Closer to the Edge
Page 23
I change the resonance of my voice to something deeper, attempting to mimic Jared’s low, monotone speak.
“Jesus Christ, Forest Gump. I’ve never seen anyone run that fucking fast down a football field before. If you can catch a ball, eat a few cheeseburgers and bulk up a bit, we might have just found our new running back.”
I laughed thinking about how shocked I was back then. I was seconds away from pissing my pants in fear and before I knew it, I’d been recruited for the football team, made two new friends and stopped getting the shit kicked out of me on a daily basis.
“Those guys worked with me every day, pushing my limits in the weight room and making me eat more food in one sitting than I’d ever eaten in my life. By the end of that first season, I’d gained twenty pounds of muscle and our football team was undefeated.”
I feel Olivia squeeze my hand and it gives me the courage to keep going.
“They saved me when I was fifteen years old. They helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my life and they turned me into the man I became. Their families became my families when my parents were too busy working or taking trips around the world with my sister, leaving me alone for almost every major holiday. Caroline became the kid sister they never had and they helped me threaten every dude who came sniffing around her. I was Jared’s best man when he married his high school sweetheart and I was Chris’s wingman every time he found a new flavor of the week to bang,” I say with a laugh. “They were my best friends, my family and the only two people in my life who I would do anything for.”
I pause and finally take a chance at looking up at her face. “Until I met you.”
I let that statement sink in before I go on.
“You have no idea how much I struggled with the decision to leave. You need to understand that it wasn’t a choice between you and my best friends. Even if it were, I would always choose you, Olivia. But I owed them my life. I promised to have their backs and I fucked that promise right up when I let them die in the Dominican. They were always so fucking strong and together, the three of us were unstoppable. I thought they were indestructible and I was so focused on keeping my own ass safe that I left them alone. I should have stuck by them. I should have known…”
Her hand is squeezing mine in a death grip at this point and I focus on that instead of the unmanly fucking tears that are pooling in my eyes.
“Do you know what it’s like to hold a man’s wife who’s six months pregnant while she grieves for a husband who will never meet his child, knowing the entire time that it’s your fault? It’s your fault he’ll never teach that kid how to play catch, never perch him up on the bathroom sink and show him how to shave or tell him stories about his time as a Navy SEAL.”
I hear Olivia sniffle next to me and I know she’s crying. I want to pull her into my arms and take the comfort I know she’ll give me, but I can’t. If I do that I know I’ll break down. An apology is the best I can do.
“Jesus, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you any of this before. I should have made you understand that it was never a choice. It was something I had to do or I would never be able to forgive myself. I would never be the man you needed if I was carrying around this guilt and anger for the rest of my life.”
I see her head lean down out of my peripheral and I know she’s trying to get me to look at her.
“Did you think I wouldn’t understand? Do you think I’m so awful a person that I wouldn’t get what you needed to do?”
My head whips up and I stare at her with wide eyes. “Fuck, no! It was nothing like that. Olivia, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. You kept the nightmares away, you loved me when I didn’t deserve it and you made me whole again. You gave me a reason to get up in the morning. Jesus, the first time I saw you standing there in Parker and Garrett’s kitchen tapping your foot with an attitude, I forgot every single bad thing in my life. You gave me everything and I just didn’t want you to see that side of me. I didn’t want you to know that I was the type of man who could let down the two most important people in his life.”
“Stop it, right now,” she scolds, letting go of my hands and placing her palms on either side of my face. “You are the strongest, most honorable man I have ever met. You put your life on the line for people you don’t even know every time you go on a mission. These men, these best friends of yours, you don’t think they knew exactly what they signed up for when they became SEALs? You told me yourself that every time you go, you have to shut down and come to terms with the fact that you might not come home. They knew the chances they were taking. I don’t believe for one minute that these men would blame you for the things that happened on that mission. They were highly trained; the best of the best. What happened wasn’t your fault any more than it’s their fault you practically got your knee blown off.”
I close my eyes and let her words sink in. I’m not sure I believe them, but the conviction in her voice goes a long way towards helping me heal.
“I’m so sorry you lost them,” she says softly. “I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me about them before now. I wish I could have known them.”
I open my eyes and smile at her. “They would have loved you. Jared would have forced you to look at eight thousand wedding pictures and Chris would have told you you have a great ass.”
We both laugh and, for once, it feels nice to remember the good times with my friends instead of the horror of the day they were taken from me.
