Chasing the Tide
Page 61
“Look, I came today because Flynn asked me to. It was a big deal for him. I’m not sure what your expectations are for this session, but I want to be clear on something right from the start. I’m not here to address my issues. Whatever you think they are. I want to support Flynn and help make things easier for him but this is not about me.”
Flynn frowned, clearly not happy with my announcement. “Why are you being so disrespectful, Ellie?”
“It’s okay, Flynn. Ellie is just telling me how she feels which is a good thing, right?” Leonard said, addressing Flynn.
Flynn’s eyes met mine and he nodded slowly. “Yes. I want to know how you’re feeling. It’s important to me.”
I wished more than anything that we weren’t in Leonard’s office because I wanted to hold him desperately. I made do with lacing my fingers through his and pressing the back of his hand against the side of my leg.
“You don’t seem very comfortable. You don’t like being here,” Leonard deduced, noticing my death grip on Flynn’s hand.
I grunted in response, having degenerating to caveman modes of communication.
Leonard’s eyes seemed to see way too much, and I squirmed. “So, Flynn, you seemed pretty insistent that you bring Ellie with you today. Is there a particular reason?” the therapist asked, thankfully not looking at me anymore.
Flynn wiggled his fingers from grasp and sat up straighter, if that was possible.
“Ellie wants me to go to New York City with her. She wants to visit her friend. I’m nervous and I don’t want to go. I want to stay here and go to work and come home and not be around so many people. But Ellie wants to go and I want to be with her,” Flynn looked at me, his eyes inexplicably sad. “I know she wishes I could be different. That I could do things like go away to new places and not get upset about it. I want that too.”
My heart thudded in my chest and I instantly felt horrible. I had no idea that he thought that. That he believed I wanted him to be someone that he wasn’t. Then I thought of the dreams that had been plaguing me for weeks. Dreams of Flynn as he could have been if he had been born without his disability and I felt guilty. Maybe I had unconsciously been giving him that impression.
Was I making Flynn feel like he wasn’t good enough?”
“Flynn, I don’t want you to—“ I began but Flynn cut me off.
“I just want to go and be with Ellie,” Flynn finished, still looking at his counselor and not at me.
“Okay, well let’s start with the first part of what you just said Flynn. So you want to go to New York City with Ellie. I think it’s a great idea,” Leonard said firmly.
“You do?” I asked, not sure I heard him correctly.
Flynn’s frown deepened. “It will be noisy and busy. And there will be murderers and pick-pockets. And the smog will be bad—“
“And it could be the perfect opportunity for you to push those limits that we always talk about,” Leonard interrupted. “Ellie will be with you. She won’t let anyone murder you or take your wallet.”
“Well obviously,” I commented dryly, looking from Flynn, who was fidgeting in his seat, to Leonard who was calmly regarding both of us.
“Ellie will be with me,” Flynn repeated, nodding his head, squeezing his hands together in his lap.
“We can discuss strategies to help you cope with the trip. Planning is important. Isolating triggers is essential. And we’ll get to that. But I think we really need to discuss the other thing you said,” Leonard began, leaning forward and bracing his elbows on his knees.
Oh shit, here we go. The shrinking had officially begun.
I felt my stomach twist painfully.
“Why do you think she wants you to be different? Ellie, have you ever said that to him?” Leonard asked and I felt my temper flare defensively.
“Of course not! I’d never say something like that!” I all but yelled.
Leonard lifted his hands, palms out in a placating gesture.
“I’m not accusing, Ellie. I just want to get to the root of why Flynn thinks that,” Leonard assured me. I was on high alert, not liking where this discussion was going…at all.
Flynn had reached out to grip my hand again and I held back just as tightly. I felt sick inside. He thought I wanted him to be different.
Did I want him to be different?
Of course I didn’t.
Did I?
Flynn wouldn’t look at me and his grip on my fingers was beginning to cut off circulation. I wondered if he even realized he was holding my hand.
“She gets angry a lot. She doesn’t smile or laugh like she used to. I painted the living room yellow and I built a shelf by the window for her favorite sculptures. I make sure there’s always peanut butter and jelly in the cabinets and I sleep on the right side of the bed because she likes to face the doorway.”
I tried to swallow around the thick lump in my throat. My mouth was dry and my eyes dangerously wet. He sounded hurt.
Betrayed.
Somehow, in the last month, a chasm had opened up between us that I hadn’t realized was there until that very moment.
“Flynn,” I said quietly, softly under my breath.
He either didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me. “Ellie wants to go places. She wants to go to New York because her friend lives there. I have to go because that’s what she wants. I want to be a good boyfriend.”
