Chasing the Tide
Page 83
“You make my heart hurt, Ellie. I don’t understand why you do the things you do. I don’t understand a lot, I know that, but I try to understand you. But it’s hard. And then you leave or you won’t talk and I feel scared and worried because I just want you to stay. I want you to feel better.”
I took the last few steps until I was in front of him. I reached up and cupped his face in my hand. He didn’t pull away. He had let me in. And I swore to deserve him.
“You make me feel better by just being you, Flynn,” I said softly.
“But you always leave. It hurts so much when you do that,” he said tightly.
“I don’t know how to do things any differently. I never had a mom who baked me banana bread and made sure I had a packed lunch every day. My mom left me. I didn’t have the best role model for a healthy relationship. I think that it’s time that I dealt with all that. And I don’t think I can do it on my own. That I need more than you and me to work through my past,” I told him. Flynn slowly covered my hand with his.
“You could talk to Leonard. He helps me a lot,” Flynn suggested and I nodded.
“I think that would be a good idea.” Wow. I had just agreed to therapy. I never thought I’d see the day that would happen. But I couldn’t let my demons destroy anything else in my life.
I wouldn’t let them destroy this.
“This is hard. Leonard said it would be. I didn’t believe him. I should have listened.” Flynn shook his head.
“Leonard’s right. Being in relationship with someone is difficult. You have to figure out how to live in someone else’s space. I’m not used to it. In the years you and I have been together, we haven’t really ever been together. Does that make sense?” I asked him.
“We didn’t live together. You were in Maryland and I was here.”
“And now we’re having to adjust our normal routines to accommodate each other. And we’re hitting some road bumps. And I haven’t handled them the best.”
“You yell a lot,” Flynn said.
“And you flip out when I’m not home for dinner,” I point out.
“You don’t put your dishes in the sink and leave hair in the drain in the shower,” he continues.
“You won’t let me touch your art stuff,” I lobbed back.
“But I love you and I want you here. Even when you make me mad,” Flynn said and I in the end that was really all that mattered.
“I do think we need to talk about something. Something important,” I began, not hesitating. Knowing this needed to be said.
“You look serious,” Flynn said, looking anxious.
“I can’t stay in Wellston forever, Flynn,” I said, getting straight to it.
“I thought you said you wanted to stay here. Now you want to leave.” His voice started to rise and I grabbed a hold of his hands and squeezed.
“Listen to me. I’m saying that I know you like your routines, your schedules, your predictability. I know that new places make you anxious and uncomfortable. But Flynn, I need to experience new places. I want to see what else is out there. I can’t live here and never leave.”
Flynn didn’t say anything. His face was completely unreadable. I felt sick. I worried that once again I was being selfish. But I knew that if this was ever going to work, this was something that I needed.
“But we’ll always come back,” Flynn said after a time.
I smiled and nodded. “We’ll always come back. This is our home.”
He took a deep breath and leaned down to kiss me. “And when you get mad, don’t leave. I hate it when you go.”
“I will really try, Flynn. But that’s something I need to work on. I promise you that I will.”
“And we’ll go places together. And you’ll help me stay calm. We can see things that you want to see. And then we can come back. To our house. Where we belong,” Flynn agreed.
“Where we belong,” I said, wrapping my arms around him.
I had thought that I needed more than Wellston. More than what this place could give me. I had only ever associated it with bad memories, bad choices, bad people.
But there was one thing that trumped all of that.
It was here, in this quiet town where I had lived my entire life that I had found Flynn.
A lost girl had met a sad, lonely boy and had found her heart.
“I love you, Flynn.”
I felt him kiss the top of my head. Soft, light touches that I felt to the tip of my toes.
He leaned down and whispered words in my ear that erased everything that had ever come before this.
This one perfect moment.
“I love you, Ellie.”
Epilogue
-Flynn-
A few years later
My collar is too tight. The fabric makes my skin itch. I pull it away from my neck so I can breathe.
“Here, let me do that.”
Ellie walks into our bedroom and loosens the tie around my neck and unbuttons the top button.
“I usually button the top one,” I say.
“Yeah, but it will be more comfortable like this,” Ellie says and smiles.
I love her smile.
I love her.
I like telling Ellie that I love her and see the way her eyes smile like her mouth.
