Breathe with Me
Page 78
“Not all of the people you love die,” he says softly.
“The ones that matter the most.”
“Mark isn’t dead, Meredith.” He grips my shoulders tightly. “He’s not dead.”
I nod again. I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing, nodding like an imbecile. But then the image of my father in that hospital bed enters my head. My mom lying on him, keening in pain and agony and I shake my head in denial.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this.
“He’s here,” Sam says as she rushes over to us. “The chick with the computer—”
“Is that her name?” Luke asks sarcastically.
“—said that the ambulance just got here. He’s going to be examined and stuff before we can go back.” She cups my face in her hands, not gently, and says, “He’s not dead.”
He’s not dead.
“How long until I can see him?”
“She didn’t know.”
It’s the longest fucking two hours of my life.
“I’m sorry,” computer chick says with sympathetic eyes. “They’ve taken him back for some tests. As soon as he’s ready you’ll be the first to know.”
“If you just tell him I’m here, he’ll want me back there with him,” I beg.
“You can’t be in the area where the tests are being done. I promise, I’ll call you back as soon as I get the okay from his nurse.”
“His nurse and I are going to have some words,” Sam says with a snarl. We both turn away just as Isaac comes running through the door.
“I couldn’t get here sooner. I had to talk to cops and calm the crew down and…” He sees me and immediately hugs me close. “How are you holding up, sugar?”
“Not great,” I reply honestly. “They won’t let us back to see him. So you need to tell me if he’s okay.”
“I think so,” he replies. “I don’t think he passed out, but I didn’t want to take any chances.”
“How in the fucking hell does a person get hit by a car on a construction site?” I ask him angrily.
“Fucking looky-loo. Too damn busy checking out the house rather than watching what’s happening in front of her damn car and going too fast. Mark was looking at his phone and just walking around his Jeep, he wasn’t even walking across the street, and she hit him, full on. Sent him flying. Scariest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Ms. Summers? You can go back with him now.”
“Go ahead,” Luke says. “Sam and I will wait here for our parents.”
I nod and follow Computer Chick into the bowels of the ER. Someone is crying. She leads me to a room with a curtain drawn around the bed. I swallow hard and for a millisecond I consider running away, but instead I take a deep breath and walk right in and around the curtain.
And there is my man, in a hospital gown, his hair a little bloody, his face and arms scraped, and a big, fat smile on his arrogant face.
“Hey, M,” he says.
I immediately burst into tears. I sit in the chair next to his bed and sink my head and arms onto his lap, crying big, gulping sobs.
“Shh…” He’s rubbing my head now, my shoulders and back. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay, baby.”
“You could have died!” I cry into his lap.
“I am fine.” He grips my shoulders and makes me sit up to look at him. “Look at me. Meredith.”
I can’t open my eyes. I feel so foolish. I know he thinks I’m overreacting. Everyone does, but they haven’t been in my shoes. They don’t understand.
“Meredith. Breathe. Breathe with me, baby.” He scoots down in the bed and leans his forehead on mine. “Come on. You’re having a panic attack. Breathe deep and slow, Meredith.”
He calms me. My heart slowly returns to normal and my tears stop until I look up into his gorgeous blue eyes and I lose it again.
“Baby, I’m okay.”
“I know. But I didn’t know before, and it reminded me of Dad and Tiff, and oh my God, Mark, I can’t do that ever again.”
“Stop.” His voice is brisk now. “Stop it before I call the nurse in here for you.”
“Are you going to be okay?” I whisper.
“Yes. I’m scraped up, and I have a knot on my head, but I’m fine. They wanted to do a CAT scan to make sure I don’t have internal injuries.”
“Do you?” My heart stops again.
“No. I’m fine. I’ll be sore as hell tomorrow, but I’ll walk out of here as soon as Nurse Ratchet brings me my fucking papers and more pain meds.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
He reaches for a rolling table at this bedside and holds up his phone. The screen is shattered.
I close my eyes in relief and I’m suddenly being lifted into Mark’s lap.
“What are you doing?”
“Calming you the fuck down.” He cradles me against him and rocks us back and forth. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in my place in his neck, holding on tightly. God, I love him. He’s everything to me. I can’t lose him the way my mom lost Dad. I don’t think I’d survive it.
And I will eventually lose him. Because I lose everyone I love.
As we sit here silently, I cling to him as I realize what I have to do.
I have to give him up.
I cup his face gently in my hands and kiss him softly. My lips linger on his for a moment as I breathe him in and my hands trace the strong muscles in his arms.
