Boys South of the Mason Dixon
Page 33
I stared at Dallas. When had my little brother turned into a complete dick?
“Don’t think that’s what happened,” Steel said.
I shook my head. “No, it’s not.” I then took another bite of chicken.
“Okay, wait, you didn’t bang Hannah?” Dallas asked.
My patience was running thin. I decided to eat in my room. Momma could bitch at me. I’d listen and apologize. That was better than this. Lifting my plate in one hand with my mason jar of tea firmly clasped in the other, I headed toward the stairs leading up to my room to escape my brothers’ inquisition.
“You can’t take food to your room.” Dallas’s tone was amused and playful.
“I don’t give a fuck,” I replied, slamming the door behind me, then locking it in place. They’d follow me, or at least Dallas would try just to see how far he could push me.
I heard his laughter and Steel saying something in a low, rumbling tone. I didn’t try to listen. I sat down on the top step and finished my meal in silence. If I ate fast enough, I could get all evidence of it back to the kitchen before Momma returned. She was outside in the garden. Of course, that meant more taunting from Dallas. I’d rather just deal with Momma.
I replayed Dixie’s voice in my mind again and again, her words to me, how happy I once made her. I hated hurting her, causing her any type of pain. I wished she’d understand that every time I pushed her back, every time I had to put her at a safe distance from me, my very being was being torn into shreds. This wasn’t easy for me. From the moment I found those letters in that box, my life lost its meaning. I was drained of any joy and couldn’t be filled again. The emptiness now seemed to be permanent.
The twisted guilt I’d lived with for the past three years was gone, but the ache of losing Dixie was still there. She wasn’t the last girl I’d been with, but she’d been the only one that mattered. The only face I saw. No one made me feel complete like she had. No one made me want to plan my forever, except her, only my Dixie. I thought that maybe with time there would be someone else to take her place, but all I realized in the end was that once you’d found perfection, everything else paled by comparison. A puzzle piece would forever be missing from your soul.
Dixie Monroe
WHILE STARING OUT the kitchen window, I poured myself a third cup of coffee. Sleep hadn’t come last night. Not even a few seconds of it. My guilt kept me wide awake. I wasn’t being fair to Steel. I’d known that before, but had let him convince me to stay with him because he honestly thought I could forget Asher one day. He thought we had a chance. I had to stop letting him think that. I cared about him, I wanted him to be loved the way he loved other people, completely, without hesitation. He was a good guy and should have it all. I was too fractured, too broken for him. Even though he refused to see it.
Telling him all this would not be easy. I knew that no matter how prepared I got, he was going to try and stop me. Convince me not to do this. I had to be strong or I’d continue hurting him forever. He’d hate me, all the Suttons would, especially now on the heels of what happened with Bray and Scarlet, but I couldn’t just keep finding reasons to wait. I had to do this now. I had to end it so that he could move on.
Three long gulps and I finished the cup. I didn’t even taste it. I’d drank it for the caffeine and the mental focus I needed for the task ahead. What I had to do wouldn’t change anything with Asher. After yesterday, I knew that. He had decided that he could never be with me, and knowing he didn’t love me the way I loved him would always sting deeply.
“You’re up early. You don’t have to be at work for another two hours,” Mom said, yawning. She searched my face. It was six in the morning, and I’d been drinking coffee since five.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I replied, though I knew she knew that.
She came up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her chin on my shoulder. “It isn’t easy to do what’s right. But you know that already.”
Without me even telling her, she knew. Saw it all and read my heart. Tears stung my eyes because my mother expected me to do the right thing. To let Steel go, be truthful about it all, and she’d been waiting all along for me to do that.
“One day, there will be another man. Asher Sutton will become a memory. You won’t ever forget him, but you will heal and move on. It’s how the world works, honey. Though I know it’s hard to see that now.”
The idea of loving anyone else more than Asher seemed as heartbreaking as it was impossible to accept right now. “I don’t know about that,” I replied sullenly.
Again, Mom squeezed me tight. “You’re young, life is rarely decided at eighteen years of age. We don’t give our hearts away at fifteen, never to love again.”
That was where she was wrong. I replied, “Thirteen. I gave it away at thirteen.”
