Brawn
Page 36
Chapter Nineteen
“I’m sorry, beautiful. I’d rather hurt myself than you.”
Becca could hear the honest distress in Brawn’s voice. It forced her to get a grip on her emotions. “It’s not you. I swear you didn’t hurt me during sex. It’s…just me. I’m a mess inside. Please, Brawn. You didn’t hurt me.”
“Then why are you crying? Look me in the eye as we talk.”
She sniffed. “We have nothing in common. I’m not what you want. You…” She sniffed again. “You and I can’t work out. We need to stop seeing each other. It’s only going to be harder once the baby comes if we don’t end this now.”
His body tensed behind hers. “I am not going to end us, Becca. Never. You are mine.”
Becca started to cry again. She heard a door slam and thought it was from another suite. Brawn held her firmly and his body was cocooned around hers from the back.
“I’m here,” Trisha panted. “What is the emergency?”
Becca tensed and lifted her head to gawk at Trisha. The doctor wore a pink jogging suit and carried a bag. Their eyes met and Trisha moved toward the bed.
“Brawn said he might have injured you during sex, Becca. Where are you hurting? Is there any bleeding? Cramping?”
“She says I did not injure her during sex.” Brawn sighed. “I do not know why she cries but I see pain in her eyes, Trisha. How do I help her?”
Trisha dropped her bag and sat on the edge of the bed. She met Becca’s tear-filled eyes. “What is it, Becca? Talk to me. You have Brawn really worried. Trust me. For a Species male to call out for help this way, he’s really worried. Did he accidentally hurt you during sex? Talk to me.”
Becca bit her lip. “I was married before.”
Trisha blinked. “I remember. I was surprised when I found out because your last name is the same as your father’s.”
“I took my maiden name back after my husband died.”
“Do you feel guilty over having a baby when he is dead?” Trisha’s features softened. “That’s normal but you know you shouldn’t.”
Becca wiped at tears. “My marriage was miserable.”
Trisha gave her a compassionate look. “You’re afraid to commit. That’s understandable.”
Becca shook her head. “Bradley was an investment broker. He wanted a wife who came from money and my grandfather was loaded. He thought he’d have an in with my grandpa and get the job of handling his money if he married me. I thought he loved me but it wasn’t me he wanted.”
“Shit.” Trisha handed her a tissue she pulled from the bag. “I’m so sorry.”
“What is an investment broker? Why would he want in with your grandfather? In where?” Brawn propped his head up on his arm.
Trisha answered. “He thought marrying Becca would make him rich through her family. That’s the bottom line, isn’t it?” Trisha glanced at her.
Becca blew her nose. “He didn’t know my gramps planned to leave it all to charity, that I wouldn’t be rich when he died and was only left part of his property. Bradley was furious when he found out he wasn’t even allowed to sell my house. My grandpa has a clause that my father has to agree to sell too since he owns the other half and Dad won’t ever do that. Ever. In other words, he couldn’t touch it.”
“Good for your grandpa,” Trisha muttered.
“To make matters worse, I embarrassed him around his friends because I didn’t understand much about his job or what he did. We had nothing in common. I tried to be what I thought he wanted but I could never make him happy. We were both miserable. The only reason we didn’t divorce was because he didn’t want to admit he’d made a mistake to everyone. It would have embarrassed him more than I did and been bad for business. People trusted him with their money but they like family men to do that. Not single divorced guys who drink, party and could be playboy types. I didn’t divorce him because my father had told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life getting married. I’m stubborn and I kept thinking if I tried harder I could turn it around and save our marriage.”
The room remained silent. Becca was glad she couldn’t see Brawn, with him snuggled behind her. She didn’t think she could continue talking if she had to look him in the eyes. It was important though that she make him understand why she was crying and why they could never work out.
