Carnal Secrets

Page 33

Shaya couldn’t figure out whether Roni found that a good thing or a bad thing. If she was anything like Nick, the girl was the type to hold her cards close to her chest. “You and Nick really do need to talk. He thinks you stay in your wolf form a lot because you’re haunted by the memories of what happened—it breaks his heart and makes him feel awful. But it’s not that, is it? You’re haunted by a senseless guilt that you’re responsible for the downward spiral his life then went on.”
“Perceptive,” said Roni, catching the hairbrush that Shaya threw to her. “I didn’t realize he felt guilty. That’s stupid.” Dragging it through the tangles, she continued, “How could he think I was anything other than grateful for what he did for me?”
“Nick’s not exactly great with understanding ‘feelings.’”
Roni nodded her agreement. “He never has been. I’d be bad with emotion too if my wolf had surfaced so early. His mind wasn’t anywhere near ready for it, was introduced to a stage of life that his development simply wasn’t equipped to deal with. Can you imagine that? As young as he was, he found it hard to cope, and his wolf was so angry and cold. Having to deal with that at any age would be hard. I know because my wolf became so angry after what happened that day in the woods, but she healed.”
But Roni hadn’t, Shaya knew. “Nick’s wolf didn’t heal?”
“With my wolf, the anger was tangled up with trauma. With Nick’s wolf, it’s not trauma. He was born in anger, and it shaped his personality. You can’t ‘heal’ someone’s personality. You can change it to some degree, but not heal it.”
Shaya retrieved a long-sleeved T-shirt and a pair of jeans from her wardrobe and laid them gently on the bed. “They should fit you fine.”
Roni fingered the soft material of the white top as she quietly confessed, “I’m nervous about going downstairs and facing all those people.”
“How long has it been since you were last in this form?”
“About six months.”
Wow. “And that’s by choice? Your wolf doesn’t hound you to stay in wolf form?”
“Oh no, she’s quite happy to stay in that form for months at a time, but she doesn’t fight the change. She understands there has to be a balance.”
Right now, it wasn’t a very good balance in Shaya’s opinion. There wouldn’t be one until Roni healed. “The lingering guilt…it’ll get better…but only if you want it to. Sometimes we cling to the guilt because we think we deserve to suffer. That’s not the same as being truly guilty of something, is it?”
Roni frowned thoughtfully, but she didn’t answer.
“It’s not that you need to forgive yourself. It’s that you need to realize there’s nothing to forgive.”
“Have you forgiven Nick for not claiming you in the beginning? It wasn’t that he was abandoning you. If you had seen the state he was in when his cognitive functions started degenerating…It was horrible. We all panicked, scared we’d lose him. I remember the day he first met you. He came home that night, and he was in the foulest mood. He told me about you, about how it had killed him to leave you behind. I’ve honestly never seen him look so upset—not even when he was sentenced to time in juvie. Not even the times we went to visit him there. When he met you, he was in the middle of his healing sessions and his future was so unsure; he didn’t want to be your patient. I think he also worried that if he claimed you and then slowly became someone you didn’t even know—worse, someone who didn’t know you—you would then hate him.”
“Idiot.”
“Yeah, but Nick’s a good person. The best. He’ll drive you insane sometimes because he’s stubborn and likes having his own way, but he’ll do everything he can to make you happy.”
Shaya couldn’t deny that—he’d been doing it since he first turned up, wanting to claim her. He guarded Shaya with a ferocity that was more than protectiveness and possessiveness. It was in his tone, his posture, his gaze, and the way he liked to tuck her into the cradle of his shoulder, sheltering her while communicating “mine.” The intensity of it all made her feel totally safe and secure while still not stifling her on any level. And although Nick wasn’t, by any means, soft-shelled and could be quite cool and remote in general, he could be indulgent, thoughtful, patient, warm, and unselfish with her. He was safe and solid—exactly what a submissive wolf needed, exactly what Shaya wanted. “I have forgiven him. How could I not?”
“But you still haven’t allowed him to claim you.”
“Like I told Taryn, I worry he’ll decide he wants a female who matches both his physical and inner strength.”
Roni considered that for a moment before speaking. “I know you probably won’t want to hear about Nick’s past, but you should know that he never sought out only dominant females; his past flings include submissive wolves too. Status was never something that was an issue for him. He never treated any of those females the way he treats you—never looked at them like they were all that mattered. You could fix him, Shaya. But you could also break him totally. And don’t forget, if he wanted a dominant female that badly, he could have claimed Amber.” She said the female’s name through clenched teeth.
“You guys aren’t really friends, then?”
A snort. “No, she hangs around me to get to Nick.”
“You know what I don’t get? Nick is a really astute, observant person, yet he’s never—until now—picked up that Amber wants him.”
“Ah, but she’s been clever,” Roni said. “See, he was very clear to all the females that he’d never imprint with anyone. Many of them tried to seduce him into changing his mind, but Amber’s approach has been to become close to him in another way. To wriggle her way in by first becoming his ‘friend’—although if you were to ask Nick, he’d say he doesn’t have friends, because he doesn’t realize that people naturally like and look up to him. Anyway, she obviously hoped they could be friends and it would grow into something more. It hasn’t worked, because Nick doesn’t bond with people easily. He’s grateful that she’s good to me, but he doesn’t realize that she’s good to me just to impress him and earn his loyalty and a spot in his life.”
Shaya folded her arms across her chest and cocked her head. “Does she care about Nick?”
“Yes, I think she does. And it can’t be nice to watch someone you care about with someone else. I’d imagine it’s agonizing. But if you mate with Nick, she won’t try to steal him from you. She’s not delusional; she’ll know that the claiming has solidified the mating. And if she cares deeply for him, she’ll back off and wish you both luck. If not…well, just be careful. Whether we like it or not, she’s physically stronger than you, and she’d love to hurt you.”
