Closer to the Edge
Page 35
“Baby, wake up!”
I feel hands on my face and my eyes fly open, the scream dying in my throat. Cole is leaning over me, a look of worry on his face as he moves my hair out of my eyes. My heart is beating erratically and my skin is sticky with sweat. I sit up quickly, trying to get my bearings, and the blanket that was draped over me drops to my lap. Looking down, I realize I’m still naked and yank the blanket back up to cover my breasts.
“Are you okay?” Cole whispers, shifting on the edge of the couch to give me more room.
Am I okay? Physically, I feel fine. My heart has stopped trying to burst out of my chest and I can finally breathe. My throat is scratchy and it hurts when I swallow, making me realize I was screaming out loud, not just in my dream, and my face heats in embarrassment. I haven’t had a dream like that in weeks, and I don’t think I’ve ever had one that was quite that real. I could taste the salt of the ocean water and I could smell the raw iron in the earthy scent of the blood.
So much blood.
I rub my hand over my face, trying to block out all of the images that won’t go away, but at the same time, trying hard to remember something about that dream that was important. It tickles the edge of my memory, but I can’t force myself to remember no matter how hard I try. The only thing I can focus on is Cole witnessing my nightmare, getting a front row seat to how messed up my head is.
His hands wrap around mine and he moves them away from my face, staring into my eyes. This is what I wanted, right? I wanted him to see everything. I wanted him to know what happened, even if it killed me to come right out and tell him. I thought that sleeping with him would make me forget, but all it did was bring everything right to the forefront of my mind.
“I’m sorry I didn’t leave when you fell asleep.”
I look over at the chair next to the couch, a blanket tossed haphazardly on the floor in front of it, where Cole must have been sleeping before I woke him up with my screams. Looking back up at him, I slide my hand along his arm and squeeze his bicep. He’s so solid and real… and he stayed. I can’t believe he stayed after the way I practically attacked him, telling him I just wanted to have sex with him to forget, not because I actually wanted him and needed him.
“I just… I couldn’t leave you. After you fell asleep and I covered you up, I grabbed my crutches and I was halfway to the door. I know you probably don’t want me here, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m not leaving, Olivia. I don’t care if you hate me, I don’t care if you scream and throw things at me, I’m not leaving . You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not because I can’t just NOT be with you. I can’t be in the same room with you and not want to touch you, I can’t look at you and not want to be inside you. I will make this right again because I love you. I love you, Olivia.”
I quickly move my hand up and press my fingers over his lips. The words are everything I longed to hear for a year, everything I thought I wanted, but I realize I don’t need them anymore. I just need Cole.
“Stop. You don’t have to make anything right again. It’s been right since the moment you came back to me,” I whisper.
I can’t fight this anymore; there’s no point. He brought the nightmares back with him, but none of that matters because he’s the only one who can take them away.
He sighs contentedly, kissing the tips of my fingers before moving my hand away.
“Smart woman. You must have realized that even with a bum knee I can still be a stubborn ass. Really, there’s no use arguing with me. I’ll always win,” he tells me with a smirk.
I shake my head and roll my eyes at him.
“Now that that’s settled, how about you tell me about that dream you were having. You scared the shit out of me.”
I think about the water, the blood and the child and a chill comes over me. Cole rubs his hands up and down my arms and it soothes me. I know he won’t let this go. I woke up screaming like I was dying and I can’t just shrug it off as no big deal.
“I know a thing or two about nightmares, Liv, believe me. Do you remember that night right before I left when you woke up and found me on the bathroom floor?”
I nodded. How could I forget? It was the third night in a row I’d woken up and he wasn’t next to me in bed. He’d been restless in his sleep for over a week, tossing and turning and mumbling names I’d never heard before. He would be covered in sweat, breathing heavily, and, even in sleep, his voice was filled with so much pain that it stole the breath from my lungs. The first night it happened, I wrapped my arms around him and spoke softly in his ear, telling him I loved him and that everything was okay. He’d never told me about the things he’d seen or done on missions and I let him keep it to himself. I couldn’t imagine how hard it was on him and I didn’t want to make it harder by questioning him, so I did what I could to soothe him without waking him up.
“I was dreaming about Dragon and King. I’d been doing fine since the day I met you. Not one bad dream, not one awful memory. I slept like a fucking baby every single night I was next to you until my commander called and told me they knew who was responsible for killing them. I didn’t want to burden you with my problems and I realize now how selfish that was of me.”
Tucking the blanket under my arms to hold it in place, I grab both of his hands and pull them into my lap, holding on tightly and remaining silent. He needs to get this out and I’m not about to stop him.
