Broken and Screwed 2
Page 81
I told him one night that it was ironic. He had grown up as if he didn’t have a family, but now he did. I was the opposite. I had grown up with a family, but now I didn’t. He rolled his eyes and lifted me on top of him. Then he proceeded to undress me and show me how I was still his family, no matter what. And then one day I headed towards my old dorm room. My last final had been turned in and I had left a bag in my room. I needed to get it before I headed back to Jesse’s.
I heard in the distance, “Alexi, come back here.”
A little girl was running down the sidewalk towards me. A high-pitched giggle came from her as she pumped her arms harder. Her legs went too fast and fierce determination came over her next. A slender girl raced after her. They shared the same blonde curls, but when the little girl saw me, she braked suddenly. Her eyes got big and her cheeks puffed out. The mother hurried and caught up, lifting the girl in her arms. Fat arms and chubby legs wrapped around her, but she twisted back to me. Her eyes didn’t look away. Her thumb slipped up and popped in her mouth. Her other hand caught hold of some of her curls and she hung there. She pulled on her hair as she continued sucking her thumb, all while she never looked away from me.
I couldn’t either.
I felt the breath knocked out of me. Someone took a sledgehammer to my chest. I was batting practice.
This was Ethan. Or she was Ethan. This was his little girl. I knew it. Every cell in my body told me that and I jerked forward. The mom started to turn, but I called out, “Wait!”
She turned back, frowning at me. Her free hand went to cover her eyes. As she saw me, her eyes got big. Her mouth fell open to form a small o and she suddenly went rigid.
This was Claire.
My eyes shifted to the daughter. That was Alexi.
I hurried towards them, fearful she’d decide to scramble. I caught up before she could have that thought and I stuck my hand out. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I hoped my voice was sturdy as I said, “I’m Alex. I’m Ethan’s sister.”
She chewed on her lip for a moment and then she nodded. She never shook my hand. “I know.”
“You’re Claire.” But my gaze couldn’t leave the little girl. She had Ethan’s eyes. She had Ethan’s mouth. She was Ethan. I just knew it. It was like my brother was back with me and not in a haunting presence anymore. “And who are you?”
She smiled, still sucking her thumb, before she twisted and buried her head into her mother’s shoulder. Claire’s smile was sad as she covered her daughter’s head. She blinked away some tears and cleared her throat before she could say, “This is Alexi.” Regret flared over in a second and she amended, “Alexandra. Her name is Alexandra.”
A huge knot formed at the base of my throat. Did she mean…
“We talked about names, Ethan and me. He wanted her named after his little sister.” She rolled her eyes, but in a good way. A small grin came over her. “He always talked about you. He adored you, you know.”
I bit my lip. I was trying to keep from sobbing. I had done so much over the last few years.
“Anyway,” she took a deep breath and forced a brighter smile. “I came here to introduce you to your niece. This is Alexandra Claira Connors.”
“You took his name?”
She nodded, and then shrugged before she turned away. “He wanted that. I wanted my daughter to have a piece of her daddy. And of her aunt. Stupid, I know, considering that I haven’t wanted anything to do with your family. But whatever. I came here to tell you not to blame Jesse. I threatened him if he told you about us. I knew Ethan hadn’t. I threatened him too. Both of them wanted you to know, but I couldn’t handle it. Not then, anyway. I can barely handle it now.”
I was struck speechless.
And then I realized how beautiful this girl was. She had almond eyes with freckles over her complexion. A small mouth was adorned with pastel pink lips. When she turned in the sun, her hair framed her face. It gave her the illusion of a halo. I knew why my brother had fallen for this girl. She was an angel. In his romantic ideal, that’s why he loved her. If she had the kindness that I figured she must’ve, Ethan would’ve made this woman his wife. Being torn apart from her gave me some understanding of why he did what he did.
If only he had fought. If only he had stood against our father.
“Listen, uh…” She brushed at her eye.
Alexi turned back. She hunched down between her shoulders before she darted back to her mother’s shoulders. She was playing peek-a-boo with me.
I tried to keep from grinning too much.