“You are a good boyfriend,” I stated emphatically. I hated that this conversation was happening without him looking at me and with a third party present. I had no idea that he felt this way. Had he been trying to tell me and I just didn’t hear him?
Flynn frowned, clearly not happy with my announcement. “Why are you being so disrespectful, Ellie?”
“It’s okay, Flynn. Ellie is just telling me how she feels which is a good thing, right?” Leonard said, addressing Flynn.
Flynn’s eyes met mine and he nodded slowly. “Yes. I want to know how you’re feeling. It’s important to me.”
I wished more than anything that we weren’t in Leonard’s office because I wanted to hold him desperately. I made do with lacing my fingers through his and pressing the back of his hand against the side of my leg.
“You don’t seem very comfortable. You don’t like being here,” Leonard deduced, noticing my death grip on Flynn’s hand.
I grunted in response, having degenerating to caveman modes of communication.
Leonard’s eyes seemed to see way too much, and I squirmed. “So, Flynn, you seemed pretty insistent that you bring Ellie with you today. Is there a particular reason?” the therapist asked, thankfully not looking at me anymore.
Flynn wiggled his fingers from grasp and sat up straighter, if that was possible.
“Ellie wants me to go to New York City with her. She wants to visit her friend. I’m nervous and I don’t want to go. I want to stay here and go to work and come home and not be around so many people. But Ellie wants to go and I want to be with her,” Flynn looked at me, his eyes inexplicably sad. “I know she wishes I could be different. That I could do things like go away to new places and not get upset about it. I want that too.”
My heart thudded in my chest and I instantly felt horrible. I had no idea that he thought that. That he believed I wanted him to be someone that he wasn’t. Then I thought of the dreams that had been plaguing me for weeks. Dreams of Flynn as he could have been if he had been born without his disability and I felt guilty. Maybe I had unconsciously been giving him that impression.
Was I making Flynn feel like he wasn’t good enough?”
“Flynn, I don’t want you to—“ I began but Flynn cut me off.
“I just want to go and be with Ellie,” Flynn finished, still looking at his counselor and not at me.
“Okay, well let’s start with the first part of what you just said Flynn. So you want to go to New York City with Ellie. I think it’s a great idea,” Leonard said firmly.
“You do?” I asked, not sure I heard him correctly.
Flynn’s frown deepened. “It will be noisy and busy. And there will be murderers and pick-pockets. And the smog will be bad—“
“And it could be the perfect opportunity for you to push those limits that we always talk about,” Leonard interrupted. “Ellie will be with you. She won’t let anyone murder you or take your wallet.”
“Well obviously,” I commented dryly, looking from Flynn, who was fidgeting in his seat, to Leonard who was calmly regarding both of us.
“Ellie will be with me,” Flynn repeated, nodding his head, squeezing his hands together in his lap.
“We can discuss strategies to help you cope with the trip. Planning is important. Isolating triggers is essential. And we’ll get to that. But I think we really need to discuss the other thing you said,” Leonard began, leaning forward and bracing his elbows on his knees.
Oh shit, here we go. The shrinking had officially begun.
I felt my stomach twist painfully.
“Why do you think she wants you to be different? Ellie, have you ever said that to him?” Leonard asked and I felt my temper flare defensively.
“Of course not! I’d never say something like that!” I all but yelled.
Leonard lifted his hands, palms out in a placating gesture.
“I’m not accusing, Ellie. I just want to get to the root of why Flynn thinks that,” Leonard assured me. I was on high alert, not liking where this discussion was going…at all.
Flynn had reached out to grip my hand again and I held back just as tightly. I felt sick inside. He thought I wanted him to be different.
Did I want him to be different?
Of course I didn’t.
Did I?
Flynn wouldn’t look at me and his grip on my fingers was beginning to cut off circulation. I wondered if he even realized he was holding my hand.
“She gets angry a lot. She doesn’t smile or laugh like she used to. I painted the living room yellow and I built a shelf by the window for her favorite sculptures. I make sure there’s always peanut butter and jelly in the cabinets and I sleep on the right side of the bed because she likes to face the doorway.”
I tried to swallow around the thick lump in my throat. My mouth was dry and my eyes dangerously wet. He sounded hurt.
Betrayed.
Somehow, in the last month, a chasm had opened up between us that I hadn’t realized was there until that very moment.
“Flynn,” I said quietly, softly under my breath.
He either didn’t hear me or chose to ignore me. “Ellie wants to go places. She wants to go to New York because her friend lives there. I have to go because that’s what she wants. I want to be a good boyfriend.”
“You are a good boyfriend,” I stated emphatically. I hated that this conversation was happening without him looking at me and with a third party present. I had no idea that he felt this way. Had he been trying to tell me and I just didn’t hear him?
