Boarded by Love
Page 120
Glancing up at the stage since the room has gone dark, I watch as they set up a pole. Then the soft music starts and the curtain behind the pole opens to reveal Claire standing in all her gorgeous glory. She’s wearing only one of my Bullies tees, her red hair shiny and down along her shoulders, with no makeup. It’s not what I expected. I expected her to be all done up, ready for a show, but she looks so beautiful, so vulnerable.
And fuck, I miss her.
I’ve gotten her texts, her calls, her Facebook messages, but I’ve just ignored everything trying to figure out what I need to do. I’ve seen her around campus, but I don’t think she’s ever seen me. A part of me feels like she stopped looking, but then I realized that maybe she felt as empty as I do and was just going through the motions of life. Like I have. I mean, what is the point of trying to live a good life when it’s not with your other half?
It’s like lying, and I’m tired of lying.
As I stand there, the lights warm my face and I look out into the audience.
Searching for him.
My nerves are eating me alive, and I’ve never been nervous before, but the seven men that sit behind Reese and Phillip are the men who are going to decide my future in this business.
But I don’t see him.
Biting into my lip to keep it from wobbling, I run my hands up my thighs, taking the edges of Jude’s shirt and pulling it off, throwing it to the ground as Curtis Jarvis sings “Stay With Me.” It’s one of my favorite songs since Jude and I split up, if that’s what you call it. I stand in only a black lace sports bra and matching boy shorts, not as Diamond either, as Claire. Claire Anderson, the girl who loves Jude Sinclair more than anything in this world, and this song is for him, but he isn’t here to see it.
Slowly strutting forward, my fingers dance along the pole, imaging that it’s Jude who I’m touching. Bending at my waist, I throw my leg up behind me, pressing my foot into the pole above my head. I hear clapping, but I ignore it because all I can think is that Jude didn’t come, and that basically means we’re through. That he doesn’t want me.
Swallowing my tears, I drop my leg, turning my back to the pole and sliding down it till my butt hits the floor. Lifting my legs over my body, I wrap them around the pole and then lift my top half off the ground, arching my back up. I want to look graceful, I want to be pretty for everyone, but I just feel like giving up and accepting that I’ll never truly be happy. Coming off the pole, I wrap one leg around it, spinning around the pole as my hair dusts the ground, running my hands down my body and then back up before climbing up the pole to do more tricks. But soon it’s all second nature to me, and I wonder if everyone knows I’m not enjoying myself, that I’m not even trying.
That I’d rather be in my room, my face buried in my pillow, crying over Jude.
When I let go of the pole, stretching my arms above my head, holding myself with my thighs, I spin and spin and spin, the wind I’m making cooling my skin and the light blinding me. I’m used to it though, I’ve practiced this over a million times, it seems. Holding on to the pole, I open my legs and slide down the pole until my thighs touch the floor as I look out into the crowd. When my eyes meet Phillip’s, and I see that pride is basically seeping out of his pores, I know I have to give this my all. He forgave me, he supports me, and I have to try for him.
Standing up, I kick my leg up, doing the splits on the pole as I drop my head back, my hands coming down my body into my hair as the singer sings his ass off. As I continue my tricks and wow the crowd, and hopefully the investors, I think that, yeah, we’re through, and yes, it is going to suck really bad, but hey, I had the love of my life young. Do I regret my decisions? More than anything. But at least when I had the chance, I loved him with all my heart and soul. I gave one hundred percent to us, but I held back something that I know was wrong, and because of that, I learned my lesson. Everything in my life has been a learning curve, and when it is time for me to love again, and Lord knows when that will be, I’ll love with all my heart and know never to lie to the person I love. I fucked up and I know this. I just have to accept that he’s gone, but still, I can’t give up a chance of a lifetime.
Dancing like this is the last dance I’ll ever do, and I know everyone is impressed when the music ends and the lights dim. Phillip and Reese jump to their feet as they clap and Reese cries. Blowing a kiss to them, I watch as men lay money on the stage, and I smile a thanks to them even though I’m not thankful for it. I don’t want the money, I want to see Jude, and I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me.
That’s my security, that’s my safe haven…
That’s what I need.
The show ends as I step offstage, and the first person I see is Ms. Prissy. She wraps her arms around me, hugging me tightly as she kisses my forehead. “Phenomenal.”
“Thank you,” I sigh, and I try to smile, but it’s more of a grimace. It was my best pole dance, and I wish Jude were here. I wish he would have been sitting beside Phillip, cheering me on, but that isn’t what’s in my cards, and I’ll learn to accept that. Someday.
“They’ll be back in a few. Want to go change?”
“Yeah,” I agree as I walk away, heading to my station. Ellen is sitting at her station on her phone, her things packed up, and it reminds me that I need to pack up my things. I throw on my Bullies sweats and I start to pack as I say, “So you’re going through with it?”
She looks at me in the mirror and nods. “I love him.”
“He’s a liar and a cheat. You aren’t making the right decision,” I say, but I know it’s no use. She’s going to New York with Mr. Sinclair to run his club. Not only is the club going to suck, but they won’t last. He’s the dirt on the bottom of my shoe, and she doesn’t deserve that. Plus she couldn’t run anything. She doesn’t have the smarts for it, as horrible as that sounds.
“I don’t agree. We’re happy, so he left his family for me. It’s true love,” she says, her eyes diverting to her phone.
I watch her for a long time, and I just shake my head. Taking in a deep breath, I want to call her a dumbass, tell her she’s doing something so wrong and dirty, but who am I to judge?