“My husband had a rare heart defect we didn’t know about. They only discovered it during his autopsy. He wasn’t with me when he died. I lied and said he was away for a business trip but it wasn’t the truth. Our sex life was almost nonexistent. He rarely touched me. I thought…” She sniffed. “I thought something was wrong with me. I tried so hard to figure out what I was doing wrong and be what he wanted sexually but it only made him angry when I tried. He’d yell at me and sleep on the couch.”
Brawn softly growled and his arm around her tightened. Becca didn’t turn to look at him, instead kept her gaze locked with Trisha’s.
“The police came to our condo to inform me Bradley had died in another woman’s apartment. They’d been having an affair for months and he kept her a few blocks away, rented the place as their love nest. He was into things—liked to wear leather and had his mistress whip him. He was into pain. When I got his personal items from the coroner that’s what I got in the bag. He was wearing a leather outfit when he suffered the rupture in his heart. She’d been spanking him when he died. I saw a shrink afterward. I was pretty confused and emotionally messed up. She told me that some men need to be dominated the way Bradley obviously did, that some men enjoy that kind of pain to get off and he knew I’d never be into that. It’s why he rarely touched me. It’s why…” Becca wiped her eyes. “No matter what I did, I could never have made him happy.”
“I’m sorry,” Trisha said softly. “The shrink was right. I’ve heard of this before. Some men marry one sort of woman but have a darker side they hide. It’s the deceit and the lies that flip their switch.”
Becca shrugged. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I just don’t want to make the same mistake twice and end up being that unhappy again. I just can’t take it.”
Trisha frowned. “I’m not sure I understand.”
Becca cleared her throat. “Can I talk to Trisha alone, Brawn?”
“No.” His hold on her tightened. “Tell me why you are crying and why you are crying over your dead husband. Do you still love him?”
“God no!” Becca immediately regretted her outburst. She locked her gaze on Trisha.
“Just talk to me and try to forget he’s here. He’s worried and he needs to know why you’re so upset.” Trisha’s voice softened as she glanced at Brawn. “You just be quiet and let her talk.”
Becca took a breath. “The first time I saw Brawn I thought…” She sniffed. “I thought he had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen. He was so hot. I was attracted to him instantly. I—” She suddenly laughed. “I thought he’d make a great stripper with that body and wished I could see him out of his clothes.”
Trisha grinned. “They do like to dance. You should have Brawn take you to the bar at the hotel.”
“Then he told me why he would never touch someone like me.”
Brawn tensed. “Becca—”
Trisha shot him a glare. “Shut up. Not a word. Let her talk. If you won’t leave than be quiet and stop interrupting.”
He softly growled but he didn’t speak. Brawn shifted on the bed, getting more comfortable. Becca realized he wasn’t going to leave.
“Keep going. Talk to me,” Trisha urged. “I want to hear this. Why wouldn’t he be with you?”
“He thinks we’re too frail. He likes not to restrain himself, to have rougher sex than our bodies can handle.”
Trisha didn’t look surprised. “They could easily hurt us. They sometimes use their teeth and they are very aggressive. It’s a valid fear, Becca. There are a lot of Species men who say they won’t touch human females because of that. They are afraid they’d…break them somehow. Tear them up inside. Snap a bone by accident. Some of them like to wrestle a bit with a female before sex. If my husband wrestled with me the way some of them do, I’d probably be in a body cast.” Trisha smiled to soften her words. “But Slade doesn’t hurt me. If you are afraid Brawn will hurt you I can understand that but you’ll both learn how to balance it out so no one gets hurt.”
“I’m not afraid of him hurting me.” Becca shook her head. “It’s Bradley all over again. Don’t you see that? Brawn needs things I can’t ever give him. He can’t be as rough as he wants and is always going to have to worry about hurting me. He’ll always have to stay in control when he doesn’t want to. He needs things sexually that he’ll never be able to get from me.”
Brawn softly cursed. “Becca, it’s all right. I don’t need that. I don’t want to be rough with you. I do worry about hurting you because I would rather hurt myself first.”
