Chasing the Tide
Page 62
I had been so fixated on my own situation. Not being able to find a job. Living in Wellston again. I had been oblivious to how my negativity was affecting him.
This proved that the selfish Ellie was never very far from the surface.
“Ellie, I can tell hearing this upsets you. Why is that?”
I wanted to roll my eyes. His clichéd observations made me want to hit something. I narrowed my eyes at Leonard and focused my ire directly at him. “I don’t feel this discussion requires an audience. I’d like to talk to Flynn alone,” I said through clenched teeth.
Flynn shook his head. “I want to say this with Leonard here.”
“Flynn, I really think—“ I began but Leonard interrupted me just as he had done to Flynn earlier.
“I know this is uncomfortable. It has to be strange talking about serious, intimate things with a complete stranger sitting here listening in. I know you think I’m sitting here analyzing you, Ellie. I’m not. I’m just trying to get a sense of what things are like between you and Flynn. Now he obviously thinks you want something from him that he can’t deliver. That’s going to create a lot of strain in your relationship. And I’m picking up on some, maybe resentment, with you. Some anger perhaps.”
“I’m not angry!” I fumed, stupidly confirming his remark.
“Okay, let’s take a minute here before things become even more tense.” Leonard folded sat back in his chair and wrote something on a pad of paper. Was he writing notes about me? What the hell?
“There are issues here. Big ones. Wouldn’t you agree?” Leonard asked, looking first at Flynn then at me.
I shrugged, refusing to answer him. Flynn shrugged too.
“Ellie, Flynn has told me about your history and I understand that you have a lot of things in your past that maybe you haven’t had a chance to really work through,” Leonard ventured carefully.
Ugh! Here we go! The millionth go around about my freaking past!
“And I don’t plan on doing that here, okay,” I warned. My fingers had gone numb and I tried to wiggle them free of Flynn’s constricting grasp. But I couldn’t budge him. I was trapped.
In more ways then one.
“I think you feel guilty,” he surmised.
“About what?” I demanded.
“About Flynn. About what happened between the two of you before.”
“Well duh. But that’s stuff Flynn and I have already dealt with.” I was starting to get loud. I couldn’t help it. Mr. Shrink was hitting a little too close to home.
I tried to calm down but there was some major button pushing going on. There was a reason I hated therapy. I didn’t like looking at myself. Self-reflection was most definitely not my thing.
“Flynn says you’ve just graduated from college with a Bachelors of Arts. Congratulations by the way,” Leonard smiled.
“Thanks,” I muttered, not fooled by his efforts to placate me.
“So what are your plans?” he asked, changing the subject, throwing me.
“What?” I demanded.
“Your plans. Now that you’ve graduated and you’ve moved back to Wellston, what do you want to do?”
I looked at Flynn, wishing he’d jump in and help me but it felt like he had checked out of the conversation. He seemed to not be listening to the conversation happening right in front of him.
“Do you feel like moving back here is a bit of a failure?” Leonard posed.
“Do you?” I countered.
“It’s not my life, Ellie.”
I sighed angrily. “Yeah, it wasn’t my first choice for a place to live.”
“But you’re here anyway. Because of Flynn right?”
I wished Flynn would show some acknowledgment. But he stared at his lap; the only sign that he hadn’t turned to a statue was the rise and fall of his chest.
“Yeah, because of Flynn,” I agreed, wishing I could leave. My time was way past up.
“Because you feel guilty about what happened with Flynn before,” Leonard said and I frowned. Where the hell did he get that from?
“No, because I love him,” I contradicted.
“Of course you do. But you feel guilty too right? Flynn has told me things were really bad between the two of you before. When you were younger. You must feel horrible about that, particularly now that you’re together. That kind of guilt can make you do things you don’t want to do. But guilt isn’t a reason to do something. I hope you know that.”
What in the flying fuck was this guy’s problem? Is that what he thought? That I was with Flynn, living here, because I felt guilty?
“I want to plan the trip to New York, Leonard. I only have eighteen minutes left and we haven’t done that yet,” Flynn said, interrupting the stand off happening between Leonard and me.
Leonard regarded me a few seconds longer and then turned to Flynn. “Absolutely. Let’s do that.”
I barely heard them as they started talking about coping skills and breathing techniques. I was thinking hard about what Leonard had said.
The therapist seemed to believe that I was motivated more by my guilt than by love. That couldn’t possibly be true.
Could it?
I was having a really hard time understanding my motivations anymore. As much as I wanted to deny that us being together had only to do with my love for him, I suddenly started to doubt.