Nodding my head, not in agreement, I say, “Good luck, Ellen.”
She doesn’t say anything to me, and I’m thankful for that. Quickly, I pack up my things just as Ms. Prissy calls me to her office.
And fuck, I miss her.
I’ve gotten her texts, her calls, her Facebook messages, but I’ve just ignored everything trying to figure out what I need to do. I’ve seen her around campus, but I don’t think she’s ever seen me. A part of me feels like she stopped looking, but then I realized that maybe she felt as empty as I do and was just going through the motions of life. Like I have. I mean, what is the point of trying to live a good life when it’s not with your other half?
It’s like lying, and I’m tired of lying.
As I stand there, the lights warm my face and I look out into the audience.
Searching for him.
My nerves are eating me alive, and I’ve never been nervous before, but the seven men that sit behind Reese and Phillip are the men who are going to decide my future in this business.
But I don’t see him.
Biting into my lip to keep it from wobbling, I run my hands up my thighs, taking the edges of Jude’s shirt and pulling it off, throwing it to the ground as Curtis Jarvis sings “Stay With Me.” It’s one of my favorite songs since Jude and I split up, if that’s what you call it. I stand in only a black lace sports bra and matching boy shorts, not as Diamond either, as Claire. Claire Anderson, the girl who loves Jude Sinclair more than anything in this world, and this song is for him, but he isn’t here to see it.
Slowly strutting forward, my fingers dance along the pole, imaging that it’s Jude who I’m touching. Bending at my waist, I throw my leg up behind me, pressing my foot into the pole above my head. I hear clapping, but I ignore it because all I can think is that Jude didn’t come, and that basically means we’re through. That he doesn’t want me.
Swallowing my tears, I drop my leg, turning my back to the pole and sliding down it till my butt hits the floor. Lifting my legs over my body, I wrap them around the pole and then lift my top half off the ground, arching my back up. I want to look graceful, I want to be pretty for everyone, but I just feel like giving up and accepting that I’ll never truly be happy. Coming off the pole, I wrap one leg around it, spinning around the pole as my hair dusts the ground, running my hands down my body and then back up before climbing up the pole to do more tricks. But soon it’s all second nature to me, and I wonder if everyone knows I’m not enjoying myself, that I’m not even trying.
That I’d rather be in my room, my face buried in my pillow, crying over Jude.
When I let go of the pole, stretching my arms above my head, holding myself with my thighs, I spin and spin and spin, the wind I’m making cooling my skin and the light blinding me. I’m used to it though, I’ve practiced this over a million times, it seems. Holding on to the pole, I open my legs and slide down the pole until my thighs touch the floor as I look out into the crowd. When my eyes meet Phillip’s, and I see that pride is basically seeping out of his pores, I know I have to give this my all. He forgave me, he supports me, and I have to try for him.
Standing up, I kick my leg up, doing the splits on the pole as I drop my head back, my hands coming down my body into my hair as the singer sings his ass off. As I continue my tricks and wow the crowd, and hopefully the investors, I think that, yeah, we’re through, and yes, it is going to suck really bad, but hey, I had the love of my life young. Do I regret my decisions? More than anything. But at least when I had the chance, I loved him with all my heart and soul. I gave one hundred percent to us, but I held back something that I know was wrong, and because of that, I learned my lesson. Everything in my life has been a learning curve, and when it is time for me to love again, and Lord knows when that will be, I’ll love with all my heart and know never to lie to the person I love. I fucked up and I know this. I just have to accept that he’s gone, but still, I can’t give up a chance of a lifetime.
Dancing like this is the last dance I’ll ever do, and I know everyone is impressed when the music ends and the lights dim. Phillip and Reese jump to their feet as they clap and Reese cries. Blowing a kiss to them, I watch as men lay money on the stage, and I smile a thanks to them even though I’m not thankful for it. I don’t want the money, I want to see Jude, and I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me.
That’s my security, that’s my safe haven…
That’s what I need.
The show ends as I step offstage, and the first person I see is Ms. Prissy. She wraps her arms around me, hugging me tightly as she kisses my forehead. “Phenomenal.”
“Thank you,” I sigh, and I try to smile, but it’s more of a grimace. It was my best pole dance, and I wish Jude were here. I wish he would have been sitting beside Phillip, cheering me on, but that isn’t what’s in my cards, and I’ll learn to accept that. Someday.
“They’ll be back in a few. Want to go change?”
“Yeah,” I agree as I walk away, heading to my station. Ellen is sitting at her station on her phone, her things packed up, and it reminds me that I need to pack up my things. I throw on my Bullies sweats and I start to pack as I say, “So you’re going through with it?”
She looks at me in the mirror and nods. “I love him.”
“He’s a liar and a cheat. You aren’t making the right decision,” I say, but I know it’s no use. She’s going to New York with Mr. Sinclair to run his club. Not only is the club going to suck, but they won’t last. He’s the dirt on the bottom of my shoe, and she doesn’t deserve that. Plus she couldn’t run anything. She doesn’t have the smarts for it, as horrible as that sounds.
“I don’t agree. We’re happy, so he left his family for me. It’s true love,” she says, her eyes diverting to her phone.
I watch her for a long time, and I just shake my head. Taking in a deep breath, I want to call her a dumbass, tell her she’s doing something so wrong and dirty, but who am I to judge?
Nodding my head, not in agreement, I say, “Good luck, Ellen.”
She doesn’t say anything to me, and I’m thankful for that. Quickly, I pack up my things just as Ms. Prissy calls me to her office.
