Christmas on 4th Street
Page 23
She stared into his eyes. He had no idea what she was thinking, so he didn’t bother trying to figure it out. Instead, he let his gaze roam her face, taking in the sweet shape of her mouth and how her blond hair swayed with every movement.
“Let me see if I have this straight,” she said. “You got too close, too fast. Because of my sparkling personality and the great sex, you couldn’t handle it, so you ran. Emotionally, if not physically. Now you feel guilty, but if you apologize too clearly, I might expect more than you can give. You’re also worried I’m not tough enough to handle whatever you think you have going on. Is that about right?”
While the concepts matched, he didn’t like how she’d characterized him. “I wouldn’t have put it...”
She raised her eyebrows. “Yes or no?”
“Yes.”
“My place after closing. You need to be there. I have something to show you.”
With that she opened the door to the store and walked away.
Gabriel watched her go, not sure what had happened, but if there had just been a battle between them, he’d lost on all fronts.
* * *
As instructed, Gabriel arrived at Noelle’s small house after closing. She met him at the door, a kitten in each arm, and laughed when she handed him one.
“This is a crazy number of cats,” she said, stepping over the two mother cats, as she backed up to let him in. “One litter would have been bad enough, but two?”
He saw the younger litter was still confined to a large box, but they were more active. Their eyes were open and they climbed over each other in an effort to join the rest of their friends.
The mother cats had gotten over their skittishness and wove their way about his ankles.
“They’ve just eaten,” Noelle told him. “They’re always very friendly after a meal.” She set down the kitten she held.
He did the same and followed her into her tiny spare bedroom.
She’d turned the space into a home office. There was a desk with a laptop and a couple of chairs. Next to the laptop was a clear plastic bin filled with files and paperwork.
“Have a seat,” she said and opened the bin.
He did as she requested, not sure where this was going. While Noelle seemed friendly enough, there was a wariness to her posture, as if she was ready to defend herself. He couldn’t begin to guess what was in the bin. A criminal record? Tax fraud? Adoption records for six kids?
She handed him a file. He saw the name of the hospital printed on the front of the folder and her name on the tab.
“Medical records?” he asked.
She nodded.
“Noelle, you don’t have to—”
“Just look at it, okay?”
He opened the file and read the first page. The diagnosis jumped out at him. Acute myeloid leukemia—AML. Not always a death sentence, but rare—especially for someone her age. The treatment was chemotherapy, often aggressive. If that didn’t work, the next step was usually a bone marrow transplant. He didn’t know much more—this wasn’t his area of expertise.
The dates went back three years. Her initial diagnosis, the prognosis, depending on how she responded to treatment. His chest tightened and there was a knot in his gut. She’d had bad reactions to the chemo. She’d nearly died.
He glanced at her, at her glowing skin and shiny hair. “You’ve come a long way,” he said quietly.
“You have no idea.”
She passed him a picture of her in a hospital gown. She was thin and pale and bald, with an IV hooked up to her arm.
“I’d been sick for a while,” she said, reaching down for one of the kittens, who had followed them into the study. “Just not feeling well. My doctor did a blood panel and saw some abnormalities. I figured I was stressed from having lost my mom and my grandmother in a car accident.”
She cuddled the cat, who started to purr.
“But it was more than that. I went to a specialist who came up with an aggressive plan. It would be hell, but he was pretty confident we would get it all.”
She gave him a faint smile. “You have no idea how many times you get stuck with a needle going through something like that. Which made my fainting when I saw blood pretty funny.”
He put the file on the desk and tried to absorb what she was saying. Disbelief mingled with horror at what she’d been through. He’d been wrong about her. She knew plenty about suffering.
“You could have died,” he said before he could stop himself.
“I nearly did, more than once. But I decided to fight. I believed there was going to be more to my life than my disease.” She drew in a breath and looked at him. “I was engaged before. We had a wedding date and everything. It all got put on hold.”
Not her idea, he realized, even as he knew what came next.
“He walked out on you,” he said flatly.
She shrugged. “It was more than he could handle. I’m technically in remission. I could be here my whole life or be sick again tomorrow. No one knows. Statistically, I’m going to live until I’m eighty, but he wanted to know for sure. So yes, he left. When I went back to work at my law firm, they wouldn’t give me any of the real work. They made it clear I wasn’t welcome. I’d shown weakness and they had no place for that.”
He wanted to touch her, to comfort her, but she didn’t need that. She was stronger than he’d ever realized.
