Before I Wake
Page 87
Tod nodded.
A few minutes later, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and froze in surprise when I heard my dad and Tod talking in the hall. Curious, I pressed my ear against the crack between the door and its frame, careful not to let the wood creak.
I hate it when she cries, my father said, his voice low and soft, and difficult to hear.
Me, too, Tod said. Nothing makes me feel more helpless. Id kill anyone who tries to hurt her, but I cant save her from herself.
Youd kill for her? My fathers voice was still. Deliberate. This was a test, and I didnt know the right answer. But Tod didnt hesitate.
In a heartbeat. There was a moment of silence, and I peered through the crack, desperately trying to see them, but I couldnt even see their shadows. Mr. Cavanaugh, I know this isnt the future you wanted for Kaylee, and I know Im not who you wanted for her. And Im not even going to pretend to think Im good enoughI know Ive made mistakes, and Im probably going to make more. But I love her with every single cell in my body. Shes the reason my heart beatsliterally. Theres nothing I wouldnt do for her. Theres no one Id put ahead of her. And I will never, ever leave her, as long as she wants me. Kaylees the strongest person Ive ever met. She can make it through eternity on her own. But I swear on my soul that as long as Im here, shell never have to.
Fresh tears filled my eyes, and my heart ached like it no longer fit inside my chest. I wanted to throw open the door and tell him I felt the same way. Exactly the same. But those words werent meant for my ears. He was talking to my dad, and as hard as it was to respect his intent instead of rushing into the hall to kiss him harder and longer than hed ever been kissed, in either his life or his afterlife, I took a deep breath instead.
But I wasnt noble enough to stop eavesdropping.
Tod my dad began, and my breath caught in my throat. Please dont ruin it, Dad .
I dont need your acceptance to be with her, Tod said, like hed read my mind. She wants me, and thats enough for me. But if you dont disapprove of the two of us together, it would be really nice to hear that someday.
My dad cleared his throat. The world lost something when you died, Tod, and I know that wasnt easy for your family. But the worlds loss was Kaylees gain. I hope the two of you have the forever her mother and I never got.
I will do my damnedest to make sure of that.
I know you will.
My tears spilled over, and when I sniffled, the sudden silence from the hall made my heart jump. I turned on the faucet to hide mysniffles and remind them that I was only a door away. Then I finished brushing, and when I emerged from the bathroom, the hall was empty and my dads bedroom door was closed.
Tod was in my desk chair when I shuffled into my room in my Grinch slippers. How much of that did you hear?
Enough. You were cute.
He scowled. I am not cute. I am the dreaded Grim Reaper. People fear me, you know. Theres a whole song about it.
Only because they dont know about the dimples. People dont fear a man with dimples.
Levis a nine-year-old with red hair and freckles, and youd have to be crazy not to fear him.
I have been called crazy a few times.
Seriously. What did you hear?
I turned and gave him a secretive smile. I heard you ask my dad for his blessing to be with me, in your own way.
Tod covered his embarrassment with a heated glance at the tank top and shorts I slept in. Back when I used to sleep. You should have heard the things I didnt ask his blessing for .
What things would those be?
Things were not allowed to do under his roof. He stood and I let him pull me close, and little sparks shot through my stomach, like they had the very first time wed kissed, and I hoped that it would always be like this. That every time either of us lost something or someone, wed still have each other, and that would be enough to make forever worth shooting for.
Is that why you got a roof of your own? I teased, watching the lazy swirls of contentment in his eyes, and beneath those, the tighter, faster coils of blue that said how badly he wanted me, in every possible sense of the word.
Well, that, and so Id have somewhere safe to plug in my cell phone. Someone turned it in to the lost-and-found at the hospital last week.
Mr. Hudson, if you cant keep up with your own cell phone, how is my father supposed to trust you not to lose his only daughter?
Are you suggesting I clip you to my waistband, like a phone?
I dont think Id fit.
Lets give it a try. He lifted me, and I wrapped my legs around him, glad no one else could hear us, because we needed this. This one moment of happiness in the midst of so much pain and fear. Feels like a good fit to me, he said, and the heat in his eyes made me burn inside, all over, but instead of putting out the fires, I wanted to stoke the flames.
I kissed him, feeding from his mouth as he walked us toward the bed, and I knew in that moment that I would never need another sustenance. Tod was more than enough, and he was all I wanted. And I wanted all of him.
