Chasing the Tide
Page 50
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I growled, becoming unreasonably angry.
“I know you, Ells. I know what you look like when you’re happy and this isn’t it. I can tell that you want to be. That you think you should be, but I’m not sure you are,” she remarked, and I rolled my eyes.
“That is the absolutely the lamest thing I’ve ever heard, Dania. You know what I look like when I’m happy? I think I should be happy but I’m not? Seriously? Did you sprinkle a fortune cookie in your cereal this morning? Since when did you start channeling the Dali Lama?” I mocked with more than a hint of annoyance.
Dania leveled me with her blue eyes that at that moment saw way too much. “You forget that even though you decided to cut me out of your life for three years, I know you. I’ve seen you at your lowest, Ells. But I’ve also seen you happy, even when you tried to hide it.”
I snorted, trying to dismiss what she was saying. I felt as though I had wandered into the Twilight Zone. Dania was officially freaking me out.
“D, when you and I hung out, I wasn’t exactly known for my sparkly optimism and sunny outlook on life. I can’t imagine you ever saw me happy. Hell, I’m not sure you ever saw me really smile. I think I was actually allergic to that particular expression for years,” I joked, hoping to change the subject.
While I had come to Dania’s hoping to bury the proverbial hatchet, I wasn’t looking for some sort of soul-searching diatribe. Dania had never been the type of girl to give much attention to anyone other than herself. I had walked into this apartment blind to this apparently very changed woman.
“Yeah, you definitely had the whole emo thing down cold,” Dania smirked. “But I saw you happy too. You tried really hard to be sneaky about it but you didn’t realize that I saw it all.” I frowned, not sure what she was talking about.
“You and Flynn. Back in school. I knew you were hanging out with him. I knew that when you disappeared, that’s where you were. You thought you were hiding it but you sucked at it. Whenever you were with Flynn, you’d have this look on your face like you had just won the lottery.” I didn’t get embarrassed. I didn’t flush. And I certainly didn’t deny it. Those days were long over. I would never deny my feelings for Flynn ever again.
Dania chewed on her bottom lip and watched me closely. “I was jealous, you know.” I raised my eyebrows in disbelief.
“Jealous? Of what?” I asked, not sure I had heard her correctly.
Dania fiddled with a loose string on her pajama top. Self-reflection had never been her strong suit. I knew admitting any sort of shortcoming was akin to pulling teeth.
“I wanted what you had with Flynn. I saw the way he looked at you and I hated him for it.” Her words didn’t hold an ounce of self-pity. They were just fact. Pure and simple fact.
“I wanted someone to look at me as though I were the most amazing thing they had ever seen. But I didn’t have that. You had that with Flynn. And even though you denied that you cared about him, I knew. And I was jealous of it.” She hung her head. “I hated him because I knew no one would ever look at me that way. I wanted it so badly. So I ruined it for you.”
“We were horrible to him,” I said quietly.
“And he learned to love you anyway. That’s amazing.” Dania shook her head as though in awe and I could tell she meant what she said.
“But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re better than this shit town. I’m sort of angry that you bothered to come back at all,” Dania scolded good-naturedly.
“Flynn’s here,” was all I said, hoping that explained everything.
Dania didn’t say anything else, perhaps picking up the fact that I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore. Her assertion that I wasn’t happy bothered me a lot more than I wanted to admit.
I struggled with some way to change the subject when Lyla’s wails started up again. Dania sighed. “If she’s woken up again, it’ll be a while until I can get her back down. So make yourself comfortable, and I’ll just see you in the morning, okay?” She got to her feet and picked up a pacifier from the coffee table.
I felt a little disjointed by the frank honesty of our conversation. In the history of our friendship, the times we had had a meaningful discussion about something beyond booze and boys could be counted on one hand.
“Sure,” I said, tucking sheets and blankets into the couch as I made my makeshift bed.
“Ells,” Dania said before leaving the room.
“Yeah?”
“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re back. I know we’ll never be friends like we used to be, and I wouldn’t want that. I’d sort of like to forget about those people we used to be.”
I snorted. “I can totally agree with that.”
“Yeah, well I’m glad we can agree on something,” Dania smirked but then she became serious. “But I hope we can find a way to be friends again. Better than we ever were before. Because even though I wasn’t good for you, you were always the best thing for me. I just want to return the favor.”
Lyla’s crying grew louder and before I could reply, Dania had disappeared into her daughter’s bedroom.
I spent a long time after that, lying on Dania’s lumpy couch, watching the snowfall outside, thinking about how the evening turned out so differently than I thought it would.
