Boarded by Love
Page 103
Me: I miss u.
Hey Jude: Miss u 2.
Me: That’s it?
Hey Jude: Huh? What do u mean?
Me: I mean u can’t say something more?
Hey Jude: What do u want me to say?
Me: I don’t fucking know, don’t worry about it.
Throwing my phone across the room, it ricochets with a thunk against the wall before landing on the floor. While it felt good to do that, I’m extremely glad that I have an Otterbox. Lying back, I close my eyes and let out a long breath. I can hear my phone go off with a text, and I know that Jude is probably confused and pissed, but I can’t bring myself to get up and fix that. He’s obviously too busy to worry about me.
Ugh, I’m being such a bitch.
Sitting up, I go get my phone and click it to see the text from him.
Hey Jude: Are you on your period? Do you need chocolate or something?
Oh no, he didn’t.
Me: Where are you?
Hey Jude: At the house, why? I can run out for you.
Me: No need.
Tucking my phone in my pocket, I leave my dorm and head to my car. I know I need to stay home in my dorm and not go anywhere, but I’m looking for a fight. I need to feel something other than just fucking empty. Driving over to his house, I park beside Jayden’s car and then slam my door as I stomp toward the front door. Before I can reach it though, the door opens and Jayden comes out with Jude behind him.
“My fucking period?! Seriously?” I yell, and Jayden’s eyes widen before he steps to the side.
“She has to be talking to you,” he says, and Jude’s brows come together when he sees me.
“I was about to go out for you. Are you okay?”
“No!” I yell. “I’ve been texting you all day, and lately you’ve been distant, only one-word answers or ‘You too’! What happened to telling me I was the moon and stars and all that cheesy shit that made me smile?”
Crossing his arms, he looks at me confused as he says, “Claire, I’m stupid busy right now. You know that. I’m bulking up, working hard on and off the ice. You’re working just as hard as I am, but do I get mad when you don’t answer my texts right away? No, I don’t ’cause I understand.”
“Whatever. Why don’t you just admit you’re getting tired of me?” I yell, and I wish I would just shut the fuck up and go home. I’m being a needy little brat and I know this, but I just need to feel loved.
“Oh shit,” Jayden mutters and he turns, heading inside. “You’re on your own, buddy.”
Jude ignores him, his eyes locked on me as he takes a step toward me. He doesn’t say anything for a long time; my breathing is labored, and my heart feels as if it is constricted in my chest. I’m fighting back the tears. I don’t want to seem weak, needy, but I am just that. I’m basically screaming for attention right now because I fucked up and my uncle hates me. And here I go doing it again. I know Phillip doesn’t hate me.
Looking away, I let out a breath, sucking one in as my eyes cloud with tears.
“Claire,” he demands, and I look back up, meeting his heated gaze. “Fucking stop it right now and tell me what is really going on. This is all bullshit and you know it. Stop trying to pick a fight with me, and tell me what the hell is wrong.”
I lose it. Tears fall in buckets and I sputter for breath, but within seconds, Jude has me in his arms, hugging me and holding me so close that I feel safe and secure, not completely empty. Kissing my jaw, he whispers, “Tell me what’s wrong. What do I need to do to fix it?”
I shake my head, nuzzling my nose in his neck. “I just need you to hold me.”
“I can do that,” he promises, and he does just that. He holds me until my tears dry, until I’m able to breathe normally and I can look him in the eye. “What’s wrong, baby?”
“I had a fight with Phillip and he hasn’t spoken to me in five days,” I say, not meeting his gaze.
“About what?”
I shake my head, shrugging my shoulders. This is when I need to tell him. I need to be honest because I don’t want to hurt him the way I hurt Phillip. But how can I tell him with the way Phillip reacted? Phillip loves me and I know that soon he’ll forgive me, but I don’t know if Jude will. He’ll be mad, he’ll break up with me, and that will be it. I can’t lose him.
But I can’t lie anymore.
“He found out I work for Ms. Prissy and didn’t like it one bit. Said that he didn’t want me working in that environment.”
Cupping my face, he says, “I mean, it isn’t the ideal place, but you are living your dreams. You’re choreographing numbers to be performed and getting paid good money. He’ll come around, baby, don’t worry.”
“He’s so mad at me.”
“He’ll come around; he loves you. He’ll realize how important this is when you land that huge job, hopefully wherever I am, and he will be so proud. And then you guys will laugh about this fight. Don’t worry.”
“I just don’t know,” I whisper, and I feel like the grip on my heart just got a little tighter. Looking up into his loving, supporting eyes, I bite the inside of my cheek as the tears well up in my eyes, threatening to fall at any second.
The words are there.
Just tell him. Tell him. Don’t hurt him too.
But won’t I hurt him? I’ve already lied, I’ve already hidden stuff from him, so no matter what I do, I am going to hurt him. I can be a coward and wait and pray he never finds out, or I can have the balls to tell him.
Stroking his thumb along my jaw, he kisses the side of my mouth. “I know you’re upset, and I know that you feel like this won’t work out, but come on, you know it will. How could anyone be that mad at someone like you? You are smart and amazing, Claire. He would be crazy not support you and love you.”
“You’re right.”
“I know, now kiss me, and don’t pick fights with me just ’cause you’re upset. Talk to me, I’m here for you, and I will help you through anything. All you have to do is tell me what you need. I love you.”
My tears spill over and roll down my cheeks as I nod slowly. “I love you too. I’m sorry.”
His mouth curves into a grin and then comes down on mine, kissing me so softly and so tenderly that my heart hurts more. With that kiss, I know that I’m going to continue to take the coward’s way out.
