Broken Open
Page 96
They looked at one another for long, silent moments. Finally, he stepped into the house and pulled her to his body, burying his face in her neck.
Joy rained through her, soaking into her cells until she was saturated and trying not to cry. “You’re here.”
“You promised. And here you are.” He said it with a little edge of wonder in his tone. Like she’d planned to be down here right then when he got to her door.
She took his face in her hands. “I told you I would be. Still don’t trust me? Why are you at my door at eleven-thirty on a Sunday night? I thought you were coming back tomorrow afternoon. ”
He put his hands over hers, drawing them into his, kissing her fingertips. “Beauty, can we talk?”
She wanted to say, only if you’re here to tell me you love me. But she didn’t. “Yes. Come in. Let me lock up.” She reached around him and took care of that, catching sight of her sandals tucked under the ottoman. She bent to snatch them up. “Ha!”
He followed her upstairs and into her room.
“Jeremy’s plane leaves for LAX at six tomorrow morning. I was going to fly back to Portland and then drive here but I didn’t want to waste time. I wanted to see you. So he and I had dinner and I took a private plane. A friend of Damien’s is a pilot. He brought me back here. He brought me back here so I could tell you something. Well, a lot of somethings.”
She hung her robe on the hook and sat on the love seat at the foot of her bed, tucking her feet beneath her.
“I’m in love with you. I may be crappy at it. You can find a million men better for you than me. But I don’t care because you’re mine.”
She nodded sharply. “I’m glad we can agree on this. As a start goes, this is really good.”
He flashed her a grin and she knew to her toes that everything was going to be okay.
“There’s more.”
“Hit me.”
“All my life I’ve felt deeply about stuff. I’ve craved that depth of emotion. Adrenaline, lust, fear, pleasure, whatever, I wanted it and I wanted it in heaping quantities. And then that bit me in the ass.” He sat with her, taking her hands. “So I had to wipe it all out and figure out what was okay to find pleasure in. I had to relearn what it meant to feel good. For a while I felt nothing but intense guilt. It was like the drugs had fucked up my brain. Like I was beyond being moved by normal, everyday things that make people happy. I couldn’t connect. And then it came back slowly. I tried to live and take care of all the stuff my system needed without getting obsessive and so I had my animals and my family and sometimes meaningless sex to keep from exploding.
“And then you. You came into my view and I was no longer choosing what to feel deeply over, easy things usually. You made me feel no matter what I did or didn’t want. Everything was bright and loud and I touched you and things quieted. When I’m with you, everything is manageable. You know me, ugly skeletons in the closet and all, but you see through it. You see right to my heart and I can’t do anything else but tell you I love you. I crave you and over many, many hours of talking to Jeremy and staying up late watching black-and-white movies while writing songs about you, I can say it and be okay with that.”
“Well, okay then. This is getting better and better.”
He leaned in to kiss her quick and hard before speaking again. “Missed your taste. You let me be when I need it and you shake my life up and show me what I’ve been missing. I’m a mess—you know that already. But I’m your mess if that’s cool with you.”
She hugged him, climbing into his lap, raining kisses all over his face. “I think I could probably be all right with that. I love you. I’m glad you’re here.”
“You trusted me to work through it.”
“And you trusted me enough to know I’d be here when you did. I think we’re pretty awesome and also both of us look great naked. And speaking of that, I just realized that standing mirror is perfect.” She kissed him and then got up to aim the mirror a little better so they could watch.
* * *
SHE NEVER CEASED to amaze him. He took in the sight of the cheeks peeking from her panties as she made it possible for them to look at themselves as they had sex. Delightfully and perfectly sexy.
He’d got up to Vancouver and then he and Jeremy had gone out for a ride in Stanley Park and to dinner and back to the apartment they were staying in, talking pretty much all night long about life for both men since their friendship had started to fade.
Jeremy had been nursing guilt, feeling as if it were his fault. Like he’d dropped their friendship and of course Ezra had the same guilt. It had been stupid and once they’d starting talking it was like the old days. Only better because each of them had weathered personal storms and came out the other side better off.
“I knew going up there on the plane that I’d be coming back to you. I just had to find my way there.”
She whipped off her tank top and stepped free from her panties and he grinned. “Hot damn.”
She pointed. “You, too. I want to see you.”
He stood and got naked and she looked him over. “You look good, Hurley. Good enough to be in my bed.” She grinned at the tease and he grabbed her quick, sitting with her in his lap. “I’d have been here tomorrow, too, you know. But I sure am glad you’re here right now.”
He cupped her breasts as he nuzzled her throat. “Me, too. It startles me sometimes, how deeply you make me feel. How much more of it I want from you. I’m greedy. I was stupid to fear any sort of comparison.”
