Broken Open
Page 95
“Ezra isn’t random or generic. He’s not bland. There’s nothing mild about him. There’s no just one bite with him. It’s the most intense thing I’ve ever felt. Even when I first saw him it was like all the air got sucked from the room. I guess for a while I was so overwhelmed with sensation I was wary of it. And then it lasted. I still feel that way every time he’s near. And I realized this was a vastly different sort of thing than I’d had with Eric. You know, I talked with you about it. Anyway, I’ve been struggling with it. Up until Ezra got in between me and the Heywoods.”
“Di spilled some truth in that room.”
“Well, you’ve said a lot of the same stuff, so don’t think I haven’t heard. But it was really her saying you know what? Who cares? Who cares if I love Ezra less or a million times more than I ever did Eric? The only person who would have cared was Eric. I’d been hanging on to all that guilt and maybe I used it to protect myself as long as I could. I closed the door on my marriage with Eric. It’s a memory. It’s part of who I am now and who I’ll continue to be. But whatever this is, I accept it. Ezra has brought so much into my life. As improbable as it seems, he and I are broken and jagged but when you put us together, our broken pieces fit. I am feeling so totally Zen about this right now. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been so one hundred percent okay with where I was and who was in my life. If he can’t love me back it will suck. But I will survive. I know I’m capable of this for someone else and that means a lot. I wasn’t sure I could feel this way again.”
“He’ll come around. He’s grumpy and emo, yes, but smart. You’re the smartest option he has. He’ll realize it. I promise. Anyway, I’m glad you love Ezra. Ezra is wonderful and handsome and smart and sexy and he loves animals. He has two pigs—how can you not just want to boop his nose sometimes?”
Tuesday guffawed at the very thought. “I’ll give you twenty dollars if you do it.”
Natalie’s laugh deepened and went bawdy. This person who’d been with her through so many highs and lows. “So hey. I love you, Natalie. Thank you for being my sister and my friend and my lighthouse. You never let me get too lost.”
“You’re going to make me cry. I love you, too. I honestly wouldn’t be here today without you.”
That’s what she’d told Ezra she needed. He needed to accept living every damned day. With her. He had to pick her and life and a future where they were open to all the other came along with.
“No more living in blacks and grays. Loving Ezra has left me broken open. I can’t pull myself back together if he walks away. He’s my missing piece. Don’t get me wrong—if he comes back and says he can’t give me what I need, I’ll survive. That’s how life goes. But I want to move forward with him.”
“I want that for you, too. You deserve it. Let’s buy stuff today. Let’s get some new shoes and some cute outfits and go out in one tonight.”
“You’re on.”
* * *
“DO YOU WANT me to drop you off at Paddy’s?” Tuesday asked Natalie as she got off the highway after a fun day with her sister and brother the day before. They’d gone up to Seattle and spent the night at a swanky boutique hotel and had gone to dinner and had drinks and even went dancing in the new outfits they’d bought. That morning they’d got up, had a nice brunch and she’d dropped both her siblings off at SeaTac on their way back to Hood River.
It had been a long day with a lot of driving so it really wouldn’t be that big a deal to just take Nat up to the ranch if she didn’t want to drive up herself. Plus she could look at Ezra’s house and go say hello to the pigs. But mainly she was going to say she was just being a good friend to drop Nat off at her boyfriend’s place.
“That’s okay. I’m going to take a long shower and then read and go to bed early. I have a lot on my to-do list at work in the morning.” To underline that, Natalie actually had to pause to yawn in the middle of the sentence.
It was probably just as well she didn’t go up there. She had to keep hope and yet not torture herself with it. He’d be back and come to her. If he didn’t, he wasn’t worthy of her.
Once home, Tuesday made them some soup before both women headed up to their respective sides of the house.
The plumbing was good, but the house was big and so she let Nat take the first round and then showered later. Since she had the time she chose a new color for her nails and toes and then deep-conditioned her hair. There was all sorts of moisturizing and trimming and plucking and several hours later she washed off the mask goop and gave herself a look in the mirror. Smooth and soft. Her nails and toes shiny in a summery coral shade.
She pulled out a navy blue dress to wear to the gallery the next day and realized the sandals she’d want to wear with them weren’t in her closet.
Grabbing a robe, she headed downstairs through the kitchen to see if she’d left them at the back door. If not, they might be in her trunk but she didn’t think so.
She looked around under the bench at the entry and finally realized the tapping she’d been hearing wasn’t Natalie doing something upstairs, it was at the door.
