Chasing the Tide
Page 82
But now, with him standing in front of me, looking distant and unsure, I couldn’t summon up any words at all.
“I wasn’t sure you would come back,” he said, his carefully neutral.
“I remember you saying once that you knew I’d come back,” I said, my words cracking and breaking.
But I know that one day I won’t need to miss you anymore because you’ll come back and find me again.
He had been so sure, so confident in my love for him all those years ago. There had never been a question that we’d end up where we belonged…with each other.
But now he didn’t look at me like a man who trusted his girlfriend not to break him. He looked scared.
“That was different,” he stated.
“How was it different?” I asked him, carefully putting the guitar back on the stand. I didn’t get to my feet. I stayed where I was, never sure exactly how close Flynn would let me come. Especially not now with the odd tension that filled the room.
“Because then you were going to school. This time you left because you didn’t want to be around me. You were unhappy. People don’t come back when they’re unhappy,” he said firmly.
“I was unhappy, Flynn. But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t come back to you—“
“When I asked you if you were coming back, you said ‘I don’t know’. Your eyes were wet and your mouth was sad. I’m trying to read you better. To pay attention to more than people’s words. And you didn’t want to come back. I could tell.” He sounded so hurt. His face reflected his feelings of betrayal.
“I’m so sorry, Flynn. I was being selfish. I was only thinking about myself,” I apologized, knowing the words just weren’t enough.
Not this time.
In the entire time I had known Flynn he had always forgiven me. Even when I didn’t deserve it, he had always trusted me.
But I could tell by the resolute set of his mouth and the distance in his eyes that this time may be different.
And that terrified me.
I was such a fool.
“Leonard says I wasn’t fair to you when I expected you to come back here. That I should have thought about your feelings. I thought you wanted to be with me. I thought that was all that was important.”
I finally got to my feet and closed the gap between us by a few inches. It still wasn’t close enough to touch, but it was all I knew he could handle right now.
“I chose to come back here—“
“But you had told me you didn’t want to. That’s why you would never come back the whole time you were in school. Why you wanted me to come see you. But I couldn’t. I was scared. So you came here. To live with me. And now you’re unhappy. It’s my fault.” Flynn’s normally expressionless voice shook.
“Stop it, Flynn,” I said softly.
“Stop what?” he asked, confused, his eyes still so sad it made my heart ache.
“This isn’t your fault. I’m the one letting my fear, my past to dictate how I live. I associated this town with every bad thing that had ever happened to me. I thought that by coming back, I’d lose the parts of me that I had discovered once I was on my own. But that’s ridiculous. Nothing has that sort of power. And definitely not a damn town,” I said.
“Bad stuff happened here. I know that. Some of it happened to me too. Because of you! But I love you anyway. I forgave you. I thought that was enough. But if it’s not, you don’t have to be here if you don’t want to be. I love you, but you should go. You should leave,” he said with a finality that caused my heart to thud painfully in my chest.
Flynn Hendrick had just said that he loved me.
I had been waiting years to hear those words from his mouth. I hated how I had to hear it now, when he was telling me to leave.
“You don’t mean that,” I whispered, not able to speak any louder.
“I do mean it. I don’t want you to yell anymore. I don’t want you to look like you want to cry. I wanted us to live in this house together and have a family. But if you don’t want that, I won’t make you stay.”
Flynn was giving me an out.
He was saying I could go without the guilt. That while he loved me, he wouldn’t hold me back.
Living with him hadn’t been easy. Building a life with someone when you had only just learned what it meant to live sometimes felt impossible.
But hadn’t I learned that loving Flynn, that being with him, was worth it all?
I looked at Flynn now and saw the boy who had once smiled at me shyly, telling me that I was pretty and that he wanted to draw me.
I thought of him holding out a Black-eyed Susan that night in his yard under the moon, having planted them because they had been my favorite.
He painted the living room yellow because I had mentioned once that I had thought it would look nice.
And now, just minutes ago, he had finally told me that he loved me.
He was banana bread and holding hands. He was soft smiles and warm touches. He was whispered words and solemn declarations.
He was love.
He was home.
He was forever.
“Flynn, I know leaving like that wasn’t right.” My voice caught and I had to take a deep breath before continuing.
“I know how that must have hurt you and I should have talked to you instead of leaving. It’s always been easiest for me to run. I’d rather avoid than deal with the messy and hard stuff. But I don’t want to run from you. I want to stay here. I want to live a life that’s meant for us alone.”