I feel hands on my face and my eyes fly open, the scream dying in my throat. Cole is leaning over me, a look of worry on his face as he moves my hair out of my eyes. My heart is beating erratically and my skin is sticky with sweat. I sit up quickly, trying to get my bearings, and the blanket that was draped over me drops to my lap. Looking down, I realize I’m still naked and yank the blanket back up to cover my breasts.
“Are you okay?” Cole whispers, shifting on the edge of the couch to give me more room.
Am I okay? Physically, I feel fine. My heart has stopped trying to burst out of my chest and I can finally breathe. My throat is scratchy and it hurts when I swallow, making me realize I was screaming out loud, not just in my dream, and my face heats in embarrassment. I haven’t had a dream like that in weeks, and I don’t think I’ve ever had one that was quite that real. I could taste the salt of the ocean water and I could smell the raw iron in the earthy scent of the blood.
So much blood.
I rub my hand over my face, trying to block out all of the images that won’t go away, but at the same time, trying hard to remember something about that dream that was important. It tickles the edge of my memory, but I can’t force myself to remember no matter how hard I try. The only thing I can focus on is Cole witnessing my nightmare, getting a front row seat to how messed up my head is.
His hands wrap around mine and he moves them away from my face, staring into my eyes. This is what I wanted, right? I wanted him to see everything. I wanted him to know what happened, even if it killed me to come right out and tell him. I thought that sleeping with him would make me forget, but all it did was bring everything right to the forefront of my mind.
“I’m sorry I didn’t leave when you fell asleep.”
I look over at the chair next to the couch, a blanket tossed haphazardly on the floor in front of it, where Cole must have been sleeping before I woke him up with my screams. Looking back up at him, I slide my hand along his arm and squeeze his bicep. He’s so solid and real… and he stayed. I can’t believe he stayed after the way I practically attacked him, telling him I just wanted to have sex with him to forget, not because I actually wanted him and needed him.
“I just… I couldn’t leave you. After you fell asleep and I covered you up, I grabbed my crutches and I was halfway to the door. I know you probably don’t want me here, but I don’t give a fuck. I’m not leaving, Olivia. I don’t care if you hate me, I don’t care if you scream and throw things at me, I’m not leaving . You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not because I can’t just NOT be with you. I can’t be in the same room with you and not want to touch you, I can’t look at you and not want to be inside you. I will make this right again because I love you. I love you, Olivia.”
I quickly move my hand up and press my fingers over his lips. The words are everything I longed to hear for a year, everything I thought I wanted, but I realize I don’t need them anymore. I just need Cole.
“Stop. You don’t have to make anything right again. It’s been right since the moment you came back to me,” I whisper.
I can’t fight this anymore; there’s no point. He brought the nightmares back with him, but none of that matters because he’s the only one who can take them away.
He sighs contentedly, kissing the tips of my fingers before moving my hand away.
“Smart woman. You must have realized that even with a bum knee I can still be a stubborn ass. Really, there’s no use arguing with me. I’ll always win,” he tells me with a smirk.
I shake my head and roll my eyes at him.
“Now that that’s settled, how about you tell me about that dream you were having. You scared the shit out of me.”
I think about the water, the blood and the child and a chill comes over me. Cole rubs his hands up and down my arms and it soothes me. I know he won’t let this go. I woke up screaming like I was dying and I can’t just shrug it off as no big deal.
“I know a thing or two about nightmares, Liv, believe me. Do you remember that night right before I left when you woke up and found me on the bathroom floor?”
I nodded. How could I forget? It was the third night in a row I’d woken up and he wasn’t next to me in bed. He’d been restless in his sleep for over a week, tossing and turning and mumbling names I’d never heard before. He would be covered in sweat, breathing heavily, and, even in sleep, his voice was filled with so much pain that it stole the breath from my lungs. The first night it happened, I wrapped my arms around him and spoke softly in his ear, telling him I loved him and that everything was okay. He’d never told me about the things he’d seen or done on missions and I let him keep it to himself. I couldn’t imagine how hard it was on him and I didn’t want to make it harder by questioning him, so I did what I could to soothe him without waking him up.
“I was dreaming about Dragon and King. I’d been doing fine since the day I met you. Not one bad dream, not one awful memory. I slept like a fucking baby every single night I was next to you until my commander called and told me they knew who was responsible for killing them. I didn’t want to burden you with my problems and I realize now how selfish that was of me.”
Tucking the blanket under my arms to hold it in place, I grab both of his hands and pull them into my lap, holding on tightly and remaining silent. He needs to get this out and I’m not about to stop him.