“The point is,” Becca continued, “I’m not what you really want. I can’t give you the things you need. I can’t take falling for you when I have done this before and I know how it ends.” Becca turned her head to stare into Brawn’s eyes.
“I—”
Becca cut him off. “You will grow to resent me. It was loud and clear when you never contacted me, Brawn. I got it. You had sex with me because we were trapped and we only had each other to lean on. You were honest the first time we met about your feelings about human women. We have nothing in common, we’re from two different worlds and you’re only here for the baby. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant I never would have seen you again. I’m not going to do this, Brawn. I’m not going to try a relationship that is doomed to fail. You’ll withdraw from me and you’ll cheat. I’ll grow to depend on you, love you and you’ll break my heart. You need to leave. That’s why I’m crying. That’s how you’re hurting me. I can’t survive that again.”
Brawn brushed at Becca’s fresh tears with his thumb. “Becca…”
“Don’t,” she sniffed. “Don’t even deny it. You can’t. You never called and you never even came to see me to get your things. There’s no way around that. I waited six weeks, hoping you’d call and say what happened between us meant something to you. I got my answer and there isn’t a thing you can say or do that is going to tell me otherwise. You’re a liar if you try. Now let me go. I’m hungry.” She tried to wiggle away from him. “Don’t touch me again, Brawn. We’ll become friends for the baby’s sake but don’t pull this claiming shit on me because I refuse to let you tear out my heart. Now move.”
“No. I wanted you. I was ordered not to contact you. I worried that seeing me would cause you pain. You went through a trauma and Species involved with humans only seem to draw danger. I thought about you all the time.”
“Let her go,” Trisha ordered. “We need to talk, Brawn. She needs to calm down a little before you tell her anything. Trust me.”
Brawn moved, letting Becca up. It was obvious from his expression that he didn’t want to. Becca climbed out of bed, wrapped the blanket around her body, and walked to the dresser to fetch a long nightshirt. She didn’t glance back as she left the bedroom.
She used the spare bedroom to change into the shirt, folded the blanket, and walked into the living room area and ordered dinner to be brought up to her. She knew they would hurry. She moved to the couch and collapsed. Trisha and Brawn remained in the bedroom.
“How do I make her stop crying?” Brawn was frustrated. “I never meant to hurt her. I did want her but everyone assured me it would be wrong. I was ordered not to contact her. I hoped she would contact me but she didn’t. How do I fix this?”
Trisha glanced at the tall Species who climbed out of bed and paced. “You hurt her feelings, Brawn. When you met her she was interested in you and you made it clear you’d never want a human. You were kidnapped, you grew really close during the ordeal and she had hopes that you’d changed your mind about wanting her. When you didn’t call her or see her again she was obviously hurt by that because she felt something for you. I know you were ordered to stay away and why. She still got hurt and that’s the bottom line. She’s certain that you didn’t feel anything for her until you found out about the baby.”
“I felt things.” He was grim. “I wanted to call, wanted to go to her, but I didn’t want to cause her pain. Everyone said I would do exactly that. I was thinking of her feelings. She saw horrible things when we were taken and got a taste of what we had dealt with in our past. I saw horror in her eyes sometimes and fear. I thought she might relive that if she saw me. I left it up to her to contact me. I hoped every day she would but she never did. Why didn’t she come to me if she had feelings? Why?” He stopped pacing to stare at Trisha. “I’m happy about this baby. I get her. It makes her mine and that’s what I wanted. Why can’t she see that?”
Trisha bit her lip. “We’re not Species, Brawn. In our world the men usually come after the women.”
“I read books and modern females want to be the aggressors in relationships.”
The doctor smiled. “Yeah, well, most of those articles don’t speak for all women. I like a man asking me out, opening my doors and being the one in charge. I’m mated to a Species male, remember? Slade is near barbaric at times and I love that about him. Don’t go overboard and insult her by not taking her feelings into consideration but women want a male to sweep them off their feet. She waited for you to come storm the castle.”