“Do I look all right?” Ellie asks. She looks nervous. Her hands won’t stop moving.
I reach out and take a hold of her hands and hold them.
I love touching her more than I love anything.
I took the last few steps until I was in front of him. I reached up and cupped his face in my hand. He didn’t pull away. He had let me in. And I swore to deserve him.
“You make me feel better by just being you, Flynn,” I said softly.
“But you always leave. It hurts so much when you do that,” he said tightly.
“I don’t know how to do things any differently. I never had a mom who baked me banana bread and made sure I had a packed lunch every day. My mom left me. I didn’t have the best role model for a healthy relationship. I think that it’s time that I dealt with all that. And I don’t think I can do it on my own. That I need more than you and me to work through my past,” I told him. Flynn slowly covered my hand with his.
“You could talk to Leonard. He helps me a lot,” Flynn suggested and I nodded.
“I think that would be a good idea.” Wow. I had just agreed to therapy. I never thought I’d see the day that would happen. But I couldn’t let my demons destroy anything else in my life.
I wouldn’t let them destroy this.
“This is hard. Leonard said it would be. I didn’t believe him. I should have listened.” Flynn shook his head.
“Leonard’s right. Being in relationship with someone is difficult. You have to figure out how to live in someone else’s space. I’m not used to it. In the years you and I have been together, we haven’t really ever been together. Does that make sense?” I asked him.
“We didn’t live together. You were in Maryland and I was here.”
“And now we’re having to adjust our normal routines to accommodate each other. And we’re hitting some road bumps. And I haven’t handled them the best.”
“You yell a lot,” Flynn said.
“And you flip out when I’m not home for dinner,” I point out.
“You don’t put your dishes in the sink and leave hair in the drain in the shower,” he continues.
“You won’t let me touch your art stuff,” I lobbed back.
“But I love you and I want you here. Even when you make me mad,” Flynn said and I in the end that was really all that mattered.
“I do think we need to talk about something. Something important,” I began, not hesitating. Knowing this needed to be said.
“You look serious,” Flynn said, looking anxious.
“I can’t stay in Wellston forever, Flynn,” I said, getting straight to it.
“I thought you said you wanted to stay here. Now you want to leave.” His voice started to rise and I grabbed a hold of his hands and squeezed.
“Listen to me. I’m saying that I know you like your routines, your schedules, your predictability. I know that new places make you anxious and uncomfortable. But Flynn, I need to experience new places. I want to see what else is out there. I can’t live here and never leave.”
Flynn didn’t say anything. His face was completely unreadable. I felt sick. I worried that once again I was being selfish. But I knew that if this was ever going to work, this was something that I needed.
“But we’ll always come back,” Flynn said after a time.
I smiled and nodded. “We’ll always come back. This is our home.”
He took a deep breath and leaned down to kiss me. “And when you get mad, don’t leave. I hate it when you go.”
“I will really try, Flynn. But that’s something I need to work on. I promise you that I will.”
“And we’ll go places together. And you’ll help me stay calm. We can see things that you want to see. And then we can come back. To our house. Where we belong,” Flynn agreed.
“Where we belong,” I said, wrapping my arms around him.
I had thought that I needed more than Wellston. More than what this place could give me. I had only ever associated it with bad memories, bad choices, bad people.
But there was one thing that trumped all of that.
It was here, in this quiet town where I had lived my entire life that I had found Flynn.
A lost girl had met a sad, lonely boy and had found her heart.
“I love you, Flynn.”
I felt him kiss the top of my head. Soft, light touches that I felt to the tip of my toes.
He leaned down and whispered words in my ear that erased everything that had ever come before this.
This one perfect moment.
“I love you, Ellie.”
Epilogue
-Flynn-
A few years later
My collar is too tight. The fabric makes my skin itch. I pull it away from my neck so I can breathe.
“Here, let me do that.”
Ellie walks into our bedroom and loosens the tie around my neck and unbuttons the top button.
“I usually button the top one,” I say.
“Yeah, but it will be more comfortable like this,” Ellie says and smiles.
I love her smile.
I love her.
I like telling Ellie that I love her and see the way her eyes smile like her mouth.
“Do I look all right?” Ellie asks. She looks nervous. Her hands won’t stop moving.
I reach out and take a hold of her hands and hold them.
I love touching her more than I love anything.