Her mom took on a serious tone. “Jesse’s been begging me to tell you about Alexi, but I refused. I thought you were like your parents and I don’t want them anywhere near her.”
I nodded.
“And, uh…” she turned away again. Her throat was trembling and she bit her lip again. “Anyway, I threatened Jesse. I knew about all of the affairs Malcolm had when he was married to Evelyn. My dad worked with Malcolm for years. I said I’d go to the press and ruin his mom’s memory if he said anything to you. To give him credit, I think he stayed quiet out of loyalty to Ethan, but I knew it was hurting him. He loves you. He always had. Ethan talked about it. I was sick and tired of hearing him moan about his best friend and his sister. Once we got pregnant, he stopped caring so much about that. But anyway. God, what am I doing here? That’s right.” She hoisted her daughter higher up, adjusting for a better hold on her. “So this is your niece. Alexandra Claira Connors. I’m a sap.” She gave her daughter a soft smile, one that showed her love and she tucked some of Alexi’s curls behind her ear. “Ethan wanted her named after you and I gave her my name. That’s how we started talking, about you. He said your middle name was my first name. But I gave her different spelling. I wanted her to be different. Special. Oh my word.” She fanned herself. “I’m just rambling. I’m so nervous. You’re not what I thought you’d be.”
My own nervousness came out. I couldn’t even laugh normally now.
Her eyes pinned to mine. She heard it and relaxed. She was able to breathe normal again. “So, uh, what now? Do you want to be her godmother?”
My eyes got big again. My chest was starting to hurt, too much to speak.
It wasn’t a problem. Claire kept going, “I know it’s late. Three years late, almost, but we’re having a birthday party at my mom’s. She helps her out a lot. I live with her and go to the community college in Clarkson. That’s where we live. I do what I can. I’d love if you and Jesse would come. Please not your mom. Your mother hasn’t stopped calling me for the last two months. I can’t handle it anymore. I think that’s another reason why I came here. Can you talk to her? Although Jesse said you don’t see them either. I think that’s when I decided to reach out. Maybe you’re not like them. Ethan always said you weren’t. He said you were so kind and so gentle. He said you’re nice. There are so many people who aren’t nice. So many people are so selfish, but I can see he was right. And I’m kicking myself for not listening to him. I was so mad at your family. Then I was mad at Ethan. We broke up and he never tried to see me—”
I heard in the distance, “Alexi, come back here.”
A little girl was running down the sidewalk towards me. A high-pitched giggle came from her as she pumped her arms harder. Her legs went too fast and fierce determination came over her next. A slender girl raced after her. They shared the same blonde curls, but when the little girl saw me, she braked suddenly. Her eyes got big and her cheeks puffed out. The mother hurried and caught up, lifting the girl in her arms. Fat arms and chubby legs wrapped around her, but she twisted back to me. Her eyes didn’t look away. Her thumb slipped up and popped in her mouth. Her other hand caught hold of some of her curls and she hung there. She pulled on her hair as she continued sucking her thumb, all while she never looked away from me.
I couldn’t either.
I felt the breath knocked out of me. Someone took a sledgehammer to my chest. I was batting practice.
This was Ethan. Or she was Ethan. This was his little girl. I knew it. Every cell in my body told me that and I jerked forward. The mom started to turn, but I called out, “Wait!”
She turned back, frowning at me. Her free hand went to cover her eyes. As she saw me, her eyes got big. Her mouth fell open to form a small o and she suddenly went rigid.
This was Claire.
My eyes shifted to the daughter. That was Alexi.
I hurried towards them, fearful she’d decide to scramble. I caught up before she could have that thought and I stuck my hand out. My heart was pounding out of my chest. I hoped my voice was sturdy as I said, “I’m Alex. I’m Ethan’s sister.”
She chewed on her lip for a moment and then she nodded. She never shook my hand. “I know.”
“You’re Claire.” But my gaze couldn’t leave the little girl. She had Ethan’s eyes. She had Ethan’s mouth. She was Ethan. I just knew it. It was like my brother was back with me and not in a haunting presence anymore. “And who are you?”