“I’m sorry, beautiful. I’d rather hurt myself than you.”
Becca could hear the honest distress in Brawn’s voice. It forced her to get a grip on her emotions. “It’s not you. I swear you didn’t hurt me during sex. It’s…just me. I’m a mess inside. Please, Brawn. You didn’t hurt me.”
“Then why are you crying? Look me in the eye as we talk.”
She sniffed. “We have nothing in common. I’m not what you want. You…” She sniffed again. “You and I can’t work out. We need to stop seeing each other. It’s only going to be harder once the baby comes if we don’t end this now.”
His body tensed behind hers. “I am not going to end us, Becca. Never. You are mine.”
Becca started to cry again. She heard a door slam and thought it was from another suite. Brawn held her firmly and his body was cocooned around hers from the back.
“I’m here,” Trisha panted. “What is the emergency?”
Becca tensed and lifted her head to gawk at Trisha. The doctor wore a pink jogging suit and carried a bag. Their eyes met and Trisha moved toward the bed.
“Brawn said he might have injured you during sex, Becca. Where are you hurting? Is there any bleeding? Cramping?”
“She says I did not injure her during sex.” Brawn sighed. “I do not know why she cries but I see pain in her eyes, Trisha. How do I help her?”
Trisha dropped her bag and sat on the edge of the bed. She met Becca’s tear-filled eyes. “What is it, Becca? Talk to me. You have Brawn really worried. Trust me. For a Species male to call out for help this way, he’s really worried. Did he accidentally hurt you during sex? Talk to me.”
Becca bit her lip. “I was married before.”
Trisha blinked. “I remember. I was surprised when I found out because your last name is the same as your father’s.”
“I took my maiden name back after my husband died.”
“Do you feel guilty over having a baby when he is dead?” Trisha’s features softened. “That’s normal but you know you shouldn’t.”
Becca wiped at tears. “My marriage was miserable.”
Trisha gave her a compassionate look. “You’re afraid to commit. That’s understandable.”
Becca shook her head. “Bradley was an investment broker. He wanted a wife who came from money and my grandfather was loaded. He thought he’d have an in with my grandpa and get the job of handling his money if he married me. I thought he loved me but it wasn’t me he wanted.”
“Shit.” Trisha handed her a tissue she pulled from the bag. “I’m so sorry.”
“What is an investment broker? Why would he want in with your grandfather? In where?” Brawn propped his head up on his arm.
Trisha answered. “He thought marrying Becca would make him rich through her family. That’s the bottom line, isn’t it?” Trisha glanced at her.
Becca blew her nose. “He didn’t know my gramps planned to leave it all to charity, that I wouldn’t be rich when he died and was only left part of his property. Bradley was furious when he found out he wasn’t even allowed to sell my house. My grandpa has a clause that my father has to agree to sell too since he owns the other half and Dad won’t ever do that. Ever. In other words, he couldn’t touch it.”
“Good for your grandpa,” Trisha muttered.
“To make matters worse, I embarrassed him around his friends because I didn’t understand much about his job or what he did. We had nothing in common. I tried to be what I thought he wanted but I could never make him happy. We were both miserable. The only reason we didn’t divorce was because he didn’t want to admit he’d made a mistake to everyone. It would have embarrassed him more than I did and been bad for business. People trusted him with their money but they like family men to do that. Not single divorced guys who drink, party and could be playboy types. I didn’t divorce him because my father had told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life getting married. I’m stubborn and I kept thinking if I tried harder I could turn it around and save our marriage.”
The room remained silent. Becca was glad she couldn’t see Brawn, with him snuggled behind her. She didn’t think she could continue talking if she had to look him in the eyes. It was important though that she make him understand why she was crying and why they could never work out.