Dania had given me a lot to think about.
“I know you, Ells. I know what you look like when you’re happy and this isn’t it. I can tell that you want to be. That you think you should be, but I’m not sure you are,” she remarked, and I rolled my eyes.
“That is the absolutely the lamest thing I’ve ever heard, Dania. You know what I look like when I’m happy? I think I should be happy but I’m not? Seriously? Did you sprinkle a fortune cookie in your cereal this morning? Since when did you start channeling the Dali Lama?” I mocked with more than a hint of annoyance.
Dania leveled me with her blue eyes that at that moment saw way too much. “You forget that even though you decided to cut me out of your life for three years, I know you. I’ve seen you at your lowest, Ells. But I’ve also seen you happy, even when you tried to hide it.”
I snorted, trying to dismiss what she was saying. I felt as though I had wandered into the Twilight Zone. Dania was officially freaking me out.
“D, when you and I hung out, I wasn’t exactly known for my sparkly optimism and sunny outlook on life. I can’t imagine you ever saw me happy. Hell, I’m not sure you ever saw me really smile. I think I was actually allergic to that particular expression for years,” I joked, hoping to change the subject.
While I had come to Dania’s hoping to bury the proverbial hatchet, I wasn’t looking for some sort of soul-searching diatribe. Dania had never been the type of girl to give much attention to anyone other than herself. I had walked into this apartment blind to this apparently very changed woman.
“Yeah, you definitely had the whole emo thing down cold,” Dania smirked. “But I saw you happy too. You tried really hard to be sneaky about it but you didn’t realize that I saw it all.” I frowned, not sure what she was talking about.
“You and Flynn. Back in school. I knew you were hanging out with him. I knew that when you disappeared, that’s where you were. You thought you were hiding it but you sucked at it. Whenever you were with Flynn, you’d have this look on your face like you had just won the lottery.” I didn’t get embarrassed. I didn’t flush. And I certainly didn’t deny it. Those days were long over. I would never deny my feelings for Flynn ever again.
Dania chewed on her bottom lip and watched me closely. “I was jealous, you know.” I raised my eyebrows in disbelief.
“Jealous? Of what?” I asked, not sure I had heard her correctly.
Dania fiddled with a loose string on her pajama top. Self-reflection had never been her strong suit. I knew admitting any sort of shortcoming was akin to pulling teeth.
“I wanted what you had with Flynn. I saw the way he looked at you and I hated him for it.” Her words didn’t hold an ounce of self-pity. They were just fact. Pure and simple fact.
“I wanted someone to look at me as though I were the most amazing thing they had ever seen. But I didn’t have that. You had that with Flynn. And even though you denied that you cared about him, I knew. And I was jealous of it.” She hung her head. “I hated him because I knew no one would ever look at me that way. I wanted it so badly. So I ruined it for you.”
“We were horrible to him,” I said quietly.
“And he learned to love you anyway. That’s amazing.” Dania shook her head as though in awe and I could tell she meant what she said.
“But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re better than this shit town. I’m sort of angry that you bothered to come back at all,” Dania scolded good-naturedly.
“Flynn’s here,” was all I said, hoping that explained everything.
Dania didn’t say anything else, perhaps picking up the fact that I didn’t really want to talk about it anymore. Her assertion that I wasn’t happy bothered me a lot more than I wanted to admit.
I struggled with some way to change the subject when Lyla’s wails started up again. Dania sighed. “If she’s woken up again, it’ll be a while until I can get her back down. So make yourself comfortable, and I’ll just see you in the morning, okay?” She got to her feet and picked up a pacifier from the coffee table.
I felt a little disjointed by the frank honesty of our conversation. In the history of our friendship, the times we had had a meaningful discussion about something beyond booze and boys could be counted on one hand.
“Sure,” I said, tucking sheets and blankets into the couch as I made my makeshift bed.
“Ells,” Dania said before leaving the room.
“Yeah?”
“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re back. I know we’ll never be friends like we used to be, and I wouldn’t want that. I’d sort of like to forget about those people we used to be.”
I snorted. “I can totally agree with that.”
“Yeah, well I’m glad we can agree on something,” Dania smirked but then she became serious. “But I hope we can find a way to be friends again. Better than we ever were before. Because even though I wasn’t good for you, you were always the best thing for me. I just want to return the favor.”
Lyla’s crying grew louder and before I could reply, Dania had disappeared into her daughter’s bedroom.
I spent a long time after that, lying on Dania’s lumpy couch, watching the snowfall outside, thinking about how the evening turned out so differently than I thought it would.
Dania had given me a lot to think about.
