Closer to the Edge
Page 36
“It was always the same dream. They’re both standing in front of me one minute, laughing and joking about some stupid shit and then suddenly they’re both on the ground at my feet with matching bullet wounds between the eyes. In my dream, I get down on my knees between them and Dragon opens his eyes and tells me it’s all my fault.”
“Oh, Cole,” I speak softly.
He shakes his head roughly like he’s trying to clear the vision from his mind.
“I know it was just a dream. I know it wasn’t really my fault, I get that now. But Jesus Christ, that fucking dream haunted me every night until I thought I would lose my mind. I knew I was keeping you awake with my tossing and turning so it was just easier to get out of bed instead of trying to explain everything. That damn dream fucked me up, Liv. I thought it would go away once I took care of the man responsible for killing them. I pushed everything we had aside because I thought it was the only way to make the nightmares stop.”
He looks up at me, reaching out and swiping a tear that I didn’t even realize had fallen off of my cheek.
“I’m not telling you this so you’ll feel bad about what happened or feel sorry for me. I just need you to know that you’re not alone. Never again, Liv. Whatever nightmares you’re having, you share those fuckers, do you hear me? I will take them from you and I will kick their sorry asses.”
I can’t help but laugh and a smile lights up his face. He moves his body behind mine on the couch, wrapping his arms around me and pulling my back against his chest. I pull one of his hands away from my waist and slide my fingers through his, staring at our joined hands.
“I was really scared the day I found out I was pregnant,” I start softly.
Cole kisses the top of my head and I continue.
“I tried to find out where you were. I was pissed and upset that you left, but I wanted you to know. Garrett did everything he could to get the information from your commander, but the guy wouldn’t budge. After a few weeks, I finally told Garrett to stop trying. You left for a reason and, if you found out I was pregnant, I was afraid you might come home for the wrong ones. God, I was so sick. I didn’t have morning sickness, I had 24-7 sickness. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and I just missed you so much. I threw myself into my work. I took on extra shifts, worked overtime. I did too much. The doctor told me to slow down, but I didn’t listen. I tried to pretend like it wasn’t real, that I wasn’t really pregnant and alone.”
Cole’s arms squeeze me tight and I let my head fall back against his chest.
“I’m going to keep saying this over and over until you finally believe it. It wasn’t your fault.”
I close my eyes and let the warmth of his body soothe me.
“By the time I realized just how wonderful and amazing the blessing that I’d been given was, it was too late. The baby was gone before I ever got a chance to tell him how much I wanted him, how much I loved him.”
Cole runs his hand down the top of my head before resting it on my shoulder, gently kneading the muscles.
“The dream is always the same. He’s right there, just beyond my reach and I can’t get to him. I can’t save him,” I mutter with a hitch in my voice.
“That baby was saved the moment it was conceived because of YOU. Just because he’s not here anymore doesn’t mean he wasn’t the luckiest kid in the world because he had you for a mother, even for a just a little while.”
He kisses the top of my head again and I wish I didn’t have to say anymore, but I do. There’s one last piece to my nightmare that no one will ever be able to heal, not even Cole, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
“I can’t have any more children, Cole. That was my one shot and it’s gone. You deserve to be a father. You need to be with someone who can give that to you, and it’s not me.”
Cole moves his hand to my face and turns it so he can look at me. “Do you think any of that matters to me if you’re not there? Do you actually think I could find someone else and love her as much as I love you just because she could give me a child? Don’t you get it yet, Liv? YOU are all I need. We can adopt if that’s what you want. Shit, we can adopt fifty kids if it makes you happy.”
I smile up at him. “Fifty?”
“Okay, maybe not fifty. How about eleven? Then we’ll have our own football team,” he says with a laugh.
“You’re insane,” I tell him with a shake of my head.
“No, YOU’RE insane for thinking something like this would push me away. I already told you, you can’t get rid of me that easily,” Cole reassures me.
I turn my body to the side and rest my cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat thump against my ear. Cole scoots both of us down on the couch and rests his head against the armrest and I snuggle into him and close my eyes, feeling lighter and happier than I have in a long time.
I was so afraid of telling him the truth, but I should have known better. We still have things to work out, but I don’t fear them as much as I did. I’m still afraid of how Cole’s going to react once he learns of his family’s role in our loss, and I wish I could convince him to let it go, but I know he won’t stop until he finds out the truth. For right now, I’m going to spend every moment we have together showing him exactly how much he means to me. When the time comes and he finds out just how badly his family betrayed him, hopefully my love will be enough.