“My husband had a rare heart defect we didn’t know about. They only discovered it during his autopsy. He wasn’t with me when he died. I lied and said he was away for a business trip but it wasn’t the truth. Our sex life was almost nonexistent. He rarely touched me. I thought…” She sniffed. “I thought something was wrong with me. I tried so hard to figure out what I was doing wrong and be what he wanted sexually but it only made him angry when I tried. He’d yell at me and sleep on the couch.”
Brawn softly growled and his arm around her tightened. Becca didn’t turn to look at him, instead kept her gaze locked with Trisha’s.
“The police came to our condo to inform me Bradley had died in another woman’s apartment. They’d been having an affair for months and he kept her a few blocks away, rented the place as their love nest. He was into things—liked to wear leather and had his mistress whip him. He was into pain. When I got his personal items from the coroner that’s what I got in the bag. He was wearing a leather outfit when he suffered the rupture in his heart. She’d been spanking him when he died. I saw a shrink afterward. I was pretty confused and emotionally messed up. She told me that some men need to be dominated the way Bradley obviously did, that some men enjoy that kind of pain to get off and he knew I’d never be into that. It’s why he rarely touched me. It’s why…” Becca wiped her eyes. “No matter what I did, I could never have made him happy.”
“I’m sorry,” Trisha said softly. “The shrink was right. I’ve heard of this before. Some men marry one sort of woman but have a darker side they hide. It’s the deceit and the lies that flip their switch.”
Becca shrugged. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I just don’t want to make the same mistake twice and end up being that unhappy again. I just can’t take it.”
Trisha frowned. “I’m not sure I understand.”
Becca cleared her throat. “Can I talk to Trisha alone, Brawn?”
“No.” His hold on her tightened. “Tell me why you are crying and why you are crying over your dead husband. Do you still love him?”
“God no!” Becca immediately regretted her outburst. She locked her gaze on Trisha.
“Just talk to me and try to forget he’s here. He’s worried and he needs to know why you’re so upset.” Trisha’s voice softened as she glanced at Brawn. “You just be quiet and let her talk.”
Becca took a breath. “The first time I saw Brawn I thought…” She sniffed. “I thought he had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen. He was so hot. I was attracted to him instantly. I—” She suddenly laughed. “I thought he’d make a great stripper with that body and wished I could see him out of his clothes.”
Trisha grinned. “They do like to dance. You should have Brawn take you to the bar at the hotel.”
“Then he told me why he would never touch someone like me.”
Brawn tensed. “Becca—”
Trisha shot him a glare. “Shut up. Not a word. Let her talk. If you won’t leave than be quiet and stop interrupting.”
He softly growled but he didn’t speak. Brawn shifted on the bed, getting more comfortable. Becca realized he wasn’t going to leave.
“Keep going. Talk to me,” Trisha urged. “I want to hear this. Why wouldn’t he be with you?”
“He thinks we’re too frail. He likes not to restrain himself, to have rougher sex than our bodies can handle.”
Trisha didn’t look surprised. “They could easily hurt us. They sometimes use their teeth and they are very aggressive. It’s a valid fear, Becca. There are a lot of Species men who say they won’t touch human females because of that. They are afraid they’d…break them somehow. Tear them up inside. Snap a bone by accident. Some of them like to wrestle a bit with a female before sex. If my husband wrestled with me the way some of them do, I’d probably be in a body cast.” Trisha smiled to soften her words. “But Slade doesn’t hurt me. If you are afraid Brawn will hurt you I can understand that but you’ll both learn how to balance it out so no one gets hurt.”
“I’m not afraid of him hurting me.” Becca shook her head. “It’s Bradley all over again. Don’t you see that? Brawn needs things I can’t ever give him. He can’t be as rough as he wants and is always going to have to worry about hurting me. He’ll always have to stay in control when he doesn’t want to. He needs things sexually that he’ll never be able to get from me.”
Brawn softly cursed. “Becca, it’s all right. I don’t need that. I don’t want to be rough with you. I do worry about hurting you because I would rather hurt myself first.”