Shaya smiled. “That’s okay. I’m good with a bat. And if all else fails, I can always show her my knife trick.”
Roni grinned. “You and I are going to get along so well.”
Wondering why Shaya was taking so long, Nick intended to go upstairs in search of her—followed closely by Amber, who was jabbering on about something or other. When he reached the hallway and heard footsteps on the stairs, he was expecting to see Shaya. His mouth dropped open at the sight he found. “Roni?” Reaching the bottom of the stairs, she smiled a little awkwardly, as if unsure what reception she’d receive. He pulled her into a huge hug. “Hey.” When her arms went around him, he swallowed hard. Seeing Shaya smiling at him, he mouthed, “Thank you.” He didn’t have to ask to know that she had something to do with it.
Shaya was enjoying watching Nick and Roni chattering away and doing that sibling teasing thing…until Amber came to her side, making her automatically tense slightly. Her wolf bared her teeth.
“It’s so amazing,” said Amber, gesturing to Roni. “We don’t see her in her human form often. Even when she changes, she often keeps to herself. It’s great to have her being sociable like this. Thank you.” She laid a hand on Shaya’s arm, the image of sweetness.
Shaya patted Amber’s hand a little patronizingly. “You’re so welcome.” Amber didn’t like that. Ha.
At that moment, Taryn, Trey, Dominic, and Tao entered the hallway and stopped dead, growling. Shaya quickly realized they weren’t too happy to see Nick hugging another female. “Guys, this is Roni.” Like that, the growling stopped. One by one, they each came over and greeted her.
Then Roni did the oddest thing. She cocked her head at Dominic and slowly made her way to him. Stopping in front of him, she scratched a nail over his collar almost tantalizingly. A mixture of surprised and curious, he smiled. In the same tone Dominic reserved for his cheesy lines, she said, “Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.” After giving Nick a conspiratorial wink, she then waltzed away, presumably to find Kathy. Well, it seemed that Roni was getting some payback for her brother.
Wide-eyed and gaping, Dominic pointed at her retreating back. Turning to Shaya, he spluttered. “She just—” He shook his head. “Did you hear—?” He exhaled heavily. “Dear God, I hope she marries me.” As he ran after her, they all laughed.
Nick held Shaya against him. “She’d eat him alive. What you’ll soon learn about my sister is that she can handle just about any guy. I’ve yet to see her tongue-tied or blushing—she’s resistant to charm.”
“Oh, you don’t need to worry about Dominic.” Tao shook his head. “He’ll tease your sister and flirt with her, but he’ll never touch her.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“Because it’s clear that she’s someone he could like as a friend, and Dominic doesn’t sleep with girls he likes.”
Shaya realized that Tao was right, and she was about to comment when Nick flinched beside her. Seeing his face scrunched up in pain, she asked, “Another headache?” He’d been having at least two a day lately. No doubt it was due to the strain of being unable to locate the preserve or find out the identity of the shifter who was running it.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut against the blinding pain. “It’s okay. I’ve got some pi—”
“Here, let me help.” Amber stopped in front of him and went to touch his head, but a pointed look from Nick made her freeze.
“No.”
She sighed. “Don’t be stupid, Nick. You’re in pain.”
“It’s no big thing, leave it.”
“Why would you want to suffer?”
“I have some pills upstairs. I’ll be fine.”
She turned to Shaya, huffing impatiently. “Tell him, Shaya. Tell him to stop being silly. You don’t want him in pain, do you?”
Oh, now that was smart. And cunning. And made Shaya want to kill the bitch. Of course she didn’t want her mate in pain. To tell Amber to stay away from him when she could heal him would be cruel and petty. Shaya was backed into a corner, and there was no other answer she could give. “It’s fine, Nick.”
“No, it’s not,” he immediately countered. He knew exactly what Amber was doing.
Taryn stepped forward. “I can heal him, if you want.”
“Nobody is healing me. Leave it.” Pulling away from Shaya and simultaneously avoiding Amber’s attempt to touch him, he made his way up the stairs.
“He’d sooner suffer than let me touch him?” Amber’s expression turned sulky.
Taryn pursed her lips. “Well…I’m liking Nick a little more now.”
Rolling her eyes at that, Shaya followed him up the stairs. Hearing someone coming up behind her, Shaya turned when she reached the landing. “Everything okay?” she asked Taryn, who looked shifty and unsure—totally unusual for the Alpha female.
“I’m sorry.”
Shaya frowned. “For what?”
“Being a bitch to Nick all the time, and trying to get in the way.” Taryn came a little closer. “At first, I was doing it because I wanted him to put in all the effort you deserve. But then I carried on doing it because I was trying to punish him a little for hurting you. Best friend or not, I had no right to do that to your mate. And I sure as hell would have hated it if you’d behaved like that with Trey.”
Smiling a little, Shaya rubbed her upper arm. The whole thing had been bugging Shaya to the extent that she had almost snapped at her friend a couple of times. The only thing that had stopped her was the knowledge that Taryn’s heart was in the right place. “It’s okay. I know why you did it. I know you meant well.”
“That doesn’t make it fair, though. I just hate how badly he hurt you.”
“Yeah,” sighed Shaya. “But I hurt him badly too. Just like Trey once hurt you badly and Dante once hurt Jaime badly. It happens when you’re in a relationship. They can get complicated and difficult because people can be complicated and difficult. But imagine how different your life would have turned out if you had rejected Trey because he hurt you. You guys wouldn’t be so happily mated, and you wouldn’t have the adorable little boy sleeping downstairs.”
Taryn nodded. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry, and that it’s going to stop.”
“Thank you.” Shaya hugged her best friend tightly, feeling a weight fall from her shoulders.