“So you stuck a pin in a map,” he murmured.
“And ended up here, with a store and friends, and a life.” She smiled. “I have so much to be grateful for. My own medical miracle. I might not have seen what you’ve seen, but I’ve fought my own war. I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed and exhausted, all while puking my guts out. I’m tough, Gabriel. Every month I gain another pound or two. By this time next year, I’ll have my curves back. I look forward to being like Isabel and worrying about ten pounds. Because that is so silly and normal and every time she complains about her h*ps or her thighs I vow I’ll get there.”
She put down the kitten and took his hands in hers. “I know about ghosts and lost opportunities and believe me, I know there are no guarantees. I’m sorry the lesson you learned from what you’ve been through is it’s not worth taking the chance, because I believe it’s all about taking the chance. We are the sum of our experiences and those experiences need to come from a place of wonder and curiosity.”
She smiled at him. “I don’t know if you’re going to stay in the army or not, but I do know you’re leaving Fool’s Gold. I know this isn’t permanent and I still want to be with you. I want us to be friends and I want us to be lovers. And just so we’re clear, if you don’t want to sleep with me after hearing all this, you’re not nearly as bright as you look.”
There was too much for him to take in, he thought. He’d been wrong about her in nearly every way possible. He hadn’t come close to guessing that she’d been sick. He’d missed all the clues. Worse, he’d misread their time together because he’d made it all about himself.
“I’m such a jackass,” he said, coming to his feet and pulling her into a standing position.
“Good answer.”
Sharp claws dug into his leg. He looked down and saw the kitten trying to climb his jeans. He grabbed the cat by the scruff of her neck and gently pulled her away, then set her on the ground. Then he took Noelle by the hand and led her into the bedroom.
Once the door was closed, he cupped her cheeks and studied her face. “You’re so beautiful,” he told her right before he kissed her.
Her mouth was soft and yielding, but as he stroked his tongue against her lower lip, he felt her respond with growing passion. The need was in him—it had never really gone away. Now it moved through his blood, heating, stirring, making it difficult to think beyond how he could touch her and be in her.
She was a gift he didn’t deserve, he thought as he moved his hands across her back and then down her side to her hips. He took the return journey more slowly, savoring the feel of her body before cupping her curves in his hands.
She moaned softly. Her head fell back and he trailed his mouth down her neck.
“Tell me you bought condoms,” he whispered against her skin.
She laughed and reached for the hem of her sweater. “Of course.” Her eyes sparkled with amusement. “Extra large.”
“That’s my girl.”
* * *
Sometime after midnight Noelle pulled on her robe and headed for the kitchen. They were too late for take-out so she was going to have to find them something to eat from what was in her refrigerator. Too bad she hadn’t brought back a few casseroles from their time at the cabin. All that food had been delicious.
She found a frozen pizza in her freezer and figured they could make do. As she turned on the oven, one of the mother cats strolled into the kitchen and meowed at her. The feline gaze was both inquisitive and knowing.
“Yes, we were doing it,” Noelle admitted to her houseguest.
The mother cat meowed again.
“I’m aware of the consequences. I won’t get pregnant.”
The cat’s gaze turned knowing, as if she were pointing out there were other kinds of consequences.
“You meant falling in love?” Noelle asked, her tone light. Because she already knew the answer. She loved Gabriel. She wasn’t sure when or where, but it had happened. It was a monumentally stupid thing to have done and yet she wouldn’t take it back, even if she could.
* * *
“What do you think?” Gabriel asked, turning the laptop so Noelle could see the screen.
She squinted at the image. “It’s a book.”
“It’s a set of books,” he corrected.
“Because that makes it better?” she asked with a laugh.
They were sprawled on her sofa, spending a quiet Sunday afternoon together. Since spending the night with her, Gabriel hadn’t left. Technically, he hadn’t moved in, but in the past couple of days, he’d started bringing over clothes and toiletries.
Noelle wasn’t sure what had caused the change of heart. She knew it was something about her illness but didn’t know if he now thought she could understand his world better or if he thought she was tough or what. She also wasn’t about to ask. If her goal was to live life to the fullest, then she needed to enjoy her time with Gabriel while it lasted and then accept that he would be leaving. When that happened, she would be hurt and have to recover.