She smiled, still sucking her thumb, before she twisted and buried her head into her mother’s shoulder. Claire’s smile was sad as she covered her daughter’s head. She blinked away some tears and cleared her throat before she could say, “This is Alexi.” Regret flared over in a second and she amended, “Alexandra. Her name is Alexandra.”
A huge knot formed at the base of my throat. Did she mean…
“We talked about names, Ethan and me. He wanted her named after his little sister.” She rolled her eyes, but in a good way. A small grin came over her. “He always talked about you. He adored you, you know.”
I bit my lip. I was trying to keep from sobbing. I had done so much over the last few years.
“Anyway,” she took a deep breath and forced a brighter smile. “I came here to introduce you to your niece. This is Alexandra Claira Connors.”
“You took his name?”
She nodded, and then shrugged before she turned away. “He wanted that. I wanted my daughter to have a piece of her daddy. And of her aunt. Stupid, I know, considering that I haven’t wanted anything to do with your family. But whatever. I came here to tell you not to blame Jesse. I threatened him if he told you about us. I knew Ethan hadn’t. I threatened him too. Both of them wanted you to know, but I couldn’t handle it. Not then, anyway. I can barely handle it now.”
I was struck speechless.
And then I realized how beautiful this girl was. She had almond eyes with freckles over her complexion. A small mouth was adorned with pastel pink lips. When she turned in the sun, her hair framed her face. It gave her the illusion of a halo. I knew why my brother had fallen for this girl. She was an angel. In his romantic ideal, that’s why he loved her. If she had the kindness that I figured she must’ve, Ethan would’ve made this woman his wife. Being torn apart from her gave me some understanding of why he did what he did.
If only he had fought. If only he had stood against our father.
“Listen, uh…” She brushed at her eye.
Alexi turned back. She hunched down between her shoulders before she darted back to her mother’s shoulders. She was playing peek-a-boo with me.
I tried to keep from grinning too much.
Her mom took on a serious tone. “Jesse’s been begging me to tell you about Alexi, but I refused. I thought you were like your parents and I don’t want them anywhere near her.”
I nodded.
“And, uh…” she turned away again. Her throat was trembling and she bit her lip again. “Anyway, I threatened Jesse. I knew about all of the affairs Malcolm had when he was married to Evelyn. My dad worked with Malcolm for years. I said I’d go to the press and ruin his mom’s memory if he said anything to you. To give him credit, I think he stayed quiet out of loyalty to Ethan, but I knew it was hurting him. He loves you. He always had. Ethan talked about it. I was sick and tired of hearing him moan about his best friend and his sister. Once we got pregnant, he stopped caring so much about that. But anyway. God, what am I doing here? That’s right.” She hoisted her daughter higher up, adjusting for a better hold on her. “So this is your niece. Alexandra Claira Connors. I’m a sap.” She gave her daughter a soft smile, one that showed her love and she tucked some of Alexi’s curls behind her ear. “Ethan wanted her named after you and I gave her my name. That’s how we started talking, about you. He said your middle name was my first name. But I gave her different spelling. I wanted her to be different. Special. Oh my word.” She fanned herself. “I’m just rambling. I’m so nervous. You’re not what I thought you’d be.”
My own nervousness came out. I couldn’t even laugh normally now.
Her eyes pinned to mine. She heard it and relaxed. She was able to breathe normal again. “So, uh, what now? Do you want to be her godmother?”
My eyes got big again. My chest was starting to hurt, too much to speak.
It wasn’t a problem. Claire kept going, “I know it’s late. Three years late, almost, but we’re having a birthday party at my mom’s. She helps her out a lot. I live with her and go to the community college in Clarkson. That’s where we live. I do what I can. I’d love if you and Jesse would come. Please not your mom. Your mother hasn’t stopped calling me for the last two months. I can’t handle it anymore. I think that’s another reason why I came here. Can you talk to her? Although Jesse said you don’t see them either. I think that’s when I decided to reach out. Maybe you’re not like them. Ethan always said you weren’t. He said you were so kind and so gentle. He said you’re nice. There are so many people who aren’t nice. So many people are so selfish, but I can see he was right. And I’m kicking myself for not listening to him. I was so mad at your family. Then I was mad at Ethan. We broke up and he never tried to see me—”