“Jesus Christ, Forest Gump. I’ve never seen anyone run that fucking fast down a football field before. If you can catch a ball, eat a few cheeseburgers and bulk up a bit, we might have just found our new running back.”
I laughed thinking about how shocked I was back then. I was seconds away from pissing my pants in fear and before I knew it, I’d been recruited for the football team, made two new friends and stopped getting the shit kicked out of me on a daily basis.
“Those guys worked with me every day, pushing my limits in the weight room and making me eat more food in one sitting than I’d ever eaten in my life. By the end of that first season, I’d gained twenty pounds of muscle and our football team was undefeated.”
I feel Olivia squeeze my hand and it gives me the courage to keep going.
“They saved me when I was fifteen years old. They helped me figure out what I wanted to do with my life and they turned me into the man I became. Their families became my families when my parents were too busy working or taking trips around the world with my sister, leaving me alone for almost every major holiday. Caroline became the kid sister they never had and they helped me threaten every dude who came sniffing around her. I was Jared’s best man when he married his high school sweetheart and I was Chris’s wingman every time he found a new flavor of the week to bang,” I say with a laugh. “They were my best friends, my family and the only two people in my life who I would do anything for.”
I pause and finally take a chance at looking up at her face. “Until I met you.”
I let that statement sink in before I go on.
“You have no idea how much I struggled with the decision to leave. You need to understand that it wasn’t a choice between you and my best friends. Even if it were, I would always choose you, Olivia. But I owed them my life. I promised to have their backs and I fucked that promise right up when I let them die in the Dominican. They were always so fucking strong and together, the three of us were unstoppable. I thought they were indestructible and I was so focused on keeping my own ass safe that I left them alone. I should have stuck by them. I should have known…”
Her hand is squeezing mine in a death grip at this point and I focus on that instead of the unmanly fucking tears that are pooling in my eyes.
“Do you know what it’s like to hold a man’s wife who’s six months pregnant while she grieves for a husband who will never meet his child, knowing the entire time that it’s your fault? It’s your fault he’ll never teach that kid how to play catch, never perch him up on the bathroom sink and show him how to shave or tell him stories about his time as a Navy SEAL.”
I hear Olivia sniffle next to me and I know she’s crying. I want to pull her into my arms and take the comfort I know she’ll give me, but I can’t. If I do that I know I’ll break down. An apology is the best I can do.
“Jesus, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you any of this before. I should have made you understand that it was never a choice. It was something I had to do or I would never be able to forgive myself. I would never be the man you needed if I was carrying around this guilt and anger for the rest of my life.”
I see her head lean down out of my peripheral and I know she’s trying to get me to look at her.
“Did you think I wouldn’t understand? Do you think I’m so awful a person that I wouldn’t get what you needed to do?”
My head whips up and I stare at her with wide eyes. “Fuck, no! It was nothing like that. Olivia, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. You kept the nightmares away, you loved me when I didn’t deserve it and you made me whole again. You gave me a reason to get up in the morning. Jesus, the first time I saw you standing there in Parker and Garrett’s kitchen tapping your foot with an attitude, I forgot every single bad thing in my life. You gave me everything and I just didn’t want you to see that side of me. I didn’t want you to know that I was the type of man who could let down the two most important people in his life.”
“Stop it, right now,” she scolds, letting go of my hands and placing her palms on either side of my face. “You are the strongest, most honorable man I have ever met. You put your life on the line for people you don’t even know every time you go on a mission. These men, these best friends of yours, you don’t think they knew exactly what they signed up for when they became SEALs? You told me yourself that every time you go, you have to shut down and come to terms with the fact that you might not come home. They knew the chances they were taking. I don’t believe for one minute that these men would blame you for the things that happened on that mission. They were highly trained; the best of the best. What happened wasn’t your fault any more than it’s their fault you practically got your knee blown off.”
I close my eyes and let her words sink in. I’m not sure I believe them, but the conviction in her voice goes a long way towards helping me heal.
“I’m so sorry you lost them,” she says softly. “I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me about them before now. I wish I could have known them.”
I open my eyes and smile at her. “They would have loved you. Jared would have forced you to look at eight thousand wedding pictures and Chris would have told you you have a great ass.”
We both laugh and, for once, it feels nice to remember the good times with my friends instead of the horror of the day they were taken from me.
