Chasing the Tide
Page 55
I had thought being with Flynn was all that I needed to be content. What if I was wrong?
I had hinged my entire future on the man sitting in front of me, refusing to meet my eyes.
He had changed me. He had made me a better person. I was the woman I had become because of him. Without him, I would have never left Wellston. I would never have forced myself to reach for something else. Something better.
But as I was transforming into this new improved Ellie McCallum, Flynn was digging his heels into the ground, rooting himself firmly, unwilling to move.
It terrified me.
We were a story of contradictions. I wanted something more and Flynn wanted exactly what he had.
I had thought obsessively about what my life would be like when the day came and I returned to Flynn. And while I had never been particularly thrilled with the idea, I hadn’t thought that it would be this confining.
This restrictive.
I wanted to be with Flynn more than anything. But I was beginning to worry that by holding onto the thing my heart wanted, I’d lose myself.
I didn’t like the self-doubt and feelings of complacency that ate away at my insides the longer I stayed in this town.
“You want to go to New York City,” Flynn stated rather than asked. He knew the answer.
“Yes, I’d like to go. But I want you to come with me,” I said, trying to calm down. Flynn needed my understanding not my anger. It wasn’t fair to him that I wasn’t happy with my situation. He had done everything he could to make this a home for me, knowing I had never had one before.
My future was with Flynn.
It had to be. I couldn’t contemplate a world without him in it.
Why did it feel as though I was trying to convince myself?
“I don’t like travelling, Ellie,” he said, his voice tight.
I sighed. “I know. I’m sorry, I’m being selfish,” I said wearily, conceding once again that what I wanted would be too much for the man I loved.
“But you want to go,” Flynn added, finally looking up at me, his hands still in the clay.
“Not if you’re going to be miserable,” I countered, knowing it was true. No matter how much I wanted to go somewhere like New York with him, I’d never be able to enjoy myself if he had a meltdown.
“I need to meet with Leonard. He can help me plan it. I just have to know what to expect. I’m not like you. I can’t just go,” he said, sounding sad for the first time.
“I know that, Flynn,” I murmured, feeling guilty for pushing the idea on him.
“I get anxious when I go somewhere new. I’ve never been to New York. I’ve never liked cities. But if you want to go, I should go.”
I took in a deep breath, overwhelmed by his selflessness.
But I worried that Wellston was suffocating me.
“We can plan the trip together, Flynn,” I promised.
Flynn nodded, looking younger than his years with his hair in his eyes. “I want to go if you want to.”
I should have been excited that I was getting what I wanted. I should have been thrilled that he was agreeing to do something I wanted to do.
So why did I feel so guilty?
Chapter Seventeen
-Ellie-
“Look it’s tard boy!” Dania yelled, elbowing me in the side.
I was tired this morning. I hadn’t been able to go to sleep after Mr. Beretti had left my room. I had been sick in the bathroom most of the night.
Dania had come into my room first thing this morning and crawled into bed beside me. She had wrapped her arm around me. “I’m sorry I didn’t stop him,” she had whispered.
I didn’t say anything. My stomach was clenched in an ugly knot. I was dirty. I was disgusting.
But I deserved it.
I wasn’t worth anything.
“I would have stopped him if I had known,” Dania had whispered, holding onto me tightly.
I pulled away from her, not wanting her to touch me. “We need to get ready for school,” I had said, not wanting to talk about it ever again.
Sometimes it was hard to reconcile the Dania I knew at home, the girl who tried to protect me at the expense of herself, with the girl who ridiculed and abused Flynn.
But right now, with my emotions shut off and my head pounding from being sick and used, I didn’t care.
I was feeling mean and unfeeling.
“Hey tard boy!” I hollered, throwing a balled up piece of paper at Flynn as he walked up the steps. People were looking at us but no one intervened. They knew better. We weren’t a group others wanted to mess with.
Flynn’s shoulders came up and he tucked his chin into his chest, holding his bagged lunch in his clenched fist.
Dania and Stu howled with laughter when I threw a pencil and it bounced off his back.
Then he looked up at me and the ice around my heart melted in an instant.
He was hurting.
Because of me.
Why would I do that to him?
I stopped laughing. I tried to get my friends focused on something else. I couldn’t let them treat Flynn like that.
Not when his green eyes looked at me like I was destroying him.
I found him at his locker before class.
“I’m sorry, Flynn,” I said. And I meant it. The only time I felt anything was with him.
It flooded through me unabated.
Flynn wouldn’t look at me. I reached out and touched his shoulder but he flinched and pulled away. I dropped my hand.