Clutching her robe tighter, she went to look out the peephole and then wrenched the door open to find Ezra standing there.
She didn’t have words, all her Zen gone. Now she worried he’d say no thanks and she’d have to live without him. If he did, though, she’d have so much hot revenge dating around town!
“Di spilled some truth in that room.”
“Well, you’ve said a lot of the same stuff, so don’t think I haven’t heard. But it was really her saying you know what? Who cares? Who cares if I love Ezra less or a million times more than I ever did Eric? The only person who would have cared was Eric. I’d been hanging on to all that guilt and maybe I used it to protect myself as long as I could. I closed the door on my marriage with Eric. It’s a memory. It’s part of who I am now and who I’ll continue to be. But whatever this is, I accept it. Ezra has brought so much into my life. As improbable as it seems, he and I are broken and jagged but when you put us together, our broken pieces fit. I am feeling so totally Zen about this right now. It’s been a really long time since I’ve been so one hundred percent okay with where I was and who was in my life. If he can’t love me back it will suck. But I will survive. I know I’m capable of this for someone else and that means a lot. I wasn’t sure I could feel this way again.”
“He’ll come around. He’s grumpy and emo, yes, but smart. You’re the smartest option he has. He’ll realize it. I promise. Anyway, I’m glad you love Ezra. Ezra is wonderful and handsome and smart and sexy and he loves animals. He has two pigs—how can you not just want to boop his nose sometimes?”
Tuesday guffawed at the very thought. “I’ll give you twenty dollars if you do it.”
Natalie’s laugh deepened and went bawdy. This person who’d been with her through so many highs and lows. “So hey. I love you, Natalie. Thank you for being my sister and my friend and my lighthouse. You never let me get too lost.”
“You’re going to make me cry. I love you, too. I honestly wouldn’t be here today without you.”
That’s what she’d told Ezra she needed. He needed to accept living every damned day. With her. He had to pick her and life and a future where they were open to all the other came along with.
“No more living in blacks and grays. Loving Ezra has left me broken open. I can’t pull myself back together if he walks away. He’s my missing piece. Don’t get me wrong—if he comes back and says he can’t give me what I need, I’ll survive. That’s how life goes. But I want to move forward with him.”
“I want that for you, too. You deserve it. Let’s buy stuff today. Let’s get some new shoes and some cute outfits and go out in one tonight.”
“You’re on.”
* * *
“DO YOU WANT me to drop you off at Paddy’s?” Tuesday asked Natalie as she got off the highway after a fun day with her sister and brother the day before. They’d gone up to Seattle and spent the night at a swanky boutique hotel and had gone to dinner and had drinks and even went dancing in the new outfits they’d bought. That morning they’d got up, had a nice brunch and she’d dropped both her siblings off at SeaTac on their way back to Hood River.
It had been a long day with a lot of driving so it really wouldn’t be that big a deal to just take Nat up to the ranch if she didn’t want to drive up herself. Plus she could look at Ezra’s house and go say hello to the pigs. But mainly she was going to say she was just being a good friend to drop Nat off at her boyfriend’s place.
“That’s okay. I’m going to take a long shower and then read and go to bed early. I have a lot on my to-do list at work in the morning.” To underline that, Natalie actually had to pause to yawn in the middle of the sentence.
It was probably just as well she didn’t go up there. She had to keep hope and yet not torture herself with it. He’d be back and come to her. If he didn’t, he wasn’t worthy of her.
Once home, Tuesday made them some soup before both women headed up to their respective sides of the house.
The plumbing was good, but the house was big and so she let Nat take the first round and then showered later. Since she had the time she chose a new color for her nails and toes and then deep-conditioned her hair. There was all sorts of moisturizing and trimming and plucking and several hours later she washed off the mask goop and gave herself a look in the mirror. Smooth and soft. Her nails and toes shiny in a summery coral shade.
She pulled out a navy blue dress to wear to the gallery the next day and realized the sandals she’d want to wear with them weren’t in her closet.
Grabbing a robe, she headed downstairs through the kitchen to see if she’d left them at the back door. If not, they might be in her trunk but she didn’t think so.
She looked around under the bench at the entry and finally realized the tapping she’d been hearing wasn’t Natalie doing something upstairs, it was at the door.
Clutching her robe tighter, she went to look out the peephole and then wrenched the door open to find Ezra standing there.
She didn’t have words, all her Zen gone. Now she worried he’d say no thanks and she’d have to live without him. If he did, though, she’d have so much hot revenge dating around town!