Being with him, loving him, had made her realize that some part of her had been afraid to give in to a man again. She’d been so devastated when Jeremy had walked out on her. Intellectually, she’d known that finding out he wasn’t interested in the “in sickness” part of marriage before taking vows was a good thing, she’d also felt completely alone in the world. For all of her talk of wanting a man around, she’d been afraid to take that risk again.
But now she had. She’d given her heart to Gabriel, which meant she could give it to someone else eventually. The last piece of her had healed and that felt good.
He turned the computer so he could study the screen. “You’re saying Carter won’t like books for a present? I thought he enjoyed reading.”
“He does. But ebooks. I know this century has been hard for you,” she teased. “But there are now books you can download to your—”
She had more she was going to say, but he put the laptop on the coffee table and lunged for her. She squirmed to get away, knowing he was going to tickle her. The kittens, who had been crawling along the back of the sofa, joined in the game, jumping on her shoulder and his back. Needle claws dug in.
Gabriel straightened and gingerly pulled the kitten from his back. He held it up in the air.
“Watch it,” he said, his voice softer than his words. The kitten swiped at him with one paw, then relaxed in his arms when he rolled it onto its back and began rubbing its tummy.
“Giving an ebook isn’t the same,” he grumbled. “How do I wrap that?”
“I’ll admit the wrapping is a problem.” She shifted her kitten to her lap and scratched the side of its face. “You could get him a car.”
“He’s thirteen.”
“Yes, but he keeps telling his father it’s never too early to learn to drive.”
Gabriel shifted so he was facing front, then pulled her against him. He wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head. His kitten started climbing his chest.
“No car,” he said. “I’ll keep looking. I have gifts for everyone else.”
Gifts he’d ordered online in the past couple of days, she thought. They were being delivered here. He’d already told her he would need help wrapping.
“How long has it been since you’ve spent the holidays with your family?” she asked.
“Years. It was back in college, I think. When I was in medical school, I couldn’t always get away. I needed the time to study.”
“Or so you told them.”
“Yeah, that, too.”
She looked up at him. “Let me guess. In the army you always volunteered to work on Christmas, claiming that it was so the others could be with their families. But in truth it was so you didn’t have to deal with going home yourself.”
“You think you’re pretty smart.”
“I have the LSATs to prove it.”
He smiled at her. “It wasn’t about not going home. By then my parents’ house wasn’t home. But you’re right. I didn’t want to deal with them. I felt bad for my mom, but I mostly couldn’t deal with my dad.”
“Let me see if I have this straight,” she said. “You got too close, too fast. Because of my sparkling personality and the great sex, you couldn’t handle it, so you ran. Emotionally, if not physically. Now you feel guilty, but if you apologize too clearly, I might expect more than you can give. You’re also worried I’m not tough enough to handle whatever you think you have going on. Is that about right?”
While the concepts matched, he didn’t like how she’d characterized him. “I wouldn’t have put it...”
She raised her eyebrows. “Yes or no?”
“Yes.”
“My place after closing. You need to be there. I have something to show you.”
With that she opened the door to the store and walked away.
Gabriel watched her go, not sure what had happened, but if there had just been a battle between them, he’d lost on all fronts.
* * *
As instructed, Gabriel arrived at Noelle’s small house after closing. She met him at the door, a kitten in each arm, and laughed when she handed him one.
“This is a crazy number of cats,” she said, stepping over the two mother cats, as she backed up to let him in. “One litter would have been bad enough, but two?”
He saw the younger litter was still confined to a large box, but they were more active. Their eyes were open and they climbed over each other in an effort to join the rest of their friends.
The mother cats had gotten over their skittishness and wove their way about his ankles.
“They’ve just eaten,” Noelle told him. “They’re always very friendly after a meal.” She set down the kitten she held.
He did the same and followed her into her tiny spare bedroom.
She’d turned the space into a home office. There was a desk with a laptop and a couple of chairs. Next to the laptop was a clear plastic bin filled with files and paperwork.
“Have a seat,” she said and opened the bin.
He did as she requested, not sure where this was going. While Noelle seemed friendly enough, there was a wariness to her posture, as if she was ready to defend herself. He couldn’t begin to guess what was in the bin. A criminal record? Tax fraud? Adoption records for six kids?
She handed him a file. He saw the name of the hospital printed on the front of the folder and her name on the tab.
“Medical records?” he asked.
She nodded.
“Noelle, you don’t have to—”
“Just look at it, okay?”