Joy rained through her, soaking into her cells until she was saturated and trying not to cry. “You’re here.”
“You promised. And here you are.” He said it with a little edge of wonder in his tone. Like she’d planned to be down here right then when he got to her door.
She took his face in her hands. “I told you I would be. Still don’t trust me? Why are you at my door at eleven-thirty on a Sunday night? I thought you were coming back tomorrow afternoon. ”
He put his hands over hers, drawing them into his, kissing her fingertips. “Beauty, can we talk?”
She wanted to say, only if you’re here to tell me you love me. But she didn’t. “Yes. Come in. Let me lock up.” She reached around him and took care of that, catching sight of her sandals tucked under the ottoman. She bent to snatch them up. “Ha!”
He followed her upstairs and into her room.
“Jeremy’s plane leaves for LAX at six tomorrow morning. I was going to fly back to Portland and then drive here but I didn’t want to waste time. I wanted to see you. So he and I had dinner and I took a private plane. A friend of Damien’s is a pilot. He brought me back here. He brought me back here so I could tell you something. Well, a lot of somethings.”
She hung her robe on the hook and sat on the love seat at the foot of her bed, tucking her feet beneath her.
“I’m in love with you. I may be crappy at it. You can find a million men better for you than me. But I don’t care because you’re mine.”
She nodded sharply. “I’m glad we can agree on this. As a start goes, this is really good.”
He flashed her a grin and she knew to her toes that everything was going to be okay.
“There’s more.”
“Hit me.”
“All my life I’ve felt deeply about stuff. I’ve craved that depth of emotion. Adrenaline, lust, fear, pleasure, whatever, I wanted it and I wanted it in heaping quantities. And then that bit me in the ass.” He sat with her, taking her hands. “So I had to wipe it all out and figure out what was okay to find pleasure in. I had to relearn what it meant to feel good. For a while I felt nothing but intense guilt. It was like the drugs had fucked up my brain. Like I was beyond being moved by normal, everyday things that make people happy. I couldn’t connect. And then it came back slowly. I tried to live and take care of all the stuff my system needed without getting obsessive and so I had my animals and my family and sometimes meaningless sex to keep from exploding.
“And then you. You came into my view and I was no longer choosing what to feel deeply over, easy things usually. You made me feel no matter what I did or didn’t want. Everything was bright and loud and I touched you and things quieted. When I’m with you, everything is manageable. You know me, ugly skeletons in the closet and all, but you see through it. You see right to my heart and I can’t do anything else but tell you I love you. I crave you and over many, many hours of talking to Jeremy and staying up late watching black-and-white movies while writing songs about you, I can say it and be okay with that.”
“Well, okay then. This is getting better and better.”
He leaned in to kiss her quick and hard before speaking again. “Missed your taste. You let me be when I need it and you shake my life up and show me what I’ve been missing. I’m a mess—you know that already. But I’m your mess if that’s cool with you.”
She hugged him, climbing into his lap, raining kisses all over his face. “I think I could probably be all right with that. I love you. I’m glad you’re here.”
“You trusted me to work through it.”
“And you trusted me enough to know I’d be here when you did. I think we’re pretty awesome and also both of us look great naked. And speaking of that, I just realized that standing mirror is perfect.” She kissed him and then got up to aim the mirror a little better so they could watch.
* * *
SHE NEVER CEASED to amaze him. He took in the sight of the cheeks peeking from her panties as she made it possible for them to look at themselves as they had sex. Delightfully and perfectly sexy.
He’d got up to Vancouver and then he and Jeremy had gone out for a ride in Stanley Park and to dinner and back to the apartment they were staying in, talking pretty much all night long about life for both men since their friendship had started to fade.
Jeremy had been nursing guilt, feeling as if it were his fault. Like he’d dropped their friendship and of course Ezra had the same guilt. It had been stupid and once they’d starting talking it was like the old days. Only better because each of them had weathered personal storms and came out the other side better off.
“I knew going up there on the plane that I’d be coming back to you. I just had to find my way there.”
She whipped off her tank top and stepped free from her panties and he grinned. “Hot damn.”
She pointed. “You, too. I want to see you.”
He stood and got naked and she looked him over. “You look good, Hurley. Good enough to be in my bed.” She grinned at the tease and he grabbed her quick, sitting with her in his lap. “I’d have been here tomorrow, too, you know. But I sure am glad you’re here right now.”
He cupped her breasts as he nuzzled her throat. “Me, too. It startles me sometimes, how deeply you make me feel. How much more of it I want from you. I’m greedy. I was stupid to fear any sort of comparison.”
