Chasing the Tide
Page 49
What a shitty feeling.
Dania finally came back fifteen minutes later and sat down again.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
Dania’s smile was gentle as she answered. “Fine. Lyla just gets nightmares sometimes. Nothing that a cuddle won’t cure.”
Her easy maternal devotion continued to take me by surprise. Perhaps it was unfair of me to assume she wasn’t capable of becoming a loving mother. But given how little she considered the well being of her first child all those years ago, it was an easy assumption to make.
Dania clutched a stuffed bear that had been wedged in the cushion of the seat. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the soft fir between her fingers. “I think about him all the time you know,” she said suddenly.
Her change of subject threw me. “Who?” I asked, though deep down I knew exactly who she was talking about.
Dania began to rub the stuffed animal absently. She seemed lost in thought, barely aware that I was still in the room.
“Brandon. I wonder where he is. If he’s with a good family. If they’re taking care of him. I wonder about his health and what he looks like. Does he look like me?” Dania took a deep breath, her eyes wet with tears. “I miss him. I don’t have a right to miss him given everything I put him through. But I do. I can’t help but feel like part of me is missing. And how do I tell Lyla when she’s older that she has brother out there somewhere? A brother I gave away because I was too fucked up to take care of him?”
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I was speechless. Mute. I had nothing to say to make her feel better. Because there was no feeling better after something like that.
“Tell me about Lyla, D. I have to say I was a little shocked to see her,” I remarked, maneuvering the topic to something more palatable. Because what had happened to Brandon was raw and exposing.
Dania finally looked at me, her eyes boring into mine. “When I was pregnant I thought about tracking you down. I missed you so much during that time. You had always been there when I needed you. And then you weren’t. I couldn’t remember when I had ever felt so alone.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry—“
“Don’t be. I brought it on myself, Ells. But it was tough. It hadn’t been that long since Brandon. Only a little over a year and then I found myself knocked up again. I guess I’m one of those stupid girls that just doesn’t learn her lesson.” She let out a humorless laugh.
“Stu up and left. I should have known better, but I had convinced myself he had changed.” I gave her an incredulous look. I couldn’t help it.
Dania rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I know, I know,” she muttered.
“I was really depressed. I couldn’t help but think, here we go again. Except this time I didn’t have you there to help keep me sane. Then I went to that first doctor’s appointment and I saw Lyla on the sonogram and something clicked. And I knew I couldn’t make those same mistakes again. So I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I stopped going out.” Dania sat up straighter, squaring her shoulders. “I got a job. A real job. I started by answering phones at Dr. Squires dental office and now I’m a dental assistant,” she told me with pride.
“Wow, that’s great, Dania,” I said and I meant it.
“Yeah, I guess you’re not the only one who can change, huh?” she smirked and I cocked my eyebrow.
“Guess not. It’s nice to see.” And it was true.
“I don’t see any of the old group anymore. After Lyla was born I knew those days were behind me. They had to be. I was a mother. I didn’t want to be like mine. I didn’t want to let Lyla down the way mine had done.”
These were all the things I had said to her after Brandon had been born in an effort to make her own up to her responsibilities. I was glad to see she had finally taken it to heart.
“I saw Reggie not long ago,” I found myself saying. “She looked horrible. Strung out and wasted away. It was pretty scary to see.”
Dania gave me a knowing look. “Because it reminded you of what you almost became?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yeah, it did. But I felt bad for her. Reggie’s not a bad person.”
“Just sort of stupid,” Dania retorted, not unkindly.
“I was going to say intelligently challenged,” I mused, arching an eyebrow.
Dania leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, still holding the stuffed bear. “I would have ended up like that. If it weren’t for Lyla. She saved me. Then I met Chris and things just seemed to fall into place,” she remarked quietly, looking almost embarrassed.
“Is Chris the hottie in the pictures on your fridge?” I asked, teasing her just a bit, trying to interject some of our old ease into the conversation.
Dania flushed. “Yeah, that’s him. He works over at the lumberyard. I met him when he came in to have his teeth cleaned.”
I whistled. “Now that’s how you meet a guy!”
Dania laughed. “Yeah I know. Oh how times have changed, huh?”
“I’d say,” I agreed, returning her grin with one of my own.
We sat there smiling at each other for a while and then Dania sobered.
“Are you happy?” Dania asked suddenly. That seemed to be the question of the millennium. I was starting to get a little tired of answering it. Maybe I should tattoo my answer on my forehead.
Dania cocked her head to the side regarding me. “I can’t really tell. You seem…content…but I’m not really sure.”