“The point is,” Becca continued, “I’m not what you really want. I can’t give you the things you need. I can’t take falling for you when I have done this before and I know how it ends.” Becca turned her head to stare into Brawn’s eyes.
“I—”
Becca cut him off. “You will grow to resent me. It was loud and clear when you never contacted me, Brawn. I got it. You had sex with me because we were trapped and we only had each other to lean on. You were honest the first time we met about your feelings about human women. We have nothing in common, we’re from two different worlds and you’re only here for the baby. If I hadn’t gotten pregnant I never would have seen you again. I’m not going to do this, Brawn. I’m not going to try a relationship that is doomed to fail. You’ll withdraw from me and you’ll cheat. I’ll grow to depend on you, love you and you’ll break my heart. You need to leave. That’s why I’m crying. That’s how you’re hurting me. I can’t survive that again.”
Brawn brushed at Becca’s fresh tears with his thumb. “Becca…”
“Don’t,” she sniffed. “Don’t even deny it. You can’t. You never called and you never even came to see me to get your things. There’s no way around that. I waited six weeks, hoping you’d call and say what happened between us meant something to you. I got my answer and there isn’t a thing you can say or do that is going to tell me otherwise. You’re a liar if you try. Now let me go. I’m hungry.” She tried to wiggle away from him. “Don’t touch me again, Brawn. We’ll become friends for the baby’s sake but don’t pull this claiming shit on me because I refuse to let you tear out my heart. Now move.”
“No. I wanted you. I was ordered not to contact you. I worried that seeing me would cause you pain. You went through a trauma and Species involved with humans only seem to draw danger. I thought about you all the time.”
“Let her go,” Trisha ordered. “We need to talk, Brawn. She needs to calm down a little before you tell her anything. Trust me.”
Brawn moved, letting Becca up. It was obvious from his expression that he didn’t want to. Becca climbed out of bed, wrapped the blanket around her body, and walked to the dresser to fetch a long nightshirt. She didn’t glance back as she left the bedroom.
She used the spare bedroom to change into the shirt, folded the blanket, and walked into the living room area and ordered dinner to be brought up to her. She knew they would hurry. She moved to the couch and collapsed. Trisha and Brawn remained in the bedroom.
“How do I make her stop crying?” Brawn was frustrated. “I never meant to hurt her. I did want her but everyone assured me it would be wrong. I was ordered not to contact her. I hoped she would contact me but she didn’t. How do I fix this?”
Trisha glanced at the tall Species who climbed out of bed and paced. “You hurt her feelings, Brawn. When you met her she was interested in you and you made it clear you’d never want a human. You were kidnapped, you grew really close during the ordeal and she had hopes that you’d changed your mind about wanting her. When you didn’t call her or see her again she was obviously hurt by that because she felt something for you. I know you were ordered to stay away and why. She still got hurt and that’s the bottom line. She’s certain that you didn’t feel anything for her until you found out about the baby.”
“I felt things.” He was grim. “I wanted to call, wanted to go to her, but I didn’t want to cause her pain. Everyone said I would do exactly that. I was thinking of her feelings. She saw horrible things when we were taken and got a taste of what we had dealt with in our past. I saw horror in her eyes sometimes and fear. I thought she might relive that if she saw me. I left it up to her to contact me. I hoped every day she would but she never did. Why didn’t she come to me if she had feelings? Why?” He stopped pacing to stare at Trisha. “I’m happy about this baby. I get her. It makes her mine and that’s what I wanted. Why can’t she see that?”
Trisha bit her lip. “We’re not Species, Brawn. In our world the men usually come after the women.”
“I read books and modern females want to be the aggressors in relationships.”
The doctor smiled. “Yeah, well, most of those articles don’t speak for all women. I like a man asking me out, opening my doors and being the one in charge. I’m mated to a Species male, remember? Slade is near barbaric at times and I love that about him. Don’t go overboard and insult her by not taking her feelings into consideration but women want a male to sweep them off their feet. She waited for you to come storm the castle.”