With a sigh, she kissed my temple, “Oh, Dixie, there’s a big ol’ world out there. One you’ve yet to explore. There’s so many beautiful experiences that yet lie ahead of you. Trust me, sweetheart, if Asher Sutton was meant to be your only love, then it would’ve happened that way.”
I closed my eyes. Fought back the tears. “I don’t want to think it’s over.”
“The future is a funny thing. It may lead you around the world and bring you right back where you started.”
I wiped away a single tear that had escaped. “Steel isn’t going to be easy. He’ll fight this. Try to stop me.”
Mom ran her hand over my hair brushing it out of my face. “That’s because you’re beautiful and smart, loving and kind. No man will ever want to let that go, not without a fight.”
Asher did. He let me go without a fight.
I didn’t say the words aloud. Though they were there, always would be. It would be hard for me to truly trust enough to love again, the way I’d loved Asher. If that were even possible. If mom was right and someone else came along one day, would my heart be whole by then? I didn’t think it could ever happen.
“Let me feed you before you go,” she said, patting my arm and releasing her hold of me.
I couldn’t eat. My stomach was in knots. “No, I’m not hungry. I have to do this now . . . before I back out. It has to be stopped.”
“You’ve got to work all day. You need something in your stomach,” she argued.
“I’ll get something during my lunch break.”
She didn’t look convinced. “I’ll bring you a late breakfast when I run to Harrods to get my vitamins.”
Arguing with her was pointless. I nodded and considered another cup of coffee, but the queasiness in my stomach stopped me. I sat the cup down and gave Mom a hug. “Thanks. I love you,” I said.
She rubbed my back, “I love you more. Never forget that.” I knew she was someone who would stay, make my dad happy, from the first time she said those words to me as a child. She made us a family again. She made us whole.
I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. “Here, at least take this protein bar,” Mom said, following behind me and holding a peanut butter Cliff Bar in her hand.
I took it and thanked her, hoping to have an appetite later. She kissed my cheek one more time. I could see the love and worry for me on her face. The concern shining in her eyes.
When outside, I took a deep breath. This was going to be hard, but I could do it. Steel would be up and in the barn with his first cup of coffee by now. I wasn’t sure when Asher went to work, though that might complicate things. But I knew he would avoid me at all costs, and today, I needed that.
“Don’t think that’s what happened,” Steel said.
I shook my head. “No, it’s not.” I then took another bite of chicken.
“Okay, wait, you didn’t bang Hannah?” Dallas asked.
My patience was running thin. I decided to eat in my room. Momma could bitch at me. I’d listen and apologize. That was better than this. Lifting my plate in one hand with my mason jar of tea firmly clasped in the other, I headed toward the stairs leading up to my room to escape my brothers’ inquisition.
“You can’t take food to your room.” Dallas’s tone was amused and playful.
“I don’t give a fuck,” I replied, slamming the door behind me, then locking it in place. They’d follow me, or at least Dallas would try just to see how far he could push me.
I heard his laughter and Steel saying something in a low, rumbling tone. I didn’t try to listen. I sat down on the top step and finished my meal in silence. If I ate fast enough, I could get all evidence of it back to the kitchen before Momma returned. She was outside in the garden. Of course, that meant more taunting from Dallas. I’d rather just deal with Momma.
I replayed Dixie’s voice in my mind again and again, her words to me, how happy I once made her. I hated hurting her, causing her any type of pain. I wished she’d understand that every time I pushed her back, every time I had to put her at a safe distance from me, my very being was being torn into shreds. This wasn’t easy for me. From the moment I found those letters in that box, my life lost its meaning. I was drained of any joy and couldn’t be filled again. The emptiness now seemed to be permanent.
The twisted guilt I’d lived with for the past three years was gone, but the ache of losing Dixie was still there. She wasn’t the last girl I’d been with, but she’d been the only one that mattered. The only face I saw. No one made me feel complete like she had. No one made me want to plan my forever, except her, only my Dixie. I thought that maybe with time there would be someone else to take her place, but all I realized in the end was that once you’d found perfection, everything else paled by comparison. A puzzle piece would forever be missing from your soul.