“Oh, Cole,” I speak softly.
He shakes his head roughly like he’s trying to clear the vision from his mind.
“I know it was just a dream. I know it wasn’t really my fault, I get that now. But Jesus Christ, that fucking dream haunted me every night until I thought I would lose my mind. I knew I was keeping you awake with my tossing and turning so it was just easier to get out of bed instead of trying to explain everything. That damn dream fucked me up, Liv. I thought it would go away once I took care of the man responsible for killing them. I pushed everything we had aside because I thought it was the only way to make the nightmares stop.”
He looks up at me, reaching out and swiping a tear that I didn’t even realize had fallen off of my cheek.
“I’m not telling you this so you’ll feel bad about what happened or feel sorry for me. I just need you to know that you’re not alone. Never again, Liv. Whatever nightmares you’re having, you share those fuckers, do you hear me? I will take them from you and I will kick their sorry asses.”
I can’t help but laugh and a smile lights up his face. He moves his body behind mine on the couch, wrapping his arms around me and pulling my back against his chest. I pull one of his hands away from my waist and slide my fingers through his, staring at our joined hands.
“I was really scared the day I found out I was pregnant,” I start softly.
Cole kisses the top of my head and I continue.
“I tried to find out where you were. I was pissed and upset that you left, but I wanted you to know. Garrett did everything he could to get the information from your commander, but the guy wouldn’t budge. After a few weeks, I finally told Garrett to stop trying. You left for a reason and, if you found out I was pregnant, I was afraid you might come home for the wrong ones. God, I was so sick. I didn’t have morning sickness, I had 24-7 sickness. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and I just missed you so much. I threw myself into my work. I took on extra shifts, worked overtime. I did too much. The doctor told me to slow down, but I didn’t listen. I tried to pretend like it wasn’t real, that I wasn’t really pregnant and alone.”
Cole’s arms squeeze me tight and I let my head fall back against his chest.
“I’m going to keep saying this over and over until you finally believe it. It wasn’t your fault.”
I close my eyes and let the warmth of his body soothe me.
“By the time I realized just how wonderful and amazing the blessing that I’d been given was, it was too late. The baby was gone before I ever got a chance to tell him how much I wanted him, how much I loved him.”
Cole runs his hand down the top of my head before resting it on my shoulder, gently kneading the muscles.
“The dream is always the same. He’s right there, just beyond my reach and I can’t get to him. I can’t save him,” I mutter with a hitch in my voice.
“That baby was saved the moment it was conceived because of YOU. Just because he’s not here anymore doesn’t mean he wasn’t the luckiest kid in the world because he had you for a mother, even for a just a little while.”
He kisses the top of my head again and I wish I didn’t have to say anymore, but I do. There’s one last piece to my nightmare that no one will ever be able to heal, not even Cole, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
“I can’t have any more children, Cole. That was my one shot and it’s gone. You deserve to be a father. You need to be with someone who can give that to you, and it’s not me.”
Cole moves his hand to my face and turns it so he can look at me. “Do you think any of that matters to me if you’re not there? Do you actually think I could find someone else and love her as much as I love you just because she could give me a child? Don’t you get it yet, Liv? YOU are all I need. We can adopt if that’s what you want. Shit, we can adopt fifty kids if it makes you happy.”
I smile up at him. “Fifty?”
“Okay, maybe not fifty. How about eleven? Then we’ll have our own football team,” he says with a laugh.
“You’re insane,” I tell him with a shake of my head.
“No, YOU’RE insane for thinking something like this would push me away. I already told you, you can’t get rid of me that easily,” Cole reassures me.
I turn my body to the side and rest my cheek against his chest, listening to his heartbeat thump against my ear. Cole scoots both of us down on the couch and rests his head against the armrest and I snuggle into him and close my eyes, feeling lighter and happier than I have in a long time.
I was so afraid of telling him the truth, but I should have known better. We still have things to work out, but I don’t fear them as much as I did. I’m still afraid of how Cole’s going to react once he learns of his family’s role in our loss, and I wish I could convince him to let it go, but I know he won’t stop until he finds out the truth. For right now, I’m going to spend every moment we have together showing him exactly how much he means to me. When the time comes and he finds out just how badly his family betrayed him, hopefully my love will be enough.
