Before I Wake
Page 80
How can I be in shock, if Im dead? I sank into the chair and laid my hands in my lap, palms up. And when I remembered why my hands were messy, the chattering got worse.
Thats actually a really good sign. It means that youre still tapped into your humanity. If you werent upset right now, Id be worried. Well, more worried.
I should have been glad to hear that I wasnt turning into an emotionless undead monsterlike Thanebut I couldnt think past the blood on my hands and the memory of Alec staring up at me in agony as he died. This doesnt feel like a good sign. And for the first time since Id been restored to my body, I understood that it might actually be easier to let my humanity goto divorce myself from emotion entirelythan to watch loved one after loved one die, or to live with the guilt of what Id done to Alec.
Was that what had gone wrong with Thane? Had he given up his humanity to avoid suffering guilt and loss? If I took the easy way out, would I turn out just like he had?
Youve only been dead for a month, Tod said, drawing me out of the most terrifying temptation Id ever experienced. Your emotions are going to be inconsistent for a while. His voice sounded kind of distant, muffled by the sound of running water. Sometimes its hard to feel anything, then suddenly you feel everything all at once, and I honestly couldnt tell you which of those is harder to deal with.
This. My voice sounded hollow. Why did my voice sound hollow? This is the hardest to deal with. The numbness Id been resisting for weeks was suddenly the most appealing thought in the world.
But Tod had made it. Hed held on to his humanity in spite of the pain, and if he could do it, I could do it.
Come here. Tod stepped into the doorway, and thats when I realized hed left the room in the first place.
I stood and took two steps toward him. Then I stopped and glanced around. The room was tinyspace only for the twin bed, armchair, and a small television on a cart. Where are we?
He tugged me into the other room with him and I realized it was a bathroom. A tiny bathroom, with a shorter-than-standard shower/tub combo, a toilet, and a pedestal sink, with hardly any room between them. Water was running in the tub. Steaming water.
This is my place. Tod slid his hands beneath the sides of my shirt, and his skin was so warm. I closed my eyes and just felt him for a moment, blocking everything else out. Because everything else hurt. Then his hands moved, pulling my shirt up, and the way the cotton clung to my skin, sticky with blood, made me gag. Arms up, he ordered softly, and I couldnt comply fast enough.
You have a place? Think about the place. Tods place.
Dont thinkabout Alec.
Dont think about the knife.
Dont think about the blood.
It was supposed to be a surprise. Everyone gets a locker, but there arent enough rooms for all the reapers, and Im kinda low on seniority, he said, and I wondered if he was talking just so Id have something to listen to. To keep my mind off things I shouldnt think. That never mattered before, thoughI always just hung out at my moms house when I wasnt working, whether they could see me or not. But after you died He shrugged, then tugged the sticky material over my head, careful not to let it touch my face. I put my name on the waiting list the next day. This spot opened up yesterday.
Yesterday? That was good timing. Too good. Because of Mareth My eyes closed, denying this new layer of pain when I had yet to deal with the others. They were too heavy. I could hardly move. This was Mareths room?
I dont know. Maybe. He dropped my shirt on the floor, in the corner, then turned me by my shoulders and unhooked my bra. But shes not the only one missing. Two more reapers have disappeared in the past few days. One before her. One after her.
And you inherited a room.
Yeah. He reached for the button on my jeans, but I brushed his hand away. I could do it. I wasnt a baby.
Because Levi doesnt think theyre coming back. I slid my jeans over my hips and stepped out of them one leg at a time.
Yeah. Tod reached over to turn the water off while I stepped out of my underwear, and I was already calf-deep in the water before I realized I was naked. In front of him. I should have been embarrassed, or at least nervous. Id been naked with him before, obviously, but last time thered been more touching than looking.
But he wasnt looking now. He was very obviously not-looking, which was good, because I couldnt think about being naked. Not until the blood was gone. The water was pink with it.
There was so much blood.
Tod set a bottle of guy-shampoo on the edge of the tub, along with a bottle of guy-body wash. Im going to gotake care of things. Ill bring some clean clothes, too.
I caught his hand, and finally he looked at me. At my eyes, which were wet again, and I wondered if we could both pretend Id gotten bathwater in them. Dont leave.
Please dont leave .
Ill be back. Youre safe here. No one else can get in. Theres no door.