My penchant for second-guessing started to overshadow everything.
Did I feel guilty?
This proved that the selfish Ellie was never very far from the surface.
“Ellie, I can tell hearing this upsets you. Why is that?”
I wanted to roll my eyes. His clichéd observations made me want to hit something. I narrowed my eyes at Leonard and focused my ire directly at him. “I don’t feel this discussion requires an audience. I’d like to talk to Flynn alone,” I said through clenched teeth.
Flynn shook his head. “I want to say this with Leonard here.”
“Flynn, I really think—“ I began but Leonard interrupted me just as he had done to Flynn earlier.
“I know this is uncomfortable. It has to be strange talking about serious, intimate things with a complete stranger sitting here listening in. I know you think I’m sitting here analyzing you, Ellie. I’m not. I’m just trying to get a sense of what things are like between you and Flynn. Now he obviously thinks you want something from him that he can’t deliver. That’s going to create a lot of strain in your relationship. And I’m picking up on some, maybe resentment, with you. Some anger perhaps.”
“I’m not angry!” I fumed, stupidly confirming his remark.
“Okay, let’s take a minute here before things become even more tense.” Leonard folded sat back in his chair and wrote something on a pad of paper. Was he writing notes about me? What the hell?
“There are issues here. Big ones. Wouldn’t you agree?” Leonard asked, looking first at Flynn then at me.
I shrugged, refusing to answer him. Flynn shrugged too.
“Ellie, Flynn has told me about your history and I understand that you have a lot of things in your past that maybe you haven’t had a chance to really work through,” Leonard ventured carefully.
Ugh! Here we go! The millionth go around about my freaking past!
“And I don’t plan on doing that here, okay,” I warned. My fingers had gone numb and I tried to wiggle them free of Flynn’s constricting grasp. But I couldn’t budge him. I was trapped.
In more ways then one.
“I think you feel guilty,” he surmised.
“About what?” I demanded.
“About Flynn. About what happened between the two of you before.”
“Well duh. But that’s stuff Flynn and I have already dealt with.” I was starting to get loud. I couldn’t help it. Mr. Shrink was hitting a little too close to home.
I tried to calm down but there was some major button pushing going on. There was a reason I hated therapy. I didn’t like looking at myself. Self-reflection was most definitely not my thing.
“Flynn says you’ve just graduated from college with a Bachelors of Arts. Congratulations by the way,” Leonard smiled.
“Thanks,” I muttered, not fooled by his efforts to placate me.
“So what are your plans?” he asked, changing the subject, throwing me.
“What?” I demanded.
“Your plans. Now that you’ve graduated and you’ve moved back to Wellston, what do you want to do?”
I looked at Flynn, wishing he’d jump in and help me but it felt like he had checked out of the conversation. He seemed to not be listening to the conversation happening right in front of him.
“Do you feel like moving back here is a bit of a failure?” Leonard posed.
“Do you?” I countered.
“It’s not my life, Ellie.”
I sighed angrily. “Yeah, it wasn’t my first choice for a place to live.”
“But you’re here anyway. Because of Flynn right?”
I wished Flynn would show some acknowledgment. But he stared at his lap; the only sign that he hadn’t turned to a statue was the rise and fall of his chest.
“Yeah, because of Flynn,” I agreed, wishing I could leave. My time was way past up.
“Because you feel guilty about what happened with Flynn before,” Leonard said and I frowned. Where the hell did he get that from?
“No, because I love him,” I contradicted.
“Of course you do. But you feel guilty too right? Flynn has told me things were really bad between the two of you before. When you were younger. You must feel horrible about that, particularly now that you’re together. That kind of guilt can make you do things you don’t want to do. But guilt isn’t a reason to do something. I hope you know that.”
What in the flying fuck was this guy’s problem? Is that what he thought? That I was with Flynn, living here, because I felt guilty?
“I want to plan the trip to New York, Leonard. I only have eighteen minutes left and we haven’t done that yet,” Flynn said, interrupting the stand off happening between Leonard and me.
Leonard regarded me a few seconds longer and then turned to Flynn. “Absolutely. Let’s do that.”
I barely heard them as they started talking about coping skills and breathing techniques. I was thinking hard about what Leonard had said.
The therapist seemed to believe that I was motivated more by my guilt than by love. That couldn’t possibly be true.
Could it?
I was having a really hard time understanding my motivations anymore. As much as I wanted to deny that us being together had only to do with my love for him, I suddenly started to doubt.
My penchant for second-guessing started to overshadow everything.
Did I feel guilty?