Hey Jude: Miss u 2.
Me: That’s it?
Hey Jude: Huh? What do u mean?
Me: I mean u can’t say something more?
Hey Jude: What do u want me to say?
Me: I don’t fucking know, don’t worry about it.
Throwing my phone across the room, it ricochets with a thunk against the wall before landing on the floor. While it felt good to do that, I’m extremely glad that I have an Otterbox. Lying back, I close my eyes and let out a long breath. I can hear my phone go off with a text, and I know that Jude is probably confused and pissed, but I can’t bring myself to get up and fix that. He’s obviously too busy to worry about me.
Ugh, I’m being such a bitch.
Sitting up, I go get my phone and click it to see the text from him.
Hey Jude: Are you on your period? Do you need chocolate or something?
Oh no, he didn’t.
Me: Where are you?
Hey Jude: At the house, why? I can run out for you.
Me: No need.
Tucking my phone in my pocket, I leave my dorm and head to my car. I know I need to stay home in my dorm and not go anywhere, but I’m looking for a fight. I need to feel something other than just fucking empty. Driving over to his house, I park beside Jayden’s car and then slam my door as I stomp toward the front door. Before I can reach it though, the door opens and Jayden comes out with Jude behind him.
“My fucking period?! Seriously?” I yell, and Jayden’s eyes widen before he steps to the side.
“She has to be talking to you,” he says, and Jude’s brows come together when he sees me.
“I was about to go out for you. Are you okay?”
“No!” I yell. “I’ve been texting you all day, and lately you’ve been distant, only one-word answers or ‘You too’! What happened to telling me I was the moon and stars and all that cheesy shit that made me smile?”
Crossing his arms, he looks at me confused as he says, “Claire, I’m stupid busy right now. You know that. I’m bulking up, working hard on and off the ice. You’re working just as hard as I am, but do I get mad when you don’t answer my texts right away? No, I don’t ’cause I understand.”
“Whatever. Why don’t you just admit you’re getting tired of me?” I yell, and I wish I would just shut the fuck up and go home. I’m being a needy little brat and I know this, but I just need to feel loved.
“Oh shit,” Jayden mutters and he turns, heading inside. “You’re on your own, buddy.”
Jude ignores him, his eyes locked on me as he takes a step toward me. He doesn’t say anything for a long time; my breathing is labored, and my heart feels as if it is constricted in my chest. I’m fighting back the tears. I don’t want to seem weak, needy, but I am just that. I’m basically screaming for attention right now because I fucked up and my uncle hates me. And here I go doing it again. I know Phillip doesn’t hate me.
Looking away, I let out a breath, sucking one in as my eyes cloud with tears.
“Claire,” he demands, and I look back up, meeting his heated gaze. “Fucking stop it right now and tell me what is really going on. This is all bullshit and you know it. Stop trying to pick a fight with me, and tell me what the hell is wrong.”
I lose it. Tears fall in buckets and I sputter for breath, but within seconds, Jude has me in his arms, hugging me and holding me so close that I feel safe and secure, not completely empty. Kissing my jaw, he whispers, “Tell me what’s wrong. What do I need to do to fix it?”
I shake my head, nuzzling my nose in his neck. “I just need you to hold me.”
“I can do that,” he promises, and he does just that. He holds me until my tears dry, until I’m able to breathe normally and I can look him in the eye. “What’s wrong, baby?”
“I had a fight with Phillip and he hasn’t spoken to me in five days,” I say, not meeting his gaze.
“About what?”
I shake my head, shrugging my shoulders. This is when I need to tell him. I need to be honest because I don’t want to hurt him the way I hurt Phillip. But how can I tell him with the way Phillip reacted? Phillip loves me and I know that soon he’ll forgive me, but I don’t know if Jude will. He’ll be mad, he’ll break up with me, and that will be it. I can’t lose him.
But I can’t lie anymore.
“He found out I work for Ms. Prissy and didn’t like it one bit. Said that he didn’t want me working in that environment.”
Cupping my face, he says, “I mean, it isn’t the ideal place, but you are living your dreams. You’re choreographing numbers to be performed and getting paid good money. He’ll come around, baby, don’t worry.”
“He’s so mad at me.”
“He’ll come around; he loves you. He’ll realize how important this is when you land that huge job, hopefully wherever I am, and he will be so proud. And then you guys will laugh about this fight. Don’t worry.”
“I just don’t know,” I whisper, and I feel like the grip on my heart just got a little tighter. Looking up into his loving, supporting eyes, I bite the inside of my cheek as the tears well up in my eyes, threatening to fall at any second.
The words are there.
Just tell him. Tell him. Don’t hurt him too.
But won’t I hurt him? I’ve already lied, I’ve already hidden stuff from him, so no matter what I do, I am going to hurt him. I can be a coward and wait and pray he never finds out, or I can have the balls to tell him.
Stroking his thumb along my jaw, he kisses the side of my mouth. “I know you’re upset, and I know that you feel like this won’t work out, but come on, you know it will. How could anyone be that mad at someone like you? You are smart and amazing, Claire. He would be crazy not support you and love you.”
“You’re right.”
“I know, now kiss me, and don’t pick fights with me just ’cause you’re upset. Talk to me, I’m here for you, and I will help you through anything. All you have to do is tell me what you need. I love you.”
My tears spill over and roll down my cheeks as I nod slowly. “I love you too. I’m sorry.”
His mouth curves into a grin and then comes down on mine, kissing me so softly and so tenderly that my heart hurts more. With that kiss, I know that I’m going to continue to take the coward’s way out.