He opened the file and read the first page. The diagnosis jumped out at him. Acute myeloid leukemia—AML. Not always a death sentence, but rare—especially for someone her age. The treatment was chemotherapy, often aggressive. If that didn’t work, the next step was usually a bone marrow transplant. He didn’t know much more—this wasn’t his area of expertise.
The dates went back three years. Her initial diagnosis, the prognosis, depending on how she responded to treatment. His chest tightened and there was a knot in his gut. She’d had bad reactions to the chemo. She’d nearly died.
He glanced at her, at her glowing skin and shiny hair. “You’ve come a long way,” he said quietly.
“You have no idea.”
She passed him a picture of her in a hospital gown. She was thin and pale and bald, with an IV hooked up to her arm.
“I’d been sick for a while,” she said, reaching down for one of the kittens, who had followed them into the study. “Just not feeling well. My doctor did a blood panel and saw some abnormalities. I figured I was stressed from having lost my mom and my grandmother in a car accident.”
She cuddled the cat, who started to purr.
“But it was more than that. I went to a specialist who came up with an aggressive plan. It would be hell, but he was pretty confident we would get it all.”
She gave him a faint smile. “You have no idea how many times you get stuck with a needle going through something like that. Which made my fainting when I saw blood pretty funny.”
He put the file on the desk and tried to absorb what she was saying. Disbelief mingled with horror at what she’d been through. He’d been wrong about her. She knew plenty about suffering.
“You could have died,” he said before he could stop himself.
“I nearly did, more than once. But I decided to fight. I believed there was going to be more to my life than my disease.” She drew in a breath and looked at him. “I was engaged before. We had a wedding date and everything. It all got put on hold.”
Not her idea, he realized, even as he knew what came next.
“He walked out on you,” he said flatly.
She shrugged. “It was more than he could handle. I’m technically in remission. I could be here my whole life or be sick again tomorrow. No one knows. Statistically, I’m going to live until I’m eighty, but he wanted to know for sure. So yes, he left. When I went back to work at my law firm, they wouldn’t give me any of the real work. They made it clear I wasn’t welcome. I’d shown weakness and they had no place for that.”
He wanted to touch her, to comfort her, but she didn’t need that. She was stronger than he’d ever realized.
“So you stuck a pin in a map,” he murmured.
“And ended up here, with a store and friends, and a life.” She smiled. “I have so much to be grateful for. My own medical miracle. I might not have seen what you’ve seen, but I’ve fought my own war. I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed and exhausted, all while puking my guts out. I’m tough, Gabriel. Every month I gain another pound or two. By this time next year, I’ll have my curves back. I look forward to being like Isabel and worrying about ten pounds. Because that is so silly and normal and every time she complains about her h*ps or her thighs I vow I’ll get there.”
She put down the kitten and took his hands in hers. “I know about ghosts and lost opportunities and believe me, I know there are no guarantees. I’m sorry the lesson you learned from what you’ve been through is it’s not worth taking the chance, because I believe it’s all about taking the chance. We are the sum of our experiences and those experiences need to come from a place of wonder and curiosity.”
She smiled at him. “I don’t know if you’re going to stay in the army or not, but I do know you’re leaving Fool’s Gold. I know this isn’t permanent and I still want to be with you. I want us to be friends and I want us to be lovers. And just so we’re clear, if you don’t want to sleep with me after hearing all this, you’re not nearly as bright as you look.”
There was too much for him to take in, he thought. He’d been wrong about her in nearly every way possible. He hadn’t come close to guessing that she’d been sick. He’d missed all the clues. Worse, he’d misread their time together because he’d made it all about himself.
“I’m such a jackass,” he said, coming to his feet and pulling her into a standing position.
“Good answer.”
Sharp claws dug into his leg. He looked down and saw the kitten trying to climb his jeans. He grabbed the cat by the scruff of her neck and gently pulled her away, then set her on the ground. Then he took Noelle by the hand and led her into the bedroom.
Once the door was closed, he cupped her cheeks and studied her face. “You’re so beautiful,” he told her right before he kissed her.
Her mouth was soft and yielding, but as he stroked his tongue against her lower lip, he felt her respond with growing passion. The need was in him—it had never really gone away. Now it moved through his blood, heating, stirring, making it difficult to think beyond how he could touch her and be in her.
She was a gift he didn’t deserve, he thought as he moved his hands across her back and then down her side to her hips. He took the return journey more slowly, savoring the feel of her body before cupping her curves in his hands.
She moaned softly. Her head fell back and he trailed his mouth down her neck.