“You’re mean,” he said, and I couldn’t argue.
Because I was mean.
I had hinged my entire future on the man sitting in front of me, refusing to meet my eyes.
He had changed me. He had made me a better person. I was the woman I had become because of him. Without him, I would have never left Wellston. I would never have forced myself to reach for something else. Something better.
But as I was transforming into this new improved Ellie McCallum, Flynn was digging his heels into the ground, rooting himself firmly, unwilling to move.
It terrified me.
We were a story of contradictions. I wanted something more and Flynn wanted exactly what he had.
I had thought obsessively about what my life would be like when the day came and I returned to Flynn. And while I had never been particularly thrilled with the idea, I hadn’t thought that it would be this confining.
This restrictive.
I wanted to be with Flynn more than anything. But I was beginning to worry that by holding onto the thing my heart wanted, I’d lose myself.
I didn’t like the self-doubt and feelings of complacency that ate away at my insides the longer I stayed in this town.
“You want to go to New York City,” Flynn stated rather than asked. He knew the answer.
“Yes, I’d like to go. But I want you to come with me,” I said, trying to calm down. Flynn needed my understanding not my anger. It wasn’t fair to him that I wasn’t happy with my situation. He had done everything he could to make this a home for me, knowing I had never had one before.
My future was with Flynn.
It had to be. I couldn’t contemplate a world without him in it.
Why did it feel as though I was trying to convince myself?
“I don’t like travelling, Ellie,” he said, his voice tight.
I sighed. “I know. I’m sorry, I’m being selfish,” I said wearily, conceding once again that what I wanted would be too much for the man I loved.
“But you want to go,” Flynn added, finally looking up at me, his hands still in the clay.
“Not if you’re going to be miserable,” I countered, knowing it was true. No matter how much I wanted to go somewhere like New York with him, I’d never be able to enjoy myself if he had a meltdown.
“I need to meet with Leonard. He can help me plan it. I just have to know what to expect. I’m not like you. I can’t just go,” he said, sounding sad for the first time.
“I know that, Flynn,” I murmured, feeling guilty for pushing the idea on him.
“I get anxious when I go somewhere new. I’ve never been to New York. I’ve never liked cities. But if you want to go, I should go.”
I took in a deep breath, overwhelmed by his selflessness.
But I worried that Wellston was suffocating me.
“We can plan the trip together, Flynn,” I promised.
Flynn nodded, looking younger than his years with his hair in his eyes. “I want to go if you want to.”
I should have been excited that I was getting what I wanted. I should have been thrilled that he was agreeing to do something I wanted to do.
So why did I feel so guilty?
Chapter Seventeen
-Ellie-
“Look it’s tard boy!” Dania yelled, elbowing me in the side.
I was tired this morning. I hadn’t been able to go to sleep after Mr. Beretti had left my room. I had been sick in the bathroom most of the night.
Dania had come into my room first thing this morning and crawled into bed beside me. She had wrapped her arm around me. “I’m sorry I didn’t stop him,” she had whispered.
I didn’t say anything. My stomach was clenched in an ugly knot. I was dirty. I was disgusting.
But I deserved it.
I wasn’t worth anything.
“I would have stopped him if I had known,” Dania had whispered, holding onto me tightly.
I pulled away from her, not wanting her to touch me. “We need to get ready for school,” I had said, not wanting to talk about it ever again.
Sometimes it was hard to reconcile the Dania I knew at home, the girl who tried to protect me at the expense of herself, with the girl who ridiculed and abused Flynn.
But right now, with my emotions shut off and my head pounding from being sick and used, I didn’t care.
I was feeling mean and unfeeling.
“Hey tard boy!” I hollered, throwing a balled up piece of paper at Flynn as he walked up the steps. People were looking at us but no one intervened. They knew better. We weren’t a group others wanted to mess with.
Flynn’s shoulders came up and he tucked his chin into his chest, holding his bagged lunch in his clenched fist.
Dania and Stu howled with laughter when I threw a pencil and it bounced off his back.
Then he looked up at me and the ice around my heart melted in an instant.
He was hurting.
Because of me.
Why would I do that to him?
I stopped laughing. I tried to get my friends focused on something else. I couldn’t let them treat Flynn like that.
Not when his green eyes looked at me like I was destroying him.
I found him at his locker before class.
“I’m sorry, Flynn,” I said. And I meant it. The only time I felt anything was with him.
It flooded through me unabated.
Flynn wouldn’t look at me. I reached out and touched his shoulder but he flinched and pulled away. I dropped my hand.
“You’re mean,” he said, and I couldn’t argue.
Because I was mean.