Dixie Monroe
WHILE STARING OUT the kitchen window, I poured myself a third cup of coffee. Sleep hadn’t come last night. Not even a few seconds of it. My guilt kept me wide awake. I wasn’t being fair to Steel. I’d known that before, but had let him convince me to stay with him because he honestly thought I could forget Asher one day. He thought we had a chance. I had to stop letting him think that. I cared about him, I wanted him to be loved the way he loved other people, completely, without hesitation. He was a good guy and should have it all. I was too fractured, too broken for him. Even though he refused to see it.
Telling him all this would not be easy. I knew that no matter how prepared I got, he was going to try and stop me. Convince me not to do this. I had to be strong or I’d continue hurting him forever. He’d hate me, all the Suttons would, especially now on the heels of what happened with Bray and Scarlet, but I couldn’t just keep finding reasons to wait. I had to do this now. I had to end it so that he could move on.
Three long gulps and I finished the cup. I didn’t even taste it. I’d drank it for the caffeine and the mental focus I needed for the task ahead. What I had to do wouldn’t change anything with Asher. After yesterday, I knew that. He had decided that he could never be with me, and knowing he didn’t love me the way I loved him would always sting deeply.
“You’re up early. You don’t have to be at work for another two hours,” Mom said, yawning. She searched my face. It was six in the morning, and I’d been drinking coffee since five.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I replied, though I knew she knew that.
She came up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her chin on my shoulder. “It isn’t easy to do what’s right. But you know that already.”
Without me even telling her, she knew. Saw it all and read my heart. Tears stung my eyes because my mother expected me to do the right thing. To let Steel go, be truthful about it all, and she’d been waiting all along for me to do that.
“One day, there will be another man. Asher Sutton will become a memory. You won’t ever forget him, but you will heal and move on. It’s how the world works, honey. Though I know it’s hard to see that now.”
The idea of loving anyone else more than Asher seemed as heartbreaking as it was impossible to accept right now. “I don’t know about that,” I replied sullenly.
Again, Mom squeezed me tight. “You’re young, life is rarely decided at eighteen years of age. We don’t give our hearts away at fifteen, never to love again.”
That was where she was wrong. I replied, “Thirteen. I gave it away at thirteen.”
With a sigh, she kissed my temple, “Oh, Dixie, there’s a big ol’ world out there. One you’ve yet to explore. There’s so many beautiful experiences that yet lie ahead of you. Trust me, sweetheart, if Asher Sutton was meant to be your only love, then it would’ve happened that way.”
I closed my eyes. Fought back the tears. “I don’t want to think it’s over.”
“The future is a funny thing. It may lead you around the world and bring you right back where you started.”
I wiped away a single tear that had escaped. “Steel isn’t going to be easy. He’ll fight this. Try to stop me.”
Mom ran her hand over my hair brushing it out of my face. “That’s because you’re beautiful and smart, loving and kind. No man will ever want to let that go, not without a fight.”
Asher did. He let me go without a fight.
I didn’t say the words aloud. Though they were there, always would be. It would be hard for me to truly trust enough to love again, the way I’d loved Asher. If that were even possible. If mom was right and someone else came along one day, would my heart be whole by then? I didn’t think it could ever happen.
“Let me feed you before you go,” she said, patting my arm and releasing her hold of me.
I couldn’t eat. My stomach was in knots. “No, I’m not hungry. I have to do this now . . . before I back out. It has to be stopped.”
“You’ve got to work all day. You need something in your stomach,” she argued.
“I’ll get something during my lunch break.”
She didn’t look convinced. “I’ll bring you a late breakfast when I run to Harrods to get my vitamins.”
Arguing with her was pointless. I nodded and considered another cup of coffee, but the queasiness in my stomach stopped me. I sat the cup down and gave Mom a hug. “Thanks. I love you,” I said.
She rubbed my back, “I love you more. Never forget that.” I knew she was someone who would stay, make my dad happy, from the first time she said those words to me as a child. She made us a family again. She made us whole.
I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. “Here, at least take this protein bar,” Mom said, following behind me and holding a peanut butter Cliff Bar in her hand.
I took it and thanked her, hoping to have an appetite later. She kissed my cheek one more time. I could see the love and worry for me on her face. The concern shining in her eyes.
When outside, I took a deep breath. This was going to be hard, but I could do it. Steel would be up and in the barn with his first cup of coffee by now. I wasn’t sure when Asher went to work, though that might complicate things. But I knew he would avoid me at all costs, and today, I needed that.