Dania finally came back fifteen minutes later and sat down again.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
Dania’s smile was gentle as she answered. “Fine. Lyla just gets nightmares sometimes. Nothing that a cuddle won’t cure.”
Her easy maternal devotion continued to take me by surprise. Perhaps it was unfair of me to assume she wasn’t capable of becoming a loving mother. But given how little she considered the well being of her first child all those years ago, it was an easy assumption to make.
Dania clutched a stuffed bear that had been wedged in the cushion of the seat. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the soft fir between her fingers. “I think about him all the time you know,” she said suddenly.
Her change of subject threw me. “Who?” I asked, though deep down I knew exactly who she was talking about.
Dania began to rub the stuffed animal absently. She seemed lost in thought, barely aware that I was still in the room.
“Brandon. I wonder where he is. If he’s with a good family. If they’re taking care of him. I wonder about his health and what he looks like. Does he look like me?” Dania took a deep breath, her eyes wet with tears. “I miss him. I don’t have a right to miss him given everything I put him through. But I do. I can’t help but feel like part of me is missing. And how do I tell Lyla when she’s older that she has brother out there somewhere? A brother I gave away because I was too fucked up to take care of him?”
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I was speechless. Mute. I had nothing to say to make her feel better. Because there was no feeling better after something like that.
“Tell me about Lyla, D. I have to say I was a little shocked to see her,” I remarked, maneuvering the topic to something more palatable. Because what had happened to Brandon was raw and exposing.
Dania finally looked at me, her eyes boring into mine. “When I was pregnant I thought about tracking you down. I missed you so much during that time. You had always been there when I needed you. And then you weren’t. I couldn’t remember when I had ever felt so alone.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry—“
“Don’t be. I brought it on myself, Ells. But it was tough. It hadn’t been that long since Brandon. Only a little over a year and then I found myself knocked up again. I guess I’m one of those stupid girls that just doesn’t learn her lesson.” She let out a humorless laugh.
“Stu up and left. I should have known better, but I had convinced myself he had changed.” I gave her an incredulous look. I couldn’t help it.
Dania rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I know, I know,” she muttered.
“I was really depressed. I couldn’t help but think, here we go again. Except this time I didn’t have you there to help keep me sane. Then I went to that first doctor’s appointment and I saw Lyla on the sonogram and something clicked. And I knew I couldn’t make those same mistakes again. So I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I stopped going out.” Dania sat up straighter, squaring her shoulders. “I got a job. A real job. I started by answering phones at Dr. Squires dental office and now I’m a dental assistant,” she told me with pride.
“Wow, that’s great, Dania,” I said and I meant it.
“Yeah, I guess you’re not the only one who can change, huh?” she smirked and I cocked my eyebrow.
“Guess not. It’s nice to see.” And it was true.
“I don’t see any of the old group anymore. After Lyla was born I knew those days were behind me. They had to be. I was a mother. I didn’t want to be like mine. I didn’t want to let Lyla down the way mine had done.”
These were all the things I had said to her after Brandon had been born in an effort to make her own up to her responsibilities. I was glad to see she had finally taken it to heart.
“I saw Reggie not long ago,” I found myself saying. “She looked horrible. Strung out and wasted away. It was pretty scary to see.”
Dania gave me a knowing look. “Because it reminded you of what you almost became?” she asked.
I nodded. “Yeah, it did. But I felt bad for her. Reggie’s not a bad person.”
“Just sort of stupid,” Dania retorted, not unkindly.
“I was going to say intelligently challenged,” I mused, arching an eyebrow.
Dania leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, still holding the stuffed bear. “I would have ended up like that. If it weren’t for Lyla. She saved me. Then I met Chris and things just seemed to fall into place,” she remarked quietly, looking almost embarrassed.
“Is Chris the hottie in the pictures on your fridge?” I asked, teasing her just a bit, trying to interject some of our old ease into the conversation.
Dania flushed. “Yeah, that’s him. He works over at the lumberyard. I met him when he came in to have his teeth cleaned.”
I whistled. “Now that’s how you meet a guy!”
Dania laughed. “Yeah I know. Oh how times have changed, huh?”
“I’d say,” I agreed, returning her grin with one of my own.
We sat there smiling at each other for a while and then Dania sobered.
“Are you happy?” Dania asked suddenly. That seemed to be the question of the millennium. I was starting to get a little tired of answering it. Maybe I should tattoo my answer on my forehead.
Dania cocked her head to the side regarding me. “I can’t really tell. You seem…content…but I’m not really sure.”