No door? I hadnt noticed, but now that hed mentioned it, I realized he was right. The other room had no door, except the one leading to the bathroom.
Thats actually a really good sign. It means that youre still tapped into your humanity. If you werent upset right now, Id be worried. Well, more worried.
I should have been glad to hear that I wasnt turning into an emotionless undead monsterlike Thanebut I couldnt think past the blood on my hands and the memory of Alec staring up at me in agony as he died. This doesnt feel like a good sign. And for the first time since Id been restored to my body, I understood that it might actually be easier to let my humanity goto divorce myself from emotion entirelythan to watch loved one after loved one die, or to live with the guilt of what Id done to Alec.
Was that what had gone wrong with Thane? Had he given up his humanity to avoid suffering guilt and loss? If I took the easy way out, would I turn out just like he had?
Youve only been dead for a month, Tod said, drawing me out of the most terrifying temptation Id ever experienced. Your emotions are going to be inconsistent for a while. His voice sounded kind of distant, muffled by the sound of running water. Sometimes its hard to feel anything, then suddenly you feel everything all at once, and I honestly couldnt tell you which of those is harder to deal with.
This. My voice sounded hollow. Why did my voice sound hollow? This is the hardest to deal with. The numbness Id been resisting for weeks was suddenly the most appealing thought in the world.
But Tod had made it. Hed held on to his humanity in spite of the pain, and if he could do it, I could do it.
Come here. Tod stepped into the doorway, and thats when I realized hed left the room in the first place.
I stood and took two steps toward him. Then I stopped and glanced around. The room was tinyspace only for the twin bed, armchair, and a small television on a cart. Where are we?
He tugged me into the other room with him and I realized it was a bathroom. A tiny bathroom, with a shorter-than-standard shower/tub combo, a toilet, and a pedestal sink, with hardly any room between them. Water was running in the tub. Steaming water.
This is my place. Tod slid his hands beneath the sides of my shirt, and his skin was so warm. I closed my eyes and just felt him for a moment, blocking everything else out. Because everything else hurt. Then his hands moved, pulling my shirt up, and the way the cotton clung to my skin, sticky with blood, made me gag. Arms up, he ordered softly, and I couldnt comply fast enough.
You have a place? Think about the place. Tods place.
Dont thinkabout Alec.
Dont think about the knife.
Dont think about the blood.
It was supposed to be a surprise. Everyone gets a locker, but there arent enough rooms for all the reapers, and Im kinda low on seniority, he said, and I wondered if he was talking just so Id have something to listen to. To keep my mind off things I shouldnt think. That never mattered before, thoughI always just hung out at my moms house when I wasnt working, whether they could see me or not. But after you died He shrugged, then tugged the sticky material over my head, careful not to let it touch my face. I put my name on the waiting list the next day. This spot opened up yesterday.
Yesterday? That was good timing. Too good. Because of Mareth My eyes closed, denying this new layer of pain when I had yet to deal with the others. They were too heavy. I could hardly move. This was Mareths room?
I dont know. Maybe. He dropped my shirt on the floor, in the corner, then turned me by my shoulders and unhooked my bra. But shes not the only one missing. Two more reapers have disappeared in the past few days. One before her. One after her.
And you inherited a room.
Yeah. He reached for the button on my jeans, but I brushed his hand away. I could do it. I wasnt a baby.
Because Levi doesnt think theyre coming back. I slid my jeans over my hips and stepped out of them one leg at a time.
Yeah. Tod reached over to turn the water off while I stepped out of my underwear, and I was already calf-deep in the water before I realized I was naked. In front of him. I should have been embarrassed, or at least nervous. Id been naked with him before, obviously, but last time thered been more touching than looking.
But he wasnt looking now. He was very obviously not-looking, which was good, because I couldnt think about being naked. Not until the blood was gone. The water was pink with it.
There was so much blood.
Tod set a bottle of guy-shampoo on the edge of the tub, along with a bottle of guy-body wash. Im going to gotake care of things. Ill bring some clean clothes, too.
I caught his hand, and finally he looked at me. At my eyes, which were wet again, and I wondered if we could both pretend Id gotten bathwater in them. Dont leave.
Please dont leave .
Ill be back. Youre safe here. No one else can get in. Theres no door.
No door? I hadnt noticed, but now that hed mentioned it, I realized he was right. The other room had no door, except the one leading to the bathroom.