“The ones that matter the most.”
“Mark isn’t dead, Meredith.” He grips my shoulders tightly. “He’s not dead.”
I nod again. I feel like that’s all I’ve been doing, nodding like an imbecile. But then the image of my father in that hospital bed enters my head. My mom lying on him, keening in pain and agony and I shake my head in denial.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this.
“He’s here,” Sam says as she rushes over to us. “The chick with the computer—”
“Is that her name?” Luke asks sarcastically.
“—said that the ambulance just got here. He’s going to be examined and stuff before we can go back.” She cups my face in her hands, not gently, and says, “He’s not dead.”
He’s not dead.
“How long until I can see him?”
“She didn’t know.”
It’s the longest fucking two hours of my life.
“I’m sorry,” computer chick says with sympathetic eyes. “They’ve taken him back for some tests. As soon as he’s ready you’ll be the first to know.”
“If you just tell him I’m here, he’ll want me back there with him,” I beg.
“You can’t be in the area where the tests are being done. I promise, I’ll call you back as soon as I get the okay from his nurse.”
“His nurse and I are going to have some words,” Sam says with a snarl. We both turn away just as Isaac comes running through the door.
“I couldn’t get here sooner. I had to talk to cops and calm the crew down and…” He sees me and immediately hugs me close. “How are you holding up, sugar?”
“Not great,” I reply honestly. “They won’t let us back to see him. So you need to tell me if he’s okay.”
“I think so,” he replies. “I don’t think he passed out, but I didn’t want to take any chances.”
“How in the fucking hell does a person get hit by a car on a construction site?” I ask him angrily.
“Fucking looky-loo. Too damn busy checking out the house rather than watching what’s happening in front of her damn car and going too fast. Mark was looking at his phone and just walking around his Jeep, he wasn’t even walking across the street, and she hit him, full on. Sent him flying. Scariest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”
“Ms. Summers? You can go back with him now.”
“Go ahead,” Luke says. “Sam and I will wait here for our parents.”
I nod and follow Computer Chick into the bowels of the ER. Someone is crying. She leads me to a room with a curtain drawn around the bed. I swallow hard and for a millisecond I consider running away, but instead I take a deep breath and walk right in and around the curtain.
And there is my man, in a hospital gown, his hair a little bloody, his face and arms scraped, and a big, fat smile on his arrogant face.
“Hey, M,” he says.
I immediately burst into tears. I sit in the chair next to his bed and sink my head and arms onto his lap, crying big, gulping sobs.
“Shh…” He’s rubbing my head now, my shoulders and back. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay, baby.”
“You could have died!” I cry into his lap.
“I am fine.” He grips my shoulders and makes me sit up to look at him. “Look at me. Meredith.”
I can’t open my eyes. I feel so foolish. I know he thinks I’m overreacting. Everyone does, but they haven’t been in my shoes. They don’t understand.
“Meredith. Breathe. Breathe with me, baby.” He scoots down in the bed and leans his forehead on mine. “Come on. You’re having a panic attack. Breathe deep and slow, Meredith.”
He calms me. My heart slowly returns to normal and my tears stop until I look up into his gorgeous blue eyes and I lose it again.
“Baby, I’m okay.”
“I know. But I didn’t know before, and it reminded me of Dad and Tiff, and oh my God, Mark, I can’t do that ever again.”
“Stop.” His voice is brisk now. “Stop it before I call the nurse in here for you.”
“Are you going to be okay?” I whisper.
“Yes. I’m scraped up, and I have a knot on my head, but I’m fine. They wanted to do a CAT scan to make sure I don’t have internal injuries.”
“Do you?” My heart stops again.
“No. I’m fine. I’ll be sore as hell tomorrow, but I’ll walk out of here as soon as Nurse Ratchet brings me my fucking papers and more pain meds.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
He reaches for a rolling table at this bedside and holds up his phone. The screen is shattered.
I close my eyes in relief and I’m suddenly being lifted into Mark’s lap.
“What are you doing?”
“Calming you the fuck down.” He cradles me against him and rocks us back and forth. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my face in my place in his neck, holding on tightly. God, I love him. He’s everything to me. I can’t lose him the way my mom lost Dad. I don’t think I’d survive it.
And I will eventually lose him. Because I lose everyone I love.
As we sit here silently, I cling to him as I realize what I have to do.
I have to give him up.
I cup his face gently in my hands and kiss him softly. My lips linger on his for a moment as I breathe him in and my hands trace the strong muscles in his arms.