“Tell me you bought condoms,” he whispered against her skin.
She laughed and reached for the hem of her sweater. “Of course.” Her eyes sparkled with amusement. “Extra large.”
“That’s my girl.”
* * *
Sometime after midnight Noelle pulled on her robe and headed for the kitchen. They were too late for take-out so she was going to have to find them something to eat from what was in her refrigerator. Too bad she hadn’t brought back a few casseroles from their time at the cabin. All that food had been delicious.
She found a frozen pizza in her freezer and figured they could make do. As she turned on the oven, one of the mother cats strolled into the kitchen and meowed at her. The feline gaze was both inquisitive and knowing.
“Yes, we were doing it,” Noelle admitted to her houseguest.
The mother cat meowed again.
“I’m aware of the consequences. I won’t get pregnant.”
The cat’s gaze turned knowing, as if she were pointing out there were other kinds of consequences.
“You meant falling in love?” Noelle asked, her tone light. Because she already knew the answer. She loved Gabriel. She wasn’t sure when or where, but it had happened. It was a monumentally stupid thing to have done and yet she wouldn’t take it back, even if she could.
* * *
“What do you think?” Gabriel asked, turning the laptop so Noelle could see the screen.
She squinted at the image. “It’s a book.”
“It’s a set of books,” he corrected.
“Because that makes it better?” she asked with a laugh.
They were sprawled on her sofa, spending a quiet Sunday afternoon together. Since spending the night with her, Gabriel hadn’t left. Technically, he hadn’t moved in, but in the past couple of days, he’d started bringing over clothes and toiletries.
Noelle wasn’t sure what had caused the change of heart. She knew it was something about her illness but didn’t know if he now thought she could understand his world better or if he thought she was tough or what. She also wasn’t about to ask. If her goal was to live life to the fullest, then she needed to enjoy her time with Gabriel while it lasted and then accept that he would be leaving. When that happened, she would be hurt and have to recover.
Being with him, loving him, had made her realize that some part of her had been afraid to give in to a man again. She’d been so devastated when Jeremy had walked out on her. Intellectually, she’d known that finding out he wasn’t interested in the “in sickness” part of marriage before taking vows was a good thing, she’d also felt completely alone in the world. For all of her talk of wanting a man around, she’d been afraid to take that risk again.
But now she had. She’d given her heart to Gabriel, which meant she could give it to someone else eventually. The last piece of her had healed and that felt good.
He turned the computer so he could study the screen. “You’re saying Carter won’t like books for a present? I thought he enjoyed reading.”
“He does. But ebooks. I know this century has been hard for you,” she teased. “But there are now books you can download to your—”
She had more she was going to say, but he put the laptop on the coffee table and lunged for her. She squirmed to get away, knowing he was going to tickle her. The kittens, who had been crawling along the back of the sofa, joined in the game, jumping on her shoulder and his back. Needle claws dug in.
Gabriel straightened and gingerly pulled the kitten from his back. He held it up in the air.
“Watch it,” he said, his voice softer than his words. The kitten swiped at him with one paw, then relaxed in his arms when he rolled it onto its back and began rubbing its tummy.
“Giving an ebook isn’t the same,” he grumbled. “How do I wrap that?”
“I’ll admit the wrapping is a problem.” She shifted her kitten to her lap and scratched the side of its face. “You could get him a car.”
“He’s thirteen.”
“Yes, but he keeps telling his father it’s never too early to learn to drive.”
Gabriel shifted so he was facing front, then pulled her against him. He wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head. His kitten started climbing his chest.
“No car,” he said. “I’ll keep looking. I have gifts for everyone else.”
Gifts he’d ordered online in the past couple of days, she thought. They were being delivered here. He’d already told her he would need help wrapping.
“How long has it been since you’ve spent the holidays with your family?” she asked.
“Years. It was back in college, I think. When I was in medical school, I couldn’t always get away. I needed the time to study.”
“Or so you told them.”
“Yeah, that, too.”
She looked up at him. “Let me guess. In the army you always volunteered to work on Christmas, claiming that it was so the others could be with their families. But in truth it was so you didn’t have to deal with going home yourself.”
“You think you’re pretty smart.”
“I have the LSATs to prove it.”
He smiled at her. “It wasn’t about not going home. By then my parents’ house wasn’t home. But you’re right. I didn’t want to deal with them. I felt bad for my mom, but I mostly couldn’t deal with my dad.”
