Why? I whispered. If anything, I was the lucky one.
Because this feels too good to be true, so I keep expecting something to ruin it. When I saw you covered in blood, I thought it was happening again, the way it was supposed to last time. I thought Thane got to you.
Im fine. Physically, anyway.
Not much scares me anymore, but Im terrified of losing you, Kaylee. His lips skimmed my stomach again, and I closed my eyes as my hands curled in his hair. I dont want to let you go long enough for that to happen.
Then dont. Nothing else feels right, I confessed. I couldnt tell anyone else what I was telling him, because no one else would understand. They were worried enough about me already. Everything that isnt us is pain, and blood, and death. Or nothing at all. Everything that doesnt hurt is justemptiness. It closes in on me when Im alone, and I hate it, but I cant fight it. Food doesnt taste right. Music sounds flat and tinny. Colors look dull and faded. Why? Whats wrong with me?
Nothing. It wont be like this forever, Kaylee, he promised, his lips brushing my skin with each word, his breath hot on my stomach. Your body and your mind are still adjusting to the afterlife. You have to give your senses time to readjust.
You feel good. I lifted his chin and his gaze met mine again. Why are you the only thing in the world that feels good right now?
I dont know. He stood, and his hands trailed slowly up my sides. But Im not gonna question it.
I know why, I said as his lips met mine and he reminded me that he tasted as good as he felt. My hands slid beneath his shirt and my mouth fed from his. When he kissed his way along my jaw, I let my head fall back. Its because I love you, I whispered, and I could feel his heartbeat speed up. Id never actually told him. Id been scared to, because it was too fast, and too crazy, and
I love you, too, he said, his lips brushing my ear. Eternity isnt long enough.
My heartbeat raced to match his, and I pushed him back just enough that I could see his eyes. I want to feel something good. Something real. Something that isnt bitter, or cold, or ugly. I stood on my toes to whisper the rest in his ear. I want to feel alive again, Tod. Make me feel alive.