“I wasn’t sure you would come back,” he said, his carefully neutral.
“I remember you saying once that you knew I’d come back,” I said, my words cracking and breaking.
But I know that one day I won’t need to miss you anymore because you’ll come back and find me again.
He had been so sure, so confident in my love for him all those years ago. There had never been a question that we’d end up where we belonged…with each other.
But now he didn’t look at me like a man who trusted his girlfriend not to break him. He looked scared.
“That was different,” he stated.
“How was it different?” I asked him, carefully putting the guitar back on the stand. I didn’t get to my feet. I stayed where I was, never sure exactly how close Flynn would let me come. Especially not now with the odd tension that filled the room.
“Because then you were going to school. This time you left because you didn’t want to be around me. You were unhappy. People don’t come back when they’re unhappy,” he said firmly.
“I was unhappy, Flynn. But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t come back to you—“
“When I asked you if you were coming back, you said ‘I don’t know’. Your eyes were wet and your mouth was sad. I’m trying to read you better. To pay attention to more than people’s words. And you didn’t want to come back. I could tell.” He sounded so hurt. His face reflected his feelings of betrayal.
“I’m so sorry, Flynn. I was being selfish. I was only thinking about myself,” I apologized, knowing the words just weren’t enough.
Not this time.
In the entire time I had known Flynn he had always forgiven me. Even when I didn’t deserve it, he had always trusted me.
But I could tell by the resolute set of his mouth and the distance in his eyes that this time may be different.
And that terrified me.
I was such a fool.
“Leonard says I wasn’t fair to you when I expected you to come back here. That I should have thought about your feelings. I thought you wanted to be with me. I thought that was all that was important.”
I finally got to my feet and closed the gap between us by a few inches. It still wasn’t close enough to touch, but it was all I knew he could handle right now.
“I chose to come back here—“
“But you had told me you didn’t want to. That’s why you would never come back the whole time you were in school. Why you wanted me to come see you. But I couldn’t. I was scared. So you came here. To live with me. And now you’re unhappy. It’s my fault.” Flynn’s normally expressionless voice shook.
“Stop it, Flynn,” I said softly.
“Stop what?” he asked, confused, his eyes still so sad it made my heart ache.
“This isn’t your fault. I’m the one letting my fear, my past to dictate how I live. I associated this town with every bad thing that had ever happened to me. I thought that by coming back, I’d lose the parts of me that I had discovered once I was on my own. But that’s ridiculous. Nothing has that sort of power. And definitely not a damn town,” I said.
“Bad stuff happened here. I know that. Some of it happened to me too. Because of you! But I love you anyway. I forgave you. I thought that was enough. But if it’s not, you don’t have to be here if you don’t want to be. I love you, but you should go. You should leave,” he said with a finality that caused my heart to thud painfully in my chest.
Flynn Hendrick had just said that he loved me.
I had been waiting years to hear those words from his mouth. I hated how I had to hear it now, when he was telling me to leave.
“You don’t mean that,” I whispered, not able to speak any louder.
“I do mean it. I don’t want you to yell anymore. I don’t want you to look like you want to cry. I wanted us to live in this house together and have a family. But if you don’t want that, I won’t make you stay.”
Flynn was giving me an out.
He was saying I could go without the guilt. That while he loved me, he wouldn’t hold me back.
Living with him hadn’t been easy. Building a life with someone when you had only just learned what it meant to live sometimes felt impossible.
But hadn’t I learned that loving Flynn, that being with him, was worth it all?
I looked at Flynn now and saw the boy who had once smiled at me shyly, telling me that I was pretty and that he wanted to draw me.
I thought of him holding out a Black-eyed Susan that night in his yard under the moon, having planted them because they had been my favorite.
He painted the living room yellow because I had mentioned once that I had thought it would look nice.
And now, just minutes ago, he had finally told me that he loved me.
He was banana bread and holding hands. He was soft smiles and warm touches. He was whispered words and solemn declarations.
He was love.
He was home.
He was forever.
“Flynn, I know leaving like that wasn’t right.” My voice caught and I had to take a deep breath before continuing.
“I know how that must have hurt you and I should have talked to you instead of leaving. It’s always been easiest for me to run. I’d rather avoid than deal with the messy and hard stuff. But I don’t want to run from you. I want to stay here. I want to live a life that’s meant for us alone.”