A few minutes later, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and froze in surprise when I heard my dad and Tod talking in the hall. Curious, I pressed my ear against the crack between the door and its frame, careful not to let the wood creak.
I hate it when she cries, my father said, his voice low and soft, and difficult to hear.
Me, too, Tod said. Nothing makes me feel more helpless. Id kill anyone who tries to hurt her, but I cant save her from herself.
Youd kill for her? My fathers voice was still. Deliberate. This was a test, and I didnt know the right answer. But Tod didnt hesitate.
In a heartbeat. There was a moment of silence, and I peered through the crack, desperately trying to see them, but I couldnt even see their shadows. Mr. Cavanaugh, I know this isnt the future you wanted for Kaylee, and I know Im not who you wanted for her. And Im not even going to pretend to think Im good enoughI know Ive made mistakes, and Im probably going to make more. But I love her with every single cell in my body. Shes the reason my heart beatsliterally. Theres nothing I wouldnt do for her. Theres no one Id put ahead of her. And I will never, ever leave her, as long as she wants me. Kaylees the strongest person Ive ever met. She can make it through eternity on her own. But I swear on my soul that as long as Im here, shell never have to.
Fresh tears filled my eyes, and my heart ached like it no longer fit inside my chest. I wanted to throw open the door and tell him I felt the same way. Exactly the same. But those words werent meant for my ears. He was talking to my dad, and as hard as it was to respect his intent instead of rushing into the hall to kiss him harder and longer than hed ever been kissed, in either his life or his afterlife, I took a deep breath instead.
But I wasnt noble enough to stop eavesdropping.
Tod my dad began, and my breath caught in my throat. Please dont ruin it, Dad .
I dont need your acceptance to be with her, Tod said, like hed read my mind. She wants me, and thats enough for me. But if you dont disapprove of the two of us together, it would be really nice to hear that someday.
My dad cleared his throat. The world lost something when you died, Tod, and I know that wasnt easy for your family. But the worlds loss was Kaylees gain. I hope the two of you have the forever her mother and I never got.
I will do my damnedest to make sure of that.
I know you will.
My tears spilled over, and when I sniffled, the sudden silence from the hall made my heart jump. I turned on the faucet to hide mysniffles and remind them that I was only a door away. Then I finished brushing, and when I emerged from the bathroom, the hall was empty and my dads bedroom door was closed.
Tod was in my desk chair when I shuffled into my room in my Grinch slippers. How much of that did you hear?
Enough. You were cute.
He scowled. I am not cute. I am the dreaded Grim Reaper. People fear me, you know. Theres a whole song about it.
Only because they dont know about the dimples. People dont fear a man with dimples.
Levis a nine-year-old with red hair and freckles, and youd have to be crazy not to fear him.
I have been called crazy a few times.
Seriously. What did you hear?
I turned and gave him a secretive smile. I heard you ask my dad for his blessing to be with me, in your own way.
Tod covered his embarrassment with a heated glance at the tank top and shorts I slept in. Back when I used to sleep. You should have heard the things I didnt ask his blessing for .
What things would those be?
Things were not allowed to do under his roof. He stood and I let him pull me close, and little sparks shot through my stomach, like they had the very first time wed kissed, and I hoped that it would always be like this. That every time either of us lost something or someone, wed still have each other, and that would be enough to make forever worth shooting for.
Is that why you got a roof of your own? I teased, watching the lazy swirls of contentment in his eyes, and beneath those, the tighter, faster coils of blue that said how badly he wanted me, in every possible sense of the word.
Well, that, and so Id have somewhere safe to plug in my cell phone. Someone turned it in to the lost-and-found at the hospital last week.
Mr. Hudson, if you cant keep up with your own cell phone, how is my father supposed to trust you not to lose his only daughter?
Are you suggesting I clip you to my waistband, like a phone?
I dont think Id fit.
Lets give it a try. He lifted me, and I wrapped my legs around him, glad no one else could hear us, because we needed this. This one moment of happiness in the midst of so much pain and fear. Feels like a good fit to me, he said, and the heat in his eyes made me burn inside, all over, but instead of putting out the fires, I wanted to stoke the flames.
I kissed him, feeding from his mouth as he walked us toward the bed, and I knew in that moment that I would never need another sustenance. Tod was more than enough, and he was all I wanted. And I wanted all of him.
